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Original poster

Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

447 replies

petalpotter · 15/12/2015 19:50

Just after some advice really, will try and keep it simple.

Been with DP for 6 yrs, both mid 30's.

He has a close female colleague. They are not in the same team, but I am assuming they were/are stakeholders. He has never seen her outside of work, it's purely a working hours relationship. They often go for coffee while in the office, maybe once a fortnight.

DP is leaving his workplace and he invited this colleague to his goodbye do. I work in the same area and by chance ended up going to the same pub they were at.

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was.

I left 5mins after seeing this. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted getting very touchy feely with her, but has sworn nothing has happened pre this date.

I believe him, but wow, this hurts. We are planning children/marriage soon (though not engaged), but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him and whether he is still on the lookout for something better.

Would I be unreasonable to leave him because of what he has done?

OP posts:
TooSassy · 17/12/2015 21:53

OP.

One question. You said if he was looking for sex as opposed to a gF you'd be ok with that.

Ok. When you're his wife and have children with him. Will that view remain the same? He's ok to have sex but not a new wife?

I do get why you're giving him another chance. But given half the chance, you know he would have slept with her in a heartbeat?

MoMoTy · 17/12/2015 21:54

Op why are you ok with forgiving him having sex with her? Why do you think of yourself as so low that you are willing to accept this?

roundaboutthetown · 17/12/2015 22:02

I've seen it lots of times before - the older woman makes lots of preparations for a life of commitment and getting herself into a position where she feels ready to have a baby with her partner. Partner finds everything getting a bit dull and domesticated and an exciting, feisty younger work colleague comes along who seems to have more drive and ambition and generally be more exciting than the now unexciting, comfortable partner. So, he embarks on an affair, younger woman "accidentally" gets pregnant and he does the "right thing" by marrying her instead of the more boring older one. Doesn't really matter, then, whether it was "only sex" or not.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 17/12/2015 22:21

He may have been drunk when he touched her, but he wasn't drunk when he sent emails trying to persuade her into a relationhsip, was he?

And FWIW i think the only reason he came home alone that night and nothing happened is because she wasn't up for it. She was happy flirting but never intended to take it further. You know this because when he was coming onto her on the emails it was her doing the teasing resisting 'you wouldnt want me, I'm a drama queen'. It was all her teasing him, and him pushing it back. No alcohol involved, no momentary lapes of judgement in the heat of the moment. This has been building up (in his mind) for some time and he has been sat there at work, sober, wondering what it would be like to shag her, and deciding to go for it.

Next time it happens, either with her or someone else, it will go further. And you will start dealing with yourself on how much you are willing to put up with. Until you turn round one day and realise you are the pitiful one that all his colleagues feel sorry for.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/12/2015 22:30

I was with a guy once who did something completely unacceptable but he managed to convince me that he deserved another chance and he also, purposefully made me feel like I was overreacting. This kind of control a man can have over a needy/weak woman (which I was) is a very manipulative game.

For the next two years I stayed with him and things just got worse and worse and worse. Somehow it became ok that he was having nights out with other girls, it became ok that he was flirting with his exes, it became ok that he was swapping porno photos (via text message) with another girl - he found a way to wind be down to the point that all these things didn't matter because it was "me he loved". When men behave like this, when they know they can get away with it, they push the boundaries again and again again until the woman no longer feels she deserves any better. He genuinely wore me down to the point where I turned a blind eye because "we loved each other". I was absolutely pathetic.

I did eventually end things with him but I wasted three years of my life with someone who had told me over and over again that he would change, but he didn't. Men like him, men like your DH do not change.

Please, please, run!!

I don't know why you're so concerned about your 6 year history because he clearly doesn't give a damn about it.

You deserve so, so much better Flowers

DraenorQueen · 17/12/2015 22:33

God it's excruciating seeing someone value themselves so little. You can forgive sex?! Really? I HATE it when women say they can "forgive sex" but "couldn't accept feelings." What crap. Don't imagine sex just involves an eyes-shut poke in the dark. Even a one-off unexpected shag can be incredibly intimate and create long lasting bonds.
He's treating you like a twat. I just hope you're not clinging on for the sake of a nice comfy lifestyle.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 17/12/2015 22:43

I know I shouldn't get so invested in a stranger's life, but man, this makes me angry on behalf of all women.

Secondtimeround75 · 17/12/2015 22:49

Take things very slow op
No wedding or babies for a long time please.

Cleotaurus17 · 17/12/2015 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KiwiJude · 17/12/2015 23:03

Protect your fertility - get tested for STIs and insist on condoms.

You can do so much better than this guy; whatever you decide to do now will impact on your future relationships, as well as those of any children you have.

ColdTeaAgain · 17/12/2015 23:32

Oh OP, ditch the letchy twat.

If he hadn't been caught he'd be continuing to test the waters with her until he finally got his prize. If not her then the next one who comes along.

Do you really think you could ever trust him now? That look? Get rid now before it has become even more complicated.

TeaFathers · 18/12/2015 00:37

i knew she'd stay with him. they always do.
they can't bear to lose their luxuries. tragic.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 18/12/2015 07:00

they can't bear to lose their luxuries

How incredibly offensive Teafathers, unless by "luxuries" you mean stability, love, companionship, the potential to have a child, the right to live in the house that she has been paying into, not to mention the effort she's obviously put into this relationship over the years.

What's "tragic" is that she could lose all that because her DH couldn't keep his hands to himself.

And who the fuck is "they"? Ah yes, those gold digging women....

FFS I may not agree sigh OP''s decision but it's bloody obvious she's not in it for the money.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/12/2015 07:51

petal,

re your comment:-
"The above does not bode well, but behind this is 6 years of history. I will give him one more chance"

Its a decision you may well live to regret. How many chances have you already given him before now?. I also think that after six years together this has really run its course now.

Do you trust him?.

The "sunken costs fallacy" yet again rears its ugly head; your above thinking is a classic example. Its basically now causing you to make poor relationship decisions. Read up on this and think again. You're also forgetting here that the damage has already been done.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/12/2015 07:53

It’s a mistake to think that the amount of investment in a relationship automatically adds value to that relationship. It doesn’t. The value of the relationship consists of what is happening in the present and in the future. The past is done. The past is useful in predicting the future, but the past by itself doesn’t actually add any value. The length of a relationship or the amount of effort put into a relationship doesn’t actually add value. If it’s clear that a relationship won’t serve you in the future, your previous investment in the relationship won’t change that.

littlefrenchonion · 18/12/2015 08:34

Almost this exact thing happened to a friend of mine. She forgave him, he seemed genuinely sorry. Within 3 months he was shagging another girl, she found out by walking in on them at a party.

It broke her heart. A year on and she got rid, has found someone new who is respectful and kind and she is SO happy - she says in hindsight she realises she was never as happy with her ex after the first incident (no actual cheating, but some touchy-feely stuff and heavy flirting, admission that he fancied her) made itself known - she never trusted him and it festered like a fungus.

Please don't make the same mistake! Flowers

SlaggyIsland · 18/12/2015 08:48

You only get one life. Please use it more wisely than staying in a tainted relationship with a cheat.

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 18/12/2015 09:07

Some brilliant advice on here.

But....the Op ain't listening.

She saw what she saw with her own eyes, but won't act on it. So, the guy knows he can act like this again. The Op's line hasn't been crossed. That's like a free pass to do the same again?!

Am I the only person, that thinks that at mid 30's, after six years together, that if he was really invested, he would have done a Beyonce and Put a Ring on it? Feck!

Twinklestein · 18/12/2015 09:24

No, you're not the only person WhiteWine

roundaboutthetown · 18/12/2015 09:30

Not even engaged, yet! Yes, I agree with you, WhiteWine. I think there's only one person in that relationship who was ever seriously considering marriage.

NA200712 · 18/12/2015 09:59

What an absolute pig! I bet you are feeling absolutely gutted, I know I would be. I think if this was me in your shoes I couldn't go on with my marriage. I know you may have a lot of commitments together but when your in love you don't have eyes for anyone else! That's the way I see it anyway. He may not have cheated but this could be the beginning and you may end up hurt down the line.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 18/12/2015 10:14

Whitewine you put it so sensitively to the OP

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 18/12/2015 10:51

I didn't mean to be insensitive. But she really does need a shake. She wants marriage and children. He's not proposed, even after six long years. He's chasing after other women. She's mid thirties already. Times a wasting.

If she's not careful, she's still going to be with this Tool when she's 40. Still no ring, still no kids and probably wondering why he got in at 4am smelling of perfume

I have been married to a guy just like this. It's a total waste of everybody's time. It's soul destroying. And they NEVER change.

Offred · 18/12/2015 11:42

The commitments are all rather one sided though from what's been said anyway. I'm not sure this situation could be accurately described as commitments together so much as one person acting to their disadvantage in committing to something the other is not behaving as though they are committed to.

AyeAmarok · 18/12/2015 12:30

Agree with your most recent post Cold.

It is just a big waste of your time OP. You don't want to be in this position again a few years down the line, still wondering what he's up to.

If you really, really do want to stay together then I think you need to give him a big shock to jolt him into realisation that what he's done is completely unacceptable, and you will not stand for it. Make him move out for a few days to give you time to think and make him realise it's serious.

Forgiving someone hours later in an attempt to cling on to a relationship that doesn't sound very positive will not do anything but confirm your status as a door mat. And he'll walk all over you.

Please think this through OP.