Unresolvable fall out with friend, but don't completely understand why.

[SpoonSpoonSpoon]

Would appreciate some views on this.

Have been friends with this person since I was ten. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, and godmother to my DC. Her dad offered to film my wedding this summer as a wedding present, we gratefully accepted, thanked him publicly at the wedding and privately. We didn't hear anything about the video for a while, which was not an issue, but relevant.

I miscarried a very much wanted baby two weeks after the wedding. We didn't know I was pregnant at the wedding, but this put a bitter edge to everything related to it. Friend knew this.

Then early November I miscarried again. It broke me. And physically had complications second time around.

Friend's dad messaged me whilst I was miscarrying with a link to YouTube with our wedding video. I wasn't in a place to view it, neither was DH, so I left it. A few hours after he sent the message, friend messages me asking why we hadn't looked at it yet. I explained what was going on, and said I hoped to look at it soon. She sent back what seemed to be an understanding text. At this point I say with high insight that I know I should have contacted him myself, but was in no place to speak to anyone really.

Two days later she uploaded it to Facebook, knowing we hadn't watched it, knowing why. I was getting messages from people about the video. DH and I were both upset, and I asked her to take it down, again explaining why. In response I got a nasty message saying I was being unappreciative and immature, that he hard worked really hard on it, and she was extremely disappointed in me. I didn't respond as was trying to look beyond one falling out, as well as still feeling like absolute crap.

A few days later she messaged pretty normally asking for ideas for DC Christmas. I was pretty much ignoring my phone at this point, so genuinely didn't see the message. So the next day I got a more impatient message. This time I did see it, and replied asking her to please leave me alone for now. To this she sent back a message about throwing away a friendship because I didn't know when to say thank you, and not to contact her again unless it was an apology.

The next day one of my other bridesmaids called me. Friend had contacted her saying she wanted ideas gir DC, but really it was just to bitch. She went as far as to ask whether she should set up a savings account for DC, as she thought I was being petty enough to throw away any gift she sent, and didn't know when she'd next be allowed to see DC. All of which seemed incredibly over the top.

Next morning I received a final message, which was so cruel and cutting I can't stand to look at it again to quote, then she deleted me, having made it very clear I wouldn't be hearing from her again.

I acknowledge - personally, to her, ands to her dad as well, in a message I sent him - that I should have told him personally I would view it when I could, but honestly I was a complete mess. I could just about pretend to function for DC, but the trauma on top of physical side of things... I wasn't thinking straight.

I'm very hurt by the way she has reacted, and it seems very over the top a reaction for me - when boiled down to it - not watching a video immediately.

Just wanted some opinions on things.

Thank you.

Posting the video publically wasn't a misunderstanding - it was pure spite. Anyone with a shred of brain would appreciate the B&G would want to view their wedding video first and if they had good reason for delaying that then so be it. This smacks of 'I'll show them' when she clearly thought you had been 'ungrateful' towards her dad.

I can promise you that I would not be that precious about a video. Really and truly I wouldn't.

I kind of assume nobody would be, really. It's just a video.

I had hoped upon receiving an email from MNHQ and them posting on this thread people would THINK and try and at least fake empathy and compassion in responding apparently not.

Onlys posts are spot on!

“The OP is not at all unreasonable up to the point where she connects the wedding video/wedding with the mc. They are two entirely separate things. So taking offence at the wedding video being a reminder of sorts, is being unreasonable and slightly irrational.

How dare you? How DARE you? What the actual fuck makes you so confident as to pronounce what's separate and what isn't in the OP's emotional life? Or that she's being 'irrational' – as though grief is usually totally rational?

I really hope no one ever asks you for support, Ugandan, if that's genuinely how you think.

And piss off about the bloody video.”

This!!!!

I don't know ANYONE that doesn't make connections like this when bereaved. Who are these robots that don't? Even with a ‘normal bereavement we make associations with places/music/events that's NORMAL

“Only I'm on the OP's side here.” bullshit!!

“- if somebody very close to me died, it would be awful.” Does that mean you've never experienced this? In which case you need to consider whether you should have had the nerve to post in the first place!

“Even IF the 'friend' thought the video would be 'a happy, joyous thing' for her (and frankly, I think a person would have to be pretty thick/lacking in imagination not to have the alternatives occur to them), the OP made it clear she was not in a space to think about it or view it.”

And this!

“Posting the video publically wasn't a misunderstanding - it was pure spite.” Agreed

“Her reaction though isn't how most people would carry on in a similar situation” unfortunately I think a few pps here would have! Doesn't make it OK though far from it!

Very well said catsmother.

Take care of yourself OP

Thank you for all the comments, even for the somewhat insensitive ones. They've given me a lot to think about, made me reassess the situation, the history of the friendship and my feelings around everything.

To clarify - the reason I said I couldn't write anything from the last message is I've quoted other parts of the conversation, which were via text. The facebook message I haven't been able to look at again, because reading it twice was enough. This doesn't make me difficult to deal with, just maybe very sensitive currently.

Thank you to those of you who have shared your personal experiences. I really hope you all have some level of peace with them.

What is confusing is just how extreme it seems to have been, so quickly. Like I said, I saw her days before my second miscarriage, which was actually for my DC's birthday party, and we were laughing and chatting like normal. A month later and she's out of my life.

The more I think about it, regardless of where the responsibility lies, partially or fully, there have been things she has done that I really can't forgive. I'm sure she may well feel the same way about me. And now I will need to look at changing my feelings surrounding that. I certainly don't have any intention of contacting her, not right now.

OP I just want to say I'm very sorry that you have had to suffer two losses. I can't imagine what you are going through.

I do know that some people don't know how to deal with grief and act like idiots and other people who you don't expect to be there for you turn into rocks who offer you more understanding that you ever could have expected.

I wouldn't have thought that the wedding video would have been hard for you to view either, but you made it clear that you were not in the frame of mind to look at the video. Now, I understand her being a little disappointed as she was probably excited for you to see her dad's work, but to call you ungrateful and immature is not on and she should have backed right off. Whether or not she understands your feelings, the least she should do is respect them.

I doubt your friendship will recover. She made things worse for you when you needed her understanding the most. That resentment won't go I imagine.

I am sorry you had to lose a friendship as well, I am also sorry you had to read some shit that was spouted here. Take care of yourself ok?

OP, your friend is horribly insensitive, and sounds like she wants to make things all about her.

I see what people are saying about "if you were able to tell her to take on down from FB, you'd have been able to text a thank you".

However, I more agree with you, if you say people you know where watching it online before you'd seen it, and then they were all contacting you say things like "say the video, love it, what a lovely day, you must be so pleased" etc etc, then you were being put in a position where you had to ignore them too, which would also make you feel worse, so no wonder you asked her to take it down. Just to buy yourself some time to get to a point where you could put on a normal act and reply to people, so they didn't think you were rude too.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.