Unresolvable fall out with friend, but don't completely understand why.

[SpoonSpoonSpoon]

Would appreciate some views on this.

Have been friends with this person since I was ten. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, and godmother to my DC. Her dad offered to film my wedding this summer as a wedding present, we gratefully accepted, thanked him publicly at the wedding and privately. We didn't hear anything about the video for a while, which was not an issue, but relevant.

I miscarried a very much wanted baby two weeks after the wedding. We didn't know I was pregnant at the wedding, but this put a bitter edge to everything related to it. Friend knew this.

Then early November I miscarried again. It broke me. And physically had complications second time around.

Friend's dad messaged me whilst I was miscarrying with a link to YouTube with our wedding video. I wasn't in a place to view it, neither was DH, so I left it. A few hours after he sent the message, friend messages me asking why we hadn't looked at it yet. I explained what was going on, and said I hoped to look at it soon. She sent back what seemed to be an understanding text. At this point I say with high insight that I know I should have contacted him myself, but was in no place to speak to anyone really.

Two days later she uploaded it to Facebook, knowing we hadn't watched it, knowing why. I was getting messages from people about the video. DH and I were both upset, and I asked her to take it down, again explaining why. In response I got a nasty message saying I was being unappreciative and immature, that he hard worked really hard on it, and she was extremely disappointed in me. I didn't respond as was trying to look beyond one falling out, as well as still feeling like absolute crap.

A few days later she messaged pretty normally asking for ideas for DC Christmas. I was pretty much ignoring my phone at this point, so genuinely didn't see the message. So the next day I got a more impatient message. This time I did see it, and replied asking her to please leave me alone for now. To this she sent back a message about throwing away a friendship because I didn't know when to say thank you, and not to contact her again unless it was an apology.

The next day one of my other bridesmaids called me. Friend had contacted her saying she wanted ideas gir DC, but really it was just to bitch. She went as far as to ask whether she should set up a savings account for DC, as she thought I was being petty enough to throw away any gift she sent, and didn't know when she'd next be allowed to see DC. All of which seemed incredibly over the top.

Next morning I received a final message, which was so cruel and cutting I can't stand to look at it again to quote, then she deleted me, having made it very clear I wouldn't be hearing from her again.

I acknowledge - personally, to her, ands to her dad as well, in a message I sent him - that I should have told him personally I would view it when I could, but honestly I was a complete mess. I could just about pretend to function for DC, but the trauma on top of physical side of things... I wasn't thinking straight.

I'm very hurt by the way she has reacted, and it seems very over the top a reaction for me - when boiled down to it - not watching a video immediately.

Just wanted some opinions on things.

Thank you.

So sorry :( She sounds like she is someone who struggles to empathise and be sensitive in general, also she sounds like she doesnt have enough respect for you. I think this situation shows her at her worst and is all about her issues really. I think even if I had a shaky friendship with someone, if they were going through what you are I would have parked any issues I had and just tried to be sensitive. I had a miscarriage last year and it made some relationships stronger and others much weaker - one of those situations where you find out who is there for you, maybe this is common with miscarriages and other awful experiences. Perhaps this is a chance to have better friends around you in future, you really didn't need this on top of everything else :(. After my miscarriage I would have felt like you about the wedding video, i even moved house partly to get away from bad memories.

Spoon - just read this thread through and am appalled with some of the insensitive and cruel comments here. Totally agree with Olivia Mumsnet that MN is here to make lives easier.

Having had 2 miscarriages and a still birth within 18 Months many years ago, I totally agree with other posters who said that close friends you naturally think will try to understand and support you, are not necessarily the ones who do sadly.

Many people on these boards are keen to say LTB, but i just say LTF - she just is NOT worth it.

And as an aside, anyone who put my wedding video on the internet without my express permission, I would personally never speak to them again or forgive/forget. But maybe that's just me...

Anyway, you have to take care of yourself and your family, that is the only priority here I feel for what it's worth.

I think it is often useful in these Facebook-related issues to consider what part Facebook itself has played in it - e.g. would some aspects of the problem have occurred without the means and encouragement to share information publicly?

But it may well be that your friend's MH issues leave her very lacking in empathy - I have found the same with one of my close relatives who has had on-going MH issues.

The OP is not at all unreasonable up to the point where she connects the wedding video/wedding with the mc. They are two entirely separate things. So taking offence at the wedding video being a reminder of sorts, is being unreasonable and slightly irrational. The rest, the OP is NBU.

Also I don't know if anyone here has ever made a wedding video? I have, and when you're doing it for free it's an arduous, long drawn out editing process, trying to get hours and hours of footage of someone's big day into a watchable package. IF someone is doing it for free, that is a gift worth £1000. To then be considered insensitive for reminding OP of the wedding by trying to get her to watch the bloody video, must be rathet confusing!

The OP is not at all unreasonable up to the point where she connects the wedding video/wedding with the mc. They are two entirely separate things. So taking offence at the wedding video being a reminder of sorts, is being unreasonable and slightly irrational.

How dare you? How DARE you? What the actual fuck makes you so confident as to pronounce what's separate and what isn't in the OP's emotional life? Or that she's being 'irrational' – as though grief is usually totally rational?

I really hope no one ever asks you for support, Ugandan, if that's genuinely how you think.

And piss off about the bloody video.

Agree with OnlyLovers. Just because you can't see the connection it absolutely does not make OP irrational. I understand the connection perfectly. So it's not that hard, especially if the person in question is a good friend.

Some utterly unfeeling content I'm reading on this thread.

Totally agree Onlylovers, well said!!

Only I'm on the OP's side here. She said she'd appreciate some views and I am giving mine.

I 95% agree with the OP. It's the 5% bit about how the wedding video was so upsetting that I do not understand.

Take this example - if somebody very close to me died, it would be awful. But I couldn't go around getting upset with people for bringing up things which triggered a memory, especially if those things were happy memories. I'm sure the OP's friend thought that the wedding video would be a happy, joyous thing for her to watch and the last thing she expected was that it would be a reminder of something terrible. That offence, combined with the effort/time/whatever put into the video might have come as a surprise.

That's the only bit I am telling the OP she could perhaps look at again. The rest I believe, the OP is not in the wrong.

OP you did nothing wrong. Your friend showed herself to be an utter cunt. She's not worth bothering about.

I'm so sorry for your losses xx

Uganda, the video and its part in this scenario is not 5% of what's going on. It's what triggered the whole scenario.

Even IF the 'friend' thought the video would be 'a happy, joyous thing' for her (and frankly, I think a person would have to be pretty thick/lacking in imagination not to have the alternatives occur to them), the OP made it clear she was not in a space to think about it or view it.

I cannot believe some of the down right cruelty towards the op on this thread (which is why i have not read it all) I know aibu can be harsh at times but fucking hell!

Op you are not being U atall. Having one mc is heartbreaking enough :( And i cant believe any real friend could justify behaving in such a way as this. I think its time to cut this person out of your life. You will never be able to look at her the same way again after this.

But to put the wedding video on the internet without her permission?! on fb!! i would go raving mad i am afraid.

Ugandandiscussions Let's remember that he OFFERED to do the video, free of charge, as a gift.

OP didn't ask for it to be free.

Against the grain, I feel like the issue here is either one of communication over the impact of your mc and how you would appreciate your friend supporting you, or the friendship was already over/waning and this disagreement has given a blunt ending to something that may well have been fizzling out.

I am sorry you have been through such sad and testing events.

If you want to rekindle the friendship, it sounds like a frank face to face conversation and a willingness to understand each others actions, forgiveness and good will would go a long way to not only recovering the friendship. You could possibly even improve it if you then understand each other better, and know what to expect from each other.

Ugandan you may have missed it but this isn't AIBU, it's Relationships, which calls for a bit of sensitivity....

Agree Slaggy, especially considering the subject matter.

YANBU

I completely empathise with you OP and so sorry for your loss.

I think your friend was being nasty and is not a true friend. You have been through an incredibly tough time and it's understandable that you feel this way. Even if there is a very tiny factor somewhere in there which suggests that you could have perhaps done things differently (bearing in mind you have been through a traumatic time and it's hard to think straight and function), her treatment of you has still been frankly horrible and completely over the top.

Did she sympathize with you at all about your situation? Doesn't sound like it from your post. That's not a friend.

Just forget about her, I agree you will not be able to trust her after this.

I'm kind of in 2 minds about this.

It should have been enough when you told her you were broken following MC at the time the video was emailed to you. She should have only offered you support or left you to grieve in peace. She should have told her father and they both should have left the video on hold. She didn't, all her fault and this far, yanbu.

However, you've put this on MN for opinions but say in one of the later paragraphs that she sent you such a cutting email that you can't bear to look at it to quote from it. To me (and I am sorry to say this because I know you have suffered terribly), that makes you seem a bit difficult to deal with and hints that you might expect mind reading from friends/people. It makes me wonder if you communicated well enough (ie made your feelings clear) to your friend.

But my final opinion is that this friendship has been irreparably damaged and you shouldn't contact her again, consider the friendship gone. She did not support you or protect you when you needed it most and she has followed it up with bitching and nastiness. I couldn't get past that.

I find horrible emails and texts very hard to deal with and read. I am far, far from difficult to deal with and the OP comes across strongly as if neither is she.
What it comes down to for me, if someone is going through a bereavement or medical crisis (poor OP was having both), it takes a pretty poor friend to badger you relentlessly and then take the hump. It's devoid of empathy, it's breathtakingly self-centered and just altogether nasty.
And that's the gist of what happened here. I'm completely amazed that anyone would fault the OP based on that.

Against the grain like Decaff again

OP your friend has upset you deeply. But I think part of the problem is that misunderstandings can easily arise when communicating by text and email rather than face to face. People read things wrongly or get confused I suspect your friend just doesn't get how much she has upset you, for whatever reason. She has worked herself into a state thinking that you are being unreasonable too hence the nasty email she sent.

Therefore I think the only chance of fixing the friendship is a face to face conversation-and it may take more than one. If she was a great friend up until now, personally I'd give it a shot with a face-to-face before giving up. If she was a monster would you have been friends for so long?

Spoon ... am so sorry about your lost babies. I've had 4 miscarriages, 2 very close together and yes, they knocked me for six. You (or anyone else) shouldn't have to justify how you feel about, or deal with, your loss as we are all different and the only 'right' way to do it is to do what feels right for you regardless of other people's experiences. There's no magic period of grieving beyond which any one individual will feel 'better' so please don't feel bad because other people are unjustifiably offended by your inability to 'get over it' (or whatever) .... and the last thing you need at a time like this is a dose of 'guilt' to add to all the other stressful and upsetting emotions you're experiencing.

I get that women who've either been fortunate enough never to have miscarried - or who possess an inner strength which enabled them to deal with any miscarriages they did have without too much trauma - may find it hard to properly empathise with those who have had a very rough time of it. Not everyone finds it easy to put themselves in someone else's shoes ..... however, when you have no personal experience of something, surely if you have a supposedly trusted friend you've supposedly been close to for a very long then you'd let yourself be guided by what they tell you ? Therefore, if that friend tells you they're feeling very down, upset, worried, overwhelmed and so on, and that they'd appreciate some 'space' to try to come to terms and/or to look after themselves (without the additional burden of having to consider someone else's feelings about something which, in the greater scheme of things, isn't as important right now) then a good friend would do as they were asked - graciously - even if, privately, they thought you were 'overreacting' or whatever.

That's the bit I don't get. For a genuine friend, you basically saying 'I feel rough, please leave me alone' (in so many words) should be enough for them to allow you some breathing space. After all, it wasn't as if you literally said those words, without any further explanation - you'd made your so called friend aware of the miscarriages and also explained you would of course watch the video as soon as you felt up to it. I can understand she may have felt a little disappointed if she was proud of what her dad had done and was eager to hear your thoughts but good god, you hadn't blown him/her out because you were busy having your nails done but were going through a raw bereavement! The point being that even if she didn't appreciate the magnitude and impact of your grief, the fact you told her you were feeling this way should have been enough for her to back off and stop pressuring you. In fact, a true friend would have wanted to do all they could to try and alleviate the stress you were going through - it wouldn't have altered things - obviously - but she should have been pleased to field off any enquiries about the video from her dad, and to defend your 'inaction' to him had he complained, as it would be one small worry taken off your hands.

Posting the video publically wasn't a misunderstanding - it was pure spite. Anyone with a shred of brain would appreciate the B&G would want to view their wedding video first and if they had good reason for delaying that then so be it. This smacks of 'I'll show them' when she clearly thought you had been 'ungrateful' towards her dad. The vast majority of people would not have reacted the way she did - she comes across as either incredibly emotionally immature, or, incredibly self centred and spoilt. I don't know if you've had past experience of her wanting to be the centre of attention for example but it does appear that she's not the person you thought she was. Sadly, some people are like this .... seemingly fab and lovely while everything goes their way but who reveal their true colours when their nose is put out of joint (their perception) or when they don't get what they want.

It's very sad you're also having to deal with the loss of a friendship at this time. I'm not quite sure why she reacted so strongly to you not being 'available' in the same way you otherwise would have been if you'd not miscarried and am only surmising about her personality. Her reaction though isn't how most people would carry on in a similar situation so don't feel you're at fault here. Obviously grief doesn't give anyone carte blanche to behave horribly towards others indefinitely, but having read your posts a couple of times now I honestly can't see what you've done 'wrong' in the circumstances whereas her effectively marring your video experience, shit-stirring with other friends and sending hurtful messages is dreadful and I really can't think how she imagines it's justified.

Please look after yourself and try not to analyse why she's behaved so horribly. Sometimes the only 'explanation' for cuntish behaviour is, well, that someone is a cunt deep down, however well they managed to hide it previously. I hope your other friends are proving to be more supportive.

well written Catsmother

It hadn't occupied to me it may be a huge f you from the friend, a helpful insight there into the working of some minds.

Spoonspoonspoon

OMG have just read Enoughalreadyyou response to your OP- I really have no idea what to say other than she is several sandwiches short of a picnic. What an extraordinary reaction.

besides, The idea that someone other than you would load your wedding video onto FB without your knowledge or permission is beyond odd.

Just caught up on this thread. I have never had a miscarriage. But evening can see that this "friend" is behaving like a whining selfish entitled bitch, and certain posters are this thread are fucking tossers who need to take a good look at themselves.

Let the friendship go, OP. You weren't in the wrong. Some people will always be selfish assholes.