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Original poster

Unresolvable fall out with friend, but don't completely understand why.

180 replies

SpoonSpoonSpoon · 15/12/2015 17:22

Would appreciate some views on this.

Have been friends with this person since I was ten. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, and godmother to my DC. Her dad offered to film my wedding this summer as a wedding present, we gratefully accepted, thanked him publicly at the wedding and privately. We didn't hear anything about the video for a while, which was not an issue, but relevant.

I miscarried a very much wanted baby two weeks after the wedding. We didn't know I was pregnant at the wedding, but this put a bitter edge to everything related to it. Friend knew this.

Then early November I miscarried again. It broke me. And physically had complications second time around.

Friend's dad messaged me whilst I was miscarrying with a link to YouTube with our wedding video. I wasn't in a place to view it, neither was DH, so I left it. A few hours after he sent the message, friend messages me asking why we hadn't looked at it yet. I explained what was going on, and said I hoped to look at it soon. She sent back what seemed to be an understanding text. At this point I say with high insight that I know I should have contacted him myself, but was in no place to speak to anyone really.

Two days later she uploaded it to Facebook, knowing we hadn't watched it, knowing why. I was getting messages from people about the video. DH and I were both upset, and I asked her to take it down, again explaining why. In response I got a nasty message saying I was being unappreciative and immature, that he hard worked really hard on it, and she was extremely disappointed in me. I didn't respond as was trying to look beyond one falling out, as well as still feeling like absolute crap.

A few days later she messaged pretty normally asking for ideas for DC Christmas. I was pretty much ignoring my phone at this point, so genuinely didn't see the message. So the next day I got a more impatient message. This time I did see it, and replied asking her to please leave me alone for now. To this she sent back a message about throwing away a friendship because I didn't know when to say thank you, and not to contact her again unless it was an apology.

The next day one of my other bridesmaids called me. Friend had contacted her saying she wanted ideas gir DC, but really it was just to bitch. She went as far as to ask whether she should set up a savings account for DC, as she thought I was being petty enough to throw away any gift she sent, and didn't know when she'd next be allowed to see DC. All of which seemed incredibly over the top.

Next morning I received a final message, which was so cruel and cutting I can't stand to look at it again to quote, then she deleted me, having made it very clear I wouldn't be hearing from her again.

I acknowledge - personally, to her, ands to her dad as well, in a message I sent him - that I should have told him personally I would view it when I could, but honestly I was a complete mess. I could just about pretend to function for DC, but the trauma on top of physical side of things... I wasn't thinking straight.

I'm very hurt by the way she has reacted, and it seems very over the top a reaction for me - when boiled down to it - not watching a video immediately.

Just wanted some opinions on things.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Besom · 15/12/2015 19:48

You poor thing op. I have a similar reaction to photos of an expensive holiday we went on to the south of France. For it to be your wedding Sad Flowers.

BipBippadotta · 15/12/2015 19:49

Howtorebuild Oh come off it.

So having a longstanding mh condition means you are exempt from respecting a friend's explicitly stated wishes at a time of emotional distress, whereas if you've only had a traumatic bereavement you should pull your socks up and reply to people's messages pronto?

I think it's about whose need, at this particular time, is greater. Perceived social slight vs OPs nede to try to look after her own mental health.

Crikey, it's not hard.

BipBippadotta · 15/12/2015 19:52

Enoughalready well done for seeing these are different experiences.
For starters, your spouse or your parent don't come out of your body when they die, landing you in hospital. They are also not your child. It is different.

It is also upsetting.

Are you saying one can only be allowed to be slow in responding to text messages when a bereavement meets your criteria of importance?

Enoughalreadyyou · 15/12/2015 19:56

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Eminado · 15/12/2015 19:56

Enough now you are just being outright horrible.

Enoughalreadyyou · 15/12/2015 19:58

No. Just being positive.

howtorebuild · 15/12/2015 19:58

That's the point, op admitted she communicated poorly, with someone she knew had a longstanding mh condition. The friendship is not meant to be, no need for op to be full of bitterness and pass all blame onto the other party, it was a mutual breakdown of the friendship, sad and now op can concentrate on herself.

Original poster
SpoonSpoonSpoon · 15/12/2015 19:58

Enough - please stop now.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 15/12/2015 19:59

I'm just more stoic than OP

Stoic is not the word for you Enough

BipBippadotta · 15/12/2015 20:01

Spoon, Flowers and hugs.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/12/2015 20:03

"We didn't know I was pregnant at the wedding"

OP, I think this is key to how the whole issue started. Your friend and her dad probably simply cannot understand how your actual wedding day is tainted in your memory, because you didn't know you were pregnant at the time anyway, so were enjoying your day as any other bride and groom would. So were the guests. I think in their minds you were experiencing joy as any other bride and groom were and your friend's dad captured that carefree joy on camera. This is how he views it. And your friend. I have a feeling they may have viewed it differently and understood your point of view more clearly if you'd known you were pregnant on your wedding day and had experienced baby excitement along with wedding day excitement.

I'm not saying they were right in how they've reacted. Not at all. As soon as they knew you had miscarried a second time and then got all pushy about why you hadn't viewed the video they should have just left you to get through your grieving period. But in their minds, there is no connection to your wedding day video and your miscarriages. I do think this is how the problem has arisen . They aren't "getting" the connection, they just see it as a video of a day when you experienced pure wedding joy for the joy of 2 people in love. If your friend has mental health issues, this inability to "get" the connection is even harder.

I do think that if you want to save this relationship (and it is totally your call now), you can.

It just needs a long face to face sit down talk. About how you felt at every stage. To try and enable her to "get" it. If she has never had a miscarriage she will never understand how you've felt about everything. It's possible that in your texts to her asking you to leave her alone for the moment, her mental health issues have made her read FAR too much into that. And meaning in texts can go completely awry during times of stress and grief and exacerbate the whole loss of understanding. If you feel able to try and explain it to her (and I can understand why you wouldn't), then you may just get a big apology from her about not being understanding enough. If you don't, even after discussing it face to face, you can move on - she would no Longer be the kind of friend that you'd want in your life.

I think you need a resolution, OP. That's what I'm getting from your posts.

Facebook, texting and YouTube have a lot to bloody answer for.

CultureSucksDownWords · 15/12/2015 20:08

enough are you deliberately trying to upset Spoon? The way you're dismissing her feelings and reactions is just unnecessary.

howtorebuild I've not read anything showing bitterness from Spoon, more confusion and upset. I also don't think she was seeking to blame anyone, I think she was checking whether she'd been unreasonable given the circumstances. [which she hadn't].

Floggingmolly · 15/12/2015 20:10

No one sets the timescale for grief, Eminado, that's not what I said. What I said was that I have had multiple miscarriages which devastated me; naturally, (I have also lost both parents within 6 weeks of each other) but I didn't have the luxury of being completely incapacitated with grief for very long, I had other children to be there for, for one thing.
Completely different thing, and I was asking a question, not telling her to pull her socks up.

SilverShins · 15/12/2015 20:11

Well that's lovely Enough, lovely that you're stoic. But we can't judge everyone by our own standards can we now? OP is OP, she's dealing with her losses her way and it's unhelpful to keep on at her.

I think OP, that it's ok to cut your losses sometimes and move on. You can't change the past and you can't change other people. I don't think you have room for this at the moment. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

LyndaNotLinda · 15/12/2015 20:16

Actually the tainting of the wedding is a bit of a red herring. The OP was in the throes of a miscarriage when her friend's dad sent her the video. Most people would have contacted their dad and said 'spoon probably isn't going to look at her video for a bit because she's got some horrible stuff going on in her life. But sure she'll be touch as soon as she feels able to watch it.'

That's all. Not complicated if the friend has an ounce of empathy. But she obviously doesn't

howtorebuild · 15/12/2015 20:16

I've not read anything showing bitterness from Spoon, more confusion and upset.
Agreed, the bitterness towards op's former friend was from other posters. I just don't think it will help op to become bitter towards the former friend, which is where seeing the others point of view and taking responsibility for your part in the breakdown comes in.

PhoenixReisling · 15/12/2015 20:17

enough FFS! You are not putting a positive spin on anything. Your comments goady are not helpful and are actually offensive.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/12/2015 20:17

I'm sorry, but some people just ARE more stoical about early miscarriage. I have luckily never experienced it myself so I will never know how I myself would feel. But my mum has. She says she was upset about it for a little while. But for actually recovering from it, she Spent a day at home in bed while my dad went to work as usual, and the neighbours popped in to check how she was. And then back to her usual routine a couple of days after. She said she knew it wasn't meant to be so moved on quickly. She had been through cancer twice, and lost her sister to the same type of cancer. Each time she had been very practical, philosophical and yes, stoical, I suppose some would describe it. She is by no means a cold and unfeeling person, she's amazing, and I would really take issue with anyone who would accuse her of being unfeeling just because she deals with major life and health issues in a different way to others.

We are all different. Some people jus ARE philosophical about miscarriage. They just ARE. It's partly a coping mechanism for them. Don't knock it. Can't people just accept that we are all different in our ways of coping with trauma?

lorelei9 · 15/12/2015 20:19

oh Spoon
I hope this thread isn't making things worse.

I reiterate what I said before - the world is full of all kinds of people, I don't want to hang with the ones who are this lacking in feeling.

I would not be in touch with this woman again, you are not at fault in any way. Take care of yourself Flowers

lorelei9 · 15/12/2015 20:20

Curly - no one is debating that people are different! But the OP made it very clear to her friend how she was feeling and the so called friend pushed ahead with behaviour that's pretty grim even with other circumstnaces - who puts up a video on Facebook without permission? That's wrong enough before all the other wrongness going on here.

SirChenjin · 15/12/2015 20:21

Stoical in this instance was being used as a way of putting the OP down by a poster who has posted thoughtless and insensitive comments all through this thread.

Miscarriage and your reaction to it is not a fucking competition, and to make out that she's being positive and stoical while the OP patently wasn't is insensitive in the extreme.

crazyhead · 15/12/2015 20:24

There's no divine jury out there to ca this stuff. Basically you've had a rotten time and reacted to that in a way that your friend has taken badly. I personally wouldn't like your friend has but I can sort of see how she's woven this into a narrative of her being hurt. I think you have to decide at this point whether you are going to make a last ditched attempt to sit down and listen to her version of events and try and save the situation. Friendships are built more on stuff over time than this set of events so you'll be the one to know if this is worth it

crazyhead · 15/12/2015 20:25

Sorry for typos flipping phone!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/12/2015 20:27

Lorelei9, I agree with you. There is enough shitty behaviour from the OP's friend to really not want to bother trying to rescue the friendship.

But what I was getting at is: we are all different, I think Enough is trying to point that out (but seems to be pissing people off in the process) - that difference may well explain why the OP's friend just doesn't view the situation the same way she does. Doesn't make her nasty if she can't make a connection between things when she's never experienced wht the OP has gone through.

That's why I'm suggesting an actual face to face discussion, not a couple of body language-free sentences over text.

lorelei9 · 15/12/2015 20:30

Curly "Doesn't make her nasty if she can't make a connection between things when she's never experienced wht the OP has gone through."

Oh I know. I addressed that in my earlier post too. it may not make the "friend" an actively nasty person but it certainly makes her someone I'd not want to be friends with. "inconsiderate" "unthinking" "insensitive" - very often words used to describe someone is not being deliberately nasty - but clearly doesn't have a default setting that's of value, to me, in a friendship, and I think the OP and other posters feel that way too.