Unresolvable fall out with friend, but don't completely understand why.

[SpoonSpoonSpoon]

Would appreciate some views on this.

Have been friends with this person since I was ten. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, and godmother to my DC. Her dad offered to film my wedding this summer as a wedding present, we gratefully accepted, thanked him publicly at the wedding and privately. We didn't hear anything about the video for a while, which was not an issue, but relevant.

I miscarried a very much wanted baby two weeks after the wedding. We didn't know I was pregnant at the wedding, but this put a bitter edge to everything related to it. Friend knew this.

Then early November I miscarried again. It broke me. And physically had complications second time around.

Friend's dad messaged me whilst I was miscarrying with a link to YouTube with our wedding video. I wasn't in a place to view it, neither was DH, so I left it. A few hours after he sent the message, friend messages me asking why we hadn't looked at it yet. I explained what was going on, and said I hoped to look at it soon. She sent back what seemed to be an understanding text. At this point I say with high insight that I know I should have contacted him myself, but was in no place to speak to anyone really.

Two days later she uploaded it to Facebook, knowing we hadn't watched it, knowing why. I was getting messages from people about the video. DH and I were both upset, and I asked her to take it down, again explaining why. In response I got a nasty message saying I was being unappreciative and immature, that he hard worked really hard on it, and she was extremely disappointed in me. I didn't respond as was trying to look beyond one falling out, as well as still feeling like absolute crap.

A few days later she messaged pretty normally asking for ideas for DC Christmas. I was pretty much ignoring my phone at this point, so genuinely didn't see the message. So the next day I got a more impatient message. This time I did see it, and replied asking her to please leave me alone for now. To this she sent back a message about throwing away a friendship because I didn't know when to say thank you, and not to contact her again unless it was an apology.

The next day one of my other bridesmaids called me. Friend had contacted her saying she wanted ideas gir DC, but really it was just to bitch. She went as far as to ask whether she should set up a savings account for DC, as she thought I was being petty enough to throw away any gift she sent, and didn't know when she'd next be allowed to see DC. All of which seemed incredibly over the top.

Next morning I received a final message, which was so cruel and cutting I can't stand to look at it again to quote, then she deleted me, having made it very clear I wouldn't be hearing from her again.

I acknowledge - personally, to her, ands to her dad as well, in a message I sent him - that I should have told him personally I would view it when I could, but honestly I was a complete mess. I could just about pretend to function for DC, but the trauma on top of physical side of things... I wasn't thinking straight.

I'm very hurt by the way she has reacted, and it seems very over the top a reaction for me - when boiled down to it - not watching a video immediately.

Just wanted some opinions on things.

Thank you.

Enough - I connected it with the loss quite logically. I was pregnant that day, and now I'm not. It's like having a special day out with someone, and two weeks later them dying. You would associate that last special day with their passing.

That's interesting she has a history of mental ill health - I suspected as much, it sounds very familiar.

Honestly, don't worry about whether or not you could have communicated better - you couldn't. You explained what was going on and she kept going with her strange behaviour. Of course you had to be assertive - it was the only thing that would make her understand.

Enough - actually I've just reread your comment about future children. Do you know how insensitive that is? I could have six more children, and I would still cry for the two I have lost this year.

I have apologised. I was trying to be positive but it was insensitive. So sorry again.

I connected it with the loss quite logically. I was pregnant that day, and now I'm not
Had you communicated this to the Father, he may not have known and thought you were eagerly awaiting his time consuming gift?

Enough and howtorebuild your comments are so insensitive and lacking in empathy.

Communicating anything at all is understandably not going to be a priority in the situation the OP was in. The friend was told clearly what was going on, she should have made it clear to the dad why her good friend was temporarily unable to respond.

I am trying to point out things op may not have considered, not everything's black and white. The friendship may be over, it may help op to see things from the other point of view.

I tend to agree that although this must have been utterly appalling, you didn't need to ask them to take the video down.

It must have seemed like you were too upset to engage with them on it but not too upset to ask them to remove it.

If you were able to ignore her messages, could you not just have ignored the chatter about the video too?

I don't really see why chatter about your wedding video would make your miscarriage worse. It couldn't really be much worse but taking offence that the video was up before you'd seen it kind of did. In this day and age there were probably loads of pics and vids of the wedding up on FB immediately anyway.

All that aside I am sorry for your loss - don't lose a friendship too

Somehow I don't think you're helping. Every post you make seems to be making it about what the OP did wrong, when nothing she did was unreasonable given the circumstances. The friend knew about the circumstances, and for whatever reason, failed to be a good friend and care about the OP.

howto, the OP had some fairly compelling reasons to struggle with communicating with her friend. What was her mate's excuse?

fwiw, when my dd was stillborn, I was really hurt to discover that one or two people I had been close to for years (who had been very emotionally demanding of me, but who I was fond of) were incapable of putting their own demands aside and give me a bit of tlc. They needed me to look after them, respond to their texts & emails immediately or they'd take offence, etc. This was days after I'd come home from hospital. If someone simply cannot stop demanding of you / attacking you long enough to be kind when you are at rock bottom, that person was never a friend.

Fortunately, I also had overwhelmingly moving support from friends and family, some of whom I hadn't seen in years.

Empathy: either you've got it or you don't.

I have suffered bereavement and found comfort in photographs or film. Just seeing it in a different way. Anyway there's no need for disagreement. You are the one who has suffered so it's your opinion that counts.
Just wanted you to see that friend didn't see it that way and it's a shame that such a longstanding friendship has ended when you need her the most. She should have kept her feelings of rejection to herself.

I really, really fucking hate people minimising miscarriages. No one would think you were unreasonable if you had had a stillbirth and yet if you miscarry, you're supposed to just shrug it off.

OP - I'm really so very sorry for your losses. And for your friend behaving like such a self-obsessed attention-seeking brat. I was pregnant at a milestone birthday and very few people knew. I miscarried that baby 2 months later and I can't bear to look at the photos because it's very obvious to me that I have a 'happy secret' look on my face.

for you and in the face for your 'friend'.

What's the actual time scale? You say your wedding was "in the summer" and it's now December... That's a potential 6 month time period, which is a long time to be totally incapacitated with grief, is it not?
Couldn't you have managed a phone call when she first mentioned it?
And I have had multiple miscarriages myself, I do know how absolutely horrendeous it is and I have no wish to be insensitive, I'm just confused at the length of time involved.

Spoon if she is used to a dynamic where she leans on you, it maybe that she struggled to cope with a situation where you needed support and to be prioritised. I think in times of trauma, some people step up and others, who are used to being 'supported' still think it's all about them.

BipBip - cross-posted. I'd assumed people were a bit more sensitive but obviously I've given them too much credit :( So sorry for your loss

I'm sorry for what you went through.

I've been there, I understand.

But...it sounds like you pushed her away. I know you were in a bad place but telling her to leave you alone after it appeared that you'd ignored texts was probably very hurtful for her.

When people aren't in it, they don't get it. They're not bad people just oblivious.

I do have to wonder why you told her to take the video down. Did it really bother you? Presumably she wanted to share her dad's hard work!

Fortunately, I also had overwhelmingly moving support from friends and family, some of whom I hadn't seen in years.

That's interesting Bip as ive had exactly the same experience with friends. The people who i'd have considered close friends before my mums shock death are not the people who i'd say are close friends now, a year later. Well, some of them are the same, but some really let me down and disappeared. And others who i hadnt spoken to in years gave me amazing love and support and are now a big part of my life.

Its funny how it works. Empathy like you say.

OP had some fairly compelling reasons to struggle with communicating with her friend. What was her mate's excuse?
According to op a long standing mh condition.
Empathy: either you've got it or you don't.

Flogging - the OP miscarried again in November. If you're going to post on a thread about grief, do the OP the courtesy of actually reading the OP

enoughalready, you pay lip service to the idea that people experience things differently, but you also seem to think that you can't just take someone's word for it that they are devastated. That they owe you an explanation & a justification.

If someone who has suffered a major loss says to a friend who has, at worst, suffered a bit of a slight, 'I am very upset about this, please leave me alone', a friend, who cares, will respect that person's wishes. Not continue hounding them angrily.

Floggingmolly

"and it's now December... That's a potential 6 month time period, which is a long time to be totally incapacitated with grief, is it not?
Couldn't you have managed a phone call when she first mentioned it?"

Fgs!!!

Would you say that to someone mourning a parent? A spouse?

Who sets the timescale for grief for someone else?!

What long term gain is there for op to think her former friend a monster? They clearly didn't know each other well enough, their temperaments are very different and add poor communication into the mix, things broke down. Op can move on from that loss not feeling bitter about the ex friend.

Btw, before my words are twisted, the friendship loss,was per the op.

It's really not the same as losing a spouse or parent is it? And I have experience of both. FFS