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Original poster

Unresolvable fall out with friend, but don't completely understand why.

180 replies

SpoonSpoonSpoon · 15/12/2015 17:22

Would appreciate some views on this.

Have been friends with this person since I was ten. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, and godmother to my DC. Her dad offered to film my wedding this summer as a wedding present, we gratefully accepted, thanked him publicly at the wedding and privately. We didn't hear anything about the video for a while, which was not an issue, but relevant.

I miscarried a very much wanted baby two weeks after the wedding. We didn't know I was pregnant at the wedding, but this put a bitter edge to everything related to it. Friend knew this.

Then early November I miscarried again. It broke me. And physically had complications second time around.

Friend's dad messaged me whilst I was miscarrying with a link to YouTube with our wedding video. I wasn't in a place to view it, neither was DH, so I left it. A few hours after he sent the message, friend messages me asking why we hadn't looked at it yet. I explained what was going on, and said I hoped to look at it soon. She sent back what seemed to be an understanding text. At this point I say with high insight that I know I should have contacted him myself, but was in no place to speak to anyone really.

Two days later she uploaded it to Facebook, knowing we hadn't watched it, knowing why. I was getting messages from people about the video. DH and I were both upset, and I asked her to take it down, again explaining why. In response I got a nasty message saying I was being unappreciative and immature, that he hard worked really hard on it, and she was extremely disappointed in me. I didn't respond as was trying to look beyond one falling out, as well as still feeling like absolute crap.

A few days later she messaged pretty normally asking for ideas for DC Christmas. I was pretty much ignoring my phone at this point, so genuinely didn't see the message. So the next day I got a more impatient message. This time I did see it, and replied asking her to please leave me alone for now. To this she sent back a message about throwing away a friendship because I didn't know when to say thank you, and not to contact her again unless it was an apology.

The next day one of my other bridesmaids called me. Friend had contacted her saying she wanted ideas gir DC, but really it was just to bitch. She went as far as to ask whether she should set up a savings account for DC, as she thought I was being petty enough to throw away any gift she sent, and didn't know when she'd next be allowed to see DC. All of which seemed incredibly over the top.

Next morning I received a final message, which was so cruel and cutting I can't stand to look at it again to quote, then she deleted me, having made it very clear I wouldn't be hearing from her again.

I acknowledge - personally, to her, ands to her dad as well, in a message I sent him - that I should have told him personally I would view it when I could, but honestly I was a complete mess. I could just about pretend to function for DC, but the trauma on top of physical side of things... I wasn't thinking straight.

I'm very hurt by the way she has reacted, and it seems very over the top a reaction for me - when boiled down to it - not watching a video immediately.

Just wanted some opinions on things.

Thank you.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 15/12/2015 18:46

All I'm saying is is that the wedding was obviously a happy occasion and OP chose to see it in an unhappy way because of her subsequent loss but not everyone will see it that way.

Anyone with ANY sort of empathy WOULD bloody well see it that way! I genuinely cannot imagine anyone I know thinking anything different.

howtorebuild · 15/12/2015 18:48

Out of context quote, twisted to suit your fantasy.

SlaggyIsland · 15/12/2015 18:50

howtorebuild you understand that the OP was going through a bereavement, yes?
On that basis your response is baffling in it's callousness.
I'm really baffled by some of the responses on this thread. If I knew, as the friend did, that someone was going through what is both a bereavement and a physical trauma, the last thing in the world I would do is hassle them, fall out with them and make it all about me. That is dreadful behaviour.
I can only assume some people didn't read the OP carefully enough - I hope so, otherwise there's some very odd unpleasant people out there.

Enoughalreadyyou · 15/12/2015 18:51

All I'm saying is that I would grieve the loss but not grieve about the wedding. That's all. In years to come there will be little ones etc and everything will be different. OP is entitled to her response I'm just saying it wouldn't be mine.

SlaggyIsland · 15/12/2015 18:52

Enough was the poor OP not at least entitled to a bit of time to go through her second miscarriage without being hounded by the friend?

TendonQueen · 15/12/2015 18:52

It's unreasonable for anyone to get stroppy that you don't immediately watch the video they've made. If it had been sent to me in the middle of a work day, I might well have been unable to watch till the evening. Given the circumstances, they had absolutely no call to get stroppy about that at all. And I agree with pp that I'd have been dismayed at it being put on YouTube/Facebook straight off anyway - even without the pain of losing a baby. She's been really over the top in her reaction to this. Friendship may not be repairable, but I'm not sure she was ever as good a friend as you thought anyway.

howtorebuild · 15/12/2015 18:53

I think the same about people who can't see both sides. You can be bereaved and remain polite to people doing kind things for you. Not everyone grieves the same way and if you don't want space it's baffling someone would.

CultureSucksDownWords · 15/12/2015 18:54

The friend is supposed to care about the OP, and if she knew the OP was suffering a second, worse, miscarriage immediately after her wedding...how could she not realise how distressing it would be for her??? Anyone with any empathy (or even just some common sense and logic) would understand that the OP would be distressed and any unusual responses would be as a result of the distress. Why she didn't just think "this must be a terrible time for OP, a wedding video is a tiny minor thing in comparison, I won't bother her with that now".

howtorebuild · 15/12/2015 18:56

Maybe friend would find talking and a happy video helpful when grieving, clearly not what something that suits op.

WilburIsSomePig · 15/12/2015 18:57

All I'm saying is is that the wedding was obviously a happy occasion and OP chose to see it in an unhappy way because of her subsequent loss but not everyone will see it that way.

Seriously? Jesus, I'm glad that my friends were actually, well, friends to me when I miscarried.

CultureSucksDownWords · 15/12/2015 18:57

howtorebuild if you're aware that everyone grieves differently, why would you expect someone else to grieve in the same way as you?

howtorebuild · 15/12/2015 18:58

I was explaining I can see both sides.

Enoughalreadyyou · 15/12/2015 19:01

I just wouldn't connect the wedding video with the loss. Maybe friend thought the same way. But she should have respected OPs wishes and not been so demanding.

SirChenjin · 15/12/2015 19:02

Your friend is a complete and utter arse. I know it's hurtful, esp. given your history, but she showed her true colours at a time when you most needed her love, support and kindness. Her behaviour was so extreme and so unusual that she's either not the person you thought she was (and you are well rid of her) or she has some sort of personality disorder which prevented her behaving in a normal way at a time when her friend was going through a miscarriage - with the physical, mental and emotional trauma that brings.

Some of the posts on here have been Shock

Enoughalreadyyou · 15/12/2015 19:04

Also friends attempts at kindness were rebuffed but she could have been more understanding and waited patiently for OP to recover.

CultureSucksDownWords · 15/12/2015 19:08

If you thought that watching the video might be helpful, it's reasonable that the friend should gently ask this first! Rather than harass the OP about watching it, and then posting it to Facebook anyway.

I cannot see any way in which this supposed friend has acted reasonably. The moment the OP told her she was miscarrying, that's the moment that, as a friend, she should have been considerate. It's reasonable to expect that a friend would understand that a miscarriage is a shit thing that may well emotionally distress. Honestly, if she found herself thinking "I'm a bit annoyed that OP is ignoring me about the video" the blindingly obvious answer to that is because she's distressed by the miscarriage! It's not hard to work out, unless you're completely self centred and lacking in empathy.

SirChenjin · 15/12/2015 19:09

They weren't rebuffed - read paras 5 and 6.

Original poster
SpoonSpoonSpoon · 15/12/2015 19:09

There isn't anything else - which is why I'm so baffled. I saw her two days before my miscarriage started, and everything was fine. I'd told her I was expecting and she was buzzing with excitement about it.

She has a history of mental health issues causing her to act erratically, but she normally leans on me when this happens, so whether this is what is happening and I'm just on the receiving end this time, I don't know.

I have contacted her dad and explained why I haven't viewed it.

It was posted publicly on Facebook - maybe if it had been in a private group it wouldn't have hurt so much, but people that are friends with her that I don't know had already seen it before we had.

I don't think it is fair to say that I am blaming others for what I'm going through - I think the guilt will last as long as the grief - or that I was expecting her to mind read. I explained more than once what was happening, and how it was impacting us. Also, re emotional boundaries; I'm actually very good with boundaries, but this defies all logic. And maybe it doesn't make sense to people who haven't been through it, but every wedding photo the guilt and pain hits freshly.

I could have communicated better with her - but from how she was acting, I was worried about getting more grief from her, and was trying to preserve the friendship. Maybe not in the most logical way, but it made sense at the time.

OP posts:
BipBippadotta · 15/12/2015 19:10

I think the thing is, it was her video, her wedding, her miscarriages and her bereavement and her^ trauma.

The dad put a lot of effort into the video, which was a wedding present, to the couple (unless of course it was a thinly disguised promotional video for his video business or whatever, in which case his motives are really sleazy). So as it's their present, it's theirs to do with what they want, watch or not, whatever.

How you would or wouldn't feel differently from the OP, in a very personal and upsetting situation you admit you are unable to contemplate because it has never happened to you, is just not relevant to the situation.

If a friend says, 'please do not post images you made of me to a public place; I find this upsetting; I am going through a traumatic loss' - it's really not your business to pronounce on whether she's entitled to feel this way.

[Also, as a total aside, Enoughalready I'm interested to know how you're so sure that 'in years to come there will be little ones and everything will be all right'? Is this guaranteed? Please say yes, the miscarriage & infertility boards will be over the moon.]

SlaggyIsland · 15/12/2015 19:12

Spoon please completely ignore the suggestion that you are blaming others or anything relating to your boundaries - you are entirely reasonable and anyone with an ounce of empathy won't see it any differently.

Enoughalreadyyou · 15/12/2015 19:13

I see what you mean. Apologies.

SirChenjin · 15/12/2015 19:13

Also, as a total aside, Enoughalready I'm interested to know how you're so sure that 'in years to come there will be little ones and everything will be all right'? Is this guaranteed? Please say yes, the miscarriage & infertility boards will be over the moon

Totally agree. What a ridiculous and stupid thing to say Enough.

CultureSucksDownWords · 15/12/2015 19:15

Spoon you honestly haven't done anything that an actual friend would be able to cope with. If I received messages like yours from a good friend I would be worried about them and trying to respond in a way that would help, not upset. Your friend's response is baffling and unusual, and it is to do with her rather than anything you could have done differently.

howtorebuild · 15/12/2015 19:15

I meant your blaming your friend for the breakdown of the friendship, now you are in your latest post taking responsibility for part of the breakdown due to your poor communication.

I hope things work out for you. I think your friendship is over, neither of you know each other very well at all.

CultureSucksDownWords · 15/12/2015 19:18

If a good friend can't understand why a miscarriage in these circumstances would cause "poor communication" [this is not how I would describe it btw], then the friendship isn't what it was. That isn't the OPs fault, it's the friends fault for a complete lack of empathy and understanding. It's horribly unthinking not to have any insight into how the OP might be reacting to the miscarriage, from someone who is supposed to know her well.