should i tell my daughter the truth about marriage?

[Lilipops]

I am new to this and wanted to find somewhere to ask a question anonymously.
I have been married nearly 11 years and have two children aged 7 & 9. My 7 year old is a girl and i am worried about the future for her.
My husband gives me the general impression that he doesn't like me very much. He's not abusive or even nasty and we never argue but he just doesn't talk to me or really have anything to do with me. We live practically separate lives and he knows very little about my life. I ran my own money and he has a well paid job and pays our mortgage and bills etc.
However, he seems to like to have sex with me still. This is something he does generally without my consent, (i say i don't want to but I'm perhaps I'm not forceful enough). This is in no way a love making exercise, it's just him fulfilling his 'need' and using me in order to do this (or at least that's how i feel). I dread going to bed as in not sure if he'll want to do it or not. There is no kissing or touching etc involved. I can't remember the last time we kissed and if we accidentally touch in day to day life it feels really awkward. I'm sure he thinks it's his way of showing me how much he does love me, but i don't feel like that. I struggle to talk to him about it as he flies off the handle very easily and says that on being really horrible to him saying such awful things.
I spoke to my mum a bit about this and she said to me that that's what marriage is like. All women have to put up with that, it's part of what is involved in being married. Why did she not tell me this a long time ago? I feel like i want to tell my daughter that is what will happen to her to allow her to make the decision whether she wants to get married or not. I know she's only 7 but i don't want her to go through this. What should i do? Put her off getting married this early or let her believe the fairytale until she's older?

Thank you so much everyone, I am overwhelmed by the response. I am ok, my husband is away with work at the moment so I'm at home on my own for a bit and so I'm ok.
I haven't stopped thinking about everything everyone has said all day, I have spent time trying to persuade myself that it isn't that bad, but maybe it is from all your responses.
Please don't laugh at me, I know this sounds ridiculous, but if I very forcefully say no to him, he will lose his temper and grab clothes and walk out the house and drive off very fast. He knows that this upsets me (and I know I am weak) so he knows I'll avoid that situation. He has done it a few times (and returned at about 4am) and then carried on as if nothing has happened. I worry for my children, I worry that I have to explain to them what has happened.
I can't talk to him about this or anything else. He will never ever accept that he is doing anything wrong. Even if I showed him all these posts, he still wouldn't accept that he was doing anything wrong. He would say that I was making it all up and I am just doing it to be horrible to him and I'm such a horrible person for doing so. He is very difficult to talk to, he gets angry very easily, so I generally keep quiet about things to keep the peace. He hasn't ever hit me, he's too clever for that. I sometimes wish he would and then I would have 'evidence' but I don't think he ever will. He has hit the wall and doors instead, but he has fixed the holes afterwards to hide the evidence.

Least you can relax while he's away. He sounds very sly.

Op your husband is not a good man, he is a rapist and he is sounding worse with everything you post. It's easy to see how you got into this position as your parents marriage was clearly similar. To chime in with everyone else, this is not what a marriage should be like. It is not a healthy or normal relationship. It really is that bad. Honestly when I saw your first post I got quite a big shock, I was not expecting it to be about rape. It is rape 100% whether you realised or not. I have no idea why someone would want to have sex with a person who isn't interested or enjoying it. He can't see you as a person, just as a hole to put his penis in.

I want to scream at you to leave. Get away from him. Don't let your children grow up to think this is normal. I know life isn't that simple but I do think you should look at what practicalities there are and start thinking about your options. You can get in touch with women's aid for advice and maybe even rape crisis because the realisation you have been raped on a regular basis might be hard to come to terms with. Mumsnet is a brilliant source of support and you will get a lot of good advice here. I do not think you should show him this thread or even tell him you are on mumsnet. Also try not to let what your mum says get to you. She has obviously lived this way her whole life and her views are deeply entrenched, she probably wouldn't want too admit to herself or to you that this is abuse. It is not her life you are living, it is yours. As a child who was brought up in an abusive home I can tell you from experience that your children will be so much better off to not be in that situation.

"Please don't laugh at me, I know this sounds ridiculous, but if I very forcefully say no to him, he will lose his temper and grab clothes and walk out the house and drive off very fast. He knows that this upsets me (and I know I am weak) so he knows I'll avoid that situation."

We would never laugh at you. It doesn't sound ridiculous at all. He is punishing you for saying no to him. That is part of the sexual and emotional abuse. It's coercion, and it's very nasty.

Since he's away at the moment, now would be a very good time to call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to listen to you and help you understand whether he is abusive or not. I'm sure it will do you good to talk to someone about it, especially Women's Aid because they're experts on situations like yours.

I echo all said on here and wanted you to know that we all know how safari all this is, but we are here. Whatever you need, whenever you need an ear, we are here.

I hate the idea of him going out like that, wtf does he do while out to relieve himself? Escort? prostitute? Worse? In sure I'm reading more into this than there is, but it's creeped me out completely!

Really sorry but I hope he crashes the fucking car when he is driving like a lunatic. Doing that is another Way to control you btw.

This is the ideal time to leave! Grab all your documents and get out before he gets back!

yes, when hes away in the car make a plan to leave then

I'm so sorry to read what you are going through.

After much help and hand holding from the wonderful people on here, I left my husband after he raped me. It hasn't been easy, but it's definitely the best thing I ever did. And you can do it too, when you are ready.

Dig deep, you are much stronger than you think.

You and your children need to be away from him.

My marriage is nothing like you describe. We're happy, we have fun, enjoy our family time, support each other, discuss our lives, enjoy our children, share our money and have great sex. Don't put your daughter off marriage because you (and perhaps your mum) are unhappy.

My parents had an awful marriage, it was because my father is an awful person. Most people aren't!

It's one of those things where there is a fine line perhaps. I don't have much experience of relationships. Men in general don't find me attractive and so therefore I haven't had many boyfriends. I am not sure if I have ever really been in love, I know I must have thought I was in love when I got married, but I am questioning it now.
I guess I just thought that if you're supposed to be in love with someone, you go along with what they want to please them. I have been through the stage of crying a lot afterwards, but now I don't cry at all. It's weird. I just can't understand how someone (who is supposed to love you) can treat someone like that. I think perhaps if he was loving towards me, or even caring or interested in me then perhaps I might be happier to go along with what he wants. I don't know!

You are right that he will never accept that he has done anything wrong. That is a good insight. Use it to save you time: there is no point trying to show him the error of his ways.

More important, though, is what you think.

You're not weak and nobody on here will laugh at you.

I hope you can reach out and seek support in moving on from this relationship. You deserve so much better

X-post. The not crying is a defence mechanism. You have probably repressed your emotions to survive, by telling yourself what's happening is not so bad so that you can get through it.

Watch out for delayed rage, now that you are beginning to wake up to this. If your feelings have been pushed down for a while, they can be quite a shock when they start to surface.

I agree with Charlotte

This is no fine line here.
There is a big fat clear line and he oversteps it by a billion miles all the time.

As others have said please call Womens Aid.
Rape Crisis can also help you come to terms with what you have been going through for so long.

No-one on here (well one person) is going to advise you to stay with an abuser and a rapist and your mother should NOT be excusing it either.

You may want to consider counselling for yourself.
Could you talk to your GP about all of this? They can refer you for therapy.

The scales are now falling from your eyes.
This could be a dangerous time for you so please be careful.
If he has ever been violent then please call 101 when you are close to leaving and speak to the DV team and let them know the situation.
They can put you on priority call and be there fast should anything happen to stop you leaving.

I sincerely hope you get a plan in place to leave and to do it very soon.
It will be hard. And you might not be successful the first few times.
People in abusive relationships take a few attempts to get out.
Keep posting here for support. Everyone wants to help you get out of this awful situation. Not just for you but for your DC as well.
You know that you and them deserve so much better than this awful life.

OP, he sounds truly vile: your marriage is not what marriage should be like.

Start to collect together important documents like birth certificates, passports, driver's licence etc and keep them - or copies of them - somewhere safe, out of the house. That way he'll have one less thing to use to cause you hassle.

RE: the sex and the rape.

Given you've said he flies off the handle if you try to talk to him, it is worth writing him a letter? I think you'd want to word it carefully (all that psychology crap about making it about you not him: "I feel [xyz] when this happens") to avoid provoking him* but if you aren't ready to leave him and walk out right now, then at least it may help you end the sexual abuse and use of your body.

*NB: Before I get attacked for saying this, I'm not suggesting in any way that he doesn't fully deserve to be provoked for his abusive behaviour, I mean that it is probably in OPs own best interests to avoid that if possible.

Men in general don't find me attractive and so therefore I haven't had many boyfriends

I seriously doubt that "men in general" don't find you attractive. It's far more likely that if you feel like this about yourself you have projected that.

Think of it this way, a woman who feels attractive when a man says hello or smiles, will give a cheery smile back and radiate positivity. The man may then engage in conversation. A woman in the same position who assumes she is unattractive may turn away, just grunt a reply back with a sad face and reflect a barrier so the man may not engage further.

Sounds like your self esteem has been really broken down - and from the way you describe your marriage I'm not surprised. You need to start to work on rebuilding your self esteem.

I hope you have started to think about what your life could be like, safe and happy?

Do you know where your documents are? And those for your children?

Do you have access to money, independent from him? If not, could you open a secret account and start squirrelling away amounts that he won't notice?

Please get in touch with an agency that can help you, women's aid for example.

Wishing you strength and happiness.

Not a helpful post under the circumstances Polly. You should abide by MN guidelines and report the thread so that MN can decide how genuine a poster is, not attempt to sabotage much needed help for a poster in need and in distress. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Perhaps also I haven't told her all the details.

If you actually told your mother you were being raped on a regular basis, she might surprise you and say something quite different? You describe your dad as a nice man - can you ask for his help?

Marriage is not as you describe. What you are going through sounds like hell to me and it makes me so sad. Please, please get help.

I also think - as a guess- that I am closer to the age of the OP's mum, so it's not a scenario that women of my generation accept- maybe 100 years ago- but not now.

I disagree. Before our wedding day my mum gave us advice which was basically now we are getting married I have to submit to sex when DH wants. DH was absolutely horrified. But that attitude does still exist. My mum is 65.

About 5 years ago I was talking to women in their late 20s who didn't realise they could say no to sexual acts in a long term relationship.