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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

should i tell my daughter the truth about marriage?

129 replies

Lilipops · 14/12/2015 17:10

I am new to this and wanted to find somewhere to ask a question anonymously.
I have been married nearly 11 years and have two children aged 7 & 9. My 7 year old is a girl and i am worried about the future for her.
My husband gives me the general impression that he doesn't like me very much. He's not abusive or even nasty and we never argue but he just doesn't talk to me or really have anything to do with me. We live practically separate lives and he knows very little about my life. I ran my own money and he has a well paid job and pays our mortgage and bills etc.
However, he seems to like to have sex with me still. This is something he does generally without my consent, (i say i don't want to but I'm perhaps I'm not forceful enough). This is in no way a love making exercise, it's just him fulfilling his 'need' and using me in order to do this (or at least that's how i feel). I dread going to bed as in not sure if he'll want to do it or not. There is no kissing or touching etc involved. I can't remember the last time we kissed and if we accidentally touch in day to day life it feels really awkward. I'm sure he thinks it's his way of showing me how much he does love me, but i don't feel like that. I struggle to talk to him about it as he flies off the handle very easily and says that on being really horrible to him saying such awful things.
I spoke to my mum a bit about this and she said to me that that's what marriage is like. All women have to put up with that, it's part of what is involved in being married. Why did she not tell me this a long time ago? I feel like i want to tell my daughter that is what will happen to her to allow her to make the decision whether she wants to get married or not. I know she's only 7 but i don't want her to go through this. What should i do? Put her off getting married this early or let her believe the fairytale until she's older?

OP posts:

magoria · 14/12/2015 22:29

What you should tell your DD is that the first time any man H or not has sex with her against her will when she has said no she should walk away and never look back.

What you should tell your DS is that if a woman says no. He stops.

What you should do is leave that nasty vile rapist of a H you have.

break the cycle for yourself and your DC before it is too late and they have this life for themselves too.

You deserve better!

StrumpersPlunkett · 14/12/2015 22:34

Have just talked to do about this.
I am never one to jump on the leave the bastard band wagon
Most marriages have highs and lows
However, in your situation Inwould give him ONE opportunity to sort the relationship. Show him this thread if necessary. He needs to know that what he is doing is rape.
If he can't talk about it then the marriage has no future and you should leave, in your own time on your own terms but don't look back at all.

StrumpersPlunkett · 14/12/2015 22:36

Oh yes please do not tell your daughter that all marriages are awful.
Mine has been work at times but we respect and love each other and neither of us would ever stay in a relationship that was as yours is.

Blakerose15 · 14/12/2015 22:39

I went thro the same thing I cried most time run away I was mad to believe it is normal but it is not there is places you n your daughter can go

VestalVirgin · 14/12/2015 22:44

Show him this thread if necessary. He needs to know that what he is doing is rape.

No. No this is not advisable. See, she already tried to talk to him about it. She says he "flies off the handle". I am no native speaker, so not sure what it means, but it does sound like he gets angry.

If a man needs to hear the r-word to know that what he is doing is wrong, then he is only worried about possible legal punishment. He has no compassion for the woman he rapes.

It is good to know that even you would not stay - but in my opinion, if she shows him this thread, she should do so per e-mail. While there are miles and miles between them. Preferably while the grey North Sea is between them.

One does not try to fix relationships with abusive men. One runs fast and far, and then, if one is generous, explains the why.

It may well be that she cannot run away as far as would be best for her, as under current laws he could demand to see the children. Still, she should not meet him alone after leaving, and not let him know about intentions to leave beforehand.

AnyFucker · 14/12/2015 22:45

Do not show this rapist anything on Mumsnet

StrumpersPlunkett · 14/12/2015 22:48

Fair point vestal
I just think that some men have been bought up to believe that you can not rape in a marriage and I thought perhaps seeing such clear response from posters saying he is raping her may shock him enough to realise what he is doing is hideously wrong.
OP
Please don't put yourself in harm by listening to my naive opinion..

pinkyredrose · 14/12/2015 22:51

OP call Women's Aid. They can arrange for you and DC to go to a refuge and help with benefits and advice regarding long term housing. Tell them you're being constantly abused ,they will help you.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 14/12/2015 22:51

OP, everyone is saying how wonderful their marriages are which is fair enough, but even if you never marry again that will be preferable to what you are going through.

Being single can be a very positive option and there are so many things to fill your life with that have nothing to do with sexual or romantic love.

Best of luck.

OddSocksHighHeels · 14/12/2015 22:52

strumpers no. I'm sure you mean well but realists know what they're doing. One of mine apologised to me for it (because that makes it ok ) but only because I'd told other people. They know what they're doing.

VestalVirgin · 14/12/2015 22:54

I'm scared of being on my own and scared of failing. In my mothers eyes I will be a failure if I split up with my husband. I don't know what to do, I don't feel mentally capable of leaving him, but I do think in the long run I would be better off without him.

Look up the sunk cost fallacy. It may be helpful to understand your feelings about leaving an unhappy marriage. You invested a lot in trying to make this work for you, so you feel you have to continue. But this feeling is irrational, as you cannot succeed.

If the prospect of living alone is what scares you, look into options for sharing housing with other women.

You don't have to do this alone, there are many help offers for women in abusive relationships. Read this blog post: www.thecomebackmum.co.uk/#!What-Is-It-Like-Living-In-A-Womens-Aid-Refuge/c218b/566806630cf256f069004946

You can do it!

needastrongone · 14/12/2015 23:06

Oh lill, you have posted here. You are MUCH stronger than you think. It might take some time for you to believe this though. I think maybe, if you can, rather than think about how your mother will view you, think how your daughter will view YOU in years to come, and this might influence your thinking.

What is happening to you is not right, not at all right.

Digest a while, then plan for your daughters future, and yours.

NameChange30 · 14/12/2015 23:29

strumpers
"your situation Inwould give him ONE opportunity to sort the relationship. Show him this thread if necessary. He needs to know that what he is doing is rape."

That is the worst, most irresponsible advice I have ever read on mumsnet. You don't understand abusive men, do you?! Reading a forum thread on the internet is not going to give him a lightbulb moment! If the OP showed him the thread she would be obliterating her safe space and source of support.

StrumpersPlunkett · 14/12/2015 23:45

AnotherEmma,
Please read my response. I understand my point of view is a naive one and guided the OP to ignore me.
It is a public forum and I just stated what I would do in the same way everyone else has.

NameChange30 · 15/12/2015 00:08

Strumpers I did read your response. If you really regret posting you could ask for your post to be removed. But while it's still there, I think it's important to challenge it. I have a right to do so, since it's a public forum and all.

Redglitter · 15/12/2015 00:12

Tell your daughter about your marriage by all means. Tell her how to say no. But do not hold your marriage up as an example of how marriages are. You're in an abusive relationship. Don't let that affect your daughters image of how a marriage is. Yours is NOT the norm

Phoenix69 · 15/12/2015 05:06

Previous posters have said everything -

do not tell your daughter this is what marriage is because it isn't.
do not stay in an unhappy or abusive relationship because your kids will be watching thinking this is normal
do not show him this thread
do get help. Plenty of help for abused women, lots of links provided in this thread
get help today. Don't delay. Start working on your new future today

Domino777 · 15/12/2015 05:40

It's normal to be frightened moving out. In the long term it will positive and will set a good example to your DC.

pinkyredrose · 15/12/2015 12:52

How are you today OP?

Girlwhowearsglasses · 15/12/2015 13:15

Lilipops

Just to say yes - posting on this thread means anyone who has already posted will see it - it just doesn't come up in searches so it less public.

let us know how you are doing, we're here for support still!

needastrongone · 15/12/2015 15:45

Hi Lilli, just checking that you are ok.

EvaBING · 15/12/2015 15:53

Lili - if you forcefully said 'NO - i do not want sex tonight', what would he do?

PurpleThermalsNowItsWinter · 15/12/2015 16:05

OP- it isn't your mother's life, it's yours. If you already think you're better off without him then you'll think and feel that a thousand times more when you're on your own and can go to bed without being fearful.

LurcioAgain · 15/12/2015 16:07

She's said no, Eva - he just carries on.

VulcanWoman · 15/12/2015 16:08

Hope you are ok today Lilipops

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