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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

should i tell my daughter the truth about marriage?

129 replies

Lilipops · 14/12/2015 17:10

I am new to this and wanted to find somewhere to ask a question anonymously.
I have been married nearly 11 years and have two children aged 7 & 9. My 7 year old is a girl and i am worried about the future for her.
My husband gives me the general impression that he doesn't like me very much. He's not abusive or even nasty and we never argue but he just doesn't talk to me or really have anything to do with me. We live practically separate lives and he knows very little about my life. I ran my own money and he has a well paid job and pays our mortgage and bills etc.
However, he seems to like to have sex with me still. This is something he does generally without my consent, (i say i don't want to but I'm perhaps I'm not forceful enough). This is in no way a love making exercise, it's just him fulfilling his 'need' and using me in order to do this (or at least that's how i feel). I dread going to bed as in not sure if he'll want to do it or not. There is no kissing or touching etc involved. I can't remember the last time we kissed and if we accidentally touch in day to day life it feels really awkward. I'm sure he thinks it's his way of showing me how much he does love me, but i don't feel like that. I struggle to talk to him about it as he flies off the handle very easily and says that on being really horrible to him saying such awful things.
I spoke to my mum a bit about this and she said to me that that's what marriage is like. All women have to put up with that, it's part of what is involved in being married. Why did she not tell me this a long time ago? I feel like i want to tell my daughter that is what will happen to her to allow her to make the decision whether she wants to get married or not. I know she's only 7 but i don't want her to go through this. What should i do? Put her off getting married this early or let her believe the fairytale until she's older?

OP posts:
msrisotto · 14/12/2015 17:27

Well what are your options? You can leave.

Destinysdaughter · 14/12/2015 17:28

I've contacted MN and asked them to move it for you. So sad you're in a bad marriage. My mum was married to an unpleasant man, I really wanted her to leave him but she never did. I've never married as I saw marriage as a living death. I'm sure people do have happy marriages but I didn't have a good role model and was scared of ending up like her. I agree about thinking about ending this marriage for the sake of you and your children. You sound so alone. Flowers

Girlfriend36 · 14/12/2015 17:30

You seriously need to leave your husband Shock

Can you ask him to leave? Get some legal advice? Contact Womans Refuge?

Original poster
Lilipops · 14/12/2015 17:31

Thank you!

OP posts:
Snoopadoop · 14/12/2015 17:33

Your mother trained you to accept an abusive marriage.
Don't pass that message along to your daughter.

Exactly this! OP you need to make steps to leave your husband, you and your daughter deserve so much more.

VulcanWoman · 14/12/2015 17:34

You can do it Lilipops, don't let this cycle continue on to your daughter.

ImperialBlether · 14/12/2015 17:35

Are you from a different culture, OP? What about your husband?

I wouldn't tell my daughter anything of the sort; I'd show her what a strong woman was like by leaving this man, undergoing the Freedom Programme and not getting involved with any man who doesn't treat you with respect.

ditavonteesed · 14/12/2015 17:38

I have asked mumsnet to move this thread for you. Your marriage is not what marriage should be like, mine certainly isn't, it sounds awful, do you have someone other than your mum you can talk to in real life to maybe help you to get perspective? I am sad for you that this is your life but what is happening to you is not normal and you don;t have to accept it.

NameChange30 · 14/12/2015 17:38

Your husband is abusive. He is raping you - that's sexual abuse - and it sounds like he is emotionally abuse too.

Please, please call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 (24 hour helpline).

You could also read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Is there anyone you could talk to who would be supportive, ie not your mother (who is completely wrong)? A close friend maybe?

Alicewasinwonderland · 14/12/2015 17:51

wow, it's very sad, but you do deserve better, life is not about this.

A marriage is a partnership, is about 2 friends who are in love with each other, who love to spend time together, who want to grow old together, who have the same goals, who laugh together. A marriage is when you look like shit, and your husband still finds you cute and cuddle you. A marriage is when the very first person you call for good or bad news is your husband.
A marriage is when you can row, argue, bicker because you are still a person, but you know that it's ok to have an opinion, you still respect each other and you are there for each other.

The best thing you could do for your daughter and yourself is to stop this horrible life, talk to someone and really realise you should leave this man. No one should dread going to bed at night!

Women can be independent here, you can manage on your own. It's a shock to start with, but it is worth it. It's not your fault, it's just the wrong man for you, that's all. You do deserve better.

Original poster
Lilipops · 14/12/2015 17:56

Thank you everyone. I am a bit of a loner and quite shy so would find it difficult to talk about this to anyone in person, hence why I have only really aspen to my mum about it (and only briefly to be fair). I am English (white) and 41 years old so perhaps should know know better but i dint know what goes on in other people's marriages so don't really know what is acceptable or not. That's why i thought i could post anonymously on here to see what people say. I have actually been overwhelmed by the response!

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 14/12/2015 17:56

Of course you don't tell your daughter that that is what marriage is like! Because it isn't. Why on earth would you want to tell your daughter that marriage = abuse?

Bonbonchance · 14/12/2015 18:02

This sounds like my parents marriage, when I was a bit older than your daughter (maybe early teens? Can't remember exactly) it was clear that they weren't in love with each other - same as you, separate lives & didn't like each other that much, there was some arguing/falling out but nothing huge. They stayed together in the mistaken belief I think that it would be better for me & my siblings, eventually when I was in my 20s they split up & divorced. My mum told me after that that several times through her marriage she'd woken up with my dad basically raping her, but that neither of them really saw it like that (although obviously she wasn't ok with that). I wish so much they'd split up earlier, it wasn't a pleasant environment a lot of the time even though I didn't know the full details (& I don't know how many times, how long it went on etc) and obviously neither of them were happy. I don't see my dad now at all, no wish to really.

Agree that the best thing for you & your family is to leave & I appreciate how hard that is.

Bonbonchance · 14/12/2015 18:03

Absolutely marriage isn't like what you've experienced & you don't need to put up with it. I don't think you need to tell your daughter though.

roundaboutthetown · 14/12/2015 18:13

Blimey, your dm set you a bad example of marriage! Don't repeat her mistakes! And don't tell your dd to expect that if she ever marries. Your marriage sounds totally dysfunctional. In a good marriage, your dh is your best friend and you are each other's greatest support.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 14/12/2015 18:15

My parent's marriage was exactly like yours bonbonchance.

On the plus side I have broken the cycle and have a wonderful marriage. It took a lot of counselling and hard work though. The best thing you can do for your daughter OP is set an example and get out of your marriage. She will already be picking up much more than you realise.

MaidOfStars · 14/12/2015 18:16

Lili
My marriage is occasionally: grumpy, sad, nit picky, quiet.
My marriage is mostly: fun, carefree, united, happy.
My marriage never includes: rows, shouting, coerced sex.

specialsubject · 14/12/2015 18:16

as everyone else says; take action to get out of this and to get a better life for you. And to stop this expectation being passed to your daughter.

I wish you the best.

MaidOfStars · 14/12/2015 18:17

Lili Is your Mum's view on marriage defined by your father? How does that make you feel?

VestalVirgin · 14/12/2015 18:20

Um ... tell her that your marriage is not a good one and she shouldn't try to copy it for herself.
Don't tell her about the rape just yet. Seven is a bit young to learn that her father is a rapist. (By which I mean, do not let her know that he uses you for sex - just not calling it rape would just further normalize it)

Get a divorce, or at least put yourself in a place where you can do this. I hope I understood correctly that you have your own money?

Good luck! Flowers

Girlwhowearsglasses · 14/12/2015 18:25

Op worry about yourself for the moment. A happier you is the healthiest thing for your children - hands down no-brainier fact

Your thread will be moved soon, and you will find that you get good advice here when it's really needed.

What everyone is saying is true. You are being coerced and it is abuse - even if he's not physically holding you down because you're 'letting' things happen.

Watch where you're logged in to mumsnet by the way- now is the time to change your password and be certain he can't see this so that you can talk freely and get advice

VestalVirgin · 14/12/2015 18:37

Watch where you're logged in to mumsnet by the way- now is the time to change your password and be certain he can't see this so that you can talk freely and get advice

Good point.

How good are you with computers, Lili? Do you know how to delete all traces of your internet activities? I use Firefox's anonymity option, which is really easy. (Probably not very safe, but I am in no danger, I just want privacy.)

RichTeaAreCrap · 14/12/2015 18:42

This is one of the saddest threads I have read on MN for a long time. Your husband is raping you OP. Your DD will not need telling, she will see for herself what your idea of marriage is.

Please get out of the situation you are in.

Palomb · 14/12/2015 18:42

What you're describing isn't what my marriage is like. Your husband is an abusive rapist. Not all men are.

DextersMistress · 14/12/2015 18:43

OP can I suggest you pop over to the relationships topic and read the sticky thread at the top.

I'm sorry you're going through this Flowers