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Original poster

should i tell my daughter the truth about marriage?

129 replies

Lilipops · 14/12/2015 17:10

I am new to this and wanted to find somewhere to ask a question anonymously.
I have been married nearly 11 years and have two children aged 7 & 9. My 7 year old is a girl and i am worried about the future for her.
My husband gives me the general impression that he doesn't like me very much. He's not abusive or even nasty and we never argue but he just doesn't talk to me or really have anything to do with me. We live practically separate lives and he knows very little about my life. I ran my own money and he has a well paid job and pays our mortgage and bills etc.
However, he seems to like to have sex with me still. This is something he does generally without my consent, (i say i don't want to but I'm perhaps I'm not forceful enough). This is in no way a love making exercise, it's just him fulfilling his 'need' and using me in order to do this (or at least that's how i feel). I dread going to bed as in not sure if he'll want to do it or not. There is no kissing or touching etc involved. I can't remember the last time we kissed and if we accidentally touch in day to day life it feels really awkward. I'm sure he thinks it's his way of showing me how much he does love me, but i don't feel like that. I struggle to talk to him about it as he flies off the handle very easily and says that on being really horrible to him saying such awful things.
I spoke to my mum a bit about this and she said to me that that's what marriage is like. All women have to put up with that, it's part of what is involved in being married. Why did she not tell me this a long time ago? I feel like i want to tell my daughter that is what will happen to her to allow her to make the decision whether she wants to get married or not. I know she's only 7 but i don't want her to go through this. What should i do? Put her off getting married this early or let her believe the fairytale until she's older?

OP posts:
LurcioAgain · 14/12/2015 18:44

Lili, hugs and Flowers

I'm guessing that this thread will have come as a shock to you - that we all unanimously agree that your husband is raping you - and it will take you a while to process this information and work out how to act on it.

My instinct, of course, is to scream "leave now!" But that may not be helpful to you right at the moment. Quite some time ago, there was a useful thread by women who had successfully escaped abusive relationships, with some dos and don'ts for those of us trying to offer support - and one theme which came up again and again was "Don't just shout Leave The Bastard" - leaving will take time, and planning, and money, and mental energy, and reserves of courage which will take time to gather together. Instead, these very brave women suggested asking "What would enable you to leave? How would you have to organise things so you could? What fears for the future would you have to overcome in order to leave?" Because by us asking you those questions, hopefully you can start to organise your own thoughts and work out how to make leaving possible.

So...

What would enable you to leave?

What would you have to organise to do so?

What fears for the future do you have if you do leave?

You mention in your OP that you earn money, so I'm presuming you have a job and some degree of financial independence.

Good luck with escaping this situation - you and your children will be much happier. You will be free. Your children will have a chance to grow up and not repeat the pattern of previous generations. (And, from personal experience, being a single parent is fine - I have a lovely DS, supportive friends, a job, hobbies, a full and happy life).

Owllady · 14/12/2015 18:48

:(
It isn't what normal relationships are like at all, doesn't matter whether you are married are not
Good advice on here, take it x

scarlets · 14/12/2015 18:57

Arrange an appointment with a solicitor OP, to discuss your legal position if you decide to file for divorce.

Your mum gave questionable advice, but it's good that you can confide in her and hopefully she'll support you if you break away from him.

When your daughter starts talking about boys, speak to her about respectful relationships and consensual behaviour.

Bubbletree4 · 14/12/2015 18:58

Your marriage and your mums views on marriage are not normal. I'm sorry for your situation.

Your mum is from an era where people didn't get divorced and just put up with all the bad stuff. We don't live like that anymore as its 2015 not 1915.

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/12/2015 19:04

You don't tell your daughter what marriage is like - you show her, by exposing her to your own marriage every single day.

If you think your model of marriage isn't good enough for your daughter, then you can be completely certain that it's not good enough for you, either.

Wishing you strength to leave the bastard. Flowers

VestalVirgin · 14/12/2015 19:08

When your daughter starts talking about boys, speak to her about respectful relationships and consensual behaviour.

Good advice in theory, but without experience with respectful relationships, that is not really doable.
Maybe we should collect some links on consent.

I actually think her own ideas are more realistic with regard to harm-reduction. Her daughter will be better off single than in a relationship that resembles this marriage.

As the question was:

What should i do? Put her off getting married this early or let her believe the fairytale until she's older?

Definitely discourage her from planning her future around marriage. Encourage her to get an education, get a job, and get a life wherein not getting married is an option.

MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 14/12/2015 19:10

Hi there Lilipops,
We're glad (and not a little proud) to see that the MNers are rallying round in support, as usual. We've had a few people flag to us that you wanted this moved to Relationships, so let us do that for you now.
All the very best to you and your children.

Viviennemary · 14/12/2015 19:10

I don't think you need to tell your daughter anything. But you should have a long hard think about whether it's the right thing for you and your family to stay in this marriage.

SpanglesGalloway · 14/12/2015 19:11

Some brilliant advice on here....Flowers

Arfarfanarf · 14/12/2015 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNoodlesIncident · 14/12/2015 19:20

Actually you need to show your other child (presumably a son) that marriage is not like this, either. You wouldn't want his model of how a husband/partner behaves to be this man.

Flowers
VestalVirgin · 14/12/2015 19:24

That is not what marriage is and I am so so sorry for you that you think it is.

Actually, this is what marriage meant for a very long time.

This is No True Scotsman fallacy many are using here. Some marriages are good. Some are abusive. Abusive marriages are still marriages.

It is not helpful to tell Lili that marriage is this great and wonderful thing when she clearly has to get out of hers, and may have to cope with never getting married again.

Not marrying is an option. Let's not forget that. A woman can choose not to marry, ever.

ditavonteesed · 14/12/2015 19:27

this is actually quite a light hearted and I am not making little of your situation but this is by far the best analogy for consent I have ever seen. Not appropriate for your daughter at her age but maybe something to consider talking about when shes older.

VestalVirgin · 14/12/2015 19:33

Ah, the famous tea explanation of consent! Of course!

rockstardinosaurpirateprincess.com/2015/03/02/consent-not-actually-that-complicated/

manandbeast · 14/12/2015 19:36

Don't tell your daughter anything.

Show your daughter what life can be like by leaving him.

Thanks
amarmai · 14/12/2015 20:05

op click on report at the top of your thread and fill in the boxes that will come up with your request to move your thread.

Original poster
Lilipops · 14/12/2015 21:21

I am not sure if I can put something on here that everyone can see, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their advice and support. I am shocked actually at what you have said, as I didn't think it was that bigger deal. I honestly thought that it was part of marriage. I know that makes me sound naive but I think I probably am in regards to relationships.
My mum is very old fashioned, she does believe that the women should do whatever is necessary to keep the man happy. But having said that, she is actually in a very happy marriage (as far as I know). My dad is very kind and caring and so she possibly doesn't completely understand my situation. Perhaps also I haven't told her all the details.
I do worry about my children growing up thinking that our marriage is normal as it clearly isn't, but to be honest I'm scared. I'm scared of being on my own and scared of failing. In my mothers eyes I will be a failure if I split up with my husband. I don't know what to do, I don't feel mentally capable of leaving him, but I do think in the long run I would be better off without him. I have to say, I'm not sure I would ever want to be with another man ever again. I'm now very confused!

OP posts:
msrisotto · 14/12/2015 21:25

You poor poor thing lili. Would you judge your child for leaving this situation? I'm horrified your mum would think ill of you, but please don't think that her very misguided opinion is worth living by. Of course you're scared, everyone is scared at first....but they get stronger when they realise how much better life is without their deadweight. You can do it. Please do. I hope you do.

Paintedhandprints · 14/12/2015 21:35

But you don't really get anything out of this marriage do you?
Scary prospect to go it alone but your children will probably be relieved. I spent a lot of my childhood waiting for my parents to split up and had planned to live with my dad when it happened. It didn't, but the constant shouting (by my mother to my browbeaten late df) was an awful atmosphere to grow up in.
Also it's not just your dd who needs to learn about respectful relationships, bit also your ds needs know about consent too.

itsmeohlord · 14/12/2015 21:41

Your mother is talking rubbish and you need to stop listening to her and taking so much notice of what she thinks. This is not the 1950s.

Seeyounearertime · 14/12/2015 21:48

You're on this earth for a limited time OP, do you want the rest of yours to be filled with misery and sexual abuse or do you want it to be filled with laughter and warmth?

This 'man' is not giving the latter but he's handing you the former in spades.

Good Luck OP, hope things improve. Flowers

CharlotteCollins · 14/12/2015 22:04

So the next question to answer is: is there something you can do to feel strong enough to go it alone? For me, it was going to a counsellor and having the validation of being listened to like my thoughts were worth something. This thread might help you in the same way, if you keep posting and protect your privacy.

Lightbulbon · 14/12/2015 22:11

Your mother was (and still is?) sexually abused.

You are being sexually abused.

And your dcs are suffering emotional abuse from living in an abusive household, not to mention with a rapist!

Your job is to protect your dcs. They are being damaged by your dh and your inaction. Your priority has to be removing them from this unsafe environment.

Go to the police station tomorrow morning. Then get yourself and the dcs into a refuge.

pocketsaviour · 14/12/2015 22:16

In my mothers eyes I will be a failure if I split up with my husband
But in your children's eyes, you'd be a hero.
Your mother is old enough to have made her own mind up years ago.
Your children don't have a choice. Right now, they are learning that marriage is shit between two people who don't really like each other and that men have the right to force their wives into sex.

vestandknickers · 14/12/2015 22:21

Please don't tell your DD this is what marriage is like. Marriage can be wonderful.
I have been married for 20 years and I am happier and stronger than I would be without my husband.
I would be thrilled if my daughter had a marriage like mine.

Please don't spoil it for your daughter. Get out of your bad marriage - that would be a better lesson for her. Life is about making choices and you should be helping her to make good choices.