should i tell my daughter the truth about marriage?

[Lilipops]

I am new to this and wanted to find somewhere to ask a question anonymously.
I have been married nearly 11 years and have two children aged 7 & 9. My 7 year old is a girl and i am worried about the future for her.
My husband gives me the general impression that he doesn't like me very much. He's not abusive or even nasty and we never argue but he just doesn't talk to me or really have anything to do with me. We live practically separate lives and he knows very little about my life. I ran my own money and he has a well paid job and pays our mortgage and bills etc.
However, he seems to like to have sex with me still. This is something he does generally without my consent, (i say i don't want to but I'm perhaps I'm not forceful enough). This is in no way a love making exercise, it's just him fulfilling his 'need' and using me in order to do this (or at least that's how i feel). I dread going to bed as in not sure if he'll want to do it or not. There is no kissing or touching etc involved. I can't remember the last time we kissed and if we accidentally touch in day to day life it feels really awkward. I'm sure he thinks it's his way of showing me how much he does love me, but i don't feel like that. I struggle to talk to him about it as he flies off the handle very easily and says that on being really horrible to him saying such awful things.
I spoke to my mum a bit about this and she said to me that that's what marriage is like. All women have to put up with that, it's part of what is involved in being married. Why did she not tell me this a long time ago? I feel like i want to tell my daughter that is what will happen to her to allow her to make the decision whether she wants to get married or not. I know she's only 7 but i don't want her to go through this. What should i do? Put her off getting married this early or let her believe the fairytale until she's older?

[pinkyredrose]

How are you doing today OP? I'm been thinking about this thread, hope it's given you a new perspective on your marriage and food for thought. This time of year is good for revaluating ones life, you deserve to be happy and hopefully you'll take the steps needed to get yourself to a happy place so that by tome next Xmas comes around you won't be feeling the way you do now.

[VestalVirgin]

I am rather surprised that you are English, I was sure you were from a different culture, btw.

People who speak the same language and belong to the same ethnic group can have vastly different cultures. I have had this sort of culture shock a couple of times.

With things that happen inside marriages, you often don't know because it doesn't come up in conversation.

The disagreements about whether or not it is a sign that a marriage is ruined if a couple has separate bedrooms, for example. I was shocked to hear from a friend that she hadn't thought it possible (or likely) to move in with a man and retain her own bedroom.

[IonaNE]

OP, how about you don't tell the "truth about marriage" to your daughter, since it is not the truth and your mum is wrong. (I am rather surprised that you are English, I was sure you were from a different culture, btw.) TBH this situation is not only worrying for your daughter but also your son: what does your husband tell/show him about what marriage is like? Your husband is raping you - you want to get away from him and take your children from the vicinity of someone whose ideas about what marriage is include rape.

[TesticleOfObjectivity]

Op I've noticed you seem to put yourself down a lot in your posts. You've blamed yourself for being naive, called yourself unattractive and stuff. I worry that your husband has made you have a low opinion of yourself. I've seen that happen before and it's sad to see. I hope you realise that you are worth something and none of this is your fault.

[Lightbulbon]

About 5 years ago I was talking to women in their late 20s who didn't realise they could say no to sexual acts in a long term relationship.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

I also think - as a guess- that I am closer to the age of the OP's mum, so it's not a scenario that women of my generation accept- maybe 100 years ago- but not now.

I disagree. Before our wedding day my mum gave us advice which was basically now we are getting married I have to submit to sex when DH wants. DH was absolutely horrified. But that attitude does still exist. My mum is 65.

[CoraPirbright]

Perhaps also I haven't told her all the details.

If you actually told your mother you were being raped on a regular basis, she might surprise you and say something quite different? You describe your dad as a nice man - can you ask for his help?

Marriage is not as you describe. What you are going through sounds like hell to me and it makes me so sad. Please, please get help.

[AgathaF]

Not a helpful post under the circumstances Polly. You should abide by MN guidelines and report the thread so that MN can decide how genuine a poster is, not attempt to sabotage much needed help for a poster in need and in distress. You should be ashamed of yourself.

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

I hope you have started to think about what your life could be like, safe and happy?

Do you know where your documents are? And those for your children?

Do you have access to money, independent from him? If not, could you open a secret account and start squirrelling away amounts that he won't notice?

Please get in touch with an agency that can help you, women's aid for example.

Wishing you strength and happiness.

[CheersMedea]

RE: the sex and the rape.

Given you've said he flies off the handle if you try to talk to him, it is worth writing him a letter? I think you'd want to word it carefully (all that psychology crap about making it about you not him: "I feel [xyz] when this happens") to avoid provoking him* but if you aren't ready to leave him and walk out right now, then at least it may help you end the sexual abuse and use of your body.

*NB: Before I get attacked for saying this, I'm not suggesting in any way that he doesn't fully deserve to be provoked for his abusive behaviour, I mean that it is probably in OPs own best interests to avoid that if possible.

Men in general don't find me attractive and so therefore I haven't had many boyfriends

I seriously doubt that "men in general" don't find you attractive. It's far more likely that if you feel like this about yourself you have projected that.

Think of it this way, a woman who feels attractive when a man says hello or smiles, will give a cheery smile back and radiate positivity. The man may then engage in conversation. A woman in the same position who assumes she is unattractive may turn away, just grunt a reply back with a sad face and reflect a barrier so the man may not engage further.

Sounds like your self esteem has been really broken down - and from the way you describe your marriage I'm not surprised. You need to start to work on rebuilding your self esteem.

[LumelaMme]

OP, he sounds truly vile: your marriage is not what marriage should be like.

Start to collect together important documents like birth certificates, passports, driver's licence etc and keep them - or copies of them - somewhere safe, out of the house. That way he'll have one less thing to use to cause you hassle.

[hellsbellsmelons]

This is no fine line here.
There is a big fat clear line and he oversteps it by a billion miles all the time.

As others have said please call Womens Aid.
Rape Crisis can also help you come to terms with what you have been going through for so long.

No-one on here (well one person) is going to advise you to stay with an abuser and a rapist and your mother should NOT be excusing it either.

You may want to consider counselling for yourself.
Could you talk to your GP about all of this? They can refer you for therapy.

The scales are now falling from your eyes.
This could be a dangerous time for you so please be careful.
If he has ever been violent then please call 101 when you are close to leaving and speak to the DV team and let them know the situation.
They can put you on priority call and be there fast should anything happen to stop you leaving.

I sincerely hope you get a plan in place to leave and to do it very soon.
It will be hard. And you might not be successful the first few times.
People in abusive relationships take a few attempts to get out.
Keep posting here for support. Everyone wants to help you get out of this awful situation. Not just for you but for your DC as well.
You know that you and them deserve so much better than this awful life.

[VulcanWoman]

I agree with Charlotte

[CharlotteCollins]

X-post. The not crying is a defence mechanism. You have probably repressed your emotions to survive, by telling yourself what's happening is not so bad so that you can get through it.

Watch out for delayed rage, now that you are beginning to wake up to this. If your feelings have been pushed down for a while, they can be quite a shock when they start to surface.

[Ughnotagain]

You're not weak and nobody on here will laugh at you.

I hope you can reach out and seek support in moving on from this relationship. You deserve so much better

[CharlotteCollins]

You are right that he will never accept that he has done anything wrong. That is a good insight. Use it to save you time: there is no point trying to show him the error of his ways.

More important, though, is what you think.

[Lilipops]

It's one of those things where there is a fine line perhaps. I don't have much experience of relationships. Men in general don't find me attractive and so therefore I haven't had many boyfriends. I am not sure if I have ever really been in love, I know I must have thought I was in love when I got married, but I am questioning it now.
I guess I just thought that if you're supposed to be in love with someone, you go along with what they want to please them. I have been through the stage of crying a lot afterwards, but now I don't cry at all. It's weird. I just can't understand how someone (who is supposed to love you) can treat someone like that. I think perhaps if he was loving towards me, or even caring or interested in me then perhaps I might be happier to go along with what he wants. I don't know!

[Finallyonboard]

My marriage is nothing like you describe. We're happy, we have fun, enjoy our family time, support each other, discuss our lives, enjoy our children, share our money and have great sex. Don't put your daughter off marriage because you (and perhaps your mum) are unhappy.

My parents had an awful marriage, it was because my father is an awful person. Most people aren't!

[timelytess]

You and your children need to be away from him.

[snowflake02]

I'm so sorry to read what you are going through.

After much help and hand holding from the wonderful people on here, I left my husband after he raped me. It hasn't been easy, but it's definitely the best thing I ever did. And you can do it too, when you are ready.

Dig deep, you are much stronger than you think.

[ssd]

yes, when hes away in the car make a plan to leave then

[pinkyredrose]

This is the ideal time to leave! Grab all your documents and get out before he gets back!

[Goingtobeawesome]

Really sorry but I hope he crashes the fucking car when he is driving like a lunatic. Doing that is another Way to control you btw.

[Hissy]

I echo all said on here and wanted you to know that we all know how safari all this is, but we are here. Whatever you need, whenever you need an ear, we are here.

I hate the idea of him going out like that, wtf does he do while out to relieve himself? Escort? prostitute? Worse? In sure I'm reading more into this than there is, but it's creeped me out completely!