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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think DD has just destroyed relationship with DH her dad. Final straw.

570 replies

Facefacts · 07/12/2015 00:12

After a long rocky period with DD 17, I thought things were getting better. Again, tonight, DD determined to get her own way. Wanted boyfriend to come over we said no as I had to be away all day and overnight, husband had to leave later as working away. So after I left mid afternoon she has massive argument with poor DH who is already having counselling (partly from previous rocky period as well as other things). She is so unsympathetic and uncaring and verbally very attacking. DH in pieces, DD just continued attack. And flounced off to boyfriends saying would be back for 11. Just arriving back now. Refused lift back and DH couldn't face scene if just went to fetch her. He now has two hour drive and has to be up early. He's broken and I'm fuming with her. She has a brilliant social life. Saw boyfriend 2 or 3 times in week. Nightclub Friday and friend stayed over Saturday. Don't know how this is going to go but we have been on edge of throwing her out before for stunts like this. Is this what we have to do to save DH from total breakdown. When she decides she is doing something there is no compromise, no care of the impact on others. It seems the more understanding and caring we are the more she takes. Someone please give me a plan to change this before she throws away a lovely home and family.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 07/12/2015 20:18

A typical teen wouldn't have told you about the boyfriend coming over, and let him stay without you knowing. For some reason she waned confrontation.

ShebaShimmyShake · 07/12/2015 20:26

So when the pressures of life affect the husband, he is mentally ill and delicate and everyone needs to put him first and do everything he says, even if it's something as ridiculous as sit in an empty house all night rather than see some pals or a boyfriend. When they affect his 17 year old daughter, she's a holy terror who causes sickness and probably ought to be slung out of the house.

Got it.

flippinada · 07/12/2015 20:26

Having read through this and previous threads it does sound like everyone is expected to tiptoe round OP's DH and is held responsible for managing his moods and behaviours. That's not a a great environment for anyone - apart from the DH who very conveniently gets pandered to because he's ever so sensitive and fragile.

I am very sympathetic to anyone struggle with MHI; I have my own MHI as do a lot of people. But I really do struggle to believe that a child could cause one of their parents to develop PTSD.

throwingpebbles · 07/12/2015 20:29

Teenagers are silly and volatile. But sometimes they are right too and have terrible ways of showing it
Same applies to parents

God knows the number of times I acted atrociously towards my parents or my parents were unfair towards me.
I am just glad they were mature enough to move on from each incident and consequently I am very close to them still

mulranna · 07/12/2015 20:30

If it was possible for your DD's behaviour to cause or contribute to PTSD == then it would have impacted each and every one of you in the family and it has not done so.....the reality must be therefore, that your DH has an intrinsic MH disorder that is nothing to do with his DD but is triggered by any conflict situation.

You can be open with her that any emotional/volatile outbursts will disproportionately affect her DH state of mind.

CoteDAzur · 07/12/2015 20:30

Good luck, OP Flowers

I'm flabbergasted at this thread Shock but this one takes the Biscuit:

"I have spent the afternoon shuddering at the thought of suddenly being grounded, for no reason, in an empty house, at age 17. And having to explain all this to a new boyfriend without making it seem like my family were freaks."

Oh yes, who wouldn't shudder all afternoon (no less) at the heartbreaking thought of a teenager who is finally expected to spend not one but (gasp!) two calm nights at home after clubbing on Friday night and having a friend over on Saturday night? Can her fate tonight be as horrible as... oh I can't even say it.... studying for once? Oh such cruel parents who don't recognise a teenager's God-given right to have fun!

flippinada · 07/12/2015 20:31

And children are absolutely not responsible for their parent's mental health. That's a terrible thing to put on someone.

ShebaShimmyShake · 07/12/2015 20:33

Teenagers have a right to be silly and volatile. Their parents, less so.

Waltermittythesequel · 07/12/2015 20:35

Cote throughout your hilarity you seem to be ignoring the fact that OP is blaming her teenage dd on a grown man's mental health issues.

ShebaShimmyShake · 07/12/2015 20:38

Cote's not hilarious at all, at some earlier point s/he said it was better to have your daughter homeless and working as a prostitute on the streets than put up with any lip from her at home. What are you supposed to say to someone who believes that?

Headofthehive55 · 07/12/2015 20:40

How old would the ops DD be cote before you felt it would be inappropriate to ground her?

CoteDAzur · 07/12/2015 20:41

I didn't say that, Sheba. Do we have an English comprehension problem here, or are you deliberately misrepresenting my post?

CoteDAzur · 07/12/2015 20:43

"ignoring the fact that OP is blaming her teenage dd on a grown man's mental health issues."

That is not what OP said, either.

She said that her DH's PTSD was NOT caused by her DD but that DD's behaviour was impacting his mental health.

LizKeen · 07/12/2015 20:45

She either treats you with respect acts like a member of your family or fucks off and sees how she likes living rough on the streets and turning tricks to feed herself.

That is what you wrote Cote. There really is no spinning it I'm afraid.

blytheandsebastian · 07/12/2015 20:47

You are determined not to behave like an adult, aren't you.

You say your priority is to help your DD. Right. Go to a counsellor with her and state that. Listen honestly to what comes out of that. Put her first. You only have a few chances left with her in all probability.

There is nothing my children could do - but nothing that would cause me to have your attitude towards them. Yes, I might feel deeply hurt or traumatised. But I would still know it was meant to be all about them - I signed up for it, they didn't. I've been around a long time, they haven't. They'll still be living with the consequences of what I do in thirty years - I have less of my life to be affected by it. They'll be bringing up their own children and will need memories of how to do it right. Any marriage that can only survive by focusing endlessly on the adults at the expense of the children isn't a marriage that I'd want to be in.

If only you were half as interested in accessing appropriate help for your DD as you are for your DH.

Your DH sounds bitter and like he's looking for someone to blame. These are his problems. How he has reacted emotionally to the events in your family are perhaps not his fault but they are certainly not your children's fault. You have on other threads admitted that your DD suffered as a result of undiagnosed medical issues with her brother. Yet there are no ongoing allowances made for what must have been a very traumatic time for her, only everlasting blame that she is responsible for fucking up her father. Who can't go to the doctor because apparently he would never forgive you all for driving him to it, so she is grounded instead because that will give him satisfaction. You couldn't make it up!

Yes, I'm judging alright. Like many posters here, I'm appalled that there are parents like this in the world. Your DD's welfare clearly comes a very distant second to patching up a marriage with a bitter man who doesn't want to be appeased or take responsibility for himself, and who is, if anything, more troubled when he is out of the family home anyway. So she's not even the issue.

Go ahead, knock yourself out. You all seem to be on a mission to screw each other up. I just hope your DD makes it out in time.

CoteDAzur · 07/12/2015 20:47

"How old would the ops DD be cote before you felt it would be inappropriate to ground her?"

She was not grounded.

She was out clubbing on Friday night. She had a friend over Saturday night until Sunday afternoon, when she kicked off about wanting to have "boyfriend" (of one week) staying over.

It is not "grounding" nor is it unreasonable for parents to expect a teenager to have a calm night at home after what sounds like a busy and very social weekend for her, before school on Monday.

ShebaShimmyShake · 07/12/2015 20:50

Cote, page 5:

"OP - You need to make her understand that this is your house and you get to decide who stays and who goes. She either treats you with respect acts like a member of your family or fucks off and sees how she likes living rough on the streets and turning tricks to feed herself."

That's nice, isn't it?

There was a little attempt at back pedalling on page 7:

"If she is an adult and a young woman as some people on this thread seem to think, even expecting her to bring some man home to shag on her parents' bed when they are gone (no less), she can handle an honest talk about what life out on the streets is like if she forces her parents hands and gets kicked out."

So yes, Cote, it looks to me as though you do think it's better for a teenager to be on the streets selling sex to strange men than being stroppy at home.

I have taken into account your attempt to justify it by making the 17 year old fully responsible for her parents' actions (again), in this case by 'forcing their hands' so they have no agency at all in a situation where they chuck their kid out and force her to streetwalk for money. Apparently this makes the sentiment better....?

FFS, why am I even bothering.

blytheandsebastian · 07/12/2015 20:51

OP, did say the DD was partly responsible for the PTSD, cote. Do you honestly think this woman is thinking rightly about all this?

Italiangreyhound · 07/12/2015 20:51

LizKeen re I am not saying anything as fact. and I am not judging you OP. I am afraid if this is not your intention this is not how it is coming accross, quite the opposite in fact.

blytheandsebastian some very mean comments about the thread getting under your skin. Yo know the answer don't read it!

OP it is not your fault at all if the thread got derailed!

Italiangreyhound · 07/12/2015 20:51

I agree with ImperialBlether The OP is looking for support. I also think it is victim blaming.

I think there are lots of unpleasant comments to the OP, it is clear this is not a one off incident, it is a compound of lots of things over time.

The child in these posts is not walking on eggs shells, that is laughable!

Italiangreyhound · 07/12/2015 20:52

I agree with PhilPhilConnors I think maybe AS or PDS or ODD. WE looked at all of them for our dd but she does not fit any exactly, just traits of AS and very dyslexic, struggling at school and takes it out at home.

ShebaShimmyShake · 07/12/2015 20:54

OP, page 5:

"As for my DH he is miles away from being controlling and is getting help, for PTSD partly caused or certainly made worse by her behaviour in past."

Page 7:

"And we haven't told her she is responsible for her dads mental condition (even though she partly is)."

OP explicitly blames her daughter for at least partly causing PTSD in the father.

LizKeen · 07/12/2015 20:55

FFS, why am I even bothering.

Wondering the same myself.

Italian when I wrote that I wasn't judging I actually wasn't. But I am now and I am happy to admit it.

As for posting things as fact, I do not know the OP, I am not a qualified Psychiatrist and this is an online forum. I think it is pretty self explanatory that anyone who posts here is posting their opinion.

CoteDAzur · 07/12/2015 20:59

Yes, Liz, and that is exactly the conversation I would have with DC if they were ever to disrespect DH and I to the point where they scream at us, prevent us from leaving the room, and break stuff around the house in a frenzy, including a door.

And yet Sheba was wrong because I did NOT say that it's "better to have your daughter homeless and working as a prostitute on the streets than put up with any lip from her at home". Obviously it is not better for anybody. And obviously it will never come to that. But a threat of homelessness seems necessary at this point because OP's DD needs a shock to stop her outrageous behaviour and realise that her parents are not slaves put on Earth to feed, clothe, finance, and otherwise serve her while she bullies them into enabling her to do whatever the hell she wants.

blytheandsebastian · 07/12/2015 21:00

And Cote, what's relevant here is why this girl isn't allowed to leave the house. Not because it would be better for her (I agree that would be a fine reason, though personally I wouldn't be asking her to do it alone - wouldn't ask a 17 year old to stay home alone regularly at all). She has to stay in because it would, in some explicable way, help her father. Who she has an everlasting debt to because she did something dreadful when she was younger, and she's never going to be acceptable now unless she's Perfect (really, read the other thread, she has to be very, very grateful all the time and Put Him First or he will leave).

How can you think this is a healthy situation for a young woman to be in? Surely she needs parents who can act like parents kindly and reasonably, not because they're driven by their own demons?

I don't know why I'm taking this trouble with someone who would actually sit down with a 17 year old girl and tell her 'frankly' what it's going to be like for her when she's been thrown out and has to sell her body on the streets. Don't know when a poster has disgusted me so much.

I'm out.