DH doesn't know if he still wants to be with me.

[intheairthatnightfernando]

In shock. Married 15 years, two kids 7 and 4. Shared friends. Always been very solid but have ups and downs, good phases and bad. So bicker. But always had each other's backs. Never doubted this was forever.

He has been off with me this last month. Snappy, irritated. Short with th children. Just not very nice. I have pulled him on it many times but he remains grumpy and disinterested.

Tonight I flipped and asked just what was going on. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, he isn't happy. He says no-one else and I believe him. He can't explain why, he says he doesn't like who he is now, so intolerant and grumpy.

I don't know what to do. We have young children and I assumed everyone was a bit out of love at this stage. I have never ever envisaged parting. He says he doesn't know what he wants and is very sad about it. I can't bear to think our family could dissolve. But do not want to this lying down. Am sleeping in with our dd tonight, could not go to our bedroom after this. He is now looking bereft saying he does love me but is unhappy.

I don't actually think it is him making the decision. There is a 3rd party that holds op's life in her hands, in my opinion.

OP, you really need to take control.

Op how are you doing today? Have you managed to eat or sleep a bit more?

I think the op sounds v switched on- and she did say that if he wants to recommit then plan a is they will put this behind then simply for Xmas and then reassess. I don't think any of this will be swept under the carpet.

Hope your ok op.

I am ok. Thank you!

I have given myself time to plan. Have said no further talk just now, leave me be and let me process things. He is very grateful (not that I want him to be, it's to suit me, it is in fact to save myself from having a proper breakdown). I'm going to take it at a pace I can deal with.

I have started an Independence Folder! Going to put all my plans in it re finances, childcare arrangements, changes to lifestyle etc that will make me feel in control when he goes and not paralysed, which is how I felt Monday/Tuesday.

I am doing the best I can. I can't move faster than this. Christmas needs to come and go and when it's gone I will act. We will have The Talk. I am feeling increasingly I cannot forgive this - I cannot put my happiness in this man's hands again. But I swing from these thoughts to, I must rescue our family for our children (I know, I know, the mess is not mine to rescue.)

I now think he absolutely must have done something with someone. I'm just going to gather myself together, make plans and feel ready. Then whatever happens I will not be shocked and flattened.

That's the best I can do.

Well done, it's sounds like you are doing really well.

Have you postponed his day of judgement then?

His gratitude would make me hate him I think. But it's useful for you and you seem to be making good use of them time.

Are you planning to live in this limbo until after Christmas?

I am planning that at the moment. With him absolutely not the focus, all energies on my lonely children and being able to give them a lovely Christmas without a breakdown.

I will use the time wisely to prepare myself.

However I vary from this reasoned plan to less calm imaginings so I truly can't say at present. I don't know if I'll crack. But I feel I have my decision making back.

I have been following your story with chills going down my spine. The actions and words of your 'd'h are almost exactly the same as those I heard from my STBXH in the weeks and months before I discovered his affair. I am so sorry.

Like a fool I tried to make things work and mend our marriage but I also had a back up plan. I'm now immensely grateful I did everything I did at the time, so that facing life as a single mum is not half as daunting as it was when I first discovered what had been happening.

Please don't let him get away with half truths and excuses. Finding my anger and my backbone has done wonders for my self respect.

Best of luck xx

"I have started an Independence Folder! Going to put all my plans in it re finances, childcare arrangements, changes to lifestyle etc that will make me feel in control when he goes and not paralysed, which is how I felt Monday/Tuesday."

Well done for starting the folder - I think that's a great step.

I still think you should ask him to move out (at least temporarily) because I wouldn't want to LOOK at him let alone be in the same room. I would want to cry my eyes out without him seeing or knowing. I couldn't bear the idea of faking a happy family over Christmas. But maybe it's easier for you to hold it all in for the time being, while you make plans?

I think whatever happens, if you find out about an affair, if one or both of you decides to end it, if he leaves, you will be very upset. There's no avoiding it. Having a plan will help you to pick up the pieces, but there will be pieces.

Sorry

I too think you'd benefit from some space. His palpable relief does suggest someone else I think, and possibly an agreement to wait till New Year between them. I'd be inclined to limit his options. He could move out, and still participate in whatever part of Christmas celebrations you choose which gives you space, and him a taste of what he thinks he wants.

It is highly likely that your DC have already picked up on strain between you, and that is likely to be increased in the highly charged holiday atmosphere.

Plus, to be brutal, it may be best to get the first "new" Christmas out of the way this year, rather than having a year to wait, and dread. If all works out, then nothing lost.

Thanks all. At the moment I feel myself again. More energised, and that I will cope with whatever happens.

Feel pissed off that I'm going to have to go through a trauma and heartbreak when I am generally so upbeat and been enjoying this stage of life so much. Love my kids being this age. Over the past two yeas I've found new interests that I love. I have funny and lovely friends and a nice job. I don't have time to waste weeping and wailing over him. I feel so annoyed that this will have to be gone through. I know I'm taking a really flippant tone but it's a relief to feel just straightforward pissed off rather than towering rage or devastated upset.

Btw I just cracked a little but and said 'I know you've slept with someone and are scared to say'. He is a shit liar, he always has been, his top lip quivers if he tries it, teased him about it for years. He said no and it seemed believable. All evidence points to the contrary though, I continue to agree.

You need to hide your passports. In the UK you cannot get divorced without it . If he asks where his passport is & isn't going away then you'll know. Make sure he doesn't know where yours is. First advice I give anyone.

Good luck OP

As part of your "things to think about folder" and this might seem crazy but it might be worth actually thinking how you might react if the worst does happen - the reality is very different from what you think. Having people on standby who can help with the practical stuff and dc when you need to fall apart has been vital for me.

Also, even the worst bits don't last - you get through them. I have more time for myself and my own hobbies with stbxh having dd, and have rediscovered the joy of close friendships with those who have pulled me through.

"been enjoying this stage of life so much. Love my kids being this age….. I've found new interests that I love. I have funny and lovely friends and a nice job."

You have this now and you will still have this, no matter what happens. Because these are things you have done for for yourself, not things he's 'given' you, iyswim.

For now, live your own life for yourself. Try to make it as if he doesn't exist anymore. Plan the holidays for yourself and your children, without consulting or considering him. He's on the outside of the family circle now. Keep him there.

Absolutely! I will.

Glad to hear you have your strength and happiness, inthe! Much respect to you. And good idea about a folder. I wonder if, whatever he's been doing/feeling, your happiness and independence is something he has been comparing himself unfavourably to or jealous of? I've no doubt he is relieved that you have understandably backed off! That's totally fair enough. You can only cope with so much. At least you can think. Prepare yourself for wild swings of certainty/happiness for a while, particularly over this period which is so family-orientated. Whatever he is feeling or doing, we know from what he said that will probably be making his own little decision tree and weighing up pros and cons so it's very likely some days he will make enormous, unexpected effort (to 'test the family' as it were) and other times seem totally detached and depressed.

The more strength you can gather around you that's yours, the less soul-destroying or confusing these swings will be as you won't be totally dependent on his mood and attitude. the only thing about time passing is it makes it much less likely that someone who is deceiving will admit, because they have space and time to get their stories straight and ducks in a row, mentally rationalise, plus the more time that passes the WORSE they look for being deceitful, so just prepare yourself for that fact. Though it may not be relevant. Onwards and upwards! You sound very savvy and strong. He's lucky to have you!

Reading you describing how much you are enjoying this stage in life, friends, job, children, it made me think even more that he's on a self pity trip to refocus your energy on him and on his issues, as if he needs to get that energy from you. Or am I very off the mark?
Glad you didn't fall for it and it's massively backfiring on him.

OP, i was unwittingly made to become a single mum to 2 kids a few years ago. Mine were aged 6yrs, and 18mo. I had a nice job, fab friends, a great family, etc. I was so worried that it was all going to be horrible.

IT WAS FANTASTIC!! Harder work, definitely, but BLISSFUL. I'm remarried now to someone much nicer, but I honestly look back on my 6 years of single-motherhood as among the happiest years I've EVER had.

All you need is money. Make sure you have money coming in. Everything else sorts itself out.

And tell your parents. I dreaded telling mine - I felt like a failure, and a loser, and that they'd be ashamed of me. The reality was completely different - they were lovely, helpful, kind and wonderfully supportive.

Plus all your friends will love coming to your lovely man-free house. And you can do whatever you want with your kids. And you'll get home by Ulysses's when your H has weekends with them. I honestly can't recommend it enough! NOT kidding.

You will be ok.

You'll get time by yourself, that should say. Not Ulysses ?!?!

It sounds to me like you went off him/lost respect/lost trust 10 years ago, when he had his wobble. Maybe that's why you've thrown yourself into kids/work/friends/family so heartily. Really, you've been building a life for 3 of you, not 4.

How did you get from him saying he didn't want kids, to having two?

Oh and get the divorce done QUICKLY, while he still feels guilty enough yo be generous. As time goes by, men lose the guilt and stop feeling the need to be generous.

Get the maintenance/house split drawn up legally ASAP. I didn't, and it ended up costing me about £100k. Really.

You need to hide your passports. In the UK you cannot get divorced without it

What if he doesn't have a passport? Not everybody has a passport.

So maybe he isn't lying OP? Do you think maybe nothing has happened? Maybe he's not having an affair? It seems to us, strangers, so likely, but perhaps we are wrong.
I do hope so.

Stay strong op