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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn't know if he still wants to be with me.

382 replies

intheairthatnightfernando · 06/12/2015 22:45

In shock. Married 15 years, two kids 7 and 4. Shared friends. Always been very solid but have ups and downs, good phases and bad. So bicker. But always had each other's backs. Never doubted this was forever.

He has been off with me this last month. Snappy, irritated. Short with th children. Just not very nice. I have pulled him on it many times but he remains grumpy and disinterested.

Tonight I flipped and asked just what was going on. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, he isn't happy. He says no-one else and I believe him. He can't explain why, he says he doesn't like who he is now, so intolerant and grumpy.

I don't know what to do. We have young children and I assumed everyone was a bit out of love at this stage. I have never ever envisaged parting. He says he doesn't know what he wants and is very sad about it. I can't bear to think our family could dissolve. But do not want to this lying down. Am sleeping in with our dd tonight, could not go to our bedroom after this. He is now looking bereft saying he does love me but is unhappy.

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 08/12/2015 20:49

Exactly. Hasn't he thought it over enough, to date? Didn't he think as deeply as he could before even mentioning anything to you??

I'd tell him to leave. Don't dangle while HE decides whether or not to give YOU a chance because that's what it sounds like is happening now.

BloodontheTracks · 08/12/2015 21:13

Of course, it must be very hard, OP. What can you do after all? And how can one suddenly consider one's best friend and partner a stranger?
it does make a slight difference that he's had a former depressive period. A poster asked a while ago what happened a month ago (or when behaviour started to change) and I think that might be useful to think about, regarding mental health or whatever really.

But this time period thing is extremely damning. Because, as you can imagine, it's nonsensical for a person in a long term relationship to put such a short time period on solving or declaring something. It's only logical if there's other information being waited on. A depressed person (of whom I have been one) would normally struggle for quite a while before giving up on a source of stability (unless there's manic elements?) and that would have its moments beforehand, well before talking about leaving the relationship. And someone who is more recently anxious and beginning to think about leaving, would be more articulate about why, and open to weeks, potentially months of exploration and counselling. This tomorrow night thing speaks very badly of him and has very few believable explanations.

I would say to others above in the thread what's been said before though, that these things aren't easily divisible. Periods of depression and breakdown are often directly linked to infidelities and vice versa. I am not saying he isn't having a breakdown or similar. But I think he is not giving OP (who is the person we want to help) the truth which would help her decide what to do. And that's pure selfishness. Truly vulnerable people don't withhold. They haven't the strength.

OP you're clearly very smart and I admire your confidence, strength and wisdom.

The only advice I have is maybe at least start making plans that start with 'i' rather than 'he'.

BloodontheTracks · 08/12/2015 21:18

ps I a do not think for a moment you are blinded into keeping him. Believe it or not, I am not a LTBer. I actually think most people do and can stay in their marriages. I did, after an affair. What is not possible, is to do that when the truth of the problem is covered up by the frightened betraying partner and so is never resolved properly. that is the cause of more years of unhappiness on these boards than, in my opinion, almost anything else. That's why I come out so strong. I truly hope your marriage survives, if you want it, and better. Have you considered showing him this thread?

ThatsNiceDear · 08/12/2015 21:33

Well done OP, it sounds like you have a really sensible head on about a really difficult situation.

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 21:34

Why do people suggest showing the thread to the person discussed on it? Always seems a mad idea to me.

(Sorry Blood, this comment is not against you personally, as plenty of others do it too!)

AnyFucker · 08/12/2015 21:38

It seems a mistake to show the thread to someone you are seeking advice about. It forever cuts off a source of support.

Lweji · 08/12/2015 21:40

I'd just add not to let him assume that you'll automatically accept him (even with those conditions) if he says he wants to stay.
You should be able to have your own space to think about it. Your plan seems fine, but will it still be ok for you in two days, or four days?

BloodontheTracks · 08/12/2015 21:56

Sorry all, I wasn't definitely suggesting it, more asking if she'd considered it. I definitely don't want to cut off OP's source of support. Apologies, OP. It's more that I wonder what level of awareness the husband has about how clear and predictable his actions are and what stage of openness they are at. People I know who had affairs and considered leaving who later found mumsnet were totally stupefied by the exact description of their feelings and actions on thread after thread and it really broke years-long trances. Without him being pushed out of his pattern of withholding, it's hard to know how the OP can move forward. Sometimes people really believe they are the only ones to have felt and acted like this.

AnyFucker · 08/12/2015 21:57

Yeah, pitiful, ain't it ?

BloodontheTracks · 08/12/2015 22:00

What I'm saying is that OP's husband doesn't sound abusive, controlling or even stupid to me. He sounds frightened. And I don't want OP to suffer for his fear and self-protection. It's possible he still might be shamed into deeper, more honest conversation. I just don't know how.

BloodontheTracks · 08/12/2015 22:02

Yes it is pitiful. (I love how Anyfucker out-toughs me!)

AnyFucker · 08/12/2015 22:05

I just don't know how.

he has to want to. If he doesn't, he is checked out already and no amount of trying to figure out what is going on his head is worth jackshit

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 22:07

My DH isn't abusive or controlling. But if I started a thread about him, there's no way I'd show it to him. I might - ahem - "borrow" comments/arguments from the replies, if I find them useful, when I talk to DH. But that's it.

I think the whole point of MN threads is for the OP to get another perspective, to help her think things through and articulate herself. (Female pronouns, but I realise not all OPs are female!) There's no shortcut to that, especially not showing someone a thread about them.

RaspberryOverload · 08/12/2015 22:08

I wondered whether the fact that the DH will know tomorrow night whether he's staying or not is dependent on whether he thinks he has a future with someone else.... and is waiting for an answer.

AnyFucker · 08/12/2015 22:09

Indeed

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 22:10

Yep that's what I thought too Raspberry.

BloodontheTracks · 08/12/2015 22:15

Yeah. It's just so sad. That's the only reason I push. He's sat there lying, bullshitting, crying and all the time pushing OP into a place of concern and sympathy which he absolutely does not deserve. And then YEARS go past, we've seen it here time and time again. If he just talked now at least she would be empowered to know what she was dealing with. Better or worse. This is only a matter of days, of course intheair is going to lean towards normalcy.

BloodontheTracks · 08/12/2015 22:15

Yeah, naturally.

Flangeshrub · 09/12/2015 07:08

Hi OP, sorry this is happening to you.

I'm a year on from going through something very similar. I was 10 years and 3 kids married to a 'wonderful' responsible' 'ethical' 'kind' man who told me he didn't want to be with me and did some very dramatic crying, I had also never seen him cry like that. I was holding him while his body shook and stroking him and soothing him. I was so shocked.

I won't delay the punchline. He was and had been for months, fucking my daughters gymnastics teacher and was wracked with guilt. Now he wanted to be with her but wanted me to let him go out of PITY.

He is and remains a CUNT.

I hope you're DH is being honest about his feelings. Now I see the crying was a tactic. Be strong.

Good luck X

mix56 · 09/12/2015 07:32

Jeez......So couldn't he have thought it through before this purgatory ? Do you have to go through a crisis every 10 years or so ?

Either he loves & is committed to you/kids, or he isn't, life has its ups & downs, every half intelligent amoeba knows that marriage, kids, job, can be less than euphoric some/most/all of the time....

I thoughts are, he has OW/OM or is fantasising over someone, & is asking if his life is good enough ?........ But does this possible "other" want him/will it fizzle out/does he want to risk what he has for another person/will the kids still love him/will he struggle financially? I believe you are the last of his list of worries.

TooSassy · 09/12/2015 08:41

OP

How you feeling this morning? Did you sleep?
Let me just say that you'll get heaps of support whichever route you/ he decide to take.
This is your life and you have to do what feels right for you. It's very easy for us here to call it as we see it but much harder

I'm Shock at flange post. What is wrong with people??? I just don't understand this.

mix56 · 09/12/2015 09:03

I was just thinking about this in the car........
He is being so immature. You wouldn't come out with "I'm unhappy I don't know if I want to be with you anymore" to your kids then say you will decide in 24 hours.
Because it would cause hurt, it would be unkind, they are not to be inflicted with this behaviour. BUT, it's OK to do it to you.

hefzi · 09/12/2015 12:00

OP, I've just read your thread - I'm sorry you and your family are in this situation.

I know you said that your DH is going to give you his decision tonight: however, I strongly advise also making your decision too - my XH claimed to need to "decide" if we were going to stay together. We hadn't been together 20 years, as you have, but I felt very strongly that if he needed to "decide" what he wanted, after years together, then clearly he didn't want me, and I would make that decision for him.

It was hard, and it was awful - but it saved me a lot of time, because the end would ultimately have been the same: he didn't actually want me any more, and by forcing his hand, I started the "getting over" process weeks, months or years earlier than I would have. I won't lie - it's unutterably vile. But once someone is "making their decision", unfortunately, I think the writing is on the wall.

I really hope today goes OK for you - and I agree with PP who say he may well be depressed: I now suffer from recurring major depressive disorder, and when I am in a bad patch, I can say - and think - all sorts of horrendous things. Yes - there may be more to it: but equally, it sounds very similar also to a MH breakdown.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 09/12/2015 15:21

I'm trying to say this kindly. But why are you passively waiting for him to make a decision? This is your life he's playing with.

TeaFathers · 09/12/2015 15:30

you really need to find you anger OP.
fancy being vetted by your own husband! for shame. shame on him.