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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn't know if he still wants to be with me.

382 replies

intheairthatnightfernando · 06/12/2015 22:45

In shock. Married 15 years, two kids 7 and 4. Shared friends. Always been very solid but have ups and downs, good phases and bad. So bicker. But always had each other's backs. Never doubted this was forever.

He has been off with me this last month. Snappy, irritated. Short with th children. Just not very nice. I have pulled him on it many times but he remains grumpy and disinterested.

Tonight I flipped and asked just what was going on. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, he isn't happy. He says no-one else and I believe him. He can't explain why, he says he doesn't like who he is now, so intolerant and grumpy.

I don't know what to do. We have young children and I assumed everyone was a bit out of love at this stage. I have never ever envisaged parting. He says he doesn't know what he wants and is very sad about it. I can't bear to think our family could dissolve. But do not want to this lying down. Am sleeping in with our dd tonight, could not go to our bedroom after this. He is now looking bereft saying he does love me but is unhappy.

OP posts:
Original poster
intheairthatnightfernando · 10/12/2015 06:21

A good night's sleep! So grateful for it. Also grateful for you all posting, it's amazing having such a wide source of insights.

I'm not working today. Cannot wait to have time with my kids and time in the house. I feel as if I've had major surgery or something and suddenly feel better enough to enjoy pottering.

I have found Rocking Rolling Christmas on a cd as after my car moment it's become my cheer-up anthem - how hilariously unlikely is that! In normal times husband would be very mocking of appalling music taste but at the moment he is being ultra polite and careful.

OP posts:
Original poster
intheairthatnightfernando · 10/12/2015 06:33

I've also moved him out into top bunk upstairs above ds. I had been sleeping in with my dd but told him yesterday I needed my own space in the house (we dont have a big house) where I'd rather he kept out. I have such a nice plan for the bedroom if he does go.

But every time I feel fine, fine, whatever happens I'm fine, I think of the hurt and anguish of dc and want to KILL HIM. Selfish misguided and weak man. All words I would never have applied to him. At the moment he is a mess and I am so together that he has expressed incredulity.

My lovely wee kids have no idea. I broke down for such a short time - 48 hours - and thank god they were working days so it was concealable.

I have lots of nice thoughtful presents wrapped for 'd'h under the tree (I'm organised! Had done it all before this!) What should I do with them? Only yesterday packages arrived in the post which he said were for me from him! I asked what he planned to do with them now and he looked shocked and said 'of course I want to give you them'. Not sure how to proceed with that....

OP posts:
TooSassy · 10/12/2015 06:40

OP you rock!!!

Well done you! So uber proud.
Have a fab fab day with your DC's. And you'll figure out what to do with the pressies. Any chance you can take the more thoughtful (expensive) ones back?

How is he being with you? Any more sulking/ crying?

Ledkr · 10/12/2015 06:45

What a great attitude you have op.
It's the best way to be.

I totally agree with getting any settlements agreed quickly.
I got my house with mega equity in it which has set me up for life.
Had I waited Id have got nothing as we now has 4dc under five Confused

Ledkr · 10/12/2015 06:49

How about giving the gifts to a charity to distribute to the poor or homeless?
Salvation Army do gifts for poor families, I know because I go and get them for my clients who are so grateful I frequently cry on the way home.

Mydearchild · 10/12/2015 06:58

I've been following your posts and just wanted to add that you do sound amazing. You are acting with dignity which is brilliant to hear. Hope you have a relaxing day off X

toastyarmadillo · 10/12/2015 07:12

I came across this website, while looking for advice I could share with my dm, dd has had multiple affairs but she desperately wants things to work out.
Well worth a read, there is another on reconciliation if that's the path you choose.
beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
⛄stay strong you are doing great so far xx

Ledkr · 10/12/2015 07:29

toast what is the point of that?
Why should a person have to try so hard to behave in a certain way because they have been shit on from a great height?
If a marriage is worth saving and the partber is genuinely remorseful and wants to save the marrisge, then surely it is they who need to make all the effort!
The op is dil g really well without having to concentrate all her efforts into compromising her integrity.

Domino777 · 10/12/2015 08:20

Op. With the presents. Can you exchange as normal this year for the children's sake. Even if you do split, it's good to present yourselves as friends.

BathtimeFunkster · 10/12/2015 08:34

No, you need to make him realise everything has changed while he's imagining he can have all the bits of marriage he enjoys and not bother with the rest.

Get rid of those presents. Either send them back or give them to charity.

You're not "friends". Don't pretend to be.

Kids don't give a shit what presents their parents get.

Domino777 · 10/12/2015 08:39

The best and kindest to the kids divorces I have known, have involved continuity/calmness/caring.

mix56 · 10/12/2015 08:50

Did I miss it ? Did he not say he would tell you what he wanted last night ?
or you have said it can wait...

re presents... You are still the mother of his children, his wife for X years. someone he loves/d. he may be a cheating, or pathetic mid life crisis tosser, but it doesn't mean he hates you, or you have to hate him.
It sounds as though you aren't going to forgive him, so it will probably become acrimonious, but there are some rare separations that remain civil ! In view of you now sending him off to sleep in the bunks, you should doubley vigilant that he does"t start moving assets & preparing a "protection/separation fund"

So, in your YFS folder (young free & single) you need copies of all savings, pension plans, life insurance, stocks & bonds, house deeds & anything that is of value. as of today. birth certs, passports etc
Have a good day with your children !

mix56 · 10/12/2015 08:51

Also, change password on computer, phone & disactivate any cloud/fb/other

WhatsGoingOnEh · 10/12/2015 08:58

If you're already planning how you'll rearrange the bedroom after he leaves, I think you would be much happier on your own.

How old are the DC? Younger is easier with divorce, IME.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 10/12/2015 09:01

OP told him she didn't want to talk about things last night, not till after Christmas.

OP, did things ever get back to normal after the wobble 10 years ago? I feel this has been 10 years in the making. And that you've deliberately built a world that'll survive without him. Which is good! But maybe it's contributed to him feeling lonely. Maybe? Not sure. Marriage is SO HARD.

Zucker · 10/12/2015 12:00

He really thought this was going to send you into a spin trying to win him didn't he! How did the no children issue get resolved last time? I wonder if he had to be won round to the idea.

Good on you for not falling for it. Re the presents I would give a token but nothing personal.

Original poster
intheairthatnightfernando · 10/12/2015 12:48

Thanks again everyone.
What an interesting point about making myself self-sufficient. I don't know if I did that or he did that. We moved home, 500 miles, when our first child was born. We had very happy early years of dc1. We both wanted dc2. I had a terrible birth experience with dc2 and I felt hugely let down by him afterwards. He was not empathetic or supportive, he wanted me to get on with it and over it and I found it hard to bounce back from. That definitely drove a wedge between us.

Fast forward a bit and its true to say he finds family life with little children frustrating. He loves them but is impatient about chaotic mealtimes and pyjama dances etc. He usually chooses not to come on our trips to the beach, the park, the cafe etc, he says he'll use the time 'to get on with things' and invariably does not carry out the things he's planned (a big cycle maybe or guitar practice for his band) as he wastes the time mooning about without getting ON with things. So he doesn't make fulfilling use of his free time. He chooses not to come with us, but doesn't do enriching things for himself.

If we ever go on a night out or have a wine and chat night at home we always get on really well. Never short of chat and there are always plans to look forward to. But now I'm thinking about it, it's plans that I suggest and organise. He is not proactive with his own life. I am the polar opposite so maybe that's why he finds me annoying. I love planning and being busy, we are just opposite like that.

Maybe he does feel sidelined in our family, it is possible, but it's his own making. He loves the kids and is certainly hands-on. But doesn't choose to family activities so much - I do our wee trips out with friends usually. And me and the kids are a very strong 3. I hadn't really focussed on that before. But to be clear, I have not been excluding him or pushing him away. Maybe he felt that in some way??

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 10/12/2015 13:23

He doesn't want to go on family days out? So he started checking out of the family a long time ago, really. I wouldn't be impressed with that.

TendonQueen · 10/12/2015 16:26

I think he's sidelined himself, as you said. If there is no one else lurking in the shadows here, it looks like he has thought for ages that he can do something more significant with his time than family stuff Hmm, has then not actually done anything, and is now looking at the people you have surrounded yourself with, who seem happy and content, and has thought 'Fernando does that for them, so why isn't she doing it for me?' Then the sad eyes and the 'I'm not happy' disclosure. Without realising that he could have had those things, had he chosen to bring something to the party himself and not drift about being disillusioned.

TendonQueen · 10/12/2015 16:30

And I'm Hmm that he was dismissive of your PND yet expects his personal crises, which are now almost becoming regular life events, Very Seriously and throw all your efforts into resolving them.

mix56 · 10/12/2015 16:43

Hmmm, the guy has set himself up to be miserable.

Jan45 · 10/12/2015 17:02

He checks out of family trips, days out, charming, would rather play his guitar or do something far more interesting - nice.

You say you have each other's backs, I only see you having his I'm afraid.

Ledkr · 10/12/2015 17:16

He will not be missed I doubt.
My x was similar, the relief I felt at being able to enjoy my life with the chundren without fear of him being bored or not entertained, was immense.

AnyFucker · 10/12/2015 17:25

he doesn't sound much like a "hands on dad" to me Confused

AgathaF · 10/12/2015 20:58

Has he ever said why he doesn't get involved with family trips? Does he go on holidays with you? Has he ever apologised for the way he was after the birth of your 2nd DC? Makes me wonder how he would be if you developed a serious illness, or as you age.

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