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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH doesn't know if he still wants to be with me.

382 replies

intheairthatnightfernando · 06/12/2015 22:45

In shock. Married 15 years, two kids 7 and 4. Shared friends. Always been very solid but have ups and downs, good phases and bad. So bicker. But always had each other's backs. Never doubted this was forever.

He has been off with me this last month. Snappy, irritated. Short with th children. Just not very nice. I have pulled him on it many times but he remains grumpy and disinterested.

Tonight I flipped and asked just what was going on. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, he isn't happy. He says no-one else and I believe him. He can't explain why, he says he doesn't like who he is now, so intolerant and grumpy.

I don't know what to do. We have young children and I assumed everyone was a bit out of love at this stage. I have never ever envisaged parting. He says he doesn't know what he wants and is very sad about it. I can't bear to think our family could dissolve. But do not want to this lying down. Am sleeping in with our dd tonight, could not go to our bedroom after this. He is now looking bereft saying he does love me but is unhappy.

OP posts:

Silversea01 · 08/12/2015 08:20

Exactly what joseph says. My mistake, I put up with too much shit before saying enough.

mix56 · 08/12/2015 08:27

he does not know whether he will be with you or OW in the near future and does not want to commit to things he will not be able to see through and make things worse. The lack of pro-action is because he is paralysed by choice and fear.
this seems the most likely scenario to me.
I have witnessed several people go through this phase, where the OW is real or just even still a fantasy, but the actual decision is in the air, as not all set in stone.
the poor lost soul.......
I think your reaction to his self centredness is excellent. He kicked this thing off. he can go off & think about what he has started.
Keep singing

Bakeoffcake · 08/12/2015 09:04

The OP has said she thinks her H is heading for a breakdown and people are saying she should throw him out?

As someone who's suffers from depression I'm really angry and upset by at that. I've had episodes where I've acted totally irrationally and said some awful things and if it hadn't been for my DHs support at those times I think I wouldn't be here now.

If this was my DH I'd insist he visits the Dr, and I'd go in with him and get a professional opinion on this.

If he is depressed and he can get help, your marriage could be back on track quite quickly- if you want it to.

If he isn't depressed and you've wasted a couple of days waiting for a Drs appointment and it turns out he's a snivelling, cheating basted, it was only a couple of wasted days.

Joysmum · 08/12/2015 09:14

Bakeoffcake speaks good sense.

Helmetbymidnight · 08/12/2015 09:16

He is the one who sees the marriage as over. Yes, he should leave.

I'm upset by the idea that anyone who behaves in an uncharacteristic way is depressed.

DH gets depression, and yes it involves snappiness and grumpiness. However, it also involves a down-hill slide, lots of reassurance (to me) apologies and doing something about it.

Never has one of the side-effects been that he doesn't want to be with me.

If he said that, I'd take it that yes, he didn't want to be with me.

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 09:26

Totally agree with you Helmet. I've had depression and it certainly doesn't manifest itself ANYTHING like the way this idiot man is behaving.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 08/12/2015 09:27

He's not happy. He doesn't want to be in this relationship. He's had a bad day. He's really upset. Not much concern for you or the DC amongst all of that, is there, OP?

Regardless of the reasons for his behaviour, you'd be wise to have him take a good look at the consequences - living on his own without you or the DC and the home comforts you provide, maintaining two households, seeing the children strictly according to schedule. Previous posters have suggested that you get him to leave until you get a commitment to doing whatever it takes to repair the damage (not just a "Let's forget this ever happened") if you still want to salvage the relationship by then and I think it's good advice.

dontknowwhatcomesnext · 08/12/2015 09:43

Oh, OP. Again I'm so sorry, and again so much of this resonates, as other people have experienced too.

I held my husband while he sobbed his unhappiness to me. I was sure it was depression, I pressed him to see a therapist, I told him I would be there for him . . . He was "depressed" because he was guilty, he and OW 2 had momentarily called it off and he didn't know what he wanted. I was afraid he was having a breakdown, afraid he was going to jump in front of a Tube train. All complete bollocks.

Being charitable (sort of) I'm sure it's not nice for your husband, regardless of what he's been up to, but as others have said - and, boy, did my husband do this in spades and continued to do this until about a month ago - this is ALL ABOUT HIM. He is not giving a toss about you and the DCs. Guilt, shame, all of it, is ABOUT HIM AND HIS FEELINGS. He, very much like my husband, is not seeing you as a person independent of him with needs, stresses, etc. Your marriage may well be salvageable, but not until he actually sees you. Hold onto your anger, because not much else is going to be able to make him do that.

You are doing so well. But I know it's godawful. It will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. Big hugs for today.

Bakeoffcake · 08/12/2015 10:42

helmet the H hasn't said he doesn't want to be with her., he's said he isn't sure.
If he's depressed and heading for a breakdown he will be saying things he doesn't mean. Just because your Hs depression involves "snappiness and grumpiness" doesn't mean everyone suffering from depression presents the same.

Helmetbymidnight · 08/12/2015 10:55

Well obviously.

However, telling your long term partner that you don't know if you want to be with them anymore looks far more like they don't know if they want to be with you anymore rather than depression and a breakdown.

WavingNotDrowning · 08/12/2015 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProfGrammaticus · 08/12/2015 12:41

OP - if I could do this, you can now

My husband was depressed (diagnosed by psychiatrist). He went very suddenly and I think still feels very guilty. There was no other woman. The decisions he has made since he left I think are bad ones. They include buying a house in a different and more expensive area, where he has never lived before, when our kids are teenagers and need lifts there (at different times because they are busy kids). It would be much easier if they could walk.

It's all very difficult and classic mid life crisis stuff. Focus on yourself and your kids. Take it one day at a time and get as much sleep as you can. Keep talking to your friends. If men did more of this they would fuck things up less, I think.

Silversea01 · 08/12/2015 12:58

Like Waving's H, mine too thought I would love him all my life.

He told me his counsellor asked him how long he thought it would take Siversea to get over him leaving?

"never" my H told him "She'll never get over it, not for the rest of her life."

To say he's been surprised is something of an understatement.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 08/12/2015 13:07

If the husband is depressed, he can seek help and heal no matter where he's living. He may very well be depressed (I doubt it, though) but that doesn't give him the right to hurt OP or use her as a whipping boy.

He needs to leave.

WavingNotDrowning · 08/12/2015 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lookatmenow · 08/12/2015 13:37

I used the line "I'm not happy" once to an old BF but couldn't give him details of why - it was because i wanted to be with someone else and didn't want him "trying to fix" something that wasn't fixable.

I've also told my DH "i'm not happy" but i gave him examples of what was making me unhappy as i wanted US to "try and fix" them together.

I think if depression is a factor here, you would have seen a decline over a period of time (longer than a month) and it would blanket cover all of his life (friends/work/family/socialising) - i could be wrong though, i'm no expert on MH issues but am on the two paragraphs above.

Original poster

intheairthatnightfernando · 08/12/2015 20:02

Hi everyone, am doing better just now!
Didn't sleep AGAIN all night worrying about practicalities and arrived at work to sob in boss's office! But day got better after that (before work he said he knew he was being unfair and would think hard and tell me tomorrow night whether he was committing or leaving...no joke).

Work was busy which is ideal. After work went for tea to a very supportive friend's house with the kids. Big discussion and I am now mentally listing the positives of being on my own. There are some! I am feeling distinctly less keen on keeping him but am making no snap decisions until tomorrow night's discussion.

Plan: he says he's leaving - he leaves. I will try to insist he leaves house and let us get on with december.
Plan: he says he's staying - he has to commit to counselling (I registered with Relate today) and seeing a doctor for his mental health and we agree to try remaining together until the new year and reassess at end of holiday.

I feel flippant at moment with lack of sleep. Despair comes in waves but I don't feel it at the moment. Oh, and I told my sister. Big relief and she's being great.

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 08/12/2015 20:07

So your future (and your children's) hangs in the balance for 2 days waiting for him to make up his mind whether he can be arsed with you?

Where's option 3 - he says he wants to stay, but you decide that a man who pulls a stunt like this on a family with children is a faithless dickhead and you tell him to make himself scarce while you decide what you want?

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 20:32

Sounds like you're doing very well in the circumstances. Glad your friend and sister are being supportive. We don't need to tell you really, but keep up the good work not taking any crap from him!

BloodontheTracks · 08/12/2015 20:33

Glad about your sister and your support. I agree with bathtime. This weird assumption that this is all about his decision making is unhelpful and disempowering. Like he is assuming he is the protagonist and everyone else an adjunct in his life.

Let's flip the script. YOU have been told my a man who has let you down before when it comes to commitment and solidity that he doesn't think he wants to be with you anymore. What do YOU want in YOUR life? Do you want to be with someone who, as you say, has been unsure and unsupportive in the past, finds your proactive and sunny attitude annoying, has been an arse to you and your children for months and now is saying he isn't sure he even wants to be with you? What is the action YOU want to take as a result of this? Even if he comes back and says he wants to 'make it work' that doens't change any of the above. It is as if he is deigning to see what you do.

You already know I think there's central information you're not getting, but even leaving that aside, what do you want to actively do as a result of this information you already have?

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 20:35

By the way, have you done any secret digging for evidence of an affair yet? Or are you taking his word for it that he's not having one?

BloodontheTracks · 08/12/2015 20:38

Also, PLEASE< what is going to happen between now and tomorrow night that is going to clarify whether or not he wants to continue in his marriage or not? What possible 'new thought' could he have in his own head that would guide and decide that clearly for him? This isn't how people work.

BathtimeFunkster · 08/12/2015 20:46

This ^

A million times this.

After 15 years of marriage and two children, he's going to take two days to have a little think to himself as to whether your family is something he is interested in keeping together?

What a fucking insult.

To trivialise your lives together, your children's stability, your love for each other by taking 48 hours to decide whether it's worth anything.

I'd be nearly hoping this was some adolescent bullshit about a new girl catching his eye because the alternative is that he holds you, your children, your family, the life you've built together, incredibly cheap.

Original poster

intheairthatnightfernando · 08/12/2015 20:48

I am in agreement with all you say. I am not blinded into keeping him, truly am not. But neither do I want to give a knee jerk reaction to something that has happened so quickly. He has not been an arse throughout our marriage. He had a depressive phase ten years ago and while it was awful, it didn't lead me to expect this. Nothing led me to expect this. Everyone who knows him agrees this is massively out of character and shocking. I am doing the best I can and throwing someone out after 20 years together a fortnight before christmas with 2 wee kids is not straightforward, regardless of any advice being given.

I am doing my best to hold firm with calmness and no hysterics. I am doing this. I have absolutely no thought of just accepting things back as they were. None. I agree I am worth more than this and I definitely agree there is something I am not being told, and all likelihood is another woman, hard as that is to believe. But I don't know it yet, so we can't talk about it as fact. I can't dismiss my whole marriage until I know a bit more. No one is more impatient than me with this thinking nonsense. I agree what can he possibly not know.

OP posts:

inlectorecumbit · 08/12/2015 20:49

i would tell your H that it is no longer his decision to make. You have to decide if you want to stay with a man who could treat you so badly and that you are doubting if you want to continue in the relationship regardless of what he decides.

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