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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think she going to leave for her ex

439 replies

pirate13 · 03/12/2015 17:43

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

OP posts:
Youdontownme · 09/12/2015 09:36

I understand your concern for the children, but they are not your problem. She is using you, you are allowing her. It needs to stop, end of. Stop being her doormat, pack her stuff and change the locks.

SpaceCucumber · 09/12/2015 09:43

"I've just discovered, from a mutual friend, that she wanted to go see him this weekend but he refused, saying hes too busy til after christmas!"

Oh Hell no. She'd be gone today if I was in your position. There is no clearer way for her to show you she's only using you until she can get a better offer than this. Do what needs to be done, and do it now. The longer you leave it the more everyone (except her) will be hurt.

GeorgiaT2468 · 09/12/2015 10:15

Shocking!!

I wouldn't be able to help myself by now.. She would be gone!! Angry xx

BastardGoDarkly · 09/12/2015 10:15

Her saying she wants you to move is just stalling tactics, getting you to think about something else while she waits for ex to make up his mind.

Unfortunately for her, I don't think he wants her.

Why not text him and say the kids need to stay with him, because as of this weekend she's out on her arse?

FrankSpencer · 09/12/2015 10:33

OP- I know how draining it is to be in an unhappy dead relationship, I know and you have my sympathies. But I'm beginning to wonder. What really was your intention in starting this thread? Did you want good, sound advice that you can utilize in a realistic and practical manner to better this fiasco, or really was it to just have a good moan about this whole sorry affair, to offload and be told that yes, your situation is poor right now, but really you have no intention or inclination to do anything about it? If its the former, then listen to the advice given, put your foot down and start to get on with improving your life.

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 11:07

I've just sent this as she won't talk to me

"I don't know if you will read through this or not. I couldn't blame you if you didn't.
I just need to get some things off my chest.
I know you are unhappy. And I am truly sorry that I couldn't make you happy.
I accept that it is over between us. I think the best thing we can do for the kids is keep it as amicable as possible. Whatever happens they need to come first.
Would it not be possible for your mum and *** to lend you the money to get somewhere. Either here or there? I will support you as much as I can, but this needs to be sorted for everyone's sake.
I'm sorry it has come to this I really am but I think dragging it out is going to cause more harm than good."

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 11:16

i have also told her that she will either have to give notice or get someone else to look after the kids when she works.

OP posts:
Stormtreader · 09/12/2015 11:21

I don't know if you will read through this or not. I couldn't blame you if you didn't.
Why start it off on such a grovelling tone? If I got a message that started like that, I probably wouldnt read the rest of it.

She likes things as they are, why should she ask her mum for money when she can just stay at yours? She knows she can just keep you scared and scuttling around her, and things will continue exactly as they are until she actually wants to go, if ever.

RedMapleLeaf · 09/12/2015 11:54

Well done OP I think it was right to get the ball moving. I do think however that you need to be clearer. You need to give specifics such as when you expect her to leave by. Also, don't get involved with arrangements. She's an adult, she can ask you for help if she needs it.

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 12:36

i just wanted to get the discussion started and to tell her that i'm not sitting around waiting for her, it needs to be sorted. and that she is the one leaving.

OP posts:
shoeaddict83 · 09/12/2015 12:47

Well done on starting the ball rolling but i think you need to be more forecful. Reading that message she could easily say shes staying as you dont specify it is HER that needs to move out, you just ask politely IF she can get help to, but do not state that she HAS to as its your property and she needs to find other accommodation.
I also think you need to state that regardless of her current situation you are not waiting around for her to decide when to move, that now you have accepted its over she has a week to sort it and also that she will not be staying in your bed. I know its hard but clearly this woman takes the p**s out of you and already has ignored your previous requests to move out of the bedroom, so this softly softly approach wont work.

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 13:47

Oh I know the softly softly won't work. But, honestly, you've not met her! I will have to pick my time.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 09/12/2015 13:54

Why do you? What would happen if you picked the wrong time?

YellowTulips · 09/12/2015 14:16

Put a lock on the bedroom door. Move her stuff out.

Tell her she can stay until after Xmas for the kids but not in your bedroom.

If she doesn't like it she can move out and the kids can stay with you.

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 14:32

shes had me round the neck before, and pushed me off the bed, shes got a wicked temper on her sometimes

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 09/12/2015 14:46

You do sound scared of her. Is there anyone you could have with you while you tell her what's going to happen?

She's a classic abuser.

Lweji · 09/12/2015 14:48

Physically?
If she assaults you in that way, report her to the police. Then you can get a no contact order and effectively evict her.

Lweji · 09/12/2015 14:49

You can also report her for excessive shouting, emotional abuse in general and breaking things, for example. At least to get her out of the house. You really don't have to suffer abuse.

Stormtreader · 09/12/2015 14:52

Ok, with that update I'm totally changing the tone of my replies, youre in a domestic violence situation and I now understand why youre being so deferential in the way youre talking to her.

OP, I'd advise you start looking up the advice on how to break away from an abusive relationship, it sounds like the advice around making sure you have a friend with you for backup when dealing with her might be really important for you if its possible.

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 14:53

on 3 occasions yeah, only when shes been drinking.

shes even said to me she wishes i would hit her because 'then i'll know where i stand' i never have and i never would.

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/12/2015 14:56

It really doesn't matter whether she was drunk or not. Violence is violence. It is a good idea to have a trusted witness in case she manipulates the situation to accuse you.
I wonder if that's not her game.
What happened between her and her ex?

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 14:59

i know she punched him a couple of times, she did tell me that, other than that i don't really know.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 14:59

i'm so glad he blew her off though, that does make me feel a bit better!

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/12/2015 15:01

He would be an idiot to get back with her then. He's definitely fobbing her off.

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 15:13

i get the feeling he would like the kids closer but not her in the house

OP posts: