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Original poster

I think she going to leave for her ex

439 replies

pirate13 · 03/12/2015 17:43

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

OP posts:
shoeaddict83 · 09/12/2015 15:15

pirate i can understand your reluctance more now, but it still isn't right. Shes using this fact to her advantage and you can't put up with this situation. You need advice, you need someone with you when you tell her she needs to go for your own safety, and if possible you should report her for domestic abuse. i still stand by my original suggestion of putting a lock on your bedroom door, moving her stuff and therefore starting this process and showing her you will not be beaten down.

She cannot let you live in fear and be afraid to break off this toxic relationship because you are scared of what she'll do. Honestly i cant imagine this situation you are in but there are so many avenues of help start reaching out for help and it will be there. Please!

Smorgasboard · 09/12/2015 15:23

I think you should give notice on your tenancy asap, then use the time till moving out to sort out your DF's place so that its more live-able, or find another nearby place. She will have fair notice then, and will have to go. Meanwhile, lock her out of your bedroom.
She is in a fantasy land, realistically you are unlikely to manage to split before xmas, without it affecting her kids that you love so much.
That past time, when she did move out of the bedroom and want to leave, would likely have been another man, that she thought would have her as quickly as you did, but it did not come off on that occasion either as not many men would move in with a mother and 2 kids after a matter of weeks. Why she cannot see this is a mystery, I'd guess she is mixing up sex with love and commitment to her and her kids, while most women know sex does not guarantee anything.

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 17:25

Omg. She's really pissed off. Got in from work and she literally just scowled at me. Asked if the kids needed a bath and she said that she didn't think I'd want to do that anymore! I think I'll sleep on the sofa tonight!

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/12/2015 17:27

Don't sleep on the sofa. Go to bed earlier and lock the door.

She is the one who wants to leave. Or did.

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 17:40

I'd love to but don't have a lock on the door! Not yet! To be honest I'm kinda glad she's pissed. Means I must be getting through to her?

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 09/12/2015 17:56

She's trying to get you back in line. Seize the moment, ask her when she's leaving.

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 18:06

Shes at work now. It's a pretty tight change over. I won't miss that!

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 18:08

Talking of work. She's giving them a weeks notice tonight Smile

OP posts:
SpaceCucumber · 09/12/2015 18:10

Don't sleep on the sofa. Just make sure you take up ALL the space in the bed so there's no room for her. If she wakes you to move you over, tell her she's welcome to sleep on the sofa but not in your bed any more.

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 18:52

I like your style SpaceCucumber.
That's actually not a bad idea. I don't want to leave the bed.

OP posts:
SpaceCucumber · 09/12/2015 19:18

LOL I starfish the Hell out of my bed if my Husband annoys me!

Sadly it never keeps him out, he just climbs in on top of me until I move over, but our relationship is not in a bad way. I imagine if it was, it'd be enough to get him to go sleep elsewhere and I know if he did that when I went up I'd definitely go and sleep on the sofa!

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 19:35

Starfishing it is then! Thanks. I'll give it my best go!

OP posts:
Joysmum · 09/12/2015 20:04

Good for you. So pleased you're taking control Smile

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 20:05

Ok im gonna go to bed early. Put her nightdress or whatever it is outside the door. Feel like I should put some kinda note on it like "please sleep elsewhere" or something

I hope she'll get the point.

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/12/2015 20:51

:)
There's hope.

BastardGoDarkly · 09/12/2015 20:59

It's a start! Reclaim the bed :)

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/12/2015 21:18

And maybe pop a chair under the handle of the bedroom door, in lieu of the lock you're going to buy for it tomorrow?

Penguito · 09/12/2015 21:36

I'm glad you are taking control of the situation now!

Smorgasboard · 09/12/2015 22:29

Is your 'D'W giving a weeks notice necessarily a good thing? I hate to piss on your new found sense of control and brovado, but the fact seems that she is a mother with 2 kids who has a pie in the sky plan that is clearly not going to work. You are seeing it as a sign she will be off in a week and understandably want to whoop about the prospect. In all likelihood, she may have nowhere to go to (unless she's just found another man with a des res that is yet to be revealed). What of the kids? She will have less money for them without a job, less money to fund her exit -didn't you say money was tight? As her husband you will likely need to give her some ongoing financial support, especially when she gives up her job.
What of her kids, the youngest you claim is like your own to you? For their sake it is worth finding out what her plans in life are going to be, as wherever she goes, her children need support and looking after. This situation is ceasing to be just about the adults around them, who quite frankly are all acting stupidly in one way or another. Poor them, surrounded by dead losses as carers it seems.

Original poster
pirate13 · 10/12/2015 06:31

I think that's pretty unfair. Throughout this whole ordeal I have always put the kids first. I could have done what others said and waited till she left and changed the locks!
But I can't live like this anymore. I said she continue to work until Christmas.
And if it's her ex she wants he can support her can't he. And if he doesn't want her that's her look out. I've already said I won't kick them out into the cold but as she wants to leave she needs to sort it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 10/12/2015 08:03

i didn't work, she still came into bed.
i went about half eight, she came up around 9.15, put the main light on and was banging and crashing around, naked, getting changed
i tried to fill the bed and said about her sleeping in the other room but she just pushed me out of the way and got in!

OP posts:
shoeaddict83 · 10/12/2015 08:07

You need to buy a lock for the bedroom today then, clearly she is not getting the message and you need to be more blunt, You cant live like this its absolutely ridiculous what she is doing!
Shes told you she's leaving - when it suits her and when she can fins another man - but until then will continue to live with you as it its all fine and dandy?? take control, see a solicitor, give her a weeks notice on the house to move out and lock the bedroom with her stuff outside it. nice texts arent working so she clearly needs the sledgehammer approach to get through to her.

toastyarmadillo · 10/12/2015 08:23

Stop being nice, find some self respect!

toastyarmadillo · 10/12/2015 08:25
  1. Lock on bedroom door
  2. Set a date she must leave by
  3. See solicitor and start divorce proceedings
  4. Start thinking about moving on with your life

Dragging it out doesn't help the kids, start telling family and friends you are splitting up, stop doing anything for her, you are no longer together, she needs to pay half bills etc, stop supporting her in any way!

toastyarmadillo · 10/12/2015 08:27

Get her some boxes, tell her to pack and fuck off....

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