Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think she going to leave for her ex

439 replies

pirate13 · 03/12/2015 17:43

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 08/12/2015 22:35

Why did you think it at all relevant to state that you're male? Especially before repeating what the first 150-odd posts had already written? It read to many of us like, "I'm going to say what's already been said, but hey, I'm a man, so that makes it more valid".

Sansoora · 09/12/2015 00:39

Male poster doesn't read like a make poster to me.

Same way OP doesn't read like one either.

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 06:42

I told her last night that I want her to go before Christmas. She said she hasn't got anywhere to go. I know that the ex doesn't want her back, at least right now (I looked againShock)
So I asked her this morning what was the plan? Does she even have one? I honestly don't think she has. I said about moving out again and she said it might not be her moving out?

I really don't want to leave this house. I live next door to my dad, who has been ill for the last 12 months or so (I do his shopping, make his breakfast etc)
It was so rapist waken I thought they were moving away. At least I wouldn't be bumping into them all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 07:06

Rapist? Easier

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 07:06

Not awake yet

OP posts:
GeorgiaT2468 · 09/12/2015 07:15

Are you both on the tenancy agreement?? Xx

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 07:18

It's in my name.

OP posts:
Sansoora · 09/12/2015 07:24

So again she is being a bully safe in the knowledge you have your dad to look after.

Move out and lets see how long it takes for her to say you have the house, Im moving. Do you really think she wants to be left on her own next door to your dad?

And could you even move in with him for a while?

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 07:28

I think I might have to. The only prob is when he got ill we had to change the house around to make it easier for him and the ready is a real mess.

OP posts:
GeorgiaT2468 · 09/12/2015 07:42

It's in your name mate not joint? So rightfully it's your house not hers.. Tell her that!!

Your not allowed to just move out the landlord/lettings company will have to assess her and give her credit checks ect.. She would have to be taken on as a new tenant and if she can't afford it like you said previously then she won't be able to stay..

Been in this situation before with an ex.. It was in my name and the above is what I was advised by citizen advice and the lettings company xx

toastyarmadillo · 09/12/2015 07:56

If its in your name, it's your house, she should move out, end of story!

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 07:59

I'm definitely going to get some advice.

I told her we need to sort out the sleeping arrangements and she said she wasn't prepared to leave the bed. So I said that she should because it was her that wanted to leave but she said that wasn't going to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 08:09

Thats what i think, but shes been so odd about this whole thing, why the hell would she want to stay living next to my dad, and probably me?!

really annoying thing is that she told her ex that things were really uncomfortable at home and that he kids were suffering because of it, what a crock of shit, the kids are great, had loads of cuddles from them this morning, i hate lying, especially as she makes it out to seem that i am somehow harming the kids, i've done nothing wrong.

Starting to get pissed off with this now, one day shes going to live with the ex, now, as he doesn't seem so keen, she wants me out!

OP posts:
Rubberduck2 · 09/12/2015 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 09/12/2015 08:14

Check the legalities. It could be as simple as giving her a week's notice.

Youdontownme · 09/12/2015 08:24

Oh for goodness sake OP, grow some balls and boot her out. If the tenancy is in your name only, she has no rights to the property. Wait till she goes out, change the locks, and leave her stuff at the front door, and then get on with your life without this using waste of space.

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 08:32

if it was just her, then i could, but its the kids, i cant do it to them, especially not just before christmas

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/12/2015 08:34

The kids have a house to go to. Their dad's.

Amazemedontbeacunt · 09/12/2015 08:36

Change the locks. The kids can stay with their dad. For goodness sake PLEASE change the locks! That kid is going to grow up thinking this is how women are allowed to treat him. I know it's hard and I have every sympathy but the second you get her out of your life you will start feeling better and in a few more the you will be thinking "why the fuck didn't I do that sooner".

FrankSpencer · 09/12/2015 08:38

Can't the kids all stay with you in your house, she leaves and sorts accommodation and moves them in once done so?

FrankSpencer · 09/12/2015 08:39

Or stay with dad, yes certainly.

Lweji · 09/12/2015 08:39

When did she first say she was moving out? Consider that your advance warning. She should have found accommodation since then. Her problem if she didn't.

SpaceCucumber · 09/12/2015 09:12

The house is in your name, it's yours. She can't stay in it. She's bullying you. You've told her to leave and she's refusing, so have her removed forcibly.

You are using her kids as an excuse to put off doing what needs to be done. Her kids are not your problem.

You need to go and make use of a free 30 minute session with a solicitor sooner rather than later (see if you can get an appointment today/tomorrow) and find out where you stand on things.

Honestly, it's getting a bit ridiculous. Everyones told you what to do. You refuse to do it but keep whining about it not changing or getting worse. Nobody is going to turn around and say "oh wait, we were wrong, she sounds lovely (she doesn't), try and make it work with her".

She's using you.
She's bullying you.
She's cowed you into thinking you owe her and her kids something.
She's waiting for a better offer to come along before she ditches you.

And for the love of God don't move out of your bed. It's YOUR bed. She's the one ending the relationship, she can sleep on the bloody sofa.

Original poster
pirate13 · 09/12/2015 09:17

i dont want to move from the bed, but i don't want to sleep next to her either.

I've just discovered, from a mutual friend, that she wanted to go see him this weekend but he refused, saying hes too busy til after christmas!

OP posts:
shoeaddict83 · 09/12/2015 09:32

Spacecucumbers spot on. You are being used, yes its sad for the kids but they have a father - they wont be homeless. She isnt thinking about them in all this so why should you when they have 2 parents perfectly capable of looking after them.

Pack her stuff and tell her to go, its YOUR house she has no rights at all to stay there. Shes treating you like dirt and you are using excuses to let her. Can you need read this all back and see that? The minute she has a better offer she'll be off without thinking twice about you feelings so why on earth are you considering hers?

If you cant do that then the least you could do is make up the spare room or sofa,move all her stuff there and put a lock on YOUR bedroom door and dont give her a key, she cant access it then and has no choice but to sleep on the sofa. Then tell her she has a week to get out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread