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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think she going to leave for her ex

439 replies

pirate13 · 03/12/2015 17:43

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 08/12/2015 10:49

BastardGoDarkly i know but its like i've said she done this kind of thing before, that is what is making it harder to do anything.

OP posts:
shoeaddict83 · 08/12/2015 11:00

sorry but completely agree with bastard - i completely understand you love her and dont want to lose her or your family. I was in a similar position with an ex fiancee. Our relationship was toxic but i couldnt leave him despite his MANY other women, even getting someone pregnant behind my back i still forgave him and stayed with him despite everyone telling me what an idiot and pushover i was. Turned out just before our wedding he dumped me and ran off with one of these OW and married her a few months later. If i had listened earlier and not stood for his behaviour i would have saved my self years in a toxic relationship, and the heartache it brought as it was always inevitable he would leave anyway.
Its a case of When not IF im afraid - she will leave, you are just clinging onto the cliff edge and wringing the last few drops out of your marriage until she dis able to leave. Shes completely using you and you are facilitating this. I understand its hard- believe me, and i get yours involves children and mine didnt - but you do NOT deserve this. She is using you, messing with your head and heart and its not right. Whether its now, in a year or on 2 years, she will leave! Shes done this twice already and will you continue to let her because right now whats stopping her when you are still letting her in your home, your bed and your heart? Cut your losses and run im sorry to say. This is not and never can be a healthy relationship and she is playing a big game with you toying with your feelings and clearly knowing you are too nice to stand up to her so shes using that to her advantage. Please take it from someone who has been in a similar situation you need to protect yourself here and not facilitate her selfish reasons for staying 'for a while'.

Trills · 08/12/2015 11:06

She's done this kind of thing before - and you stayed together - and look, she's doing it again.

Is that what you want?

Do you want to be with her, knowing she will very likely do this again? And again? And again.

toastyarmadillo · 08/12/2015 11:17

I am sorry op, but I have an overwhelming urge to shake some sense into you right now, she has confirmed SHE IS DEFINATELY LEAVING YOU! What part of that have you failed to grasp? Your relationship is over, it's done, it's finished and frankly that sounds like the best thing all around.
I am sorry to be so blunt, but it's clear the softly softly, there there, approach isn't getting through to you.
Man up, pull yourself together and do the right thing for everyone involved and make her move out.
For god sake have some self respect, you deserve better and you will survive this and move on!

toastyarmadillo · 08/12/2015 11:19

And I am willing to put money on the minute you say you don't want her anymore, suddenly she will want you more than anything. Amazing effect of wanting what you can't have and she definitely seems that type.

ThatsNiceDear · 08/12/2015 11:44

This is just awful, she has no respect for you. She didn't answer when yo said you'd do anything to stay together because she's already told you she doesn't want that, she doesn't love you and is going to leave. She doesn't care if that makes things very hard for you for a few weeks, because it is more convenient for her. If it's your house, change the locks once the kids have gone to their dads and tell her in advance she is to leave on that date as well. Even if she did change her mind for a few more weeks, it doesn't fix anything - you're not in a proper relationship - there's no mutual love and respect, it's over, it's just a case of how long and how painfully you want to string out the ending. Flowers

YellowTulips · 08/12/2015 12:17

OP reading your posts is hugely frustrating.

You asked for advice. It was unanimous - kick her out and move on.

We can't help you if you refuse to help yourself.

She doesn't love you. She is using you for accommodation and childcare. She is being "nice" because she she gets those things whilst still treating you like dog dirt.

You think you love her - but you don't. You love the idea of a version of her loving you. This person does not exist.

Now please for the love of god, grow a pair and tell her to leave. At the very least kick her out of the martial bed to the sofa. Arrange a night out and let her deal with childcare - she might as well get used to you not picking up the slack.

Lweji · 08/12/2015 13:49

Well, you, OP did ask for advice, but you are obviously not obliged to do anything anyone tells you to.
It feels to me that you are trying to make sense of it all in your head, and it's very hard to switch from loving someone to sending them away.
Yes, it's what you should do, and I hope you do it soon for your sake, but it's your life. Deal with things at your own pace.

Original poster
pirate13 · 08/12/2015 13:55

Lweji. Thank you. I think you are right.
I did come here for advice and to be honest I was hoping for advice about how to win her round! But you have all been brilliant. I know what must be done. I've found a thing called the 180-being a beautiful mess. I'm going to try to do that for a bit. Until I can summon the balls to tell her to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 08/12/2015 13:56

beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

OP posts:
Dallasty · 08/12/2015 14:34

OP. Male poster here.......I have looked through this thread and it's a frustrating and painful read. You must deal with things at your own pace. She's quite clearly biding her time and palying with your head by being nice and vile in the same moment. You are waiting to see what she does in the hopes that she'll declare unending love for you. This won't happen, as she's not in love with you. Would you do the same to her??? No, of course not.

When she eventually leaves, you will at that point will be hurt and upset and then after that, the thought will come creeping into your head, that you should have had the decency to yourself to have chucked this ghastly bitch out sooner rather than later. I wish you the best.

RedMapleLeaf · 08/12/2015 15:11

OP. Male poster here

Hmm
Dallasty · 08/12/2015 15:16

RedMaple....is their a prob with my post....maybe I needn't have stated the male aspect?...but my comments are valid.

RedMapleLeaf · 08/12/2015 15:27

Why might I raise my eye at your announcement?

Dallasty · 08/12/2015 15:30

I rarely post on threads, and TBH, I don't really know why you might. My comment was quite innocent, and now i'm beginning to think maybe a bit naive...I retract the male aspect lol...'0)

Dallasty · 08/12/2015 15:33

lets not hijack this thread over a minor detail....

RedMapleLeaf · 08/12/2015 15:43

Sits quietly and knows her limits

Lweji · 08/12/2015 16:00

OP, you should be glad you got a male opinion here. Particularly because it was SO different from all the others from (supposedly) women. And certainly SO much more valuable.
I'm sure you'll dump her right now, just based on that post.

ThatsNiceDear · 08/12/2015 16:24

Sorry to derail the thread (some more), but you know someone was going to post it...

I think she going to leave for her ex
BastardGoDarkly · 08/12/2015 16:34

Oh god really?

Give the guy a break.

Lweji · 08/12/2015 16:58

He is being given a break. To stop and think a little. Wink

RedMapleLeaf · 08/12/2015 17:01

I agree, he's been very gently challenged considering.

Trills · 08/12/2015 17:40

Yep you were being naive.

Please do keep contributing to threads, but don't say anything that could be taken to mean my opinion is worth more than that of any random other poster.

OK? Thanks. :)

Original poster
pirate13 · 08/12/2015 18:52

i am eternally grateful for all opinions, male, female, whoever, i am very touched that anyone would spend the time reading through this thread, my thoughts if you will, and feel like they can offer advice on my situation. it is very much appreciated.

OP posts:
Dallasty · 08/12/2015 20:36

For the record, my statement regarding male poster certainly wasn't inferring that my opinion was in any way superior to any other poster on here. I'm not that arrogant.

Trills - Your assumption that it was meant that way, clearly makes you the far superior individual, and for that you get 5 stars. Good for you.

Yes I was maybe naive, but I was just lettting OP know that theres also guys out there that also care enough to offer support too. Nothing more sinister than that.

OP...like I said...all the best.