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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think she going to leave for her ex

439 replies

pirate13 · 03/12/2015 17:43

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

OP posts:
Lweji · 11/12/2015 07:39

Maybe you should find a husband, pirate. Wink

But the point of keeping asking her is not that she has done anything, but to cut the chatter and to avoid slipping into the normality she wants. Maybe even suggest that instead of chatting with you she should be looking for her own place.

Original poster
pirate13 · 11/12/2015 08:03

maybe i should, might be easier Smile

i just went to bed in the end, i annoys me how she can act like nothings happened when it feels like my world has been turned upside down.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 11/12/2015 08:31

Sometimes I just want to contact her best freind and ask her what the hell is going on.
Has she actually got any plans in place because it seems to me that she hasn't. Whatever happens is going to be a rubbish xmas.

OP posts:
Lweji · 11/12/2015 08:35

Start the ball and serve her with divorce papers. If she won't do anything, then you should.

Sansoora · 11/12/2015 08:45

Maybe you should find a husband, pirate.

I dont know what this means but its prompting me to ask Pirate if /she is female and is s/he in a same sex partnership?

Its been on my mind since I joined this thread and your comment has me puzzled.

Original poster
pirate13 · 11/12/2015 08:58

I'm male, I might come across a bit feminine sometimes though!

OP posts:
shoeaddict83 · 11/12/2015 09:03

i agree with lweji, your wife clearly isnt getting the message/wants to p**s you about/bury her head in the sand until another man comes along to offer her what she wants, so take the bull by the horns and serve her papers. She cant bury anything then. And i still stand by what i have repeatedly said about putting a lock on the bedroom door to send a clear message its YOUR home, YOUR bedroom and she can bugger off like she said or sleep on the sofa.

Joysmum · 11/12/2015 09:09

So when the chatter starts, you say something like 'that's all very nice but let's put our heads together to get separated as quickly and painlessly as possible'. Any time she plays games and tries to distract with inane banter, keep on the same lines, 'so what have you done today to work towards separation?'

In the meantime, instruct a solicitor. It'll take weeks for them to do the paperwork and you'll be ready to serve when your head is ready, rather than then instructing and it taking yonks of more misery on top of that

Lweji · 11/12/2015 09:15

Maybe you should find a husband, pirate.

Sorry, it was a joke on the spell caster troll (message now deleted)

Original poster
pirate13 · 11/12/2015 09:45

I'm not going to lie. There are times when I just want to give her a cuddle and tell her I love her and that I want us to stay together.
I guess, even after what's happened, I still love her and I still crave her attention.
Maybe im not ready to move on just yet. Maybe I don't want to be alone. I don't know. I'm not going anywhere before Xmas anyway, as I say, I have my son to stay.
Is going to be hard. And I hope it gets sorted quickly after the holidays. But right now I'm tired and I don't want to fight.

OP posts:
PrancingQueen · 11/12/2015 11:34

The thing to keep reminding yourself of though OP, is that she's abusing you.
She's not a nice person and she's obviously got major problems.
Please try to sort out counselling ASAP for your low self esteem and learning how to set firm boundaries with her.

Your posts resonate with me as I was with an abusive partner. It took me discovering his affair when I had a newborn to finally see him for the pathetic, selfish specimen that he is.

Counselling was invaluable especially with boundary setting as he's still in my life due to our child. He still tries to control everything but now I know how to deal with him better and don't dance to his tune any more.
I'm only telling you this in case you carry on being involved with her children. She is selfish and manipulative and pulls your strings because she knows you love her.

This will continue unless you get professional help.

PrancingQueen · 11/12/2015 11:35

I know it's exhausting and you're very low at the moment, but having an outlet to talk and discuss your feelings will make you feel much stronger.

Original poster
pirate13 · 11/12/2015 16:04

Been a bad day Sad
Been on the brink of a panic attack all day. It seems the nicer she is to me the more I worry.

Going to try to be out as much as possible this weekend. I think that's the best thing I can do right now.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 11/12/2015 16:05

Bless you. It must be so hard.
Try not to panic.
Just take it one day at time at your own pace.
I think it might do you good to be away as much as you can this weekend.
Just be there if the kids need you.

IDependOnCodeineToo · 11/12/2015 16:13

I know from experience OP, that when in an abusive relationship sometimes the nicer they are to you, the more jittery it can make you.

My opinion from reading the whole thread - she's enjoying very much having this power over you. The niceness is just as abusive as the nastiness.

magoria · 11/12/2015 17:31

I would if you feel up to it start the ball rolling re divorce.

That way any income changes she make come after this date.

Also get the solicitor to put in writing to ask her to move out by x date.

You are going to have a nasty fight any way.

Better to take some control of what you can rather than sit and wait for her to sling shit at you.

She will already be sorting her information for what is to come.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/12/2015 18:04

"It seems the nicer she is to me the more I worry."
Anyone in your position would feel and react the same way pirate Sad. You're waiting for her to 'turn' again, and the anticipation and dread can be overwhelming. And she fucking know it Angry. She's screwing with your head Sad because that way, she keeps control of you.

I agree with magoria - it would be in your best interests to start the ball rolling on your divorce. Apart from the fact that you really need to be shot of her, it mean that you will feel some control over your life. That's a big thing. Feeling you have no control is scary and debilitating - if you take some of the control back, it may help you feel calmer and less anxious. You NEED to take control of your own life.

Original poster
pirate13 · 11/12/2015 18:18

Right. So she's just told me she isn't going anywhere?!
The kids are settled in school etc. So I'm assuming the ex said no!

Not sure what my next move should be. I don't want to leave here. But I don't think I can stay.
Fml.

OP posts:
tribpot · 11/12/2015 18:34

Right well in some ways this is good, she has given you a definite statement to which you can respond, instead of all this wishy-washy 'I don't know what I want' crap.

Now you get to make a decision.

You rent the house (and in fact it's in your name?). You want to stay in it, or nearby, because your elderly dad lives next door and depends on you for support. Where else is there to rent nearby? Have you looked on RightMove?

I would tempted to contact the landlord and say you're separating from your wife and you need to move out until your finances are agreed, but you will then be keeping an eye on the place to see when it next comes up for rent as you would like to stay in the area.

You go to a solicitor and discuss how to start the ball rolling with divorce, how quickly can you separate your finances given there are no shared children. I can't see why you can't just give notice on the house, tell her you're moving out and go your separate ways. If you can afford it, make sure you have already rented somewhere else so you can move immediately.

Do whatever you can before Christmas. It's time to end this horrible farce.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/12/2015 19:17

"So she's just told me she isn't going anywhere?! "
She's trying to be in control of you again. Next time she says that, respond 'I'm not going anywhere either. But I am divorcing you.' Take control.

Lweji · 11/12/2015 19:46

Well, is it her choice at this point?

It is yours, then.

Twinklefuck · 11/12/2015 20:18

I've skimmed responses so apologies if this has been suggested, but as lease is in your name can you not call her bluff and say you've given a months notice on the house, she'll be out by x date if you have to pack her up yourself and you'll no longer be on babysitting duties and if she could give you a forwarding address for your solicitor to send the divorce papers.

She can throw a million words and looks your way but she really won't respect you until you take a hard stand. You deserve better and by dragging this out don't doubt the kids will be picking up on it.

magoria · 11/12/2015 20:55

Start the ball rolling then.

It will be a fight but you can't achieve anything if you do nothing.

Amazemedontbeacunt · 12/12/2015 08:31

She can't just stay there. Imagine if your mate came to stay for the weekend and then Monday morning said they weren't going home.... IT'S YOUR HOUSE! When she's out just change the bloody locks. I don't even know you and I hate you're in this situation, imagine how your friends and family would feel if they knew, they'd be so upset for you. Imagine if your child or sibling etc was in this position, what would you tell them to do?

Amazemedontbeacunt · 12/12/2015 08:32

Ps I have actually been in your position and I called the police to remove him then changed the locks, packed his stuff and gave him a time to collect it when I had a relative with me so I do understand how hard it is for you but I felt much better after and I know you will too.