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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think she going to leave for her ex

439 replies

pirate13 · 03/12/2015 17:43

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 10/12/2015 08:55

OP, call the Mankind Project - they support male victims of domestic abuse.

Your relationship is classical abuse. I would be cautious about advising you to confront her as she may escalate her abuse to get you back into line. I also don't believe she is serious about leaving - she just wants you grovelling and cowed and on the back foot.

I think you need to get some support and resources based on the fact that your relationship is emotionally and physically abusive and start working out a plan to get free.

ChubbyMummy12 · 10/12/2015 09:02

Just read the whole thread, you sound like a lovely man, but you need to grow a pair and tell her exactly how it is, don't bother sugar coating it, because it's not working & wont work. Get a lock for your door, pack her bags, and tell her to find some other mug. You deserve much better than this.

xx

Stormtreader · 10/12/2015 09:17

ChubbyMummy thats a bit unfair, if the OP was a woman would you be telling her to just "grow a pair"?

OTheHugeManatee · 10/12/2015 09:33

Chubby You need to take on board that the OP is in an abusive relationship. His partner does the classic thing of mixing kindness with cruelty and has been violent towards him on several occasions when he wasn't doing as she wished. He is obviously very frightened of her and it sounds like he's been thoroughly ground down and stripped of all self-esteem by the abuse. Telling someone to just 'grow a pair' in those circumstances isn't usually enough and will most likely just make the OP feel even more helpless and worthless because he's failing to 'be a man' in the face of relentless domestic abuse. Not kind, and not likely to be helpful.

Original poster
pirate13 · 10/12/2015 10:15

OTheHugeManatee thank you for your kind words, if you're correct about her not leaving, i don't know what the hell i would do. i've been thinking about it a lot recently, i just hope she moves away, i suppose i will just have to wait and see.

OP posts:
PrancingQueen · 10/12/2015 10:28

OP, I've been following your thread.

  1. The house is in your name. Technically she has no right to be there. You have had excellent advice up thread about getting her out. Give her notice to move out. Let her ex house them. Oh, and get a bloody lock for the bedroom door! She's trying to bully you and massively taking the piss.
  1. See a solicitor about divorcing this nasty, abusive piece of work.
  1. Get counselling. Your self esteem is obviously on the floor and she's doing a right number on you. It takes a while to recover from this type of behaviour so get some help please.

You sound like a very decent person, keep your chin up and look forward to a much more peaceful new start in 2016.

ChubbyMummy12 · 10/12/2015 10:47

I realise he's in an abusive relationship & yes I would still say the same if it was a woman. I grew up with my parents in a violent and mentally abusive relationship and as a teen trying to get through to my mum to leave him was not going through. She left him eventually when I was 18. She wishes she had done it sooner before it got to the stage it did of him taking his anger out on myself and my brother Aswell as herself. I'm not trying to be hurtful or cruel, but in my life experiences it's better to say it how it is and not sugar coat it into making it look better than it is in reality. The children shouldn't have to hear/witness the abuse, it's not fair and will ruin their childhood. -I ended up on anti depressants, suffering with anxiety and self harming and I needed counselling.. I'm just saying her deserves better than having to put up with her.

Original poster
pirate13 · 10/12/2015 17:28

She's a different person today. Talking about Christmas, presents and a school trip in January.
I've spoken to a solicitor and they basically told me that if I want any chance of keeping the house I have to stay put. And that if I try to make her leave then she could get it as we are married it doesn't really matter who's the lease holder, and she has the kids. The only good thing for me is my caring for my dad. That would help if it ever had to go to the courts.

I've looked at counceling. I've emailed a couple of local places to see what appointments they have at weekends.

So I guess that's it. As the solicitor said "if you can stick it or for a month or so I'm sure she'll find a way out" I'm guessing she meant either the ex or some other unlucky guy.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 10/12/2015 17:49

I think the solicitor is wrong. She's not actually planning to leave. She might think she is, but the behaviour of her ex suggests he's a long way from welcoming back with open arms and who can blame him.

I fear that if you 'stick it for a month or so' she will continue to alternate abusing you and showering you with love until you're so confused and ground down you accept the situation as normal.

Please, OP, call Mankind Project and get their perspective on the best way forward for you. This situation can't continue. No-one deserves abuse in their relationship.

Original poster
pirate13 · 10/12/2015 18:03

I will call them in the morning, it was only a few times, and, yeah, i'm a little scared of her, but its more her tongue than her fists if you know what i mean, she just won't talk, has to shout, and then it just turns into name calling, like i'm pathetic, needy, etc. Thats why we could never resolve anything, she'll threaten me with kicking me out or whatever then a week or 2 later everything is supposed to be fine again because shes told me she loves me or we had sex.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 10/12/2015 18:08

I don't believe she is planning to leave you. She might have been, if her ex would have her, but obviously he has more sense. With his house him unavailable, if she were planning to leave then she's be looking for somewhere, wouldn't she? And she isn't. I suppose it's possible that she's trying to make life so intolerable that you will leave, but even with that, why not just tell you to leave? I doubt she'd hesitate to do so, if that were her plan.

No. She is just fucking with your head because she enjoys torturing you, keeping you off balance, seeing how far she can push you. I think she's a bit of a psycho, to be honest Sad.

Original poster
pirate13 · 10/12/2015 18:16

I really hope your wrong, i'm kinda pinning my hopes on her going, but i do see what you mean, the biggest problem, if she doesn't go, is what my next move is, i guess i'll have to borrow some money and get a place of my own.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 10/12/2015 19:37

OP I thought since you were the only one on the lease that your W wouldn't have rights, but it seems that is not the case :(
Advice from Shelter

Of course the flip side to that is that she also cannot make you leave the home either.

Is she working? If you moved out could she afford the rent? Sorry if you have already said.

She is obviously prepared to be as much of a bitch as possible and I think for your own safety, given her frequent verbal abuse and some physical abuse history, you may want to make a plan to leave, probably in with your dad for now as at least you'd save some cash.

I think her constant mistreatment of you has probably contributed to your low self-esteem which you seem to feel now and is why you are coming across as so passive.

Lweji · 10/12/2015 19:44

Be careful if she does leave her job. She could claim that it was a joint decision and ask for loss of earnings for a bigger slice of your assets (if you have any), or spousal maintenance.

You could force her hand by finding somewhere else for you to live and be prepared to walk out. She'd have to choose leaving herself or paying the full rent.

shoeaddict83 · 10/12/2015 19:54

Without sounding awful, if she won't go and you need to get out of this any dive realayionship, could you not find a new property that you could rent, give notice and move into your new home without her and then she'll have no choice but to deal with the fact your taking a stand and leaving her? Tell her you've given notice once you've found somewhere, and give her the option of taking on the lease herself or finding somewhere but it's usually at least a months notice on rental so she'll have time. I realise you don't want to move away from your dad but if he won't go and u can't kick her out it may be the only way to force her hand? I feel for u pirate, u can't stay in such a bad relationship as second best (without sounding horrible that's clearly what u are to Her as her ex won't have her) and u need to take control and get the life u deserve!

shoeaddict83 · 10/12/2015 19:55

Stupid phone!! Shud say get out of this abusive relationship

OTheHugeManatee · 10/12/2015 19:56

If I were you I would move out before she leaves her job. Sleep on your dad's sofa for a bit until you've saved a deposit for your own place.

I get this is hard and you love her kids but she sees you as a babysitter, meal ticket and punchbag, not a husband. Get yourself to safety somewhere she doesn't have a key and then you can start making decisions with some better headspace.

Original poster
pirate13 · 10/12/2015 20:21

Lweji I don't know if she has given her notice or not. She hasn't said. She was talking about xmas bonuses and stuff today so I sorry of assumed she hasn't.

pocketsaviour. she works, at the moment 16hrs a week but as stated above was supposed to be handing her notice in. She couldn't afford the rent on her own. When she's wanted me to go before she said her ex would cover the shortfall on it. I don't know if that's true or not.

shoeaddict83. I'm not going to be second best. I've decided that. But I REALLY don't want to leave this house. I can wait till after xmas. I can't see that I have much option. I've got my son for a few days over the holiday so I need a bed for him anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 10/12/2015 20:27

OTheHugeManatee. this is prob the hardest thing i have ever done, even when my previous relationship ended, with my own son involved, it wasn't this hard, we talked and sorted the details and knew what was going to happen, this time its the not knowing thats the problem. I promise you if i feel threatened i will go but at the moment i just can't

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 10/12/2015 20:31

"She couldn't afford the rent on her own. When she's wanted me to go before she said her ex would cover the shortfall on it. I don't know if that's true or not. "
I'm pretty sure it's not true, although she might have believed it THEN. (Not so much NOW, I suspect.)

Now I know you say you don't want to leave this house, and frankly neither would I. I wonder - she sounds manipulative enough to try to drive you out, but keep you paying for it. If she starts pushing you to leave (and like I said earlier, I think she is trying to make it intolerable for you) you need to make it clear that you will no longer be paying the rent. I would suggest that you agree to leave and in the same breath say you'll contact the landlord and have your name taken off the lease. I suspect she'll swallow hard at the thought of the rent being hers to pay, and back down.

Original poster
pirate13 · 11/12/2015 06:45

She came in from work last night. Poured a drink and just talked and talked. Not about anything helpful. Just chatter.
I'm starting to think she's going to want to stay Sad
Like I say. I love those to pieces but too much had happened this time.

OP posts:
Lweji · 11/12/2015 06:54

You can interrupt those chats and ask her about her plans to move.
Because she will stay...

jessicame · 11/12/2015 07:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
pirate13 · 11/12/2015 07:21

I did. But she just said she hadn't had time to do anything since I last asked.

OP posts:
tribpot · 11/12/2015 07:22

Hilarious - I'm just trying to report as many of these spam posts as possible, but absolutely quality to be posting 'how to get your ex-husband back' on a thread where the actual PROBLEM is that the wife is trying to get her ex-husband back.

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