DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

[TheCunnyFunt]

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

The thing is, he's untrustworthy. How do you know if he's telling the truth? Of course you could simply believe him, ignoring the fact he has been living a lie for the last 9 years. I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. I hope for his sake it was just a fleeting teenage fling.

Are you insinuating my DH is the father of both her children? Because you would be way, way out there. Both of her children are the spitting images of their fathers. Which is not DH. Unless he managed to somehow morph into a different person including change his DNA when they were conceived

I'm wondering how he kept in touch with her when she was being watched 24/7 by her abusive partner . I'm assuming he wasn't on the list of approved visitors .

And I'm also wondering why someone would have gone through all this for 9 years because of a shag with someone else when he was 16 , when ( I assume) you were just dating and not even living together .

And why didn't he just go to the police years ago ? They could just have phoned her and said " stop it " and she would . Sorted. It's not like the police were going to phone you and discuss it with you, so how would you have found out?

And given that you believe what your DH is saying over what she would tell you, why was this ever a problem ? What the worst she could do ? phone you up and say " guess what, I shagged your boyfriend years ago " and your DP would say " she's lying because she's jealous of our happiness " .

And you would believe him and not her. Sorted .

There's two easy solutions to the problem that didn't involved thousands of pounds and 9 years of lies .

I'm with Pocketsaviour.

OP, what you think is what matters. What I think is irrelevant.

Cunny, I am really sorry this is happening to you. If you're the poster I think you are you have been through enough already.

However the age thing comes into it for me. I did really daft stuff as a teenager. I didn't think long term to the effects and consequences.

You are the only person who truly knows how you feel, whether you can trust him again, and what to do about this. There's no rush to make a decision either. I think you've handled it really well so far. Take your time, find the facts as much as you can, confide in someone in real life and do the best thing for you not what anyone on the other end of s keyboard thinks you should.

One of the things I'm struck by is how young you all were when this presumably started. That doesn't excuse his behaviour and certainly not hiding it all of these years, but presumably he was only 16/17 years old?

I think I might be willing to get past a youthful indiscretion, but the lying and giving away of family money is hard to get past on top of that. I'd wonder what kind of person can keep up that type of lie for so long.

Is he contrite? Is he willing to make up for his behaviour, start your relationship afresh (because it will be different now he's proven he's untrustworthy) and do whatever's needed to earn your trust (access to bank statements, phone if that's what you need?)

It's obviously early days, but while I am not saying LTB, you are all still pretty young despite how long this has been going on. Plenty young enough to start afresh if you decide you can't get past it or he's not putting in the effort (i.e. I'd try to avoid falling for the sunk costs fallacy when evaluating where you go from here).

It doesn't really matter that the Op and her DH are young the heartbreak isn't lessened.

Have you spoken to him OP? How did it go? For what it's worth I don't think your DH has fabricated the police story but that's irrelevant, what matters is what you believe

RJ of you're referring to what happened to my brother a couple of years ago then yes, I probably am the poster you're thinking of.

Buggers, DH will have been 17/18 when it started. We met when he was 17 and he said it started with her not long after we got together.

He is very remorseful, trying to make it up to me in all sorts of ways. Yesterday I got a massive bunch of flowers and my favourite chocolates, today he's told me to book myself in at the hairdressers to have my hair done which will be happening tomorrow, he ran me a bath with candles (he used a Yankee candle named Wedding Day ) All material things but I suppose he's trying. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to trust him again though, he's supposed to be going on a stag do to Benidorm in May as well.

Still not had this talk. DH was called to work a while ago, got to do a road closure at an RTC. He's usually a good few hours at these so I'll be long asleep by the time he gets home.

And yes, before anyone says it, he has gone to work, I was sat next to him when he got the call on his work phone. I know what his boss sounds like. And DH wouldn't be stupid enough to drive his work van that has a tracker to anywhere else but to where he's meant go in it. I.e, work.

I thought MN was here to provide support for people not pull apart every little detail of what OP has posted then make up the remainder of the story they don't know through their vivid imaginations - no you don't know the truth or what really happened, you don't know the people, you don't have a sixth sense as to what the reality of the situation is, you don't know if OPs DH is being economical with the truth - you only know what OP has written - everything else is down to your imagination.

There are some real pernicious people on MN who's aim seems to be to cause as many relationships to break down as is possible.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this cunny Are you managing to look after yourself? Eating? Sleeping?
Do you have any children together?

Yes I did mean that, I didn't want to go into details but I remember it so clearly. I felt useless posting back then and I feel useless now. I hope he has made a full recovery.

Some of us are here to support; I am just so sorry I'm not being very effective at doing it.

to one of the strongest people I know of. Whatever happens you will get through this.

Button I'm sorry if my comment read that way, I wasn't trying to imply in any way that the hurt is less, just that I might - just might - be able to forgive the actions of a 17 yr old in the early days of a relationship, more easily than a grown man of 26.

OP - Good to hear he's remorseful, but as you say it's material stuff so far and it's his behaviour over the longer haul that matter. Hope you are looking after yourself.

OP - yes men do try when things go wrong like this... I've had experience of it, the gifts, being overly nice to make it up to you, pamper days etc.

I think one statement you make is very telling "you're not sure if you'll ever be able to trust him again though" and for me this would be the killer, would I want to live the rest of my life not completely trusting my life partner. Also, though he's making up for it now with gifts and gestures do you really want to become resentful over time and "make him pay" and also finally, if the chips are down again who's to say he won't cheat again, seeing as he's done it before.

When you mention the age aspect yes he's young, yes he shouldn't have cheated but you have quite a few other aspects in play now too with this recent info. Only you can decide ultimately what to do. You have your DD to think of. Do you want her to grow up in effect with a single mum and her seeing her dad and/or living with her away from your family home?

Another point I'll throw out there - say this was on the other foot and you'd cheated and lied, do you think he'd easily forgive and forget you? What are his views (not that they matter now really) on being faithful?

I only say the latter sentence as the ex-SO who cheated on me, well his dad had cheated on his mum with an OW and indeed it broke up their marriage. I think when my SO then cheated on me (he didn't think I'd find out) in some bizarre and twisted way he thought it was "ok" because his dad did it to his mum. Sorry if I'm rambling.

No need to apologise!!

RJ yes he's sort of fully recovered from that, his voice will never be the same again and his lungs are of that of a 70 year old (yet he still insists on smoking), other than that he's ok. He did, however, get a motorbike this year and passed his CBT. Every single family member knew exactly what would happen as DB has almost killed himself in cars more times than we care to count. Unfortunately we were all proved right when he came off and ended up with a broken leg no-one was surprised.

Thank you RJ, for me it's enough to know that you're there and that you care.

Yes thanks Alice, I'm doing ok, I'm eating but I don't feel like it. Sleeping is a bit horrendous. I'm frightened of what I'll see when I close my eyes.

I bet he wouldnt be so willing to forgo the stag do.

You sound more than capable of taking the time to sort through this mess, in a way that's best for you.

You were all so very young - in fact still are - and whilst it's not an excuse, perhaps that should be taken into account. A seventeen year old, with all the will in the world, does not have the experience to see beyond the here and now. Likewise, being asked for money now and then to keep quiet, would probably not have registered as blackmail.

For reasons best known to himself, he has now admitted to what's been going on. Work from that and process everything he tells you, then decide what you want to do. A knee jerk reaction right now could be throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Shit OP. I'm so sorry.

I have no advice other than be kind to yourself

I have no advice, but want to offer support, whatever you decide. Maybe it is worth working together on the problem. Counselling may help. Good luck in your future

Morning op did you manage to sleep? If possible try and lie down for an hour today at some point. Take as much rest as you need. If you aren't enjoying eating try milkshakes or yoghurt drinks. Easier on the tummy. Been thinking about you and I hope you have as easy a day as is possible.

I couldn't eat solids.
Ice lollies, sugary tea and soups were my saviours.
I hope you managed some sleep.
You will be able to run on adrenalin for a while but you will crash at some point so keep your sugar levels up and keep yourself hydrated.
I really hope you get the answers you want but I don't think that will happen.
I had a long list of questions too but the answers don't really register to be honest. You can ask over and over and the answers just don't get you any closer to feeling like you are getting somewhere.

The past is the past, what you need to know is what is he going to do now to get your trust back. And you need to understand what YOU want to happen as well. That is the most important bit.
Good luck. It's a long hard road.

I always think staying together and working through it is the harder option.
Some couples come out far stronger together after something like this.
Ultimately, only you know what your deal-breakers are.

Slept ok thanks, didn't sleep until well past midnight and then woke up at 20 past 5 with a mouth as dry as cardboard. Can't recall any dreams though, thankfully.

Glad you got some rest. Is it possible you can have a wee half hour later? Even just lying down gathering yourself somewhere warm and quiet? Claim a room as your space nobody else is allowed in to bolt to if you need it.

Good that you got some sleep. Keep eating and drinking (liquids not alcohol especially). If you can't eat soups or milkshakes might help.

Allow yourself space.