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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

500 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 13:48

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

OP posts:
Jollyjogger · 02/12/2015 13:51

I hope you get to the bottom of things. You need to know the truth and how long the fling lasted.

IrianofWay · 02/12/2015 15:54

Good lord. Usual MN infidelity catastrophising Hmm

"I expect they've been shagging every night for years, I expect he was planning to leave you and live with her, I expect her child is his, I'd put money on her really being an alien from planet Unlikely and he likes a bit of really strange..... "

No-one apart from the OPs H knows anything for sure. That's the bottom line.

OP - don't get goaded. I really don't know why so many posters on here like to make life so much worse for people already suffering by offering extreme speculations.

  1. Ask your questions.
  2. Do what YOU think best.
  3. Decide what you WANT to do and decide whether it is possible with the situation as it is and work out how to get there.
  4. Take your time - as much as you need.
shoeaddict83 · 02/12/2015 16:10

Irian - good post. I agree theres alot of people on here trying to make it worse.

This is your life and you deal with it how you see fit. I hope it all works out for you and you can either get past this, or deal with whatever outcome you decide on. Ive been through infidelity and its not pleasant, i did ask others for advice but ultimately it was up to me. Dont be rushed into decisions by people who you dont know and who dont know your entire situation and your feelings in this.
Take your time hun Flowers

Whythehellnot · 02/12/2015 16:22

It couldn't really get much worse could it? Shagging her best friend and giving her money.

Whythehellnot · 02/12/2015 16:22

And that's just the bit she knows.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/12/2015 16:37

The questions on your list are good. I can't imagine how you felt hearing this. Very sorry. Flowers

Branleuse · 02/12/2015 16:51

theyve been together since they were kids though. I did some shitty things when I was a teenager and youre working out your place in the world. Thats when most people make their mistakes and play around. The difference here is op and her partner are still together.
I think OPs dp has been a fucking idiot, but he was 17. thats all we really know so far, and hes been desperate to make what he did, go away

Fairenuff · 02/12/2015 18:30

OP I think as a starting point I would ask him to cancel his stag trip and see how he reacts. If he objects in any way at all then you know he is still putting what he wants first. It might help you decide whether there is anything left to salvage here.

Baths and candles are easy, they cost him nothing.

BuggersMuddle · 02/12/2015 21:58

Branleuse I think you've said what I as meaning far more succinctly.

Very difficult though if you do accept that it's immaturity - at what age do you cut off immature behaviour? (And I say that as someone who has been with my DP since 21 and whilst there was no cheating, neither of us were particularly grown up in the early days).

HelenaDove · 02/12/2015 22:03

Agree with Fairenuff

NameChange30 · 02/12/2015 22:20

"I think OPs dp has been a fucking idiot, but he was 17."

The thing is, he wasn't just a fucking idiot when he slept with her (was he 17 when he did? how old was he the last time he slept with her?) he's also been a fucking idiot ever since, by paying her family money and hiding it from the OP. How old is he now, 25 or something? He was being a fucking idiot right up until he "came clean" - if he has come clean and told the whole truth, that is.

He might just be a fucking idiot full stop, and age has nothing to do with it.

TeenyfTroon · 02/12/2015 22:21

CF, deciding not to do anything immediately is a reasonable decision. In time, you will know how you feel about this. Don't put yourself under pressure. Ignore any advice that doesn't resonate with you. Flowers

Starchild28 · 02/12/2015 22:32

Oh wow, there is so much here....but first I need to ask, do you have children?

nortonhouse · 02/12/2015 22:43

Where are you, OP?

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 03/12/2015 08:22

Why does it matter where she is?

Was there nothing on telly for the guillotine knitters last night?

She's perhaps trying to get her head round what her wankbadger of a husband has done to her.

nortonhouse · 03/12/2015 08:40

Whoa. Vicious, much? Where are you, OP - in terms of what are you thinking now, where is your head on this currently, etc. I think everyone who is still on this thread feels beyond shocked and really terrible about what has happened. You don't need to be jumping down people's throats about an expression of concern.

Tapirs · 03/12/2015 08:54

I think you need to be very clear about why he told you when he told you. He could have gone to the police and had her stopped without your knowledge. So why did he tell you at all?
Also, I agree with a pp. Baths and hairdressers are way too easy...almost flippant really. He needs to voluntarily not go on the stag do and not pout about missing it. But I think cheaters rarely understand the enormity of what they've really done.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 03/12/2015 09:05

You feel "beyond shocked and really terrible about what has happened"

Really?

Does that not strike you as being slightly over-invested in a MN thread?

I'm sure the OP will be back if, and when, she feels like talking again.

KeepOnMoving1 · 03/12/2015 09:15

Op the only few facts that you do know is that he duped you for almost a decade. For ten years he was paying her on the side and they had their little secret against you. And it's conveniently that you are barely married for 5 minutes that he's decided to tell you, once it makes it harder for you to leave. He's still manipulating you.
Unless you have another ten years to throw away and don't really care for time, then you should stay.

nortonhouse · 03/12/2015 11:02

For what it's worth - not that you are interested - a friend of mine was in a very similar situation a long time ago. I think it's a shame that for some reason you are obviously just spoiling for a fight, and are letting your own anger issues (mis)lead you into hijacking the OP's thread.

MorrisZapp · 03/12/2015 11:06

I doubt the OP will return.

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 03/12/2015 15:23

Doubt all you like Morris but I'm still here. FYI I haven't got any internet data left on my phone until midnight. Hence the silence. I'm on the school run, just parked up outside a pub near the school and am using their free wifi.
Will update tomorrow.

OP posts:
DancingGoose · 03/12/2015 15:26

hope you're okay today OP

nortonhouse · 03/12/2015 15:40

Likewise, OP. I hope you are doing all right. A dear friend had a similar experience many years ago and I remember very well what she went through and the agonising decisions she had to make. Flowers I am so sorry about what you are going through.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/12/2015 15:49

You don't owe any of us anything you know?
Update or don't - when you are good and ready!