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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

500 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 13:48

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

OP posts:
Whythehellnot · 01/12/2015 20:26

Might he have been in a relationship with her all along and helped her out/set her up as a mistress hence the money. The blackmail story is not adding up.

Goingtobeawesome · 01/12/2015 20:28

Sorry, posted before refreshed. I see you're sure the child looks like the ex.

YellowTulips · 01/12/2015 20:30

Walls - have reported. That's just a damn mean post.

sinber · 01/12/2015 20:30

wallshaveeyes what a shit post.

BastardGoDarkly · 01/12/2015 20:30

wallshaveeyes you're a fucking dick.

sinber · 01/12/2015 20:31

A dick that can't spell.

SuperFlyHigh · 01/12/2015 20:40

Whythehellnot raises a very valid point re mistress/OW and one I was thinking about suggesting earlier...

I don't think you need to go into the whys and wherewithalls of how your friend did this to you after all you and your family did for her. What I will say is i knew someone similar background, my family covered for her, looked after/out for her a lot and when we were both 25 she betrayed me badly, so much so that I ended our friendship. I think ultimately she was jealous of me and my home life before. Your friend may well have been of the same opinion. Mid 20s can also be very interesting re close friendships and how people consider the other to have grown up/coped, twists life takes etc... It was that way for me and my friend anyway.

I do think I'd want to hear her side of the story too, no matter how much it hurts and to get closure. I won't say how sorry I am again because you must be heartily sick of that word, all I can say is take care and look after yourself. Flowers

iamanintrovert · 01/12/2015 20:42

I think the very young age when it happened does make it more "forgivable" for want of a better word. Also I think you should tell another trusted person. Don't keep this a total secret.

WitchWay · 01/12/2015 20:43

I'd be concerned that her second child is his Sad

Thisismyfirsttime · 01/12/2015 20:46

I think there is so much here you need to unpick. I'd want to speak to her, if I were you. And even if you think she's going to feed you a load of shit I think you should hear what she has to say.
The police thing does sound a bit ropey, I'm wondering why they'd forbid her to contact you or your dm at risk of going to crown court if she hasn't been harassing you/ dm already. An OW telling on an affair isn't illegal, has she been threatening towards you in her messages?
If he's lied to you for this long and on this scale (and has time to get a good solid story together before you sit down with him) how do you know any of what he says now is true? Do you just suddenly trust the words of someone who's lied to you so badly and for so long?
Thanks OP, have a good think before you make any decisions.

Penfold007 · 01/12/2015 20:48

Funt I'm sorry but the police do NOT ring up blackmailers and tell them to stop.

MistressoftheYoniverse · 01/12/2015 20:49

Flowers I'm so sorry OP... I feel your pain, this will not be an easy time for you and you will go through so many emotions just remember that it's ok to react and if he really wants to work it out he will take all you have to give him to make it right and make sure all your questions are answered before you make any big decisions. Take care x

AtSea1979 · 01/12/2015 20:49

I think DH sleeping with someone else is possibly forgivable but DH keeping it from you every day since, not opening up to you when stressed all these years etc is unforgivable.
What a shit situation he's put you in.

TreesInSpace · 01/12/2015 20:52

He cheated on you repeatedly and paid them to keep quiet, lying to you for years and taking your family money away from the home for it.

I have sympathy for him being blackmailed, but it's a consequence of his actions.

He would have continued lying to you perhaps forever if he hadn't 'had enough' with forking out money to the woman.

He hasn't 'paid for' his actions, you have. He has used the family money over he years to gift his blackmailer with.

Now is the time he will be truly paying for it, truly 'not getting away with it', and that will all be dependant on your actions at his revelation.

Personally, I couldn't forgive cheating, even if it was years ago, or he'd been blackmailed. I'd just think, he lied once when he cheated, and continued to successfully lie for years since. And he must be an extraordinary liar and actor to keep an unfazed stance about since.

I'm not condoning LTB for you though.

But I know that's what I'd do.

Bakeoffcake · 01/12/2015 20:53

I agree with others, the police wouldn't phone up a blackmailer, telling them if they do it again they'll be in trouble.

LIZS · 01/12/2015 21:05

So he has kept in contact with her even after you had become more distant. I'm not clear on the timeframe regarding their affair , her abusive relationship, her dc2 birth and when you lost touch. If it were only at the beginning when you were all young, then your subsequent relationship may enable you to forgive, but I like others suspect it has been more recent and there is more to emerge. Otherwise why would she have had such a strong hold over him and for so long?

LineyReborn · 01/12/2015 21:10

Who is the father of her older child?

Branleuse · 01/12/2015 21:13

I dont think you need to decide whether to stay or not.

You need to decide whether you want to work at it and see how things go, but you cant promise anything. Why should you?

Considering the ages of you when you got together,you were so young, and some infidelity at 17, id probably not see as the end of the world, and it sounds like its shaken him to the core. s

I hope you get some answers and it feels clearer, but please dont torture yourself with gory details either x

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 21:23

Well I do have the crime number, it's on the notepad on the fridge. How would I go about finding out of he has really reported it and what action has been taken then?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 21:27

Liney what's that got to do with anything? The father of her first child is a waste of space. Only wanted contact with his son when it suited him, he eventually said something along the lines of 'All we share is DNA. He's not my kid and I don't want anything to do with him anymore.'

Why is that relevant?

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 01/12/2015 21:27

You ring 101 as a victim of blackmail (that was your money too) and as a person who wants to give a statement.

LineyReborn · 01/12/2015 21:28

OP, it's relevant because I think you've been lied to since you were all 15. Sorry. This must be awful for you.

LineyReborn · 01/12/2015 21:29

You and her, I mean. When he was 17.

pocketsaviour · 01/12/2015 21:35

Fucking hell, some posters on here must be wanting to try out as a story editor for EastEnders Hmm

(Not you, OP. All I can say is don't rush into a decision, take your time. If he has otherwise been a good partner, then I would be bloody furious, but I wouldn't end the marriage on the sake of this. But that's me.)

TheTigerIsOut · 01/12/2015 21:37

"I agree with others, the police wouldn't phone up a blackmailer, telling them if they do it again they'll be in trouble."

Yes, they will, it is called a "verbal warning"

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