DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

[TheCunnyFunt]

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

Have you written a list of questions?

It might be a good idea to help steady you and also to spot any inconsistencies.

Good luck tonight op

Yes I have a list. I'm sure there should be more on it though.
Why did you do it? (The obvious choice I guess)
Why her specifically?
When did it start?
When did it finish?
Where did it happen?
Why did it finish?
Who finished it?
At a guess, how many times?
When did the blackmail start?
Roughly how much have you paid?

Feel free to suggest some I may have missed.

So sorry, OP. What a pair of dicks. :(

I think why did he marry you, and then tell you is key.

Good luck and stand your ground.

I am sorry this happened Cunny. How fucking shit.

I'd ask how he thinks he can fix this? Because he has fucked this up and it's not for you to bravely accept and move on. He has to take responsibility.

I'd add:

Why did you choose to tell me now?
Did you not consider telling me before we got married?
Why did you not consult me on the police action?
Did anyone else know about this other than you and her?

I'm sorry to hear what happened. I can't imagine what you're going through right now and hope you chose the best situation for yourself.

for people out there who say the police phoning and giving her a warning can be right it sorta happened to me. long story short, my abusive ex finished with me in the October I met my amazing fiancé in the February and from the Feb to the June I was sexually blackmailed, was being followed and my OH even had his car tampered with. I went to the police and they went all they can do is advise me to change my number or ignore it and hope it stops. I was only 19 at the time and expected more help. so yes the three scenarios are possible.

You were 16 and 17 and had barely been together when it happened.
I can't help thinking that bit isn't actually a big deal?
The blackmail but is just ridiculous.

I suppose what I don't understand is that having agreed the police would warn her off speaking to him, you or your family, why did he confess now?

If he had agreed to prosecute I'd understand, but this element doesn't really make sense to me given the length of the deception already.

You know it could've been his mate on the phone pretending to be the police? Why the fuck has he told you now when he didn't tell you for 9 years, that's the bit I don't get.

Is there any chance she wasn't blackmailing him? Is there any chance he was in a long term relationship with her and they were about to move in together? Hence the 700. The long term relationship would also explain the him giving her the odd 100 here or there too.

Relationships are built on trust. He has lied about her and the cash.

Ask him for the police incident number. Then contact the police yourself and enquire about the incident

Also ask - has he had a sexual health screening? Had he cheated with anyone else too?

If he was being blackmailed, he could have got away with just going to the police to stop things AND not telling you anything! Why has he decided to tell you now?

Ask him what birth control they used (hopefully condoms, however you've just found out he's an accomplished liar so how can you believe anything he says).

I think if he had a short meaningless immature fling with me aged 16, I could work my way through things. If the fling was actually an ongoing, involved long term deceit, I would call it a day.

Ask when the last time he slept with her was.

Ask to see his phone messages without warning

I would also ask:
Why didn't you tell me about it the first time she tried to blackmail you?
Why didn't you tell me about it before we got married?

But actually I don't think I would get that far, personally. I agree with the PP who said:

"my god, op, I'd have to leave or I would literally try to kill him. Not as much for the infidelity as the years and years of lies, of cowardice, of disrespect and spending our money on trying to cover his unfaithful arse."

He didn't pay her to protect you, he paid her to protect himself. So I hope you don't fall for the argument that he was somehow doing the right thing and paying for his infidelity. He was still lying to you all that time. He was spending family money.

Oh and I would want to see all the messages exchanged between them (texts, emails, other) and all the bank statements with payments to her highlighted (if he paid by bank transfer or cash).

Are you sure the child isn't his and the money is actually maintenance?

You have had a terrible shock.

Take your time.

to you OP.

I really like the text you sent him. I think it says exactly what you need - answers that are true - and tells him that this is about you, which it is, 100%.

Good luck when you talk to him.