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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

500 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 13:48

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

OP posts:
GruntledOne · 01/12/2015 17:27

"Only you know your husband"

Well......that's blatantly bollocks under the circumstances isn't it?

She knows him a hell of a lot better than all the keyboard warriors on here do.

Keeptrudging · 01/12/2015 17:31

I don't get why he told you at all then, given he took the Police warning option. You would never have known about the last 9 years. You only know because he 'let' you listen to the phone call. My bottom line would be that he's lied consistently for years/covered up the loss of money. He's done it very well for you not to have noticed something wrong.

I'll 'fuck right off' now too.

PennyHasNoSurname · 01/12/2015 17:34

Its the long term lying I couldnt bear. Id feel like id been living a false life.

lavenderhoney · 01/12/2015 17:36

how did you end up falling out with her?

Your dh seems to have got himself into a dreadful mess. And his response to your text message is awful. I wouldn't do anything until I'd got my thoughts straight and found out exactly how much he had paid her and how- meeting up or bank transfer? Do they have a child? :(

I can't think why he started giving her money or he even thought shagging your friend was a good idea. Have you recently opened a joint account and that's why he had to tell you?

DickDewy · 01/12/2015 17:38

Is that what the police do? They phoned her? Not even a visit to her home?

That sounds most odd, but I don't know much about policing.

Anyway, poor you OP. Only you can decide what to do. It's easy for us lot to say LTB.

bananafish · 01/12/2015 17:41

Bloody hell - what a horrid situation. First of all, take care of you - you must be reeling.

Personally, I could probably get past the infidelity. I know it's a deal breaker for many, and that's absolutely right for them, but there are scenarios that I can see where I could move on from it.

But, it's the sheer stupidity of his actions that would make me balk. What did he think was going to happen? At what stage was he going to figure out that this giving in to blackmail was not a sustainable course of action? It's just weak and spineless behaviour. I'm not sure how much respect for him I would have left.

Also, telling you after you have finally got married is a calculated risk, isn't it? So. he's being devious and shifty, as well.

I hope you can work out a way through that's right for you. But I'd be really thinking about how he has behaved, even over what he's done.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/12/2015 17:42

If I were you I'd phone her and get her version, without any shouting, just listen, before asking DH any questions.

It won't be long before you start wondering if he has been cheating with anyone else.

If you know what his pattern of behaviour was, where they met, how exactly he deceived you, etc, you will be better able to judge whether this was a one off or if he has been exhibiting similar behaviours at other times.

She might lie, so might he. I'd still want to hear what she had to say about it.

Italiangreyhound · 01/12/2015 17:49

I have not read all the posts but in my humble opinion, if you love him, stay with him.

I would try and treat these things as differently, yes, he did commit adultery, have an affair or however you want to put it, and she took advantage of his behaviour to blackmail him. If you are angry with him, that is normal, but you can try and work it out.

As far as you former friend goes, she sounds like she had a very tough life and it has made her behave very badly. In your shoes I would almost certainly cut her out of my life too.

In fairness to all the pain and upset this has caused I would also say your husband stayed with you despite all this pressure and so, in a way, my inclination would be to see if you can make it work.

Lweji · 01/12/2015 17:54

it has made her behave very badly

Surely it was her choice.

Fairenuff · 01/12/2015 17:59

As if cheating on you isn't bad enough, he paid to try and cover it up, married you without disclosing this and, after all that, has decided to let her off the hook.

I wouldn't even know how to begin trying to rebuild a relationship with him. It's all come crashing down, it's all been one big lie with him just trying to cover his own arse.

He's clearly not the man you thought he was.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 01/12/2015 18:07

Oh OP, what a horrible thing to find out.

Firstly, I think your text to him is spot on. I would want to know everything, and see all messages, emails, bank statements, absolute full disclosure, before contemplating my next move.

Secondly, I think you need to separate the cheating from the blackmail. I know you want to feel sorry for him because he's been through hell, but it is a hell of his choosing. It doesn't make it better that he's spent family money on this and prolonged the lies, it makes it worse. I'm afraid I also think he's told you now because you're now married and it's more difficult for you to extricate yourself from the relationship. It seems like he's banking on you forgiving where you might not have before.

I'm not sure I'd contact exBF in your position. Partly because I'm not clear on the legalities, given she's now been instructed not to contact you, but mostly because she seems intent on fucking you over. You cannot believe a word she says, so why bother.

Oakmaiden · 01/12/2015 18:08

Hm. I guess the real question for me would be at what stage in the relationship did he cheat? I guess if you were girlfriend/boyfriend living separately and in the first months of a relationship I would see that as very different to cheating on someone to who you have made a commitment by moving in/getting engaged/being "exclusive" for years etc.

Italiangreyhound · 01/12/2015 18:08

Lweji re my comment it has made her behave very badly, re your comment Surely it was her choice.

Yes, very true, I was being way over simplistic there. What I should have said is that it might have contributed to her making wrong decisions.

I would also say that very possibly she might have even felt jealous of the OP for her nice family home which this other woman was made welcome in for a short while, and this might have even fuelled her very cruel actions in after having an affair with the Op's husband she blackmailed him, but this is all guesswork.

So apologises, my original comment was very sloppy indeed but my advice would still be to forgive but to cut contact with her... and if the OP loves her husband to work it out.

But yes, Lweji Blush caught red-handed making a wild generalisation and unsubstantiated claim and assuming way too much (which is not really true because even those who have a tough time can still make valid and logical choices)!!!

DinosaursRoar · 01/12/2015 18:08

What I'd want to know, how many times did they sleep together, and the time scales to this. Then when did she first ask him for money.

I would find it easier to forgive an infidelity early in a relationship, ie before we were living together and serious, but would find it harder once it was a more established as a long term relationship, but that's me. DH and I pretty much kept separate finances until we had DC1 and then still kept separate 'fun money' so if it wasn't family money being spent but his personal 'allowance' then I'd not be as upset about that, but obviously other people have different arrangements.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 01/12/2015 18:13

Oh how awful for you but also for your husband he must of felt majorly stressed for years, but I guess that's been his karma and I very much doubt he'd ever contemplate cheating again so there's a silver lining to come out of this.

How old were you roughly when he cheated?

zipzap · 01/12/2015 18:18

Sounds horrible all around.

Did your dh decide by himself which of the options to go with that the police offered him or did he ask for your input too? And if the latter - was it a genuine joint decision or did he do what he wanted at the end?

If this had happened to me I would want to be involved in that decision - and how he dealt with it - and it in relation to me - would be one of the factors on how I judged him towards whether or not I stayed with him.

Can he decide to prosecute her at a later date?

Can you make sure that he keeps all the texts etc so that there's proof if he does change his mind... Again - his attitude towards this would be very interesting and telling as to what my next moves would be.

anonacfr · 01/12/2015 18:18

I'm sorry but are people actually feeling sorry for the poor blackmailed husband? Shock

Let me guess he spent all this blackmail money to 'protect' the OP because he loves her so much. What a stellar proof of his devotion.

sinber · 01/12/2015 18:19

It's all in the detail, and the OP doesn't have the details yet, could take a while.

ButtonMoon88 · 01/12/2015 18:28

All my sympathies are reserved for OP, but unlike most adulterous posts on here my immediate reaction is don't LTB, at least not yet. You need more information before you can make that kind of decision, personally I would think about forgiving Blush

Lweji · 01/12/2015 18:31

Sadly, my view is that it doesn't matter how much you OP love your husband, but how much you think he loves you.

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 18:33

Lavender I didn't say we fell out. We drifted apart. I also didn't say what DH's response to my text was. It was actually a phone call in which he agreed to answer all my questions. No they do not have a child together. She has two children, one who she had at 15 a year before I'd even met DH, and the second about five/six years ago (I can't remember exactly) when she was in an abusive relationship and her every move was being watched, her phone confiscated and she wasn't allowed out.

And to answer a few questions, no I have not noticed any money going missing, it's only in the past year that we've opened a joint account together that pays utility bills. We each have our own separate accounts (I'm terrible with money, I can spend it like it's going out of fashion. Trust me, it's safer this way). I don't monitor his account.

I'm reluctant to contact her. I know her very very well and I know that she'll be furious now her money has stopped. As revenge she'll make things up, she'll make it sound even worse than it already is. She'd tell me all this in a very caring tone and say she's sorry it ever happened and it never meant to go this far and she doesn't want to hurt me anymore but I should know that...

So by contacting her I still wouldn't know what to believe.

OP posts:
alltouchedout · 01/12/2015 18:35

I hate hate hate the predictable raft of ltb responses on here normally but my god, op, I'd have to leave or I would literally try to kill him. Not as much for the infidelity as the years and years of lies, of cowardice, of disrespect and spending our money on trying to cover his unfaithful arse.

Also, I'd want to contact my ex friend, without my husband knowing I was planning to, and get her side of the story. Ymmv though.

I'm so sorry. Rarely has a mumsnet post made me feel so angry on behalf of someone else.

squidzin · 01/12/2015 18:40

Paying your Bff for sex.

What a catch.

Snowglobe18 · 01/12/2015 18:40

Waiting until you'd just got married to tell you was low.

expatinscotland · 01/12/2015 18:43

'What I'd want to know, how many times did they sleep together, and the time scales to this. Then when did she first ask him for money. '

Since they are both liars, though, how can either one of them be trusted? I'd be worried that second child of hers is his, too.