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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

500 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 13:48

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

OP posts:
Magpie18 · 01/12/2015 15:28

So very sorry for your trouble. As someone who is two years on from discovering my husbands long term affair I know you will be in total shock.

Don't feel you have to make any decisions about your marriage/relationship in any sort of hurry because you will find you are on a roller coaster ride to hell - and back, with or without him.

It is imperative that you get the whole truth as soon as possible - drip feeding will add to your pain, although he may convince himself that it's "to protect you". I would ask for evidence of what & when he paid her - and when the sex side ended. It will help you to have a timeline of how & when things happened. You have a horrible time ahead of you, I'm so sorry. Only you can make the decisions - don't be in a hurry.

My marriage is a shadow of what it was unfortunately and I doubt we'll ever be as close as we were before. This is my reality - I wish you the very best for yours.

ImperialBlether · 01/12/2015 15:29

God, I'd have a list of questions a mile long, starting with what's the name of the police officer you spoke to?

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 15:29

Yes he has really been to the police, yes he really has been blackmailed, he showed me the messages on his phone. I was sat there when he got another one through yesterday before he'd been to see the police. They said he had three options -
1, Ignore and hope it goes away
2, They ring her and tell her to stop or else
3, He makes a full statement and they go in for an arrest.
He went for option 2 and he hasn't had any messages back. The sergeant phoned DH when he got hold of her to tell her and I heard everything. So all of you with your 'I bet he didn't really go' theories can fuck right off because I am not in the mood for that kind of bullshit today.

OP posts:
GreenPotato · 01/12/2015 15:30

What Keeptrudging said was my first thought. His OW is threatening to tell you, he's concocted this story so that if she gets in touch his story is in place, and you'll just think she's this terrible blackmailer.

Of course it might be that all he's said is true but... I'd be suspicious.

And anyway, even if it's true I'm not sure I could handle what's happened.

GreenPotato · 01/12/2015 15:31

Sorry I x-posted with you. I'll fuck right off! I do think though (before I fuck off) that if he shagged her in the first place and kept it quiet, he's capable of other deception.

Whythehellnot · 01/12/2015 15:32

They would have called at her home op, that's all.

Atomik · 01/12/2015 15:37

I'd want verification that the police have been informed and taken steps. And I'd want verification from the police themselves. At the station. Not some "report" that could be whipped up on a publishing package at home.

Because taken at face value, were one inclined to want to destroy the credibility of somebody about to inform a wife of say.. a much more recent affair, or unwanted and rejected sexual overtures, well the term "blackmailier" would certainly help in that regard.

Until that aspect was cleared up I wouldn't be able to even begin to work out how I felt.

So sorry love, this is a hell of a lot to have been dropped on your plate.

LovesPeace · 01/12/2015 15:37

Your husband has cheated on you on more than one occasion. The blackmail is a red herring between him and her.

Can you forgive infidelity, OP? Can you forget? Personally I couldn't ever trust someone after they let me down like this, nor would I want to either forever police them, or wonder if they were fucking someone new.

But you may be different.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 01/12/2015 15:38

I think the best thing you can do is stand by your marriage, stay strong and be a united front against this woman.

The blackmail is a separate issue to the fact that her husband cheated. She shouldn't feel obliged to stay with him just so her DH 'wins'.

OP, ultimately only one person in this scenario took vows to be faithful and loyal. And he was spending money for nearly a decade to keep you ignorant of what he did.

wannaBe · 01/12/2015 15:38

actually I think going to the police was his get-out. Given this woman had been blackmailing him he had the way to silence her without her actually telling you anything. Given he'd told you everything why did he not then just call her bluff and tell her that you knew? After all, if he'd told you everything there's nothing more she could do is there?

Your dh has been very clever. He's lied and spent thousands of £ of the family money over the years to keep his dirty secret, and now that it's blown up in his face he's got the police to have a word to ensure that you now never know the truth.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 01/12/2015 15:43

Why isn't he pursuing option three?

wannaBe · 01/12/2015 15:45

presumably because then he'd have to give a statement, and evidence, of exactly what, when, where etc, in court. And then the op would know the extent of exactly what has happened.

Siwi · 01/12/2015 15:51

But, as I thought, (and I may have to post on the, 'Stupid things I used to believe' thread), in the case of blackmail, the thing is hushed up.

TheoriginalLEM · 01/12/2015 15:54

The trouble is, YOU have paid the price financially too, assuming your finances are joint? So how has he explained the missing money? Sorry but this would be a deal breaker for me

ImperialBlether · 01/12/2015 15:55

Would you have married him if you'd known all this beforehand?

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 01/12/2015 15:58

Just want to say sorry op. You must be in turmoil right now. Only you know the ins and outs of your marriage at the moment so do what you need to to get the outcome you need to survive. Get the answers you need and then go from there. Ignore the opinions you don't need to hear right now. Don't add to your pain unnecessarily. Opinions are like poo chutes and all that Smile hope you get the answers you need.

Gazelda · 01/12/2015 15:59

Of course your heart is broken. He has betrayed you horribly.

Can you break this down - forgetting the blackmail, could you forgive him for cheating on you all those years ago? Could you forgive him for lying to you for 7 years? Have you been left stony broke at any point that on reflection was caused by these handouts?

For me, the blackmail is incidental - he wouldn't have confessed if it hadn't got out of hand, and it's made you think of him as a victim in this.

I'd be asking how this came about in the first place, how much had he handed over and how often, does he make the payment in person or by bank transfer, does anyone else know (I suspect he must have told his DM on Sunday who advised him to come clean to you).

Aramynta · 01/12/2015 16:00

I don't understand why he hasn't opted for option 3 and, in your shoes OP, I would be pushing for that to happen.

But you know your situation and know the reasons behind it. I hope you can move on from this OP, with or without him. Remember that you need to look out for yourself in this and your needs. Not his or ExF.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 01/12/2015 16:01

He waited until you were married to tell you the truth. Fucking hell.

Hoppinggreen · 01/12/2015 16:02

So he's reported a serious crime and the Police response has been to phone up the alleged perpetrator and "tell them off"
I'm finding that pretty hard to believe.
This is a man who has lied continuously for 9 years I would not believe anything at all he said or texted - I would only believe that from a uniformed officer who was standing in front of me in a Police Station.
Again, I'm not saying that this is the end but you Need ALL the information to decide and you need to get it from sources other than your H and the OW

RickOShay · 01/12/2015 16:06

I believe you op. Take your time, be kind to yourself, and remember that none of this is your fault, I hope you get the answers you want from dh.

var123 · 01/12/2015 16:07

He did something that would've caused you to leave him years ago. You didn't know about it and you stayed. Whatever you meant to him many years ago, you've clearly come to mean a lot to him and he's been proving it for years.

I'd ask him to tell you everything about any other cheating, expecting there to be none. (I'd say he's learned his lesson on the cost of cheating, wouldn't you?). Then I'd get back on with your lives and start planning a family Christmas.

twirlypoo · 01/12/2015 16:07

I'm sorry if I upset you talking about the police response, I really am. I have been cautioned for harassment (my ex did a runner when I was pregnant and I was trying to get to the bottom of what the hell he was doing - no excuse but context) the police came to see me and told me to stop talking to him, they said I had a verbal caution (not a proper caution!) and that if I made contact again then I would be arrested. I lost the baby and sent him 2 vile texts, the police then came to my house and arrested me and I was cautioned. If I hadn't accepted the caution it would have gone to court via cps etc, but those were the stages that it went through - not straight to the final warning if you see what I mean.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I am sorry if I said the wrong thing - I think we all just want to look out for you and make sure he isn't oulling the wool over your eyes further.

I'll bow out now, take care Flowers

Whythehellnot · 01/12/2015 16:08

It's not that I don't believe op. He is the liar here.

BolshierAryaStark · 01/12/2015 16:11

He slept with her more than once, this could mean absolutely anything-the only thing you know for sure is that it wasn't a stupid one off mistake.
For me it wouldn't matter, there's no going back from infidelity-once the trust is gone the relationship is dead in the water.