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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

500 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 13:48

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

OP posts:
Whatevva · 01/12/2015 16:12

Be kind to yourself. It must be one hell of a shock.

Don't make any decision until you are happy that you have all the facts, and you know how you want to go ahead.

You are not obliged to either leave or stay and you can change your mind. Flowers

wannaBe · 01/12/2015 16:12

fwiw I don't think the op's version of events is in question here is it? op is a regular enough poster that I recognised her username.

But obviously when it transpires that someone has been lying about something for years then generally the truth doesn't all come out in one go, and often there are more lies in order to cover up the truth iyswim, which is most likely why people don't believe that the dh is telling the truth.

GissASquizz · 01/12/2015 16:17

Christ. I'm so sorry, Cunny. What a fucker Angry

P1nkP0ppy · 01/12/2015 16:20

I can't imagine how you must feel OP, what the hell did he think he was doing? And to marry you so recently while all this was going on.

The fact that it's happened more than once, plus the only reason he seems to now confess is because he can't carry on paying out, makes me wonder just how much you'll ever trust him again.
A marriage minus trust isn't sustainable imo.

Flowers and hugs

diddl · 01/12/2015 16:21

He has slept with someone else more than once whilst in a relationship with OP.

He has been giving money to someone else throughout their relationship & then marriage.

Is there a need to know more??

NotWeavingButDarning · 01/12/2015 16:29

Ugh this sounds horrendous, OP. So sorry.

However, I would try not to get bogged down with feeling sorry for your DH and all the stress he has been under with this whole situation, as it was entirely of his own making.

He didn't have to cheat in the first place.
He didn't have to give money (which was half yours!) to keep it quiet.
He certainly didn't have to let it drag on for years.

He could have stopped it at any time by just being honest. He didn't, and he needs to take responsibility for that.

Snowglobe18 · 01/12/2015 16:31

Hmm.

I would be sceptical of him not knowing how much he's given her. I don't know, but your post made me think it might be more than he's said.

I think you have to deal with his affair as a separate issue. Give yourself time to process and talk things through. Examine if you think he has been faithful apart from this particular affair, etc.

Your ex best friend is clearly very troubled. Were you still in touch?

TheTigerIsOut · 01/12/2015 16:33

There will be a lot of people telling you to LTB, most of them would have not been in your situation and some would have and realised that it was not worth saving the marriage.

However, you are the only one who knows your husband well, how good your relationship is and whether it is worth saving.

Frankly, you are right to be annoyed and feel cheated about all this, but you are the only one who can decide, with time, whether you can forgive his affair.

Personally, I know a couple of women who kicked their husbands out, kept them at a distance for a while and once the things calmed down a bit they were prepared to work the problem through and came out of all this mess with a much stronger marriage.

I also know one who threw her husband out and refused to talk to him in a civil way for a long time, just to find out after a couple of years, that he was not having an affair. Unfortunately, by the time she got to know this, he had moved on and was in love with another person.

I'm sure there are also many women around who have let their husbands go and never regretted it.

So, don't let the crowd make the decision for you, back off, take some time to digest the information, evaluate your relationship and take a decision when you are ready.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/12/2015 16:34

Don't let anyone railroad you into making any decisions at this stage: not Mumsnet; not your friends or family if you tell them; especially not your DH.

He has to understand that he doesn't get to control the situation from now on. He has cheated on you then sustained a lie for years. He has forfeit any right to dictate what happens next.

Take time to decide what you want. If you need space from him then he has to leave for a while or move into the spare room, whatever works for you. It is for you to decide what you want to discuss and when you want to discuss it. You will make decisions only when you feel ready and your decision may change with time or more information.

Absolutely don't let him paint himself as the victim here. This is not a one-off moment of stupidity with immediate consequences. He cheated multiple times then brazened it out with you for years taking family money to hide his wrongdoing. That is not a moment of madness but a protracted spell of dishonesty. Don't let him try a "poor confused manipulated little me" routine to downplay the hurt he has caused you.

TheTigerIsOut · 01/12/2015 16:36

"So all of you with your 'I bet he didn't really go' theories can fuck right off because I am not in the mood for that kind of bullshit today."

Well said.

BalloonSlayer · 01/12/2015 16:43

We've been together 9 years and married four months ago today. He said it started not long after we get together.

I reckon he has told you not because it has all got suddenly unbearable but because you are now married and he thinks he's safe to do so now.

GruntledOne · 01/12/2015 16:48

So he's reported a serious crime and the Police response has been to phone up the alleged perpetrator and "tell them off"
I'm finding that pretty hard to believe

I'm not. It's perfectly standard practice when the complainant isn't sure whether he wants to go through a trial but they need to stop the crime happening.

OP, I'm with Tiger, ignore all the amateur detectives and the LTBs on here and make your own decision - only you know your husband. And look after yourself and put yourself first.

magoria · 01/12/2015 16:48

What Balloon says.

Very suspicious it has come out now after you are married rather than before.

Did he say when it ended?

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 01/12/2015 16:52

"Only you know your husband"

Well......that's blatantly bollocks under the circumstances isn't it?

diddl · 01/12/2015 16:53

But going to the police, finally stopping paying out, it still doesn't take away what he did.

And OP can either forgive & move on or not.

howtorebuild · 01/12/2015 17:00

I couldn't forgive him. Flowers

expatinscotland · 01/12/2015 17:01

Sadly, he's proven he has lied and lied and lied to you for pretty much your entire relationship. Wow. He only told you after he'd hooked you. Do you have kids together? Poor you. I don't feel any sympathy for him, tbh. I know you do, but the scales always fall from peoples' eyes eventually with these things, especially nine years of lies.

YellowTulips · 01/12/2015 17:02

I'm not sure I could get past something like this (the years of lying about the blackmail would probably hurt more than the infidelity tbh) - but here's the thing, it's not my relationship.....

I think you've done the right thing asking him to come clean. What I would add is to tell him that whilst you're not sure if you can get past this, if you find out he lies about any question you ask from now on that's defiantly game over.

Then really it's trust your gut - is he lying/minimising or not?

The ball is in your court now, so you don't need to decide anything right away - quite frankly it's going to take some time to process it all.

I'd also be pissed off about the decision to prosecute or not. This woman has been stealing from you both in effect and you should have been consulted. Personally I'd want to see her in court regardless of the outcome of the relationship with your DH.

Anyway Thanksbe kind to yourself and don't feel pressured into making choices until you are ready to do so.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/12/2015 17:06

Listen to your heart because ultimately on a day-to-day basis that is how you will be reacting to your DH. So if your heart is currently saying 'ouch' then you need to take the time to deal with that hurt.

I thought I could forgive my ex's affair. It turns out I couldn't. If I had listened to my heart (rather than rushing to try to return everything to an equilibrium) then I wouldn't have been so quick to pretend I could move on.

Take your time and your space. Keep your sympathy for yourself not your DH (regardless of the blackmailing story, you are much more worthy of sympathy and care atm than he is).

WitchWay · 01/12/2015 17:15

when my H slept with my BF, at a very low point in our marriage, I was more hurt by her betrayal than his. She had been my confidante & used the information to her advantage.

Tiggeryoubastard · 01/12/2015 17:20

*Oh, how awful. What a terrible thing this woman did to your family.

I think the best thing you can do is stand by your marriage, stay strong and be a united front against this woman. Yes, of course you can be pissed off with you DH; I think that's natural.

Your husband made a big mistake and, in my opinion, he has paid a huge price for it in terms of the torment he has been through. He now has to make it up to you.

If it were me, I would forgive the infidelity because its not worth splitting up over. *

Fucking hell. Really? The woman did the terrible thing? The husband made a mistake? It's not worth splitting up over? Thank god at least some people have some self respect. That's a shocking bunch of statements. I pity you.

Tiggeryoubastard · 01/12/2015 17:21

Sorry, the first part of the post was meant to be highlighted. It was a quote from above.

Lweji · 01/12/2015 17:22

I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

Really?
Although blackmailing is a crime, he put himself in that situation. He could simply have told you the truth.

My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money

The family money that could have been saved or spent on you and your DD?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/12/2015 17:23

Tiggery I read your post thinking wtf? then realised it was a quote of an earlier post.

Tiggeryoubastard · 01/12/2015 17:26

Aplace I know, can't believe I missed the first star.

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