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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

500 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 13:48

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

OP posts:
goldglittershitter · 06/12/2015 21:45

Just rtft. Wow, OP, u must be reeling.

Hope u r as well as can be expected Flowers .

rainbowstardrops · 07/12/2015 03:51

I bet he wants to sweep it all under the carpet and move on! Of course he does because he doesn't want you finding out any more!
I'm sorry, but I can't see that a mistake made when you were both not long out of school, warrants the type of extortion that your DH is stating is coming from the BF.
No way. I'd be digging and I'd be digging deep, not sweeping it under the carpet.

SladeGreen · 07/12/2015 05:34

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this monumentally shit time Flowers

I honestly don't know what I'd do in your situation, but I wish you the best of luck and hope you get the answers you need. That's the least you deserve.

Thisismyfirsttime · 07/12/2015 22:36

I've said it before and I'll say it again- In your shoes I'd speak to the OW. She may be jealous/ bitter/ spiteful/ lying but she wasn't the one coming home to you after deceiving you and starting a family and marrying you all the while knowing this dirty little secret. You can talk it over with DH all you like but how can you trust a word he says when he's kept this from you all this time? It's not even the original discretion which may have been many years ago and forgettable but that the whole saga has gone on this long and I would be digging very deep as to why.

bjrce · 07/12/2015 22:53

The thing op, you only have his word for it that he had sex with your best friend "years ago" when he was "17?". I am sorry I don't buy this for a second.
There's no way a guy would have paid money to someone for that length of time. He must think you came down in the last shower.
You really don't know when it ended and for how long it really went on for.
I know if it was me I would have to go and speak to the " bf?".She may or may not tell you the truth but I would make my own assessments after speaking to her, but I certainly wouldn't take his word for it
Sorry.

goddessofsmallthings · 08/12/2015 02:36

The problem inherent in these situations is that one question gives rise to a series of questions such as why now and why not in six months' time? Why not six months ago when he could have chosen to confess all with a view to starting married life with a clean slate so to speak?

And how did he pay her the money he claims to have given her? Did he set up a direct debit or was it by way of cash transactions? If the latter, who gave the cash to her? Did he employ a go-between, or did he rock up in person with a wad of notes in his pocket?

I have an issue with him having been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail as, while I'm prepared to believe that the police may have called her, it's highly unlikely they would have said she'd be taken 'straight to crown court etc' because only the CPS can make that call after the police have conducted a full investigation into whatever complaint he made to them.

All in all, I'm getting a strong whiff of manure and I suggest you get the bit between your teeth and go straight to the mare's other horse's mouth so that you can get an overview of the full SP. If you act on this advice, making an approach that's more in sorrow than anger, coupled with pity for whatever dire straits have driven her to extort money from your h, may prove illuminating.

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 07:11

So yesterday, I called 101 to ask some advice about contacting her. They advised me not to. So I did anyway. Her story is completely different and I hate to say it, but her version of things makes more sense.

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/12/2015 07:28

Sad Will you confront him?

Don't remember. Did you witness him contacting the police over the back mail?

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 07:37

I don't really know what to do. Yes her story makes more sense, but she too has deleted all their correspondence so I've still no proof of anything. She only deleted everything a couple of days ago too!

A couple of things that didn't make sense to me from DH's story was that he said it was more than once but he couldn't say when it started/how long it went on for/when it ended. She says it was a drunken ONS when we were on a break, she'd never have gone there if she hadn't been shitfaced and me and DH weren't on a break. AND she has always been one of those weird people that is grossed out by ginger hair, DH is ginger. I knew there was no way in hell that she would have an affair with someone like DH. I'll C&P her messages to me later when I have time.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 07:38

I didn't witness the call to the police but I witnessed the call back from them after they'd contacted her. She has confirmed that they did ring her and tell her not to speak to us.

OP posts:
Domino777 · 08/12/2015 07:44

It's really good you're getting both sides. If it did happen when you and DH were having a break, that's totally fine. Why did he give her cash though? He could have just told you he'd sleep with someone briefly while not together.

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 07:54

You'll find that out later Domino, I'll C&P her messages but it'll take me a while as I'll have to remove names.

OP posts:
YellowDinosaur · 08/12/2015 07:55

Why does her version make more sense? There is no way he would have told you it was worse than it was if her version was true. Or paid her blackmail.

I can understand you not trusting anything he says, but it just doesn't make sense he'd tell you it was an affair while you were together, or that he'd have paid her demands, if it was a drunken ons while you were on a break!

pocketsaviour · 08/12/2015 08:11

OP, if the messages were only deleted recently and your DH hasn't made any changes to his phone, they can be recovered.
Instructions for Android
Instructions for iPhone

pocketsaviour · 08/12/2015 08:14

I have to say I'm very surprised by this turn of events, though. Sounds very strange!

Lweji · 08/12/2015 08:17

Good idea. Ask for the phone back and see if you can retrieve the messages.
Even if her version makes sense, he has lied to you all this time and used money on her that could have been used on his true family. I wonder how much over the years.
And he could have come clean years ago.

P1nkP0ppy · 08/12/2015 08:18
Xmas Confused So who do you believe now op?
NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 08:23

Read the update properly, people. Husband said it was when they were on a break; ex-friend said they weren't on a break. And it's most certainly not OK as he has been lying about it.

0verNow · 08/12/2015 08:31

No, ex-friend says they were on a break.

YellowDinosaur · 08/12/2015 08:31

She says it was a drunken ONS when we were on a break, she'd never have gone there if she hadn't been shitfaced and me and DH weren't on a break

Anotheremma her friend said it happened when they were on a break. Not her dh.

Lweji · 08/12/2015 08:39

BTW, OP, I assume you had breaks from your oh.
If that was the case, that you were on a break, why did he pay the blackmail? And why did she think he would? Weird...

APlaceOnTheCouch · 08/12/2015 08:51

What doesn't make sense is why OP's DH would have made it worse than it was by saying it happened more than once . . .

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 09:34

Sorry everyone, clearly brain doesn't work before 9am Blush

Sounds like they could both be lying. Looking forward to hearing the whole story. But whatever OW says, this is a deal breaker for me:
"he couldn't say when it started/how long it went on for/when it ended"
If after ALL this he still can't come clean and tell you the whole truth, he can fuck right off.

anonacfr · 08/12/2015 10:58

Weird that he implied it went on for a while. He has more to lose so her story would be 'better' for him.
A drunken ONS while on a break is one thing an ongoing affair is another.
And why would he pay her all this time?

The story makes even less sense.

shoeaddict83 · 08/12/2015 11:03

Been following this thread and agree with Anonacfr - why would he make it sound worse? Seems to me like OP wants to believe the OW story as its the better version, but in fact the DH is the one possibly telling a closer version of the truth.
if it was a ONS when they were on a break why would Dh say it was ongoing for a long time?
Also when did OP mention what the OW said about the blackmail? Did you question her on that and what was her response? This story make less sense the more it goes on!

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