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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

500 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 13:48

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 05/12/2015 17:13

I think you could ask her, restraining orders aren't given by police over the phone, I don't think?

But you need to bear in mind that you won't necessarily get the truth out of her either, they have both got an agenda here, his is to minimise, hers is to embellish and make it sound worse.

LIZS · 05/12/2015 17:19

Agree aye, a court order would need to be made. The truth probably lies somewhere in between, I doubt it was only all those years ago, or he would have told her where to go at some point well before now. Her abusive partner may well have been involved too.

DrMorbius · 05/12/2015 17:28

So HelenaDove & AyeAmarok you can't envisage a young guy making two genuine error's of judgement ( in his mind they may not even have been a "couple"). All you see is another cheating man.

There is an old saying; to a man (person) with a hammer every problem looks like a nail.

Fairenuff · 05/12/2015 17:32

Ah DrM that's quite sweet really. Two genuine errors you say. Bless him, the poor poppet Grin

AyeAmarok · 05/12/2015 17:53

Dr M of course it's possible.

However, 99 times out of 100 when a man (or woman) initially admits or is caught cheating, they admit to the bear minimum they think they can get away with.

But it's entirely possible that the OP's DH is the one who was honest.

But given that he has form for lying, it's always wise to try and corroborate the story somehow. Although the ExBF is probably no more reliable than he.

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 05/12/2015 18:01

I'm pointing out that technically he hasn't ever lied about this. He's never said to me 'I haven't slept with your BF and I haven't been giving her money so she doesn't tell you what's been going on.' Nor have I ever asked him if he'd slept with her and paid her money to keep quiet.

He's been deceitful, but not technically lied.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 05/12/2015 18:06

Lying big by omission is lying.

AyeAmarok · 05/12/2015 18:09

OP, come on now.

Cheating on you and not telling you is lying. He lied every day that he omitted to tell you he shagged your BF.

Hi sweetheart, what have you been up to this week?

Having sex with your best friend Oh, nothing much, just homework. You?

See, lying.

LIZS · 05/12/2015 18:10

You are minimising this now. Are you normally this easily persuaded? If so why would he need to hide it. If you'd known before you had dc with him would you have ditched him?

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 05/12/2015 18:17

If you are curious, do what APlaceOnTheCouch suggests. Just be prepared that you may never get the full story from either - chances are, he will minimize for damage limitation, she will maximize to cause as much hurt as possible. But maybe you'll get lucky and she'll have the same story.

pocketsaviour · 05/12/2015 18:23

DrM
Does anyone think that he realised what a mistake he made (sex with the BF) and loves and wanted to keep Op, so he payed the original blackmail out of some misguided hope it would all go away. Let's face it, he was a kid at the time and is not much more even now... Then when ExBF come back for more, he thinks he is caught in a trap and keeps paying. Especially if ExBF is only asking for small amounts once or twice a year. The realisation that this will not go away seems to have come when ExBF ramps up the required amount of money.

Yes, I can see exactly how that would happen and I have a lot of sympathy* with it. Teenagers are bloody stupid sometimes and a deceit, once hatched, can take on a life of its own, as I know to my own shame and regret.

I can't agree with your last point, that he did it because he loves OP so much. No, he was arse-covering, let's be realistic.

OP how do things stand now? Did you manage to talk more about this stag do thing? Have you told anyone in RL yet who you could talk it out with? I too would be tempted to contact her, but you already know she's an unscrupulous, deeply broken individual - you're not going to get the truth out of her. I would stay away from her.

*As in, I can see how it happened. Not as in, I feel sorry for him.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/12/2015 18:30

I'm not sure the distinction of 'lied to' vs 'deceived' would make much difference to me. I hope you take your time to decide what you want Cunny and don't give in to his pressure to forget it and move on. When you sweep a big issue under the carpet, it has a funny tendency to trip you up at a later date.

AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 18:36

He's been deceitful, but not technically lied.

After everything that has been done (by him) and everything that has been said here, that is your take-home message ?

Bloody hell, he is good

DrMorbius · 05/12/2015 19:08

pocketsaviour - I can't agree with your last point, that he did it because he loves OP so much. No, he was arse-covering, let's be realistic.

I can see your point PS, but why bother with the deceit and heartache if he didn't love/care for Op?

HelenaDove · 05/12/2015 19:22

Er......because if they split he would then have to do his fair share of childcare.....pay Child Support and it would also be highly likely he would have to forego things like stag dos.

HelenaDove · 05/12/2015 19:22

He was doing it for himself not the OP

FantasticButtocks · 05/12/2015 19:30

If you don't see not actually telling you the truth about some unpalatable things which were going on as lying, that's completely up to you, and maybe you are feeling a need at the moment to minimise this. Since their affair began however, you have had a dd together and married, without you being aware of the full facts. He conned you. By not coming clean about this before you did those things with him, he took away your ability to make a choice which was based on the truth about him. Very unfair. I'm sorry he did that. I think, though, if he is coming out of this as the victim in the situation rather than the perpetrator, some thinking has gone seriously awry.

Jibberjabberjooo · 05/12/2015 19:31

What AF said.

It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself.

DrMorbius · 05/12/2015 19:34

HelenaDove it was 8 years later a DC came along.

But facts like that don't matter when you have a hammer Grin

HelenaDove · 05/12/2015 19:38

Im talking about the DD the OP has with him... if they split he would have to do what i stated above. So thats why i pointed out what he had to gain by paying out money and lying.

Lacoba66 · 05/12/2015 19:41

Call it misrepresentation if that sounds better, but he knew that he was leaving out a very important fact -before- you both got married.

At that point he took away an element of choice for you. You may well have still married him, but you will now never know as you didn't know the full facts.

My personal take... He didn't do this to protect you, he did it to protect himself. How do you think he will react years down the line, when you really need his support, will he just think of himself and his wants? That is just a question OP and not a statement.

DrMorbius · 05/12/2015 20:14

Helena - Im talking about the DD the OP has with him

Yes as am I. The paying money and lying started 7-8 years ago. I have not seen the age of DC but I assume it was well before DC came along. Therefore the avoidance of child maintainance was not the driver.

springydaffs · 05/12/2015 20:23

Come on love, less of the splitting hairs. He lied. For a long long time.

I don't much like the catastrophising that's going on on here - must be so destabilising for you when you're dealing with such an immense shock. But I can't keep quiet about the deceit/lies thing.

He lied. Fudge this and you'll pay for it later. This stuff doesn't lie down and go away xx

Fairenuff · 05/12/2015 21:25

Hey OP, if it makes you feel better to think that he hasn't lied to you, then crack on. It's your life after all, none of us has to put up with it.

springydaffs · 05/12/2015 21:29

Alright then, he was living a lie if that makes it more palatable.

Probably not Sad