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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

500 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 13:48

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 04/12/2015 21:14

Agree with Fairenuff His actions over this stag do (or inaction) tells you all you need to know.

Lweji · 04/12/2015 21:28

I'd find it very strange that he was still being blackmailed all this time.
I'd be interested in what "everything" is, not simply what he has been telling you.
I can vouch for how much of a liar my ex was and many women here who have been cheated on, end up finding out that what they were told initially is a small part of what they end up finding out.
So, I'd estimate that he has told you the very minimum that he can. In all likelihood, it wasn't a small thing only when you first started and were very young. It was either more recent or much longer.

Wristy · 04/12/2015 21:35

How much money could she have gotten away with asking for?? He only told you because she got carried away and greedy.

If she had asked for 'only' £600 or £650 would he still be keeping you in the dark?

HelenaDove · 04/12/2015 21:37

He should be doing EVERYTHING he can to put this right if it can be (if it were me it would be relationship over) and that means foregoing the stag do to prove he is serious.

springydaffs · 04/12/2015 21:59

He needs to keep those texts! This is clear extortion, a criminal offence.

Siwi · 04/12/2015 22:36

Def keep the texts. I'd be scare in her place.

mathanxiety · 05/12/2015 03:49

I agree with Lweji. It doesn't look good that he has got rid of so many texts.

Is there any way you can make him give you access to all of his banking records over the years?

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 05/12/2015 06:33

All of his bank statements are kept in what we jokingly call The Filing System, it's a massive drawer filled almost to the top with years and years worth of old bills, bank statements etc. It would take days to go through everything!

OP posts:
sinber · 05/12/2015 07:09

In your place OP, I think I would want to hear what she has to say. I would contact her myself, tell her she's getting no more money and your happy to hear anything she thinks you should know about.

Lweji · 05/12/2015 07:24

Considering what's at stake I'd expect him to go through the drawer. IME it will take maybe a couple of hours.

It still wouldn't show there was nothing recently.
And talk to her

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 05/12/2015 08:29

I never ever ever say "speak to the OW", but in this case, I absolutely would.

Because I'd be strongly suspecting he was planning to move in with her and got cold feet at the last minute which is why she went batshit on him and started threatening to tell you.

He needs to prove to you that that isn't the case.

DrMorbius · 05/12/2015 09:15

Does anyone think that he realised what a mistake he made (sex with the BF) and loves and wanted to keep Op, so he payed the original blackmail out of some misguided hope it would all go away. Let's face it, he was a kid at the time and is not much more even now.

Then when ExBF come back for more, he thinks he is caught in a trap and keeps paying. Especially if ExBF is only asking for small amounts once or twice a year. The realisation that this will not go away seems to have come when ExBF ramps up the required amount of money.

Unlike others I think his paying the blackmail shows he cares about Op.

Fairenuff · 05/12/2015 11:05

At this stage it's not even definite that she was blackmailing him for years. That is just what he is saying.

They could have been having a relationship for years and she only asked for money once, as that is all he can prove at the moment.

OP if he does online bankinng, he can make a search electronically which will take minutes rather than hours. If not, he can sign up and then do it.

Alternatively, insist that he goes ahead with the prosecution and the truth will come out.

Everything he is saying and doing at the moment is too simple and just designed to put himself in the best possible light.

Looking at the facts, as he has presented them, all you really know for sure is that a) he cheated on you, b) he tried to keep it a secret from you, c) she asked for money once, d) he only told you because he had to and e) he is still going on the stag do.

If this is him trying to 'make it up to you', he is having a laugh. He doesn't respect you very much does he OP. He is certainly used to putting himself first that's for sure.

Whythehellnot · 05/12/2015 11:08

I expect her story is entirely different from his.

pissedonatrain · 05/12/2015 11:49

The story does seem a bit suspect.

The things I would want to know are:

How do you know it really was the police on the phone. It could have been one of his friends pretending.

I'd want to know exactly how long the affair went on. Since you 2 were just recently married, I wonder if they had been seeing each other all this time and the marriage triggered her wanting to tell.

I would definitely talk with the former bf to get her side of the story and I wouldn't tell DH you are going to talk to her either.

Themodernuriahheep · 05/12/2015 12:28

Cunny, Flowers

I'm with mushroom and a place.

It will take time to see your way through this. In the meantime you need to cherish yourself and ensure you get the basics for food and drink. Sleep will take longer.

I'd also see if there were a possibility if some counselling sessions just for you to get your head round what you need to know and then for both of you.

I'd also be practical and sort out that drawer in the hours you can't sleep. And check your financial position etc.

For what it's worth, the critical thing for me would be whether this affair was still continued once she began to blackmail him. I understand him not having the courage to tell you but wanting to keep you, I would feel absolutely betrayed by her, but I'd find it even harder to forgive if this were an intermittent or ongoing affair.

Trust is very difficult to rebuild. But only you can decide what the right balance is for dd and you.

Flowers
Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 05/12/2015 13:35

I'm dying to ask her. Does anyone know the legalities of me contacting her as she has been forbidden to contact us?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 05/12/2015 13:40

The incident number from when he reported it is written on the fridge notepad, even he wouldn't be thick enough to fake that.

OP posts:
WimpyArseWanks · 05/12/2015 13:52

As resisting as it is I wouldn't contact her, you cannot believe her and she could feed you a lot of shit that you don't need to hear. I'm unsure of the legalities but I contacted my EXH OW and it wasn't a good idea at all.

Fairenuff · 05/12/2015 14:00

OP it's understandable that you want to focus on her at the moment because it's a lot easier than dealing with your relationship with him. There's obviously a lot more to this than you've discovered yet.

Look at it this way. If there was no blackmailing and you had just found out that he had cheated on you, married you without telling you about it and possibly carried on an affair for years, how would you feel?

Put the blackmail issue to one side for now because that is clouding your judgement. Just focus on what he has done and decide if you can live with his dishonesty.

If you think you can, then there will be a lot more to unravel before you can even begin to try and rebuild the relationship. You would benefit from some counselling sessions on your own to work through this. He would obviously have to give up the stag do.

If not, that's fine. You don't have to have any more proof, you don't have to forgive and forget.

It's perfectly ok to say, you cheataed, you lied, I don't know what is true any more, I don't trust you, I don't believe you and I no longer want to be in a relationship with you.

Obviously you can divorce him and name her.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 05/12/2015 14:12

Has she been given a formal caution? Merely being told in an informal conversation that she shouldn't contact you, I doubt that's enforceable?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/12/2015 15:45

I do think the OW is sort of incidental but if you're even thinking about contacting her, why not call the local police, give them the incident number and ask if you're allowed to speak to her? At least then you'll be clear on whether speaking to her contravenes the advice from the police.

HelenaDove · 05/12/2015 16:35

Dr Morbiuss post reminds me of that scene from Friends where Ross runs around trying to prevent Rachel from finding out he has slept with another woman.

Rachels" sarcastic reaction "Oh God its making me fall in love with you all over again"

Is that also suppossed to be OPs reaction to the fact that he paid the money for the OP. Hmm

Aramynta · 05/12/2015 16:58

I think you need to ask her and see what she says OP

I know she might be unreliable but his story seems to scratch the surface.

Aramynta · 05/12/2015 17:02

Also DrMorbius I don't agree that he paid the OW because he cares oh-so-much ( (hmm) ) about the OP.

I think he did it because he cares more about covering his own arse than hurting Cunny

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