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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

500 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 13:48

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 03/12/2015 16:27

Yes, quite, hellsbells.

CF, I think Morris probably meant you wouldn't be back because some posters are insisting on arguing on your thread, which should actually be about supporting you.

This is about you, CF, and your life. Take your time. Feel your feelings. They are yours, and you have every right to be feeling them.

Flowers to you. And Cake.

MummyC92 · 03/12/2015 17:13

There will always be the extreme people who believe any form of infidelity is unforgivable and would leave the DH.

I haven't been in the situation but I think if I was, I would judge it on the situation. If it was a fling when you were very young and you now have a life and DC together it seems a lot to throw away, I would definitely make sure I knew he was sorry and deeply regretted it though. Hope you are doing okay Flowers

WimpyArseWanks · 03/12/2015 17:30

Hope you're okay Cunny what a shock it must be. Flowers Wine Cake

YellowTulips · 03/12/2015 18:33

Hope you are doing ok OP.

Just a reminder that whilst MN can be a good place to come for advice, on the basis of a few posts it's impossible to understand all the facets and nuances of an individual relationship.

Most people will post trying to be helpful but everyone's view (including mine) will be influenced by our own experiences, values and interpretation of what you have explicitly posted or potentially implied.

There are undoubtably some threads where LTB really is the only constructive response, but many circumstances are not that clear cut. In all honesty I could probably forgive the infidelity of a 17 year old, but I would struggle like hell to forgive the deceit that followed it and I think for me that would be an irrecoverable position.

I guess what I am saying is use this forum to get support, but always remember whatever decisions you make need to be yours and feel free to take as much time as you need to make them. Thanks

AliceInUnderpants · 03/12/2015 21:04

How are you cunny? I hope you check in again when you feel able x

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 04/12/2015 15:35

On wednesday night we ended up staying up until well gone 2am, DH ended up ringing in sick from work as there was no way he could function on 3-4hrs sleep.

We discussed a lot of things, he said it happened in the first year or so that we were together so he'll have been 17-18 and exBF would have been 16-17 (she's 9 months older than me so at this point I was 15-16). He regrets it horribly and he understands that I need lots of time to get my head around it, he says he wants to forget it, move on and start afresh with me. It hurts like hell at the moment but I guess the pain will lessen after a while.

As for Benidorm, well, Torremolinos, I forgot the plans changed. We haven't yet discussed it, I remembered about it at 2am thursday morning and mentioned it, but DH said it was too late to discuss it there and then. Which was true I suppose, I was knackered!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 04/12/2015 15:36

Oh and for those asking if we have children, DD is mentioned right at the beginning of the post.

OP posts:
Vagabond · 04/12/2015 15:40

Great that you are talking and sorting this out between you. He was just a kid when this happened. I'd forgive and move on with strength. You have a lot to live for together. Make it work if you can, the rewards will be great if you can. x

JonesTheSteam · 04/12/2015 15:52

Wishing you all the best OP, hope it all works out for you.

NameChange30 · 04/12/2015 16:34

"He was just a kid when this happened."
He hasn't been a kid all the time he's been paying her to keep quiet, though. He's been an official adult for many years now, and he married her without coming clean.

Why are you pressuring the op to forgive and stay with him? Surely it's her decision as to whether she wants to work through it or not.

magoria · 04/12/2015 16:39

Too late to discuss the stag do? Surely all it needed was an 'I am not going of course'? Discussion over.

A discussion implies he sees no problems with him still going.

IamlovedbyG · 04/12/2015 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fairenuff · 04/12/2015 17:19

DH said it was too late to discuss it there and then

So he is going to argue that he should go then. I thought as much. People who are selfish like him really don't change. Sorry OP.

mintoil · 04/12/2015 17:31

he wants to forget it Yeah - he wants you to forget it OP. But you don't just have his infidelity and betrayal to forget, you have YEARS of lies.

You couldn't ever trust him again surely?

LIZS · 04/12/2015 17:31

The teenage relationship is one thing, but why the ongoing need to pay her off ?

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 04/12/2015 18:05

LIZS she has been blackmailing him for years, every time she needed a bit of extra cash she'd text him and ask him for more money and he'd pay up, worried that she would tell me if he didn't. He hasn't been randomly giving her money, she's been forcing it out of him.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 04/12/2015 18:14

She hasn't been forcing it out of him OP. He chose to pay rather than tell you the truth.

How do you feel about that?

NameChange30 · 04/12/2015 18:16

"She hasn't been forcing it out of him OP. He chose to pay rather than tell you the truth."

EXACTLY.

At some point he could have used his brain, realised that a brief affair while still teenagers is pretty forgivable, and had the balls to just tell you about it.

Instead, he was an idiot and a coward. He paid her to protect himself so he could keep lying to you. That would kill it for me.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 04/12/2015 18:24

TheCunnyFunt have you been able to talk to anyone in RL about this? It's normal for your DH to want to move on and forget about it but although that's the easiest path for him, it won't help you to come to terms with it. You need to take time (because only then can you decide if this is fixable or not). Someone in RL can help you to take that time. Or you could try individual counselling if you don't want to discuss it with someone you know.

MushroomMama · 04/12/2015 18:24

He's been an idiot and a coward and he's paid a heavy heavy price money and emotionally wise. This woman has been twisted in what she's done but by going by what you've said about her past maybe she thinks this is totally normal way to behave? Who knows? You've taken the right steps to prevent it going on anymore.

Your marriage has taken a hit. The Ltb comments are always unhelpful in my view. Only time will tell what conclusion you both come too would relationship counselling help?

FlowersCakeWine for you

LineyReborn · 04/12/2015 18:26

He's still going on the stag do, though?

springydaffs · 04/12/2015 18:39

People make terrible mistakes then compound them to cover them up. People can get into a terrible mess.

He was young, she is known to be very manipulative (it takes a certain type to actually go through with financial blackmail!).

I'm not excusing him, he has been a PRIZE idiot, but I can see how this happened. The timing of him telling you is totally shit. Mistakes aren't necessarily scripted, he may have just come to an exhausted end.

Ach i'm sounding sympathetic. I don't know him, you do - as much as anyone can know somebody. I'm so sorry you're faced with this Flowers

APlaceOnTheCouch · 04/12/2015 18:45

Yeah, but you know one of the first questions a counsellor would ask - where's the OP in all this? All these posts about her DH; about her BF; sorry to be blunt but actually the OP needs to think about what she wants and how she feels. Her DH and BF are more than capable of looking after and thinking of themselves. Only once the OP has got in touch with her needs and feelings about this can she even think about how to move on.

magoria · 04/12/2015 20:36

Has she been saying give me £££ or I will tell Cunny or has she been saying I am in a fix can you give me £20?

Did he read into it that she would tell you and she just thought he was a helpful good mate?

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 04/12/2015 21:09

Yes Magoria, she has. He'd deleted all her past messages but he showed me the few he got the weekend he told me. The most obvious blackmailing one was something like 'Just give me the 700 and I'll find a house that doesn't need a guarantor or I'll tell Cunny everything.' A bit later on it was 'Have you got my money or have you told her yet?' And then on monday morning he got one saying 'You've got until 1pm or I'm going to tell Cunny AND her mum everything.'

OP posts: