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Original poster

My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

620 replies

worriedgran57 · 28/11/2015 22:46

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

OP posts:
TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 29/11/2015 00:14

Think of things from her point of view. She's never going to get in the good books with you, is she, because she misled your son, got pregnant & has deprived him of his opportunity to go to Oxford or Cambridge. She's careful about her child being around animals she doesn't know very well, which you've taken as a personal insult, and she chooses to co-sleep (this was the only way DH & I managed to get any sleep when our DD was a baby). She also wants her partner to help with the financial burden of raising their child. FWIW, I really wish I'd waited a few years to go to uni, instead of going at 19 as I'd no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Is there actually anything she can do that would make you happy? What does your son want to do? Have you asked him?

M4blues · 29/11/2015 00:14

But that's what grandparents do. They look after their baby grandchildren to allow the child's parents to sleep/eat/go out alone for a couple of hours.

definitelybutter1 · 29/11/2015 00:14

What do you think would be a good reason for you to babysit?

Gowgirl · 29/11/2015 00:15

Actually that is exactly how babysitting works....

DixieNormas · 29/11/2015 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
worriedgran57 · 29/11/2015 00:15

The health visitor has never been to my house, why would she? She goes to the girlfriend's parents house where she is living right now. Her parents have been supportive of her, they think it is all my son's fault, They are nice enough people but they think their daughter can do no wrong. She is practically an only child she has one much older sister.

my son didn't apply for UCAS straight away because he wasn't sure where he wanted to go and was planning a gap year first, so he had no conditional offers.

OP posts:
Crazypetlady · 29/11/2015 00:16

I am sorry but if not babysitting when convinent for the parents what is the point?

OhNoWhatAmIGoingToDoNow · 29/11/2015 00:17

I want to babysit my grandchild, just not when it is convenient for both his parents to go out when they fancy it!! as everyone has been saying they are parents now, that isn't how it works

That is exactly how it works. What bloody planet are you on?

Grandparents the whole world over babysit for the grandkids so the parents can go out and spend time together.

Sorry but you're bonkers Confused

M4blues · 29/11/2015 00:17

Oh the utter irony of your last post. They think she can do no wrong! Grin

DonkeyOaty · 29/11/2015 00:17

Oh gosh what a pickle Flowers

Decide4Yourself · 29/11/2015 00:17

So he must have taken his resist in May this year. Did he manage to improve his grades? You mention that his girlfriend 'seems to want him to get a job' which implies he doesn't have a job. Shock

What on earth has been doing for the last 18 months. I know he did his 'resits' but that can't be it surely. Confused

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 29/11/2015 00:18

So you want to babysit, but not to help them out so they can spend time together & maintain a smidgen of a normal life? Teen parents very often lose friends because they aren't able to maintain social contact & have little in common with their peers.

ghostspirit · 29/11/2015 00:18

ah sorry i misunderstood...

they think their daughter can do no wrong you come across as the same though op with your son...

definitelybutter1 · 29/11/2015 00:18

Do you actually care about your grandchild? Do you want to see them?

Bambooshoots14 · 29/11/2015 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
worriedgran57 · 29/11/2015 00:18

I just think it is unfair that nobody has thought of my son in this. he was a teenager like his girlfriend, he had his life disrupted and now he is a parent too. OK, as a mother I might feel resentful of her and I will try hard to get close to her, I really will. But why did my young teenage son not get supprted in this too?It is double standards

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 29/11/2015 00:19

Apologies I've misread the baby was born in "Autumn" for "August".

I don't really understand what you wanted to school to do when your son was already on study leave so the teachers wouldn't have been seeing him anyway. Did anyone from the school's pastoral care team contact you?

M4blues · 29/11/2015 00:20

I'm beginning to think this is real and you're just a raving fruitcake! But as its 20 past midnight I'm off to bed. I wonder if this will still be here tomorrow.

usual · 29/11/2015 00:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SewingAndCakes · 29/11/2015 00:20

I'm sorry but you sound like the MIL from hell. It must have been a shock to become a grandparent when your son was quite young, but it's happened now and you need to get over the negative feelings toward the girlfriend and start building a decent relationship with her. Stop trying to control everything and support them both.

Original poster
worriedgran57 · 29/11/2015 00:20

he did his resits, he was unemployed for a while too, then he got a full time job but it only lasted a month. He did bring up his grades, he isn't sure what he wants to do now because he thinks he has to get a job then go to university later

OP posts:
definitelybutter1 · 29/11/2015 00:20

What about the child - the baby? How is the baby doing? Does your son care about the child?

SiegeofEnnis · 29/11/2015 00:20

So - ignoring all the other major issues like characterising the mother of your grandchild as some kind of teenage temptress ensnaring your innocent, brilliant son - you are specifically saying you will only babysit when your DS and his partner don't want to go out for an evening? Are you planning to punish them forever?

Jux · 29/11/2015 00:21

You could have found other ways to support him though, couldn't you? A counsellor ot something. He could have told his teachers without telling them who he had impregnated. Yeah, they'd have known or guessed, but they wouldn't have said anything.

Why can't you babysit and let them go off for a coffee? That's hardly living the high-life, is it? They're not going clubbing until 3am.

I wouldn't be too happy about leaving my baby in a smelly house with a lot of animals, especially when the person who would be babysitting thinks my worries are ridiculous, thus making herself seem untrustworthy. Despite that, she is willing to make the effort to leave her baby with you for a short time, but you throw that in her face and refuse.

Your son needs to get a job and behave like an adult. He is a dad and can't keep hiding behind your skirts. Yes, in the long-run it will be better if he gets his degree done and whatever comes after, but until both families are prepared to help, financially and emotionally and practically, he'll just have to clean floors or pack goods or whatever, probably on NMW.

If he's lucky he'll get to Uni when he's older. If you really want him to go now, you'll have to be prepared to help fund him, so they can get a flat together and pay for sitters while they attend lectures.

It's not impossible. My best friend's son and his gf were in the same boat, only both were the same age, 17, about to take A levels. He gave up the place he was offered at a RG Uni, and they found a Uni which would take both of them, several hundred miles from their families though. They found a flat, they both had pt jobs and worked at different times so one could be home with the baby. They couldn't swap lectures about, so they had sitters for that. It was exhausting for both of them. Both families helped financially a lot, but it was a very hard time for them. They've been married about 15 years, have 4 children, both have very good jobs and have made a very happy family.

It is possible, but you have to be on board too.

Gowgirl · 29/11/2015 00:22

Fathers just don't get the same level of support, that is your job!
He did not carry the baby, give birth to the baby, feed the baby etc...

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