My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

[worriedgran57]

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

I agree with the other posters. Your son needs to take responsibility and you need to let them get on with it.

Your son got a minor pregnant - if this was my DD I would have pressed charges against him. Count yourself lucky that her parents didn't.

Your son obviously isn't as intelligent as YOU think he is.

This young lady is managing being a parent to your grandchild as best she can and you are criticising her.

6 cats and 3 dogs- you don't want to hear what I have to say about this!

Also they were both stupid, but my son thought she couldn't get pregnant!

Why not?

I don't want them to get their own place, they have no money and are far too young, it would end in tears!

They would learn.

Your ds obviously should get a job and provide for his child.
But I think something is peculiar here

That's a whole lot of pets round your house! They must eat loads! Dont give in to these babysitting demands! Coffee is a luxury these folk can ill afford!

I wouldn't have let my newborn baby sleep in a house full of dogs either.
Poor kid, she was 15 and your son got her pregnant. He was quite a bit older. Did you not teach him about contraception? You seem to think that she has somehow done this on her own, and yet your son should be free to go to uni and have the same life he would have had without a child. Well, that is something they need to work out between them.
If my son got a 15 year old pregnant I would be putting the responsibility squarely on him. And on myself for not hammering home that if you have sex you can become a parent.
Now he, and you, need to deal with it.

He needs to take responsibility for his child - he can go to university as a mature student when baby is older, surely?

I keep the dogs in the kitchen, most of the cats live outside and we have lot of land. We have a husky who can be hard work but she goes in the crate when baby is here!

I don't dislike my son's girlfriend but she is hard work, and I find it hard to bond with her, she is very independant and seemed to mature very early! None of my children are like that, they have always been happy to stay at home and potter around! She isn't a bad girl just not what I am used to

I wouldn't want my baby in a house with that many animals either.

Of course the school prioritised her. She was a 15yo knocked up by an adult.

I don't watch violent TV, and wouldn't stay in the room where it was on. She isn't even old enough to watch an 18 movie yet.

Your son should be working to support his child. It's not your place to tell him he shouldn't be playing 'happy families'. He is someones dad now, not a wee boy.

They really need your support rather than your judgement. I know it must be so hard and I really feel for all of you.

Strengthening your bond with the girlfriend might be a good starting point? I don't have any experience of this though so ignore me if I'm talking rubbish.

So to summarise your DS got his underage girlfriend pregnant.
He is bright but immature
She went out having fun until the ungodly hour of 11pm whilst pregnant
She co sleeps
She won't let the baby sleep amongst animals
Your house is smelly and not clean
You blame her for everything.

You sound vile. Why not let them go out and have a coffee and babysit for them? Being a grandparent IS about helping out your child and bonding with your Grandson. Why don't you get your head out of yours sons arse and be realistic, this is his responsibility too.

Your son had unprotected sex with an underage girl?

I have a son and had a bowl of condoms available, not sure he ever took them but he was very aware of the need to use them.

He got her pregnant, and you don't want him to take responsibility for that?
She didn't get pregnant on her own, dodgy periods or not - condoms are a great invention.
At 17 I went on holiday with friends my mum didn't know, I also went out on a night and used the train. These are not careless things at her age.
As the owner of 2 cats I would never leave them alone with my baby, they're rescues and friendly but you never know!
I think your boy is immature for his age because he's not been allowed to take responsibility for his actions, and has a mother who refuses to help him. It sounds like he's trying to build a relationship with her but you tell him he 'can't play happy families because of his education' yet in the same breath won't babysit because 'that not what being a parent is about?!'
Your disappointment comes across in waves in your post, so I can imagine in reality it's killing him

If this is real there's so much wrong with this. Are you blaming her for getting pregnant at 15 to an older man? You do know it's illegal to sleep with a 15 year old. I have a toddler, she wouldn't sleep in a room with dogs. She also would have been out last month in a pushchair in a coat and thin blanket. As for her going places on the bus? How terrible of her!!

Ok, there's quite a lot there that really isn't the girlfriends fault.

1. Your DS should have used condoms. That's an absolute basic in preventing pregnancy.
2. He can make his own decision on work/university. He's an adult now.
3. They're parents. He has no choice but to "play happy families" as he's a father now. That baby is now number one priority, or should be, in his life.
4. She's allowed to go out and take trains? In her mid-late teens? non-issue.
5. Nothing wrong with taking a baby on a bus, I did that. I also chose to co-sleep. There's nothing screaming lack of stability there.
6. I wouldn't be comfortable with animals I don't know around a newborn either. Not unsupervised with a sleeping baby. That isn't an insult to you.
7. Babysitting while they have coffee hardly shows them going off to have fun and take no responsibility. She probably thinks you would like to babysit for a short while. Say no if it bothers you.

So, in short, leave your DS to sort his own life out. Be there to support but don't tell him what to do.

He thought she couldn't get pregnant because she has wonky periods?

Don't actually know why I'm wasting my time with this thread really.

she was sixteen wether she thought she could get pregnant or not she did ,i thought i would have trouble conceiving at 32 and married we were trying for a baby but because i had polyystic ovaries i thought it would take forever it took five weeks! the point i,m trying to make was your son should have used protection too!

She doesn't sound like the one who is hard work...

Then you should have done a better job when teaching him about sex and contraception. You know what he did was illegal right? She was underage.

There is so much wrong with your post, I don't know where to start.

I think your choice here is to either feel all righteous and that your DS was somehow hard done by, or protect your longterm relationship with your son and grandson.

If the girlfriend is as mature as you say she is, she may well opt to not see you at all and that would mean not seeing the baby.

Blimey OP, cut this poor girl some slack.

Like it or not, she will be in your life for the foreseeable future - bearing a GC and all that.

Your DS should work to support his child, thems the breaks when you have unprotected sex.

Ok, if this is real, a few points to consider:
Your son didn't just have unprotected sex, he had sex with an underage girl.
Your grandson sleeps in the same bed as his mother - yes, lots of people do co-sleeping.
She isn't keen on the baby being in a room with 6 cats and 3 dogs - can't say I blame her.
They seem to be doing their best in a tough situation, maybe be a bit more supportive of solutions that will help all three of them, rather than just your son?
Lastly, lay off the exclamation marks.