My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

[worriedgran57]

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

Nice one MNHQ very quick there

The idea that the mother of the child is getting off lightly because she's managing to go to school and then look after a small child full time with no help from the childs father.

Give your head a wobble OP and have a serious think about things.

I feel a bit sorry for tree.
Nothing to do of an evening except rather lame trolling on a parenting site and yet planning to do the same thing tomorrow too

There should be an outreach programme or something. That does sound like the saddest life ever.

And I'm a big meanie that reported him so early on

Tree was hoping MN would be sleeping and give him longer to have fun wasn't he?

Poor Tree didn't even get the chance to have fun on here. Bless his/her cotton socks.

OP - not sure if this has been said as I've not had time to read the whole thread, but for the sakes of your younger DC's: Your only response to the various queries on your DS's lack of understanding about sex education seemed to be that you told him it was best to wait until marriage to have sex. Well blimey. That's a mostly totally unrealistic prospect. You'd do much better to explain legalities (don't have sex with minors) and condoms, which aren't just to prevent pregnancy but to protect from STD's. Even if she had said she couldn't get pregnant (I don't believe she did? I believe your son told you that to pass the blame as he is immature) he should have been wearing one to protect against disease. But if you're taking the no sex outside marriage line I doubt you've informed him of all this.

^Even if she had said she couldn't get pregnant (I don't believe she did? I believe your son told you that to pass the blame as he is immature) ^

Neither do I, I find the idea that she "manipulated" him completely ridiculous, the girl who was determined to go to uni and was terrified about the whole school finding out about her pregnancy got pregnant intentionally at 15?! To get what out of it?

Everything else has been said. I find it continually jarring though that for Op her son's delaying uni (which he was gonna do anyway before any pregnancy through having a gap year- to do what exactly) through becoming a father equals ruining his life forever.

Well I strongly suspect he learned the art of passing the blame ("but mum, she TOLD me she couldn't get pregnant, she did!") from his mother, so I can't blame him for that. For unprotected sex with a minor I can. Even if the only sex education he got from his mother was "its best not to have sex until you're married", he'd have to be pretty bloody thick and lead an extremely sheltered life to not be aware of the consequences.

On further reading of this thread, I cannot think of any young girl, with just a couple of years (or less) of periods behind her, would state that she didn't think she could get pregnant. I mean, as I said before..I am assuming she hasn't been TRYING to get pregnant, so what does she base it on?

Again, on further reading, and knowing a little more about the "father" I think he wanted a shag, persuaded the girl to let him go "bareback" saying she wouldn't get pregnant, or he'd pull out ... completely manipulating her into having unprotected sex!

Sorry op, but that is usually how it happens. Yes, you do get girls who want a baby & are manipulative, but I don't think this is what happened here!

I believe this thread, I just don't believe it happened the way op has been told/believes.

However, it sounds as if the GF is using the baby as a tool to manipulate the DS into making life choices that are in no-one's long-term interest. Hmm, how do you work that out? He isn't making any life choices, just sitting on his arse and seeing his child less than 2 days a week.

The more I read this thread , the more I admire the GFs parents

Well according to this OP your son is a sex offender. A 17yo having sex with a 15yo is an offence. So he's lucky he got away with it, not to late for her parents to press charges I guess. You maybe ought to be a bit nicer to the girl who your son committed an offence against.

*According to the Sexual Offences Act 2003, it’s a criminal offence for any kind of sexual activity to take place between two people where one or both participants is under 16. Remember that laws differ round the world – this article only tells you about the law in the UK.

The law applies to men, women, gay, lesbian or straight in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. A similar law exists in Scotland.

If you are charged with having sex with someone under age, the likelihood is you’ll be given caution, or a fine, and put on the Sex Offenders Register for one year if you’re under 18 (two years if you’re over 18), and that’s not somewhere you want your name to be*

The legalities, including the likelihood of prosecution when near-aged teenagers when both consenting (in fact, if not in law) has been discussed at length earlier in the thread. In the absence of coercion/exploitation, this would not be prosecuted.

For those saying the girl must have been manipulative, can I repeat the exact words in the OP: She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant

There is nothing to suggest she did anything than mention period problems. The assumptions all came from him.

Auntie the only one saying the girl is manipulative seems to be the OP

Sometimes it is prosecuted and through work I've seen it done. Same ages as those mentioned here and no coercion. The 17yo did end up on the sex offenders register, I believe her parents pushed for a prosecution.

I was thinking of comments such as "ultimately she lied to the OPs son by implying she couldn't get pregnant" (not from OP)

Op is not the only one who's said the gf is manipulative.

I also DO NOT believe that, but do believe it's entirely possible HE manipulated HER into going bareback which is really despicable!

If I were in the ops position (though I really don't think I would be as I'd have drummed proper sex ed and responsibilities into any son of mine AND he'd know if he messed up he'd be expected to step up!) I'd be

Kicking my sons arse to get a job and pay maintenance and spend time with HIS CHILD

Sorting my house so it's welcoming for gf and MY GRANDCHILD

babysitting as much as possible

Making damn sure my younger kids knew that son had fucked up but that I loved my grandchild

If I were the gf mother(again hoping the sex ed I've drummed into my almost 15 yr old dd means I won't be)

I'd be insisting ops son be prosecuted!

I'd be insisting my daughter claimed cm

I'd be supporting my daughter and gc but while expecting support from ops side of family too!

Be calling/texting ops son daily to lick his arse into getting a job!

No way would he be sleeping over or my dd sleeping over at his!

Argh not lick but kick his arse ew!

Ultimately she lied to the OPs son by implying she couldn't get pregnant. Why? If she genuinely didn't want to get pregnant she would have told him to put a condom on. The fact she made out her periods were a problem hints that she didn't care if she got pregnant or maybe actually wanted to. It does happen. She isn't some sort of hero here. Please bear in mind that all we have is op's version, which is what she was told by her lazy dead beat son.

I mean, he had sex with a minor, without a condom. Hardly shows a responsible attitude does it?

As far as I'm concerned to have sex is a big responsibility, especially when not using protection! It would surprise me if he talked her into it 'oh you won't get pregnant' or probably even suggested pulling out. Although I don't know the facts so ignore that!

Either way if he's responsible enough to have sex he should be responsible enough to man up and be a dad and sorry but OP needs to back the fuck off.

I was told at 16 I couldn't have kids, various reasons. I'm now 25 and had my first period (I was told it wasn't a period it was due to my issues) last November I gave birth in September.. these things happen I'm afraid.

I can't see many teenage lads once again sorry generalising being manipulated into having unprotected sex especially by a girl who seems to want to do something with her life and provide a good life for her child.

It doesn't matter whether she lied about not being able to get pregnant or not, the fact is he is responsible for his health and his sperm!

Unless he was her gynaecologist at the time, he could not be 100% certain she wouldn't get pregnant.

Did he stupidly take the word of a child as 100% accurate?

He was a fool if this is true but I suspect that like many young people they had sex on the spur of the moment when given the chance to be alone and didn't think about the consequences.

I doubt the op will return and if all her monstrous behaviour towards the girl and her grandchild is true she will dismiss all of us and carry on behaving unkindly and will end up even more bitter than she already is.

I know this was a few pages ago but

Off topic but - I assume none of the posters who are raising the op's sons age versus his girlfriends had sex before they were 16, then?

I did, I had a baby the 17 (almost 18) year old ended up in a youth detention centre.

Give him his dues he came out having taken several parenting courses alongside paediatric first aid and other things inside the center and the very first thing he did on his release was arange to see me and my parents without his because they are arses and a social worker from the YOT or what ever it was called back then, and set up a co parenting plan. With in 14 days of leaving the center he had a job and started paying me 30% of his salary without even being asked to.

He religiously stuck to it took responsibility for it and accepted the need for the SW supervision plan, he co operated with me and with all support services and over 20 years later is a fantastic father and grandfather.

We never got back together the initial power dynamics were so unbalanced that it would have been far to weird

NeedsAsockamnesty What a good outcome and a great credit to him and to you.

Thank you, I personally attribute it to the great SW who really was a diamond and the reason why I later trained as a SW myself.

Combined with both of us being able to do what was right for our child