My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

[worriedgran57]

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

of course I love my grandchild, but I am not allowed to care for him because his mother thinks our house is dirty and dangerous!

You knew you were pregnant straight away. I did too, by that doesn't mean every woman does. Some women get no symptoms and genuinely do not know, sometimes don't stop having periods in the early stages.

And the school put her above the teenager who made her pregnant because she was pregnant. She is the one who will expected by most people to look after the baby. Everyone from her in laws to the health visitor will assume that she is feeding and caring for the baby, even if the father does an equal share of feeding/nappy changing and general caring. And that's after her body has supported a growing baby and given birth or had major surgery.

And I agree, sounds like he hadn't grown up and possibly because growing up hasn't been on the agenda.

op. it does not sound like you have been supportive of the girl. yes your son was a teenager. and you have some empathy about how he may have felt and what was going on for him at the time. but you dont have any empathy for the girl who was a teenager to. but a younger teenager... so how on earth do you think she was feeling. you should be supporting them both equally. the baby is here not point in blaming anymore.

I suppose I do feel resentful of her, I feel she tricked my son. He said she told him she couldn't have children, of course he trusted her! Like I said he is immature for his age and very trusting. I know she is younger, but she has always been the one in control!

Oh for goodness sake. How many fifteen year olds even have the vaguest awareness of whether they can have children or not, when most of them have not yet tried?

And even if she did say that, what sort of idiot was your son to believe her, without questioning it? Just because she may have had 'trouble' with her periods, (whatever that's supposed to mean) it means jack shit when making assumptions about her fertility at only 15 years old.

Either your son is very stupid (and probably not Oxbridge material at all) or you are a liar.

Also, if he was doing his A levels and you 'hoped' he'd go to Oxbridge, had he not already applied and been made an offer? Because if so, I find it hard to believe that he actually failed his exams to the point where he had to re-sit rather than just go to a different uni. That doesn't add up.

The disruption your son may have experienced is insignificant compared to the disruption of being pregnant at 15.

Aww, mummy's wickle soldier needs to put his big boys pants on and provide for his child, not hide behind you.

And yes it is his fault she got pregnant. You appear to be blind to the fact that teenage boys are horndogs at the best of times. In fact, you remind me of the person I got my cat from. She bought two kittens, brother and sister, didn't let them outside and wondered how the female kitty got pregnant.

Jux thank you for the advice, that sounds like a good idea. I will tell my son

Given that this girl wants to go to university, I think it's very unlikely that she deliberately tricked your son into becoming a father. Even if she had done this, your son would still be responsible for his own actions in not wearing a condom.

Can you see that your involvement in this situation is making you a bit biased? You are blaming her and saying she's too mature, while excusing your son from not wearing a condom and sleeping with someone much younger because he's 'immature'. It's highly unlikely that this mature 15 year old saw your poor, innocent, babyish son as easy prey, you know. What is much more likely is that she genuinely thought that things weren't working perfectly with her cycle and assumed she would have a lot of trouble getting pregnant. Young women's magazines talk a lot about infertility and conditions that are linked to it, and teenagers' cycles are often naturally irregular. Amd your son was careless in not getting to the bottom of exactly what she was saying. I bet, if you questioned him closely, it would turn out that he hadn't really asked too many questions about the infertility. With all due respect to you, it would be a very convenient thing for a seventeen year old boy to hear!

You say that your son is not a man and in some ways I do agree. However, he is far, far more 'a man' than this girl is 'a woman', at least in the eyes of the law. Your son was wrong to sleep with her and really, he should have known that. Rather than blaming her for everything, perhaps you need to think about the inadequate sexual ethics teaching that this boy of yours has received. He doesn't seem to know much about how to conduct himself and if the reason is immaturity, it's his parents who are responsible, not the girl.

If you don't have cats and dogs, going into a house where there are lots of them does feel very smelly and unclean. If you notice the smell, it's probably much stronger for her. Perhaps you can remember having a tiny baby and feeling like you wanted to protect it from every spec of germs and dust and danger. It's not a reflection on what she thinks of you at all.

Many grans on gransnet (where you'd fit in better but where there would be sympathy and no answers) complain bitterly about not being asked to babysit by their daughters in law. You are throwing her invitation back in her face and basically saying you've no interest in her son. It looks likeyou're trying to punish her for having a problem with your house, to be honest.

How is this girl - who you have admitted is very nice in many ways and not a bad mummy at all - supposed to like you? Just how?

Here is something you need to know. One day you will almost certainly have a yearning to be close to your grandson. You will remember refusing to look after him and it will hurt you deeply. Second thing you need to know. At the moment, your anxiety is causing you to point the finger at the girl in ways that are a bit unfair to say the least. It doesn't feel like it's doing any damage now. But it may be doing more damage to the relationship between you and your son than you think. If you push this girl away now, you may find there is a gulf between you and your son and grandchild in years to come.

Lastly, you are putting your son first and good for you. But doesn't your grandson deserve to be someone's son as well, to have a dad who puts him first and plans a good life for him offering stability and opportunities? The arrival of this baby is a complete game changer. You son may be able to go to university, but everything will still be different. Yes, it would probably be better to have a degree than go straight into full-time employment, but what is the child (and his mother) going to do for the next five years? This is why people don't usually choose to have children at this stage of their lives. Giving small children the care that they need is impossible alongside a 'normal' teenage/further education life.

Everything is very fragile now - the new parent's identities as parents and their futures. There are big issues - whether they will manage to make enough money to eat and have a warm home. Whether they'll ever be able to train for a better job. Whether they'll make it, individually and together, through the most stressful and challenging time of their lives. And most of all, this is a critical time for the baby, who is learning so fast and desperately needs a home with two committed parents with the time, energy, peace of mind and maturity to be all that he needs. If you will only put your own hurt teelings to one side, you could become their best alley. You said you don't want them to get away with this, but actually, getting away with it (i.e., as little damage to anyone) is very much the goal. (Actually what really would be getting away with it in an unforgivable way is if your son tried to go to uni and more or less get on as if this baby was his partner's problem. Pray you haven't raised a boy like this!).

I know that emotionally you've been dragged through a hedge backwards, but you need to step up now and play the long game. Don't sweat the small stuff and accept what you can't change. She doesn't want the cot in the living room? Fine! Hold your tongue - you might as well. They want to go for coffee? Stop trying to punish them and say you'd love to babysit, you know you would. She's bringing the baby over? Make sure you are at home. Otherwise it looks like you're rejecting both of them which could be received by your son as a rejection of him. He's thinking about taking a year out to work? Let him know, briefly, what you think. Put forward any way that you can support him with whatever he chooses to do. Encourage him to talk about how he's feeling. Don't push in the opposite direction from his partner. And let him make his mind up. He's a father now. He may or may not have the maturity to make his family 'happy', but he has most certainly got a family and will need to consider it first in all things.

It's very different being pregnant when you are expecting it and being pregnant when you think you can't possibly be. There are grown adults who don't realise until late on. There are people who never get sick, some never put onweight. It happens. Move on.

Honestly the best thing you can do is stop focusing on the past. It is DONE.

My honest advice is:
Step One - Forget the past and the blame and the what ifs. Let go of the bitterness and stress it brings.

Step Two - Get your lounge child friendly. That means minimal animals and no animal hairs/smells. She will then likely relax as she did before when she brings the baby over. 9 animals would be incredibly overwhelming for a baby aside from anything else. Vast majority of parents, including pet owners, won't leave animals with babies. I can see why she can't relax which in turn is making you nervous. Help her relax then you can as well.

Step Three - Stop going out when she visits. How can you bond with your grandson if you go out when she brings him over? You say she obstructs you but admit you go out when she's over and won't babysit, even for a couple of hours in the afternoon. What else do you expect her to do?

Step Four - Offer support not condemnation.

Step Five - Accept that Oxbridge is likely a dream. There are so many ways to do university. Part time courses and distance learning mean they could do university together in a year or two. There is NO shame in that. A degree is a degree as far as most employers are concerned.

Step Six - Talk with them through options and support them in making choices but DON'T dictate.

They will find a way I promise. They need love , understanding and support. Offer that and things will improve, fast. Your husband needs to do the same. He needs to stop blaming himself. It is done. Move on and plan ahead. If you need help doing this talk to your gp about counselling. Letting go will change your life.

There really isn't a crime of statutory rape in the uk. There is unlawful sex with a minor and sexual activity with a child under 13. No such thing as statutory rape.

Op, you fucked up, you didn't teach your son to take care of his own sexual health and reproductive capacity. That's on you and his father, equally. Now the horse has bolted so bloody deal with it.

we were told by one of his teachers when he was younger that he could be oxbridge material, the teacher raved about him. He wanted to go himself. He could have done a lot better in his exams but he has had all this stress since before he sat them!

This is probably a waste of my time but OP it doesn't matter how nice you think your dogs/cats are.
My parents have a lovely dog. And one time when he was hurt he bit the person trying to help him. Never before or since. And a friend recently had surgery and came close to losing a finger after his jack russell snapped when trying to pull a stone out of his paw. Again, that was a dog that I would have said was well trained and well behaved. But they're animals and they're going to react the only way they know when they feel threatened.

If you carry on you will never have to babysit - you will be lucky to ever see your grandchild.

Go on, what exactly is a good enough reason for you to babysit?

If he was "just finishing his exams" and doing well enough to consider Oxbridge, then he must have done his resit this June? How did they go? Is the girlfriend still studying?

You need to make up your mind, really. Either you support your son and his girlfriend in furthering their education by helping out where you can, or you tell them BOTH to get on with it themselves, and encourage your son to look for a full time job. There is no reason at all why you should be incredulous at the audacity of the girlfriend for wanting to go to university (but, but she has a child now!!!) when you are determined for your son to do the same thing (newsflash - so does he).

Frankly, she sounds a very committed mother with a sensible attitude towards caring for the baby. And you sound obstructive and immensely bitter. Your daughter will be learning from this too. Do you want her to learn that you can be relied on to be supportive, or that girls who get pregnant when they are not married are dirty little tramps who manipulate their hard done by boyfriends? So if she ever gets in an awkward predicament don't coming running to you....

I just think it is unfair that nobody has thought of my son in this. he was a teenager like his girlfriend, he had his life disrupted and now he is a parent too. OK, as a mother I might feel resentful of her and I will try hard to get close to her, I really will. But why did my young teenage son not get supprted in this too?It is double standards

Who is supposed to think of your son, and what do you want them to do for him?

I understand you are resentful and disappointed and frustrated for him, I would be too. I am just not sure what you think anyone else should be 'doing' about it. Or can do. In what way does he need support?

You know when posters on mumsnet post you sound lovely and you think what a twatty thing to say... Well in this case it's totally apt. Op you sound lovely and I wish I was your friend

So he has worked one month out of the last 18 months

That's a long time of not knowing what he wants to do now

thank you for the post blythe and sebastian, that is helpful and I will read it again

I just can't get past feeling so angry for my son. i know none ofnyou know him or his girlfriend, but she really does know what she is doing whereas he was always so focused on his studies, and yes he was stupid but she wasn;t an innocent either, and it's hard for a mother to see a child suffer like this

*

They've been a couple for at least 2 years now, surely that shoW's more maturity than you give him credit for??

Do you want your son to have regular contact with his child?

well obviously I would babysit in an emergency. But right now I think it is important for my son to concentrate on his education and what he is going to do next, not go out with his girlfriend. At the end of the day they have got into enough trouble from being together.

op do you want them to seperate?

Of course I want my son to have contact with his child. It's just so awkward for him, and nobody seems to get that. I know it must have been hard for his girlfriend, but her mum babysits the baby while she is at school, so she can still get her studying done then be with the baby when she gets home. If my son ends up working, that will be him stuck and he may not be able to go to university for years. I understand why everyone has rallied round his girlfriend but like I said it's double standards, he needs to think of his life too