My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

[worriedgran57]

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

Sorry Tony I wasn't expecting you to explain to me, a stranger, not living your life. I totally understand doing what's best for your family.. I just can't imagine being in your situation and making the same choices. I meant no offence

I am sick of the attitudes to young mothers, I am not as young as your sons girlfriend admittedly but I would still be classed a younger mum. We aren't all bad! She sounds like she is trying her best and doing really well.

The comment about the walk in the cold seems like a mistake of a mother any age to be honest. I was all over the place with ds clothes not wanting to overheat or under heat him.

You should be kinder towards her. It was your sons doing also. I have pets if my baby has a nap and I nap I will shut them out.

Also a lot of people think they can't conceive and do the baby is here now, I have stopped all contact with my MIL she can no longer see me or ds. I would not blame her if she did the same.

I didn't say they shouldn't have sex before marriage, but i did say it was best, exactly because of this sort of situation! Of course I'm not going to tell teenagers to go ahead and shag who they want!

Hoopityhoopla well you may think it is OK for a girl of 14/15 to be wandering round a big city at 11pm but I don't!

.

I know my son is the older one but honestly you would have to know him, he is very immature, its just who he is

Well there's your problem - telling him not to have sex before marriage when he's a teenager and has a girlfriend is just ridiculous and unrealistic. Have you asked your husband then what went wrong with the sex ed talks?

Your son didn't realise that if he spunked up a girl's fanny he could get her pregnant? He can't be that bright, then.

None taken Lucy. I understand how weird it sounds, and believe me when my children were small I would have thought the same. Life has a strange way of kicking you in the tits then giving you a bunch of flowers - DS making this choice was my titkick, the baby is my bunch of lovely flowers!

This has caused our family a lot of stress including my husband, he has developed depression as a result and his work has suffered...he thinks it is all his fault because it's his son!

Most 14/15 year olds walk about in cities. I can't see what the issue is with that at all?

And, you know, if the sex is consensual then teenagers can shag who they want (age gaps, age of consent all relevant of course).

Now can anybody tell me why I'm bothering to read and respond still?

Rubberduck this is not a pile of shite, are you usually so rude about the problems in other people's lives? What age are your children?

Are you saying that the school told your son he wasn't allowed to tell his teachers why he was having a hard time because his girlfriend's pregnancy was a confidential "health issue"?

Look your son and this girl had sex and now a baby is here they are very young yes some parents are fab parents at 17 some not so much these kids will make parenting mistakes instead of whining about your poor son missing out on uni support them to be better parents and if that means your son gets a job then so be it .

I guess your son hasn't studied biology.

Purple daisies.They didn't tell my son anything. I was the one who phoned because I thought his teachers needed to know what my son was going through. The girl was at the same school, and her parents had already met with the headteacher and had asked that only the girl's teachers were informed of the pregnancy because she didn't want anyone to know about it until the exams were over! The school decided that as my son had mostly different teachers, that his girlfriend was their prioriry, especially as my son was leving school after his exams were over,and his girlfriend was coming back to complete her A Levels

Him being immature makes not one jot of difference. He was above the legal age of consent and she was below it. He clearly wants to make the best of the situation now and provide for his child and gf yet you are discouraging that.

Is it actually the case that you would prefer him to stay your little boy and not mature into the father he now is? You can't just ignore this you know, and push on regardless with his/your plans for his future. You need to accept his future will look very different now.