My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

[worriedgran57]

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

It reads as being made up but if true then sorry op but you sound like the gran from hell!

First off your son despite being clever was extremely dim in thinking he couldn't get his girlfriend pregnant.

Where to start with the rest of your post as every point you've made is highly objectionable to me.

The young lady appears to be doing very well as a young mother despite your interference and unpleasantness.

Your son must be responsible for his partner and child and put his studies on hold and start earning a wage to support them. You putting pressure on him is very unhelpful and you are the manipulative one, not her!

Your tone indicates you think your children are above everyone else and you should get off your high horse and be grateful that the young lady is willing to let you see your grandchild that you should be helping her with instead of acting like a disgruntled queen bee!

Your post reads like a mills and Boone plot where you are the wicked grandmother and the young lady is the heroine!

Anyway, I think your thread is made up nonsense! ;)

Tate

About the exams- my son was 18 at the time and he was doing his a levels, his girlfriend was pregnant and doing her gcses....they said because of that, and because the pregancy counted as a health issue, and because she had asked that none of the teachers except her own teachers be told...they had to go with what she wanted. Obviously my son had different teachers. The baby was born in the autumn and she said she wanted to get her exams over without the whole school knowing....fair enough, but it meant none of my sons teachers could know or understand what he was going through!

I did struggle! Jesus, I'm not a saint and there were some screaming matches and many, many tears shed.

I had a choice, a decision to make though and I could either keep fighting, keep fracturing my family and destroying my relationship with my son or I could accept that this is what he wanted and make peace with it. It was hard but I got there.

2 years on and we're good, better than good actually and I'm so glad I made the choice I did as I have a terrific relationship with my son, the girlfriend and the revered baby!

Op. U could ask fir your thread to be moved to relationships or parenting.
U could then explore your feelings without judgement and come to terms with what has happened and move on positively.
Just report your original post and ask for it to be moved.

Do they both. Want to go to uni still? Is there a way both families could sit down and see how you could all support them to achieve that?

Tonysaprono I really don't think I could make peace with your situation. I'd be devastated for my dc if they were taking on someone else's child at such a young age. Why? I don't understand why you would encourage this? They have both given up so much but your ds isn't even the child's father! (Mind boggled)

Thank you Ledkr I will do that now!

Maddening yes they both want to go to university!

You really need to adjust your thinking here OP. You must stop blaming mum, she is doing her best and sounds like a terrific young mother.

I'm warning you now that if you keep on this path you are going to alienate your son and his girlfriend and you will be really sad then.

Clean up your house, make her welcome and listen to her. I mean it.

As, that's good to hear Tony. I hope I can make it though the teen battles as successfully!

Lucy Ok.

I think I've explained my reasons, I didn't encourage anything, rather I made peace with a situation in order to make everyone's lives better. I don't think I need to explain myself any further. Thanks for your comments though and I'm sorry for boggling your mind!

I don't want to alienate them, but I do have other children to think about and I worry about the effect on the whole family too! My younger children especially. I worry that they will think it is OK to get away with mistakes like this too!

Worriedgran, I have to ask then, following on from your most recent post, did you never sit down and discuss sex and contraception with you son? My eldest DS is only 12 but we have already discussed the notion that when, in a few years time he becomes sexually active, if he is not ready to become a father then he must wear a condom. Also how condom use should be the only way to go until you are in a committed relationship and you know s bit about that person's sexual history and health.

If he was sexually naive then I'm afraid that lies squarely with you and his father. Certainly not the underage girl who may or may not have irregular periods.

Really?

Firstly, your son commuted statutory rate, it's awful that you blame his gf for this whole situation when he shouldn't have been having sex with an underage girl at all. At the very least he should've put something on the end of it.

However, that's all irrelevant now, the baby is here and needs taking care of, if that means your DS has to work to earn then so bit it, he made his bed. I had a child at 18, I worked 3 jobs to support my baby and went back to university many years later when I could afford it.

I co-sleep. I wouldn't let my tiny baby sleep in a room with that many animals, I don't know anyone who would.

The rest of the stuff about the girlfriend I can't get worked up about, she was young, having fun, which she was perfectly entitled to do.

You need to start supporting your DS and his family or you'll be in danger of losing them.

M4blues we had talked about why it is better to wait until marriage before having sex....i suppose i should have made it more clear but felt uncomfortable at talking with my sons about this, and left it more to my husband...i have an older son and this was never a problem with him...i just wasn't expecting something like this!

There definitely is;

www.cps.gov.uk/legal/p_to_r/rape_and_sexual_offences/consent/

Ignore rogue pronoun in last paragraph which suggests I was still talking about my DS rather than your DS.

Worriedgran, my first post on MN was similar to this, and I got a similar (and, tbh, deserved) flaming. My ds was 17, his gf 18, he told me she was on the pill and it didn't work. (He lied, as some posters had suggested.)

That baby was miscarried, but because it was planned (troo luv 4ever etc) they did it again; ds was just shy of 19 when baby was born. Dgs is now 6, his parents have split but are incredibly brilliant co-parents. Ds was never going to go to uni, but he works hard and is progressing in his career, after a slow start which included a zero-hour nmw fastfood job.

Things might look pretty shit now, but your ds' gf sounds pretty sorted. Open your heart to her.

What odd socks says in triplicate.

She was underage and at GCSEs stage. If he was taking a-levels then he was presumably 18 or close to it. He was well and truly old enough to take responsibility for contraception. A 15 yo thinking she can't get pregnant because her periods are iffy is kind of understandable. An 18 yo thinking that's true is much less so tbh. I don't think it's manipulation just naivety.

He is an adult and the choices he makes should be HIS. I can't see what she has done wrong at all. The pregnancy is BOTH of their responsibilities.

You need to let go. Loose the bitterness that drips from your post. Get help for that if you need. Trust me life will be much better if you do. Accept that your son has made choices that mean he is in this situation. Don't blame her for it all.

Support them both and let them make their own decisions or in a few short years you will be reading about yourself on here with people advising them to "go non contact"

Get away with mistakes like this - please, rethink that. If you don't you will not be able to allow your son to behave as he sees fit with his child .