My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

[worriedgran57]

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

What are you getting her for Crimbo?

It's been a shock to you and not what you expected fr your son, but it has happened and now you're a grandmother.
You can't change that, have you asked your son what he wants rather than telling him?
Things happen in life we don't plan for, that boy and his girlfriend now need your support, or at least you to pretend you're on their side. As you said, they're still children themselves - youve had kids, your experience should be helping them instead of dwelling on the what could have beens

What help do you want? It's happened now, he has to step up and no amount of handwringing about what a bright lad he is will put clothes on the back of the baby.
Maybe don't get arsey when she doesn't want her baby to sleep in a room with 9 animals, stop bitching that your son must study but make it clear you won't facilitate that by babysitting and respect her right not to be forced to watch shit TV.

He got someone pregnant who was under 16? I'm amazed he hasn't been prosecuted!

You haven't answered any of the questions about underage sex op!

Also what is your son doing to support the baby? Money wise and practically? Does he have to baby to give her a break so she can do her homework ect?

Why can't she and the baby sleep over in his room so he can do his fair share of the night wakings?

Your son and his girlfriend have a baby to support you are basically saying this girl trapped your poor son what do you think your son should do?

Yes I did struggle. Ds had a very promising dance career.
I worried for them but when I remembered there was a little life coming I decided to be positive and help them.
Dil is very sweet and they are great parents.
Yiur sons girlfriend sounds like she's really trying to be a good mum.
Can u try to befriend her?
She probably suggests coffee to allow you to bond with your grandson.

I'm going to answer this despite being a little bit about it.

My DS's girlfriend had a baby when she was 15 and my DS was 16. He isn't the biological father of that baby but has treated the baby as his own since birth.

DS's girlfriend was terribly young and I was very worried about her and the baby, I remember how hard it was as a 25 year old with a new baby, let alone being a child myself. I can't imagine what she goes through. Sometimes she makes mistakes - as we all do.

My son didn't take up his place in university because he didn't want to leave her and the baby and that's OK. It's OK because I am proud that he takes responsibility and is finding ways to support his girlfriend and the baby (who we all adore BTW - you don't talk much about how you feel about the baby) besides he's young, there's oodles of time for him to go to university if he so chooses.

Please try to be kind. I know how difficult it can be, I understand what an upheaval and how much your plans for your child didn't involve this, but it's happened now and you must make your peace with it and bloody quickly or you will lose out on so much.

I woildnt want my grandbaby in the livingroom with that many animals either

If this is real it sounds like you're having trouble adjusting to the change in circumstances. You're still clinging to the trajectory of a normal teen, going through school, on to uni, get a job, meet a partner settle down, have family etc. Fact is that's no longer your son's path. He's now a father and his child comes first. His child will need food, clothing, a roof over his head. His child needs those things today, not 3/4/5 years down the line. How is your son going to meet those needs?

Well, you would probably get more support here if you could acknowledge that your son is not the only one who got the shitty end of the stick!

You say she wants to go to university, so she too is a bright young thing whose life 'has been ruined' by your son's actions, he has distracted her from her life, derailed her prospects and is not getting a job and supporting his child. Worse, he is letting his mum talk about her as though she is evil incarnate.

They both made a child, you cannot protect him from that. Yet you seem to think that your son has zero need to change your plans for his life whilst feeling free to disparage her at every turn.

If you continue in that vein she will keep her distance from you and you may lose your GC and, should he be allowed to grow up, your son too.

You are the adult, act like it, stop blaming one teen for the actions of two teens. Your son was not kidnapped, held to ransom and, as others have said, he has committed a crime if she was under age when she conceived. Get your head around the realities, stop seeing him as a child and you might find it a little easier to accept the changes their actions have wreaked on your idea of how life should be.

Good luck. You need to have a serious rethink very quickly, or you will be in grave danger of making many people very unhappy.

Get onside with her or say goodbye to seeing your grandchild.

tony you must be so proud of your son. What a great kid he must be.

So your adult son got a minor pregnant and that was somehow her fault? No, either legally or morally. She took her baby for an autumn walk wearing a coat and blanket. I really cannot see any problem with that. She won't allow baby to sleep alone downstairs with your menagerie and you think she's the unreasonable one? I read that as a very mature decision which demonstrates a strong maternal instinct.
She sounds grand! Send over this way. Assuming she's real of course.

Your son obviously isn't as clever as you think he is if he doesn't know to wear a condom

prosecution for under age sex? You must be joking? This isn't the case of a forty year old having sex with a 14 year old - many teenagers engage in underage sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend and all the talking and warnings will never change that I'm afraid.

It would be odd that the school would claim that one pupil has priority over another in this scenario, why didn't they write to the exam boards, the extenuating circumstances are pretty clear.

He committed statutory rape OP. Of course that's not what you were expecting, it's a sex crime against a minor.

There's plenty of time for university. Universities also offer support for parents studying. He will have an opportunity to build a career. But right now I would support them in being the best parents they can - which, and I say this is a cat and dog owner and lover myself - does not include allowing a small baby to sleep in a room where six cats have free rein!

I think you're being given a hard time Worriedgran.

It doesn't mean I agree entirely with your post but I can understand how disappointed you're probably feeling because the life you thought your son had planned hasn't quite followed that route.

This is the way things have turned out though and you must try and 'give' a bit, well a lot.

Start by babysitting for them. This situation isn't going to go away and you're only going to form a great divide if things continue the way they are.

You must see that a baby being in the house with those many animals might cause the new mum some concern. I'd be the same and I'm a huge animal lover. Look at it from her point of view. Remember your first born and how you would have felt in similar circumstances.

I know the turn of events in your son's life must be incredibly disappointing for you but he was as much to blame as his girlfriend, it takes two to get pregnant. Stop focussing on his girlfriend being the one in the wrong.

Your son needs to provide for the life he helped to create. Have they discussed what they plan to do long term? Are you in contact with his girlfriends parents?

See, I'd struggle with that Tony I have to be honest. If my 16 yr old son told me that his 15 yr old gf was pregnant (not by him) and he was going to bring up the child...I don't know.
Obviously there would be nothing I could do if he was determined, but my instinct would be to say"that's not your child, run!" He sounds like a great guy, don't get me wrong, I just don't know how you deal with that. You are a better person than me!

Thanks Ledkr - he really is! They were at my house today, without my beloved GD boo! But I gave DS's girlfriend some pocket money, put her coat in the wash for her and gave her a kiss as they headed out for a rare night out.

Like you, i love the addition to our family and not just the wee bairn!

Sounds like you're doing great as well.

Ledkr I hope I can feel that way soon

I haven't had much time to bond with my grandson, as his mother is so funny about him being in our house! I don't know how I am meant to fix that, it's our home and she was happy about being here before the baby came. I love him to bits of course, but it's hard to know how to get to know
him properly when she is so overprotective

I suppose I do feel resentful of her, I feel she tricked my son. He said she told him she couldn't have children, of course he trusted her! Like I said he is immature for his age and very trusting. I know she is younger, but she has always been the one in control!

It'sdone now though, and I need to find a way to make the situation work out! He is still my son and it is hard to see my little boy let go of all he could have been.