My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

[worriedgran57]

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

Also exams and qualifications mean fuck all in this day and age. Your darling dead beat son could go and get a well paid enough job right now and they wouldn't bat an eye at his silly GCSE's and half finished A-Levels. Not one of my empolyers have even seemed bothered about them. Tell him to go apply at your local McDonald's and earn an easy living for his child

I think I'm more shocked than anything that you won't babysit your grandchild so she and your son can go out for a coffee.

Totally agree with Tilltookanarrowtotheknee

I got pregnant very young - not that young, I accept - and to be fair, my strapping 21 year old son doesn't see or speak to his fathers side of the family, or his father. I co-slept, and carried my son in a sling until he was around ten months old (couldn't afford a pushchair) and was frequently told by my own family to "put that baby down". I ignored them, and did it alone because any support was given grudgingly and with a lecture I could do without.

My advice? Support the mother of your grandchild, and by support I mean respect that this is her child and that she is the one whose life has altered irrevocably forever.

Support your son, and by that I mean encourage him to be a responsible and involved father to his child, offering emotional and financial support to his child and it's mother.

You - and what you want - come way down in the list of priority.

If getting rid of a couple of pets helps the mother of your grandchild feel more comfortable in your home....do it! Or at least set aside a completely pet free place in your home where your grandchild can be safe. Think about him crawling, walking, investigating his world. He doesn't need a face full of cat hair or to be knocked over by over friendly dogs!!

By being supportive and non judgemental you will teach your other children that if they make a mistake in life - you will be there for them. Your attitude right now is teaching your younger daughter if she got pregnant... Don't talk to mum about it! Do you really want that?

I know it wasn't what you wanted for your son, but it's happened. How you behave now, will set the tone for the future. Show his girlfriend she and her child are welcome and wanted in your home by making those changes and buttoning your lip if she makes decisions you personally wouldn't have made, because well... They really aren't yours to make are they?

Wowsa.

I say this as someone who would be absolutely devastated if my son were to land himself in this predicament - I would have a great deal of difficulty accepting it. So I understand completely your disappointment.

This is your son's fault, arguably more so than this girl because he was older; the baby is here and you need to support these kids in their effort to be good parents. Your son needs a kick in the ass. The first thing he should have done was get a job. All other plans have to go on the back burner for now.

You need to repair relations with your grandson's mother and have you ever even sat down with her parents to discuss this whole thing?

The fact that you don't want to babysit so they can have coffee just astounds me. Don't you love this little baby and want to spend time with him? It sounds like you're missing essential emotional wiring.

Tilltookanarrowtotheknee, spot on.

I think the young woman concerned sounds fantastic. Op, Everything you have said in this thread in an effort to criticise her has just made me nod and think what a sensible intuitive mother she is, young or not.

Whilst your son wanders around feeling hard done by and you help perpetuate the idea that none of his failings are in fact down to him, she's just getting on with things. Finishing school and bringing up her son. If everything is as it seems then imvho, she is well rid!

Jesus Christ.

Maybe he should have thought about his future before fucking an underage girl.

She sounds like she's being a great and admirable mother from what you've posted. Your son sounds like he wants to support her and his child but you are running against him.

He is going to end up with a child that he doesn't see. And that is going to be your fault.

kick his backside into action and demand that if he wants to live with you, he gets a job and starts supporting HIS child. Tell him to face his responsibilities and to be the kind of father to be proud of. That means if he is going to continue studying, he still needs to find a way to ensure that he sees his child regularly and that he provides a decent level of financial support. If he won't do that, I would personally cut off any kind of financial support I was giving to my son and kick him out of my home and demand he fends for himself. He needs a quick lesson in the real world and what it means to be a parent.

His life is only 'ruined' if he allows it. Sure, it's not what he might have wanted but it's done now and he needs to man up and take responsibility. He can continue on whatever path he was following - or he can detour and live with this girl if he believes he loves her - but either way, it means supporting the child and being a father (full or part time).

The OP's DS and his GF are equally and jointly "at fault" and responsible for this situation. However, it sounds as if the GF is using the baby as a tool to manipulate the DS into making life choices that are in no-one's long-term interest.

You mean like getting a job bobo? He needs to get a job. This much is clear.

Sound sensible advice from oldaninpurple

I would just add that he can always study for a degree when he and the baby are a little older - it does happen.

I suspect that it could be too late. OP you have a grandchild and you will never have a relationship with them. I can seriously see a situation twenty years down the line where the child is getting married and you - and quite possibly your son - aren't invited.

I'm not sure I agree, Bobo. What with her being an underage minor at the time. Oh and her now carrying in at school whilst he is hanging around in a sulk. He needs to get a job and man up. He's an adult and a father. She was a child and a mother yet is stepping up far more than he is and his mother is encouraging this stance.

No they are not equally anything. She was a child. She is the one bringing up the baby with little to no help from the father or his family.
What life choices does this girl get?? Her life had changed massively and forever. She wasn't old enough to consent. Why shouldn't his life change.
Op your son is obviously not very bright to have unprotected sex with a child.

I'm sorry I got say it

This is all my precious baby, she goes out till 11 she gets on trains with her mates she she she

Meanwhile precious snowflake with the IQ of a planet apparantly but zero common sense
Thought that unprotected sex with an under age girl was the bright thing to do.

Seriously your blaming her yanks my chain, she sounds vulnerable but out of the two of them she's the one with all the sense.

You do know the child is your grandchild don't you ? Not the boy I mean really.
I couldn't give a tuppence what his future plans were, as of now his future has taken a different turn,
Yes he needs a job she's the only one out of all of you who is talking sense and taking responsibility.

He needs to grow up and get a grip there's ,loads to be found on here by the way.
You have obviously brought him up to be a polite young man, now you need to teach him to be a man.

I think you sound stuck in the past, hoping if you scream loud enough, be rude enough, obstruct the new mum enough... Somehow this whole mess will go away and your baby boy can get on with the life path you chose for him.

Unfortunately that won't happen. It's happened and the baby is here. What you will achieve now by your efforts is to alienate your son from his child and set him up to be a deadbeat father, never seeing past his own wants and badly done to feelings to even try and connect or support his own child.

That route harms the girl, the baby and yes, it ultimately harms your boy the most. It's sad you want to do that.

I'm horrified the father only sees the baby once a week and doesn't help the young mum put at all, practically or financially.

I'm also saddened that your son appears to have stopped education and can't be bothered to even try and get a job... All because someone else had his baby 13months ago and is now looking after it without your sons help.
Yet somehow it's all that girls fault?

I'm afraid I've seen this before. It shows such weakness of character and morals I find it really rather disgusting. To find the perfect excuse for failing at life, then using it as a special poor diddums exception to explain his complete failure to become a proper adult. People live like this for a lifetime of whining and under achieving. It's a pathetic waste of a life.

But if that's what you want your son to do, you're going about it exactly right. Cosseting and excusing him, blaming that nasty underage girl, and allowing him to wriggle out of ever being accountable for his own actions.

If that's the future you want for you son, that's fine. Your choice, and his. But don't then expect the rest of the world to agree with your choice.

I too think the girl sounds great and fully understand why her parents are keeping your son at arm's length. The baby is over a year old and yet your son isn't and hasn't been providing for him either financially, practically and emotionally in all that time. The other grandparents are doing your son's role for him!
You are doing yourself and your son no favours. Your son needs a boot up his backside, he's an adult and a parent he lost the luxury of sitting about pondering his future when he got his girlfriend pregnant.
You didn't teach him about sexual health and contraception, it also seems that you didn't teach him about responsibility and hard work either. No wonder his baby's mother doesn't trust you to care for her son you have hardly demonstrated that you have done a good job with your own ds.
You should be grateful that your grandson appears to have a loving, responsible and hard working mother and two grandparents that are supportive. You need to make amends, if her family sees that you are finally giving your son a good shake and you show some appreciation of the hard work your son's girlfriend and family have put in and you make your house safe for your grandchild and give your grandchild's mum some financial support until your son gets his act together then you might just salvage something. Otherwise I wouldn't be too surprised if his girlfriend kick's your son and your family to the kerb and goes on to be a successful adult and parent in spite of you and yours.

I understand your worties about your son's education, but he is as much responsible for the pregnancy as she is. Whether or not she said she couldn't get pregnant, why isn't your 17 year old son fully aware, that having unprotected sex in the early stages of a relationship, is an absolute nono?!
I think the best thing you can do is, accept the situation , because you can't change it, but do all you can to help them both, (and yes that includes some babysitting) to get their educations finished, A levels at least, but Uni may have to wait awhile, because that baby is priority right now!
As for the animal situation...no absolutely not, it's never acceptable to leave a baby in a room with cats and dogs!!

Ha! You sound just like my mother op! But I was the 15 yo who got pregnant.

Just a word of warning. I now have no contact with my mother, and neither do my children.

just

This thread is hilarious eg tell him to go get a job at McDs and provide for his child - what on zero hours min wage?????/

You are all in fantasy land imo. The girl doesn't know what she wants, he doesn't know what she wants, he doesn't know what he wants.

Stay in touch until one or both of you grow up. Help with some babysitting if you are allowed. Get on with your life.

In a few years time see if she is ready to make decisions regarding the DC. Then decide together what is best for the DC long term/ the relationship long term (if any). Could be any scenario under the sun by then.

You are very lucky your son wasn't prosecuted. The police are very hot on these situations now. It's called child sexual exploitation. They can and do prosecute in the exact same scenarios that your son is in.

I don't think they do prosecute a 17year old with a 15 year old. It's 13 and under where it's presumed that they're too young to consent and there is no defence to sexual activity with a child that age. One just under the age of consent and one just over is extremely unlikely to be pursued, in the UK at least, unless things have changed recently?