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Original poster

My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

620 replies

worriedgran57 · 28/11/2015 22:46

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

OP posts:
TwoSmellyDogs · 29/11/2015 09:32

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Oh. MrsdeVere already said that. Grin

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 29/11/2015 09:33

Quite surprised this thread is till here. I wonder if the OP has had chance to think things over & is now having a chat with her son & the girlfriend about what they actually want to do, & what's best for the baby. Probably not. Because for all the OP's complaints that no-one has thought of her son (despite the fact that many people clearly did), I don't recall her ever mentioning that she'd asked him what he wanted to do about the situation. How odd, and sad.

Utterlyclueless · 29/11/2015 09:34

Your basically saying your son shouldn't take responsibility for this child and it's all the girls responsibility.

If your son is smart enough to go to uni he's smart enough to know that sex can lead to a baby.

Stop treating him like a precious baby

Utterlyclueless · 29/11/2015 09:34

Haven't RTFT oops

Dawndonnaagain · 29/11/2015 09:35

About the exams- my son was 18 at the time and he was doing his a levels, his girlfriend was pregnant and doing her gcses....they said because of that, and because the pregancy counted as a health issue, and because she had asked that none of the teachers except her own teachers be told...they had to go with what she wanted. Obviously my son had different teachers. The baby was born in the autumn and she said she wanted to get her exams over without the whole school knowing....fair enough, but it meant none of my sons teachers could know or understand what he was going through!
The only school in the UK where this could possibly have happened?
Sorry, but it's not the case.

Clockstooticky · 29/11/2015 09:35

This post has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

ReginaBlitz · 29/11/2015 09:37

I had to laugh at this, my son is smart with a high iq, yet gets an underage girl Keith cheggers wow he is smart! Reality check your son has broken the law and slept with a child you should be ashamed to be quite honest. You don't sound much brighter yourself. Your animals wouldn't hurt anyone because they are rescues? Newsflash they are more likely to do something as they are rescues so she is right there. Hard to Believe this thread tbh

FellOutOfBedTwice · 29/11/2015 09:38

I don't think it's fair to blame her for all of this. If I ever have a son I will drum it in to his head that he should wear a condom if he doesn't want a baby, otherwise, whatever other contraception measures he thinks are in place, he isn't doing anything to prevent pregnancy. He didn't take any precautions.

I agree that longer term he probably needs a degree but he also needs to earn some money. Could he get a full time job and study part time? There are lots of part time study options now.

chillycurtains · 29/11/2015 09:47

Why is your son's girlfriend manipulative for thinking she couldn't get pregnant as she had problems with her periods but your son is just stupid. It's the same thing, they are both stupid. However the baby is here now so you need to get on with it.

You seem like a really unsupportive grandparent. I am sorry but that is what it sounds like. They come round on Saturdays and you go out on purpose? The girlfriend suggests you babysit whilst they go for coffee but you won't? It's coffee. That won't take long and she sounds like she is trying to have time with your son to keep her relationship going. Why are you against this? Well apart from the obvious that you want them to spilt up.

The only thing I think it is that either your son needs to try and provide financially for his child. He had sex, created a child and he needs to provide for it. This doesn't have to be cash which could affect benefits, but your family should be buying weekly items like nappies, food or clothing. You want him to study and commit to further education so you need to step up as parents yourself and do some of the financial provisions yourself. That is what we do as parents. If you want him to get to university now then you are going to need to swallow your thoughts and provide for your grandchild. If you don't, then you need to let him make his own choices about study and employment.

chillycurtains · 29/11/2015 09:50

Also in a house full of animals, no my baby would not be sleeping in the lounge. And if I thought a tv programme was too violent then I wouldn't sit in there an watch it. Why does she need to do what you say or think?

RubberDicky · 29/11/2015 09:55

If he's not currently employed and is on JSA why doesn't he look after his child in the day time?

Sallyingforth · 29/11/2015 10:00

OP having read just the first and last pages of this sorry tale I must conclude that the girl is a better and nicer person than you. It is not surprising that your son has become so irresponsible.

CatThiefKeith · 29/11/2015 10:04

Oh how I wish the girls mother was a MN'er. I would very much like to hear the other side of the story!

Coconutty · 29/11/2015 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeverlyGoldberg · 29/11/2015 10:11

This reply has been deleted

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MNHQ
BeccaMumsnet · 29/11/2015 10:11

Hi everyone - we apologise for the delay on this one.

We can't currently see any reason at our end of things to suspect the OP here isn't genuine. We're going to be going through the thread shortly and removing all the troll-hunting (there is rather a lot, to be honest).

Please please do not troll hunt on the thread - we know we say it a lot, but even if you think the OP is obviously a troll, please just hit the report button.

At the OPs request, we're going to move this thread over to relationships shortly.

ShelaghTurner · 29/11/2015 10:15

Best post goes to TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee who is absolutely spot on.

SallyStarbuck · 29/11/2015 10:18

.

GruntledOne · 29/11/2015 10:33

I must say, if your son really didn't think his girlfriend could get pregnant, he wasn't bright enough to listen during sex education lessons. How could he have conceivably thought that the fact that she had problems with her periods meant she couldn't conceive? The very fact that she had periods at all demonstrated that she could.

Your view that your son was manipulated seems to be based solely on the fact that the pregnancy didn't come to light immediately and your own experience of pregnancy. How do you not know that it regularly happens that women don't know they are pregnant for several months, sometimes right up to the moment of birth? You also conclude that the girlfriend kept quiet about it purely so that she wouldn't be pressured into an abortion. Do you know that that would have been the case? You and your son might have wanted to pressurise her into it, but it sounds as if her family are supportive. And, at the end of the day, she has every right to decide what is to happen to her body and her baby.

TheTigerIsOut · 29/11/2015 10:38

I do think the OP s the mum of the girl. So just in case she is... Sadly as it is, the nrp financial responsibility to the baby is only 15% of his net income, but as he is not working, that is £0.

Yep, he could do the right thing, stop studying so he could pay to support that baby and your DD, and you can continue to support your DD so she can raise that baby and still finish her studies,

But stop demonising the boyfriend. He is a kid as well (or was when the baby was conceived) and accidents happen, you cannot expect his family to be reasonable if you are unwilling to see how this new baby is also affecting the other household.

If both families work together, you can help this young couple though, if you keep being so negative towards the other family, just remember... 15% of his net income (whatever he is earning) paid as child maintenance and he is out of the hook.

TheTigerIsOut · 29/11/2015 10:41

And no, I think that abandoning a child in exchange of that 15% is right, but I have been raising one in that premise and I can assure you that is not easy at all.

TheTigerIsOut · 29/11/2015 10:41

I do NOT think tha abandoning a child in exchange of that 15%, mean to say

LemonRedwood · 29/11/2015 10:50

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winewolfhowls · 29/11/2015 10:56

The young lady sounds great, she should go to uni and never look back at you or your lazy ass son. You will both drag her down. I hope she meets a nice, actually hardworking lad at uni and has a happy ending.

frillybiscuits · 29/11/2015 11:00

Sounds like something my exMIL would post, with a few alterations and the fact baby isn't born yet. Poor girl, I hope she gets away from OP. She clearly doesn't need you in her life. Hate mothers like this. You should be thankful that she brought your grandchild into the world and is raising him. What a tough thing to go through at the age