My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

[worriedgran57]

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

bobo

Using a baby as a tool to manipulate?

Surely that's a good thing for any parent to do if that manipulation involves normal positive things like getting a job, stopping being a lay about whose contributing nothing to nothing.

There come a point in most people's lives when they have to realise that they may need to make changes, a lot of the time that is when a baby is about to happen.

I would be mortified and full of shame and doing everything I could to change my own childs priorities of one of them got a partner pregnant and had to be "manipulated" into caring for and supporting the resulting child. Decent people do it automatically.

He can work and financially support his child at the same time as studying that has got to be far better for everybody's interests that just being a NEET

Is this for real??

Sounds like Precious Prince syndrome to me - you appear to think your son is blameless.

I personally would not want my children spending time in a house of animals that by your own admission 'smells a bit catty'. Let alone the safety implications.

also - Your son has actually broken the law by having underage sex with a minor.

If I was her I'd want him to get a job too. Time to take responsibility for his actions.

I feel sorry for the girl having to deal with you, tbh.

I have found this thread quite late and there is no way I could RTFT now but just reading the Op makes me feel really sad. What a crap start to this baby's life. There seems to be absolutely no concern from the Op about her own gc.

Odd socks, I got pregnant at 15 gave birth at 16 (just) that child is now an adult they most certainly do prosecute.

Granted not under all circumstances but a lot of the time they do a lot of the time when they don't prosecute they do have arrests interviews etc

RE the job at McDonald's, he would be on £5.80 an hour. Or at aldi or another supermarket it would be somewhat close to £8. To me those jobs seem to be all he's capable of. He's 18, he's hardly going to get a high paid mangerial position straight off. We've all got to start somewhere

And to add: the animal situation is not usual, surely you know that?

It's extreme and therefore polarizing, and you cannot expect people to be comfortable of the different standards of smell, cleanliness and safety. Animals who've been through bad experiences are more likely to snap, or behave wrongly due to the damage already inflected on them. The fact you are conferring some kind of saintly status on them because they're rescue animals shows that you are thinking with your heart, not rationally.

They sound like you relate to them as actual members of the family. Therefore becoming very upset and protective of them when an outsider comes in and doesn't accept their quasi-human status. and sees them as a safety risk to her baby.

As hard as it is for you to grasp this, they are indeed a risk to your grandchild and the young mum is being a good mother by protecting her child, particularly in an unfriendly and accusatory environment. The mum will be on high alert and ready to protect her child from people who don't like her or her baby,

They absolutely do. Read up on CSE. There are two main definitions of CSE: gangs grooming for prostitution and older lads getting their end away with children below the ages of consent. In the second definition it is almost always 17 / 18yo lads.

*with children only just below the age of consent (eg 17/18yo lads and 15yo girls).

I know of one where the girl was only weeks away from her 16th birthday. No pregnancy involved.

A huge amount of McDonald's employees are parents supporting their children.

Afair they can be very good employers with there training and education programs and other stuff they do.

Pretty sure they still do the stuff they used to

There is a big difference between a 15 year old and a 17 year old. She might have got pregnant just before she turned 16, but your son was going out with her for 6 months before that.
In 6th form, we did look down on any boy who went out with girls a few years younger. The boys who did were either those who were into having power over a younger girl, or those who were immature and not very bright.

I kinder disagree with all who say he should get a job. His lifetime earning potential may be exponentially less without a university degree. It may be an awkward and possibly unpleasant few years for him to get it during which you'll all have to get along and pull together to the extent possible. Kind of like East Enders.

CSE investigations aren't concerned with consensual boyfriend girlfriend relationships between 15 and 17 year olds. They just are not. If you think that's what the police are doing you're mistaken. Honestly.
That's not to say that 17/18 year olds aren't involved in grooming/CSE but that is patently not what happened in this case so give that angle a rest, it doesn't help anyone to bang the wrong drum.

But he's not doing anything he's on JSA! He can work and study

If you have money for your son to start up his own business, did you give the girlfriend and the baby some money on your sons behalf? If not, you probably should!

It's not consensual. She was below the legal age of consent. And there are huge power and peer disparities at those ages, which again colours the ability for the younger (usually girl) to give true consent.

I'm mentioning this to help the op understand how the rest of society, and the legal system, deals with these scenarios.

www.thesite.org/crime-and-safety/your-rights/age-of-consent-9106.html

For future reference OP.

I'm sorry, worriedgran, you're being very stubborn and rather truculent. You're really going to have to grow up a bit yourself and stop blaming the girl for the actions of your son.

He did not wear a condom. It was his choice, his responsibility.

I keep thinking of my friend, and how she behaved when it happened to her son. Oh yes, he had a bright future ahead of him, could have gone to Oxford, had a place there. He turned it down. And he turned down the RG uni he was offered a place at, too. He turned them down because he took responsibility for his actions.

My friend was devastated and furious and didn't know which way to turn. Never once did she blame the girl. She was angry with her son because he knew he should have used a condom, because she had drummed it into him since he was 12ish, and certainly since the relationship with the girl had become a sexual one. She was angry with herself,mtoo, blaming herself for jot having done enough to ensure her son wouldn't get into that sort of mess.

What she did was bend her considerable intellect to finding a solution which would still ensure that both young people could manage to continue with their education while being together, pulling together, and looking after their baby together.

This is why they are still together.
This is why my friendnhas a great relationship with her dil.
This is why both young people are enjoying successful careers.

It didn't matter, in the end, that her son didn't go to Oxford, that he went to a 'lesser' Uni. He is successful anyway, because he is a hard worker, very clever, loves his field (science), is responsible, dependable and reliable.

He became the sort of son every single one of us would be proud of.

They all pulled together. The two young people and all their parents. They became a tribe, if you like, working together to get the best result they could. All of them. Together.

You need to do that.

They were both children and equally important

She was a child, your DS isn't.

MrsRochester You are entirely wrong. This is not CSE in any shape or form. Obsidian explains it perfectly.

In this case there is nothing to suggest coercion or exploitation. As already explained it is only the case of children under thirteen who are regarded by law as being unable to give consent.

Was wondering why this still featured in trending and wow, just wow.

OP, your son needs a bloody kick up the arse frankly. He's made his bed, stop babying him and hand wringing and get a bloody grip on the situation to support this girl and YOUR grandchild!!

I think a 2 year age difference at that age, always involves exploitation. Two years is a big age gap at that age.

I have sat in on strategy meetings with police officers with responsibility for CSE many times. They are absolutely not interested in 14/15 year olds having sex with people of similar ages. They can consent actually - the key issue is parity in age and lack of coercion. I'm not saying the OP's DS wasn't in the wrong, very much so, but it's not rape, statutory rape or sexual exploitation as far as the OP's descriptions indicate.

Cleaty the law doesn't agree with you there

Capsi you're wrong read the link above. It's illegal, you can't give consent till your 16 even if you're in a relationship and even if there's only 2 years age gap

If he isn't working, surely he should be caring for his child during the day?

So glad I'm not the only one that occurred to ...