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Original poster

My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

620 replies

worriedgran57 · 28/11/2015 22:46

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

OP posts:
ProfGrammaticus · 29/11/2015 08:35

Ha! I also read the first and the last!
And now I will hide it.

SlipperyJack · 29/11/2015 08:40

I'm with mrsdevere.

Screaminlikeabanshee · 29/11/2015 08:40

MrsDevere is there still room on your bench?

CormoranStrike · 29/11/2015 08:42

Leaving th baby and girlfriend out of it - partly for the sake of argument, and partly as he is barely in their lives, answer this:

When did he last sit an exam?
What has he done in the interim?

It sounds as if he is not very driven at all? If work is not an option Can he not get himself to college rather than uni to keep him busy and occupied. Because from the girl's mum's point of view he would appear to be a drifter who got their kid pregnant. I am not surprised they are cold.

zen1 · 29/11/2015 08:47
WillSomebodyThinkOfStefan · 29/11/2015 08:51

Hell Fire - what a mess OP.

TheSpectreOfMorningtonCrescent · 29/11/2015 08:54

Everything Mad said.
Budge up MrsDeVere.

MimsyBorogroves · 29/11/2015 08:56

I'm on the 'skip to the end' bench too. Can I go on someone's knee?

TheoriginalLEM · 29/11/2015 08:57

Has mental image of someone at mnhq slumped over their desk clutching the remnants of a bottle of Hendricks.

Do you think someone should go and wake them or let them sleep it off?

SleepIsForTheWeakAnyway · 29/11/2015 09:02

Each time you post the girl sounds more sensible and your son sounds more feckless.

I'm amazed the threads still here

Ememem84 · 29/11/2015 09:05

Op assuming you are in the uk, if your son is now 18 he is an adult. He also has responsibilities for his child.

You say he wants to study but wants to take a gap year. Doing what? Hopefully working and working out his options, not bumming around SE Asia having a laugh. The time for that's gone now.
Gf's parents are supporting her. Helping her. Guiding her. All you can say is it's not fair. No ones helping your son.

What does he want. We know what you want for him. But what does he want?

It's possible to go to uni and have a child. I studied with people who did it. They stayed close to home. Had support from uni and family. Didn't go off drinking all the time. They probably did better than those of us who didn't have kids, as they had someone to think about and work hard for.

If I may. I'm bling mrsdevere and co.

Op I really hope your daughters don't end up pregnant at 15. And you have to deal with a mil like you. or actually that'd be karma

LIZS · 29/11/2015 09:05

So your Ds is now what, 19/20? You can't keep trying to live his life for him. He could have applied to uni (do you have any within travel distance) by now as he has some grades to get a firm offer. Or he could find work or an apprenticeship. Sitting around on JSA isn't a viable option and surely even you can see why her family may be reluctant to get him and , by association, you further involved in day to day care. Presumably his gf has returned to education in which case who has the baby during the day? It sounds as if the coffee dates may be their only opportunities to talk things through, and iiwy I'd facilitate this and make at least one room pet free to encourage contact. Above all you need to stop blaming her, the baby was at best 50:50, your Ds should have known better, and this will affect both their lives and plans. But shortly they will both be adults and have no need to listen to whatever you or her parents think.

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee · 29/11/2015 09:10

I admire the girlfriend. Has a baby at 16; continues with education with support. You enable your lazy son to doss about doing fuck all for almost 2 years. She is dealing with night feeds, nappies, teething, all the stuff that comes with a baby and STILL managed to continue her education. Well fucking done her, I say. Meanwhile your son dosses about with a woe is me attitude (which he clearly gets from you) doesnt get good grades, doesnt get good grades, doesnt be a parent.

How that must grate on you.

Bellemere · 29/11/2015 09:12

This is ruining your sons life because he is choosing to allow it to and you are enabling him.

It was your sons responsibility to prevent him becoming a father. It was his girlfriends responsibility to prevent her becoming a mother. They both made poor choices.

It's not the girlfriends responsibility to endear herself to you, especially not when you are acting the way you are.

I really hope you can get over the shame of your sons decisions and start making the best of what is.

LurcioAgain · 29/11/2015 09:18

I am thinking back to an ex student of mine- mature student, went on to do postgrad. She had a baby as a teenager - her DD was secondary school age when she came to university and did really well. 4 generations of women from her family attended her graduation - her mum, her gran and her daughter. It was fabulous. The OP's son's girlfriend sounds like she might be made in this mould - here's hoping she has a fantastic future ahead of her.

If the girlfriend was my daughter, I would be praying she cut ties with her deadbeat boyfriend who seems to have nothing to offer her, and his controlling, overbearing and insensitive mother.

LagunaBubbles · 29/11/2015 09:21

How can you be sarcastic about it "being a bit late for girlfriends parents to be strict now" when this could equally be said for you and your DH??? It takes two.

SoupDragon · 29/11/2015 09:21

Her parents are very cold towards him and have become strict with her since the baby arrived. They really should have done that before, bit late now!

Perhaps you should have been more strict with your son and taught him about safe sex. Condoms are not just about preventing pregnancy.

Take off your blinkers. This is the fault of your DS and his girlfriend equally. If you are going to bring parents into it, it is your fault as much as the girl's parents.

You sound like a nightmare TBH. I hope that should I ever find myself this position with either of my DSs I behave better than you are.

NoisyOyster · 29/11/2015 09:22

Why is the op refusing to answer how old the girlfriend was when she got pregnant ????

Bellemere · 29/11/2015 09:23

She was 15, Noisy.

londonrach · 29/11/2015 09:25

If this is true op....your ds gf is amazing young lady coping as well as she has. Personally i think shes better away from your family as your ds sounds a complete waster. Why hasnt he a job and if not why isnt he in education. What does he do with his day.

FellOffMyUnicorn · 29/11/2015 09:27

I've pretty much skimmed thruogh other posters, and just looked at yours...

She is a nice girl in many ways,she makes lovely cake for a start! Hmm

said she didn't realise she was pregnant! I have had three kids and knew almost straight away with every one....I think she probably didn't want anyone to influence her into an abortion yup EVERYONE knows EVERY time when they are pg and those who say they dont are liars Hmm

I want to babysit my grandchild, just not when it is convenient for both his parents to go out when they fancy it!! as everyone has been saying they are parents now, that isn't how it works

I did offer to babysit to give her a rest when my grandson was about 4 weeks old but she said no....then when she asks it is just so she can go out

er, yeah - thats exactly how it works. and if you want your son to make a go of it with her, they need time alone together. Why else would she want you to babysit?

of course I love my grandchild, but I am not allowed to care for him because his mother thinks our house is dirty and dangerous! you have lots of animals... it probably is (obviously it might not be)

we were told by one of his teachers when he was younger that he could be oxbridge material, the teacher raved about him. He wanted to go himself. He could have done a lot better in his exams but he has had all this stress since before he sat them! things change, and not every child told this at younger years realises it.

She wants himto get a job so he can give her money, he is the one who wants them to live together but she says no so now he is stuck! money for their child

Hi5Hello · 29/11/2015 09:28

What prep had years urge son done for Oxbridge? Because I agree with others you both seem to be living in a dream world

thelonggame · 29/11/2015 09:29

Hmm surprised to find this still here
shamelessly place marking

MadrigalElectromotive · 29/11/2015 09:31

This reply has been deleted

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FellOffMyUnicorn · 29/11/2015 09:31

thread title should possibly be My boyfriends mum is a problem!!! instead of My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

On a serious note, you have to decide if you want to stay in contact with your DGS in the long run, and possibly your DS. If you play this wrong you could end up losing all of them. Try to remember they are VERY young to be parents, offer them the help they WANT, not what you think they need. Be there for when they have problems and step away when they dont want you.

Shes the mum, she probably feels she is not able to be fully in control due to her age and peoples perceptions of her.

and remember above ALL ELSE - teenagers ARE horrible, they're meant to be.

If you can do that, then you might have a hope of a relationship.