My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

[worriedgran57]

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

I want to clarify when I said 'Why is the fact the her mother babysits while she's at school relevant here?' I only meant that the OP seems to think it's some sort of privilege afforded to the girl that puts her ahead in her chances of uni when compared to the OP's son. It's like she's saying 'you've scuppered my son's chances by having this baby but your chances remain totally unchanged because you get all this help from your parents with childcare.' I just don't understand her logic there. You only need help with childcare if you live with the child. He's hardly being disadvantaged day to day, is he?

But I agree if he isn't working or studying he should perhaps be doing some weekday childcare although I doubt that's what the girl or her parents especially want, by the sounds of things.

You are worried about the influence SHE will have on your younger DD? I think you need to look at your son instead. Showing her that is is ok not to take any responsibility for your actions, or act act like your mother and blame everyone else for everything.

He needs to man up and go and get a job. Companies are crying out for people from waiting staff to temporary postal to shop staff just before Christmas. If he is Oxbridge material then he will have no trouble passing the basic literacy and numeracy tests. Using the excuse of possibly going to university one day to avoid working is just laziness. He needs to go out and work and give her money to help bring up the child. No wonder her parents don't want him around. He wants to play happy families but not go out to work to buy nappies. You offered him money to start his own business but he was too much of a fuckwit to pull his finger out and do anything.

She wouldn't let you look after him when he was four weeks old, so you want to retaliate by not looking after him now? TBH to you sound fairly poisonous. She sounds like she is doing the right thing by continuing to study and trying to make a better life for her and her DS. Not surprised she doesn't want to live with your DS. Hopefully she can put a healthy distance between herself and your family, meet someone decent and hardworking and have a happy life.

The child is an equal responsibility. Your son can't opt out. He can work and study I sure

If I have read it right she is doing A-levels now. Where is she applying to Uni? Can't your son apply to Uni there? Sounds as if he could have his pick of places. He doesn't need to decide right now. In the meantime he works to provide for his dc. He should also offer to look after his son around finding work.

Did you not teach your son about STIs?

You see quick to judge her parenting when your own is clearly lacking

That's it, read it all now.

If this is true I feel sorry for the young mother having such an unpleasant grandmother for her child.

So far you haven't shown any empathy to your sons girlfriend so perhaps you could unblinker your narrow minded eyes for a moment and tell her about mumsnet as she will get good advice and support, which she clearly doesn't get from you.

Because of your horrendous attitude and massive chip on your shoulder against this girl, it is likely that you've already damaged the relationship between her and your son and when she has a new partner who has a kind mother, it's likely you will lose out at being a grandmother. Sadly, I think that's what you would like.

My, my this thread is still here.....

"She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent..."
Sensible mother. You can never 100% trust any animal.
You sound awful. Going out when she comes round?! No wonder she doesn't like you to be too involved.
And stop glorifying your son. He got a child pregnant.
Poor girl. I feel sorry for her and what she is up against with you and and your family.

Th op mentions that a friend advised her to join mumsnet and ask for advice.

I wonder if that's because the friend knows how unkind the op is being and rather tell her herself, knew that everyone would put the op straight?

Too late for condoms? How many grandchildren do you want???

If it were my son, he would be my priority. I wouldn't be telling him he must set up home with this girl and I wouldn't be telling him to drop any plans of going to uni and to get a crappy full time job in the meantime. Surely it's better for his child in the long term if his father has a well paid, decent job.

Secondly, I'd be sitting my son down and finding out what he really wants with regards to this relationship. I would remind him that he has a lifetime of financial and emotional obligation to his son, but the same cannot be said for the girlfriend and he doesn't have to stay with her if he doesn't want to.

I love him to bits of course, but it's hard to know how to get to know
him properly when she is so overprotective

You could get to know him properly by not going out when she turns up, and by babysitting when his parents want to go out for a coffee.

Don't know what to say or what to think.

So, basically, months before he had an inkling that he was about to become a father he didn't bother to apply for uni, even though the advice for school leavers is always to get a place first then defer….and then the following year he didn't apply either, and so far he still hasn't applied for the next academic year.

And this is her fault how exactly?

You mentioned that a teacher said they thought your son was good enough for Oxbridge can I ask how old he was then? What grades did he get at GCSE? You mentioned that he hadn't applied for Uni because he wanted to take a year out but normally you would apply as usual but then defer for a year partly because you are still at school at that point which means you get support for the application process and getting the reference? Besides if he had applied at that point then he could have asked the Uni to take into account the pregnancy when looking at the grades he got. You mention that he had a full time job for one month, why only a month? was it a very short contract or did they just decide that they didn't want to keep him on? You mentioned that your son took resits this year, that would have been back in May so what has he been doing since?

Reading between the lines your son is coming across as lazy and using the baby as an excuse not to do anything and your woe is me attitude is enabling him. You need to tell him that he has a responsibility to that child and he needs to put in every effort now to support him whether that be going to uni to improve his prospects to provide better in the future or getting a job to provide now but he can't continue just sitting on his backside with his mother going oh my poor baby you've had your life ruined poor you.

Also teach any younger children about safe sex not just abstinence.

worried I started reading this thinking wow, she's having a hard time, but have since changed my mind.

Your son sounds lazy, it's almost as though he is using the baby as an excuse to not do anything.
Is the mother at University or is she still doing her Alevels.

You cannot spend the rest of your life blaming this girl, it has happened get over it

I suggest, after you have stopped meing so angry about your put upon son, you have a chat with the girls parents and try and 'make friends' so to speak, that would make life easier.
Try and do the same with the girl, bond with her. If you want a relationship with the baby she will be in your life aswell!

And no, I wouldn't want my baby sleeping in a house with 6 cats & 3 dogs either!

Good luck op but before you do anything you need to stop whining about your put upon son, he's as much to blame as she is!

Haven't read the whole thread but I feel so sorry for the poor girl in all this. She was under the age of consent, fell pregnant and now OP blames her because obviously her precious snowflake son's willy was dragged into his gf's vagina against his will so why should he have to step up to plate and be a parent?

This got to be a reverse...

My advice would be to stop complaing about what the other parent and grandparents do to support these 2 kids and their baby.

What's done is done and this relationship is unlikely to survive in the long term. I think all grandparents should be pooling their efforts together to support these three kids through this difficult time.

Done the same thing too.

OP are you my MIL?

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley I wasn't picking at what you said, re relevance of mum babysitting, it just tied in nicely with what I wanted to say

You are worried about the influence SHE will have on your younger DD Exactly! She is a great influence [pregnancy aside] She kept her baby and by the sounds of it, is working really bloody hard to finish school (with little to no help from the father), isn't rushing to let a dead beat marry her & sponge off her and seems determined not to let this derail her plans.

Doesn't sound like too much of a bad influence to me..standing up & taking responsibility for her life. Your family could learn A LOT from her.

Does anyone really completely lack empathy and rational thinking like OP? Plenty of people.