My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

[worriedgran57]

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

My DH is a Police Officer,they would be interested.

A couple of familys I know and in one of them there was proof that the girl involved had lied about her age,both the lads were prosecuted.

So, older boy just about to leave school gets younger girl pg when she is sitting gcses.
Boy's mum insists boy continues with education, refuses to facilitate parenting relationship.
Girls parents horrified. Step up and support daughter, who successfully completes gcses and continues to a levels.
Boy flunks a levels. Decides to resit.
Boy's mum still horrified. Accuses everyone of giving girl special treatment. Continues to refuse to allow co-parenting relationship and support son in his new role as father.
Boy's mum refuses to babysit unless emergency.
Boy is out of school and jobless.
Girl's parents continue to support girl in education, babysit, and provide stable environment.
Girl's parents are horrified that she got upduffed by feckless loser, who neither provides support, co-parenting or cold hard cash.
Girl's parents vow that this feckless fool will not be allowed to ruin their dd's life and will not encourage relationship, as dd is actually still in school, learning, and intending to go to university.
Boy still does nothing.
Boy's mum still, somehow, against all odds, thinks sun shines out of his arse.
Girl's parents have close bond with gc and hope for the future, despite teen pg and lives upturned.
Boy's parents think she is an evil temptress, watch violent crap on TV and run menagerie, and leave the house if she and the baby dare to arrive.
Baby is 13 mos old and boy still wasting life, boy's mother still blaming girl for everything.

I have teenage kids of both sexes. If my (almost 16yo) dd got upduffed by your son, I would be gutted. He does NOT sound like a catch, op. And if he doesn't get a bloody grip, he never will. He has already ruined his relationship with the grandparents of his child (aided and abetted by you) and if he doesn't pull his finger out and start sorting out his life, he is also going to ruin his relationship with the MOTHER of his child. If my ds got a girl pg, he wouldn't be allowed to sit on his arse and pontificate, and he would be required to parent. We would have full baby facilities here, and he would be hands-on. No son of mine gets to decline the option of the endless grind of a newborn. You are old enough to create a child, you are old enough to step up and care for the child. And if you happen to be out of work, you can care for the baby while the mum is at school, too. Bonding time, papa.

You have to kick the damned pedestal out from under his feet and tell him to get a bloody grip. Stop enabling his 'woe is me' shit. He is no hard done by saint, he's just another teen boy that made a mistake. Hey ho. He can still make something of his life, but the problem here is not his well-adjusted, sorted, girlfriend. It's his lack of maturity and drive.

But yes, of course, I read 'reverse' in the op, and my trolldar is raging - purely because I assume no one could possibly be so blinkered or have such little empathy for the other human beings (including a toddler) in this scenario. And I laughed out loud at your babysitting rules. Hilarious. You appear to have the exact opposite understanding to the point of babysitting to everyone else in the known universe. So completely opposite that they MUST be a joke. But possibly not.

I would have thought by 13 mos you would have got your head round this. 'My darling gc is just walking and is adorable, but my ds is struggling to sort his life. How can I support my gc, ds and his gf?'

Duck it reminded me of that series called Sorry(it was years and years ago)Ronnie Corbett was the son in it.

Well said Mad,well said.

Holy crap!
Your son needs to man up, support his child, AND get qualifications.
How about distance learning + full-time job? Then he can support his girlfriend and son, whilst studying. I managed this with 2 small children who had a useless, deadbeat Dad. He is my ex-husband.
Sounds a bit like your son - didn't help with the children, or get involved in their care. Saw it as my responsibility, perceived any childcare as 'babysitting'.
Unlike you, his parents adored our children though.

If he isn't working, surely he should be caring for his child during the day?
You're so angry with the poor girl, yet your grandson is being raised by her and her family. Your son is not involved, yet bleating about the 'stressful situation'. You are upset about not having your grandson in your life, yet you only want to babysit if it is not convenient for your son's girlfriend?
The girlfriend's life has been turned upside down by this baby, and she is just getting on with it!

You said that your son wants to marry her. When did he propose? Was it romantic - is did he do it properly?
My guess is that it is just all crap and bluster, that he hasn't proposed, just like he hasn't gone to Uni and hasn't got a job.
I'd say she's sick of him not doing anything.

The girl sounds more level-headed than you, OP.

OP, I couldn't agree more with the previous poster who said if you're 57 then grow up and start acting it.

Your attitudes are doing a lot to make sure that you never have a good relationship with your grandchild, your grandchild's mother, or, in the end, your son.

Something that may make you think: my mother brought my sister and me up saying many of the things you have said here. Everything was always someone else's fault.

What she has ended up with is one daughter who is so dependent on her that the daughter has to do everything with reference to her, and has to be bailed out financially all the time - that daughter has absolutely no ability to run her own life, because everything is always someone else's fault. Incidentally, that's the same daughter who thought that sexual health was all about boys taking her out to balls and bringing her flowers and telling her she was beautiful - and that's the daughter who ended up having two abortions before the age of 18. This daughter was mightily confused by the fact that any other girl who ended up in the same situation would be described as a dirty little tramp, manipulative, spoiled - but when it was her turn, mother just said it was all the boys' fault and they were to blame. Good little daughter then went back to depending on mummy for everything. Aged 42, mummy pays her bills, has bought her several cars and paid deposits on two houses, and pays granddaughter's school fees.

The other daughter looked at all this behaviour in incredulity, walked out and moved to the other side of the world as soon as possible, and visits once a year at most. I have no intention of ever moving back into the circle of ridiculousneess that is these people's lives. I'd prefer to live like an adult.

Do you want your son to end up like my sister, and your younger children to end up like me?

oh but she doesn't want him to move away to uni and live in halls either...she says that he can't go living the student life while he has a child

Okay well if this is true then this is where I am on your side. I don't buy all this 'he's an adult who 'got' her pg while she was just a child' nonsense, as though she was just a helpless passive bystander in her own fate and she was not capable of consent. She was just weeks off being the age of consent and he wasn't very much older. No-one 'gets' someone else pg, it's a decision they make together, with equal responsibility/stupidity if they are both fully aware that they are not using BC.

The point is, once pg she held all the cards and made the decision to keep the baby, thus forever changing the course of his life as well as her own. I completely understand why you find that frustrating when your son had no say in the outcome once conception had happened, but that's just an unfortunate part of being a bloke and he has to suck it up.

What I don't think is right at all is that she can now carry on with her plan to go to uni with support from her parents and later on financial support/housing/childcare at the expense of the state because she has chosen to have this baby, and yet she is telling him that now he is a father his uni plans have to go on hold, or be drastically altered and he can't go far or live in halls or have the same experience he would otherwise have had, because of the choice she made for him. Not the choice to have sex without BC, that was both their choice. But the choice to go ahead and have the baby was hers alone and whether he wanted it or not, he got it and had no right to influence the decision either way.

If the baby needn't mean her plans grind to a halt then it shouldn't mean his do either. He only sees the child at weekends anyway, so I'm not sure what difference it makes. Plenty of men in the army or doing unsociable/intensive shift patterns see their children far less because their career doesn't allow it so I don't see why it's any different here. Either they should both forget uni and concentrate on their child, or neither should have to.

Although given that he has no job and has had plenty of time to find something since he did his retakes, and he hasn't yet gone to uni either, I'm not sure that the fact he isn't at uni yet is really down to pressure from her, or just that he is a bit useless and can't be bothered.

Why didn't he start this academic year worried if his re-takes were last year?

Doing grown up things have grown up consequences. Your son needs to be an adult and help take care of this baby.

Also, your son isn't some meek little lamb being led astray by sex, drugs, and rock and roll. He chose to have sex without a condom on. That was his stupid choice.

Also they were both stupid, but my son thought she couldn't get pregnant!

I'm sure she didn't think she'd pregnant either. Where's her sympathy? You think child birth is easy for a teenager?

What an odd thread.

Well actually I don't see why he should have to abandon going to uni and get a full time job to support the baby if she isn't prepared to do the same. It was her choice to have it after all so I don't see why her plans should stay the same but his can't.

Either way this baby is going to be a burden on the state one way or another for quite some time yet.

But the choice to go ahead and have the baby was hers alone and whether he wanted it or not, he got it and had no right to influence the decision either way.

Uhm.. No.

The point of being pro-choice is giving women the choice to choose whether they keep the baby or not. Telling a girl she can keep it but doesn't deserve the support for doing so removes that choice. She deserves support from the father whether she kept it or not. Be that in the form of child support or being around to help, he needs to support this child.

If he didn't want a baby, he would have worn a condom. End of.

The rest though, I agree that he can go off to uni. A baby is not going to save a bad relationship. But if he's going off to uni, he'd better be putting part of his paycheck to helping out with child care arrangements to make up for his absence.

Well, that was an insight. I've been waiting almost 8 years for that.

I fell pregnant at 14 (delivered at 15) it was indeed as much my fault as my at the time 17 year old boyfriends. Never had a clue I was pregnant until it was far too late to consider abortion (despite boyfriends family heavily implying that there were "ways to end the problem" ).

Boyfriends family firmly believed I had trapped him, ruined his life, all my fault.

Reading this thread just made me so glad they all fucked off and decided not to take any responsibility. I'm so thankful I didn't have to be in the situation of your sons girlfriend.

Also reading this has made me realise the impact his family would have had on his decision to fuck off.

Have since met and become engaged to

It's entirely possible to go to uni with a child, I know a few couples who had to do exactly that. There was daycare available within the university, they shared a small flat and didn't socialise much for obvious reasons. The point being, if he wanted to go to uni, as she clearly does, he would have already put resits in place so that they could start the same year! He needs to grow up and take some responsibility and you need to stop enabling him and his woe is me, not my fault, evil girl led him astray attitude!

Posted too soon...

a wonderful man, who has done everything for my son, from bottles and nappies to climbing trees and stories, working and providing for us. His mum regards DS as her own grandson and took him on holiday (without us) 2 months after meeting him! He stays with her every Friday night. She treats me entirely as her own.

Now for the advice, from someone who was very nearly in the same place as your sons GF is now.

Why did she get all of the attention and support?
If she was anything like me, she probably didn't want it, she got it because she was underage (or very young, your posts aren't clear), and therefore the pregnancy could have been dangerous for her, she would be seen as less likely to know how to look after a baby and need educating on that. She got support from school because she asked for it. Your son never.

Your son could have gotten support from you, but you chose not to give it.

That really seems to be all you're interested in. But as far as what he should do now? Anything he likes. University, college, work, Apprenticeship? Why not take the opportunity now, while the other grandmother is so very kindly babysitting? He should also be thanking her to no end, as should you really.

Girlfriend doesn't really want baby at your house, but you say you want to bond? Meet her for coffee with baby? Go to her house? Take baby on a daytrip or long walk? Why don't you offer to take baby on your shopping trip when girlfriend comes round so that girlfriend and son can actually discuss their options/future in peace?

What has your son physically, emotionally or financially provided for his family? Who pays for all baby's needs? Who does nappies and night feeds? Who worries about development or teaches baby new things?

I assume the answers heavily involve girlfriends parents, is there a reason you aren't going 50/50 with them? If you say your son is not yet a man then his responsibilities are also your responsibilities, surely?

It's not really a surprise that girlfriends parents don't like him if he helped create the situation (pregnancy) and isn't doing anything to help it (work/education/training/financial help).

I so hope this isn't true.

However if it is, she is not being "so over protective" to not allow the baby to sleep where 6 cats and 3 (?) dogs are roaming round. I have 2 cats and trust them not to hurt my baby but they are NEVER in the same room alone with her. Cats like warm cuddly places and could easily snuggle up next to baby and suffocate him. It's not a risk worth taking.

She sounds like she is doing her best, you on the other hand sound like the MIL/gran from hell.

OP, in a year's time, when your DD is 15 and she became pregnant by a man 2 years older, who would you blame then?

She didn't trick him. Some girls can have an absence of periods for a while and only ovulate a few times a year. He should have used protection regardless of what she said. He put himself at risk of STD's also.

You need to start respecting her and accepting her. You will have a disastrous relationship with her, your grandchild and potentially your son too, if you don't pull your socks up and start bring less judgemental.

Stop being so damning. They all have a great future ahead! So what if it's hard work? The main thing is that the child is loved.

What does your son want to study at uni

I've only read the first page so far but I'm sure the fact that she makes lovely cake must be a consolation to you.

but my son thought she couldn't get pregnant! ... He said she told him she couldn't have children, of course he trusted her Wow...she was 15...I am guessing she wasn't trying to get pregnant for 2 yrs, so had nothing concrete to base this on. Just you know, a young teen having erratic periods, because they can take years to settle down. This is an essential part of the talk about sex, surely!! I know when my boyfriend wanted to have sex with me at 13 & said "you have only had one period, you can't get pregnant" I knew it was bullshit & dumped him!! My daughter is 12, has her periods & knows that she is now fertile & can get pregnant if she has sex!

she is very independant and seemed to mature very early! She's had to be!!! She had a child at 15!!

i suppose i should have made it more clear but felt uncomfortable at talking with my sons about this Have you asked your husband then what went wrong with the sex ed talks? he probably thought that his wife was dealing with it. Seems they both put it in the "too awkward" box!

But why did my young teenage son not get supprted in this too? It is double standards Young? he was older than her & should have been better prepared, but you admit that you left it to your dh, who probably left it to you. Your son wanted to have sex with someone who couldn't consent because her age implies that she isn't able to comprehend the fall out from having a sexual relationship. Your son was happy to forgo a condom, because you had not educated him on the fact that teenage girls have erratic periods, and that once they even have one period, they are fertile. He was stupid to think (not trusting, stupid) that she knew she wasn't able to get pregnant, she isn't even old enough to have been trying to get pregnant!!

Why is your son, who isn't working...not raising his child while his girlfriend is at school? Happy to have unprotected sex with a child, happy to blame a child for this, happy to let someone else raise his child. You should be proud

Why is the fact the her mother babysits while she's at school relevant here? It's HUGELY relevant, he is unemployed, yet someone else is raising his son while his son's mother works...stinks of him taking the piss, if you ask me!!

have become strict with her since the baby arrived. They really should have done that before, bit late now! STILL blaming others, op. Has this thread taught you NOTHING?? Do you see blame on your sons part anywhere in this mess?

I have offered to give him money to start up a business if he wants, but he is finding ithard to decide what to do for the best because he is a lazy sod who seems to think it is OK for someone else to raise his child while he "ponders" his future. I am glad that her parents are strict, and restricting his influence on her. Look at it from their POV...

*older teen had sex with their 15yr old
*older teen didn't use any protection
*older teen wants to sit on his arse & not be responsible for his son
*older teen's mum condemns their daughter for single handedly getting pregnant with oder teens baby
*older teen's mum blames it all on their daughter
*older teen's mum doesn't want to help raise her grandchild

I can see why they are reluctant to have him in their house & let her stay at yours...

And I'm still not sure exactly what you mean by double standards Perhaps it is how her son does less than a days work in raising their child, and the gf & parents do the rest.

but the whole situation is confusing for him and he doesn't know what to do! He needs to decide & he needs to step up & quick otherwise this -- She may not love him anymore. She may reject him because of your attitude to her and her child. is going to be his reality. She is shouldering this burden all by herself. She is going to get pissed off & leave him behind, and he'll be another dead beat dad, who doesn't help to physically or financially raise his child, but then moans because "step dad" gets all the glory.

They were both children and equally important No, sorry. She was 15, and pregnant. Young girls who are pregnant are considered high risk as their bodies aren't ready to carry children. He was not just as important. She had a human growing inside her, while still a child. He doesn't trump that, or even come close.

OP, is your son contributing at all financially?

Yes, as your son isn't working or studying, why isn't he looking after his baby while his girlfriend is at school?