My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

[worriedgran57]

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

OH, sorry, I see that you did say he was studying.

Does your son ever have alone time with his child?

ghost I think it is real. In fact I'm pretty certain it is.

I also think that the op if she's prepared to step down from her woe is me and woe is him stances actually look at her own behaviour and think about some of the advice contained with in the thread has the chance to change how this situation is going to play out.

That's if she can take responsibility for her role in it.

But sadly I think it's going to go poof due to the sheer volume of people saying it can't be real. Which is a shame really because it has the potential to do some good as well as hang around for others who make the same mistake the op is making to read and possibly reflect on (you would be surprised at just how many parents to teenage parents react like this and fuck up any chance of civil co parenting)

OP it's not your son that has serious problems, it's you. That poor girl. You need to wise up before you ruin their lives.

You won't babysit because you think your son should be spending time on his studies even though he's not actually studying?

You think the world should be doling out support and understanding to a 19 year old who isn't in education or work and only spending a few hours a week with his girlfriend and child?

Your son is confused and can't decide what to do? Really? FGS, he's an adult. The 'support' you think he needs is a wake up call from you and your husband to tell him to get off his arse and do something. He can get a job and study for a degree PT or from home or whatever, then when his GF is ready to live with him they'll have a nice little nest egg with which to set up home together as a family.

I'm pretty sure she didn't become pregnant because her parents weren't strict enough. She became pregnant because your 17 yo son had unprotected sex with a minor.

And never mind the iffy periods, didn't you talk to your son about STIs?

I was going to write something but then I lost the will to engage.

It's just not even worth it these days...

I'm thinking that the OP will lose contact with her grandchild sooner or later, and her son. The son may well blame the OP. As there is a tenuous link between son and child, and practically none between OP and child, then any case for contact going through the courts would have a hard time.

tbh I don't think the OP would care but the son might.

Your son got a child pregnant and she's manipulative? He's got a high iq? Really? He's not demonstrating it. If an adult got my dc pregnant I'd be pretty cold towards him too - might even tear his balls off.
She wants to protect her baby from your animals? Great parenting - all animals are unpredictable and you can never say they wouldn't hurt a baby. Rescue animals even more so.
She had her baby in her bed? Most parents do. First time mum hasn't got baby in a routine? Yep sounds like me and I was 26 had been married for 4 years and baby was planned. You sound horrible and totally unsupportive. It's not what you planned but this poor girl has enough going on without you making her feel crap. Your son is not a child so let him make his own choices.
I've not read the whole thread but the whole attitude is astounding.

I feel sorry for the girl. So young and already having the experience of a deadbeat dad.

OP, you say you have a teenaged daughter.

Just think for a minute, what if your DD found herself in the situation your son's GF is in. What if an older boy got her pregnant when she was 15, then she had the baby and the boy barely spent time with them and spent over a year arsing around deciding what to do with his life. Would you be thinking that he was a poor, naive boy who was in need of love or support or would you think he was a workshy twat who needed to pull his finger out and step up to his responsibilities?

Your honest answer is...?

It sounds like the op couldn't give a shit about her grandson anyway tbh.

Yeah, the son isn't coming out of this looking good, but to be fair, he has spent all his life being told 'mummy knows best' and now doesn't know how to get someone he may really love to listen to him, can't get babysitting for a date with the child's mother and is being told one thing by mummy and another by the mother of his child.

ds is nearly nine so it is all to come but I would be furious if he was in this situation and settled for such minimal contact.

Hang on she was 15 and he was 17 and you blame her for the pregnancy.

OP,how would you feel if when your daughter is only 15 and she fell pregnant by a boy that was 2 years older than her?

Yes, it's her entire fault she got pregnant. He wasn't even at the scene of the crime.

He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge Obviously not, as he didn't use a condom to protect himself from STDs or from unwanted pregnancy. Especially as they had known each such a short time when the pregnancy occurred.

She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case! I guess like other boys/men he selfishly didn't want to wear a condom, so was happy to take her at her word about periods being "awkward' when in reality, most 16yr girls still have erratic periods, so are way too young to be labelled as "not able to get pregnant." Your "clearly not the case" is so ignorant, I can't even begin to express how angry it makes me. You, being a woman & mother of girls should know how unpredictable periods are!

I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together! So you don't want him to take responsibility for his carelessness? That's a shocking attitude.

last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion How is any of that careless?

The animal issues, I am with her. Animals are unpredictable around crying screechy babies, or don't you read the news?

I try to be involved with my grandson ... but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about! So you can't even just have him for an hour, in order to "be involved"? It isn't exactly raising the child if you have him so your son can take his girlfriend out.

My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!! I beg to differ. Your son's mother is the problem. You hate this girl and it is apparent throughout your first post. You blame her for this situation when your very smart boy, whose IQ is very high yet is still very immature for his age. created this situation too.

Do you want someone to tell you to get your son to dump this girl & their baby?

Her parents are being cold towards him and your surprised.

Believe me if that was one of our DD's at 15 which is bloody under age by law OP!Our family wouldn't be cold towards him they'd have had him flaming arrested!

They should have taught her better,she didn't get pregnant on her own and she was underage your son was not,maybe you should be looking to your own parenting rather than slagging the young girls family off!Of course they don't want him staying the night or her staying at yours I expect they're terrified at the thought of her becoming a Mum to two children before she's 18

I think the young lady would be better of having no contact with you,your family or your son if the rest of them have the same attitude as you.

OP you need to remember for that child Mummy will always be the most important person in they're life to them.

If the child grows up knowing how poorly you spoke about they're mother and they're grandparents you could end up loosing any relationship you may hope to have in the future not only with your grandchild but also any partner and children they go onto have.Is it really worth cutting off your own nose to spite them?

he doesnt know what he wants. this whole time, she has been the one with the control, all the help and support from school, social services etc, and he has been ignored. They were both children and equally important

Of course the mother of your grandchild has had all the help and support from her school, Social Services, etc, she was a 15/16 year old mum! For crying out loud, can you not see how unreasonable you are being?

You say your son was completely wrapped up in his studies? Obviously not, or was he so wrapped up in them he just happened to fall and stick his penis into her?

I'm out, OP you really need to look at your responses on this thread and compare them to how you'd want the parents of your daughter's boyfriend to behave towards her in the same circumstances, God forbid it happens.

You say that she tricked him - a statement of fact. So has she actually said that she tricked him? Has she told you she thought she couldn't get pregnant? How would a teenager even know that? I think you are assuming an awful lot, because it suits you to do so. And it's unpleasant and misogynistic.

The baby is here - so you need to draw a line under all the 'no-one but me is putting my son first' dramatics. Your son is a father, and if you want to help him, you will support him and his partner. Entertaining dreams of Oxbridge won't get you anywhere. It sounds like you want him to leave her and his child and get back to a carefree childfree life. That won't happen. If he did leave, chances are the next 18 years will be full of dramas about how much he sees his child, how much you see the child, how much he contributes towards the child, what you think of the child's stepfather, etc, etc, etc. How about instead of all that bullshit you encourage him to be the best partner and father he can be?

If you want to focus your energies, how about sorting your house out so that it is a pleasant environment for your grandchild to visit?

Anyone who things their house just smells a 'bit catty' is probably very much unaware of how their house actually does smell.

Yuck.

My sons girlfriend HAS a problem There, fixed that for you- you're welcome.

Yes, she does.

I feel so sorry for that girl.

Believe me if that was one of our DD's at 15 which is bloody under age by law OP!Our family wouldn't be cold towards him they'd have had him flaming arrested!

I doubt the police would have the time to deal with it given how snowed under they must be dealing with all the other things MN's are advised to report to them.

But on a more serious note I doubt the police or any other authority would pay much attention to two very close in age teenagers having sex.