My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

[worriedgran57]

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

Wow. OP, you sound a total pain in the backside and must be making this girl feel awful, along with your son!

How about treating him like an adult?

The girl isn't doing anything wrong, I wouldn't have a baby sleeping in your living room given the animal situation either. I can't believe you think it's ok/normal -it's not! It's also fine for the baby to have been out in a coat and thin blanket last month, or to go on a long bus journey (seriously,what the heck do you think is wrong with that?!). It's also fine for the mother to say she doesn't want violent films on while her son is in the room,I was the same.

You keep going on about your son needing the support etc etc but you seem unwilling to treat him as an adult and a father.

A question. How much time does your son spend with his girlfriend and child? How often does he spend the night with them? See,as she is living with her parents and him with you, then look at all she is doing? School during the day, baby afterwards,waking in the nights,early mornings,all the playing,bathing,feeding and everything else. And you're moaning because she wants him to get a job?! Oh,how horrific,imagine supporting your child.

Just how much of that does your son do? Maybe you should be helping him to step up a bit.

Stop blaming the poor girl,stop being so over dramatic, remember she is the mother of your grandchild and sounds to be doing a good job, she is your sons girlfriend and she did not get pregnant on her own!

Join the real world,you sound like you're on another planet.

butter I think you're right.
I'm out, op if my mother was as vocally disappointed in me as you are in your son id have cut ties with her a long time ago.
I hope, for your sake, you can get over your shame and start to become a support, at a guess though since its already been 13 months, you will continue to be saddened and unsupportive of them making a family together. Don't be surprised when she realises this and stops coming around at all. You'll then have to help repair your son's broken heart too.

Well, she sounds like a fantastic mother to be honest. OP, you need to wind your neck in. If she doesn't want to visit you because you have a lot of unpredictable animals then you need to respect that. Otherwise you may never be in your grandson's future.

He has never spent the night with him. His girlfriend's parents won't let him stay overnight,or her stay overnight here. She comes round with the baby every Saturday and sometimes he goes over an evening during the week, if he is allowed! How is he supposed to do more when he isn't allowed? Her parents are very cold towards him and have become strict with her since the baby arrived. They really should have done that before, bit late now!

Is your son even in education at the moment? Because if he is not then I hardly think a couple of hours in a coffee shop with his girlfriend is going to have much of an impact.

You mentioned earlier that you are concerned about what it says to your younger children if you help them out. But have you thought about what message you are sending to any younger sons by your current stance - don't worry if you knock someone up, mummy will blame them and do everything in her power to stop it affecting your life.

The best thing you can do is let your younger children see the reality of teenage pregnancy. One mention of the word stretch marks and you 14 year old will probably take a vow of chastity!

And I'm still not sure exactly what you mean by double standards - if she was heavily pregnant and possibly feeling unwell and terrified during her GCSEs, then she presumably got special consideration/extra support our son didn't need by virtue of not being pregnant? It's not surprising he didn't have his mind on his exams first time around, but whose fault is it, if anyone's, that he didn't ask for confidential support?

I don't think anyone is unsympathetic towards your son, it's your 'woe is me, my innocent child corrupted by a scheming temptress' shtick that is getting up people's noses.

Old fashioned would be attempting to make him take full responsibility for the actions he took. You would be trying to get him to cart her off down the aisle,get a full time job because he would need to be supporting them both and buying them a freezer and slow cooker.

Over protective? Yep I'll give you that one but unfortunately the thoughts and probably comments and actions that you attributing to being over protective are spiteful.

Almost every single post you have made has been quite significantly critical and show a distinct lack of self awareness or understanding about so many things it's actually quite concerning. You are using what are quite normal things in order to compleatly sabotage their parenting relationship your grand childs welbeing and the likelyhood of peace and familŷ harmony

But he'd get to see his child his child loads more if he got a job and they lived together.

maybe they dont want baby number 2 to come alone. at least they are trying to protect her.. maybe they are not impressed that your son had sex with her when she was under age.

bit late now! you was a bit late to op.

they cant turn back time but they can try their best to protect her now.

you seem very cold towards her to...

this is not a real thread is it?

Oh,but you shouldn't have?! Get real. Do you take any responsibility for anything yourself?

So he sees the baby twice a week and you think it's too much and so hard that he has to do so little much and he is the one needing the support?

You are amazing,really you are. But not in a good way.

His girlfriend doesn't want to move in with him until she is finished university. my son woud marry her now if she agreed. She wants himto get a job so he can give her money, he is the one who wants them to live together but she says no so now he is stuck!

Here's a thought, maybe she'll get to university and be the high earner and he could be a SAHD

If he had a job she may be more open to living with him. Just a thought.

Or if he acted (was allowed to) like a parent it would help.

As would more time together.

Last point - maybe they don't want him staying over because he hadn't stepped up and taken any kind of responsibility aftet getting their daughter pregnant?!
If your daughter fell.pregnant by someone who's parents told him he waany allowed to support her exactly what would you do? Because I'd be keeping him at arms length too

oh but she doesn't want him to move away to uni and live in halls either...she says that he can't go living the student life while he has a child...but yet she won't allow him to b a proper dad by moving in together?

I don't want him to live with her at the minute either, they are both too young...but the whole situation is confusing for him and he doesn't know what to do!

*wasn't

So he wants the marriage and the house and she's knocking him back because she is more ambitious. She may end up more successful.

She may not love him anymore. She may reject him because of your attitude to her and her child. He certainly won't get a chance to persuade her to wed if he can't get someone to babysit while they go for a coffee.

Have you considered that she may not want to move in with your son because she doesn't want you around all the time. Your driving her off, but is that what your son wants?

he doesnt know what he wants. this whole time, she has been the one with the control, all the help and support from school, social services etc, and he has been ignored. They were both children and equally important

Of course she doesn't want him to go away to uni ffs.

Do you get any of this? The mother of your grandchild is bringing up the child on her own while your son does whatever the heck he wants and has a pain in the backside mother who thinks he's still 5 years old.

Would you want to marry/live with someone like that? I know I wouldn't!

If he and you had a supportive and close relationship with your grandchild's mother then you would have been in there and would have been included in discussions and support.

Is he on the birth certificate?

No, worriedgran

SHE carried the baby. SHE had the biggest shock and permanent change to her life. SHE raises the baby alone,apart from the father seeing the baby twice a week.

Your son does what exactly? YOU could give him the support he needs if you could be bothered and didn't have such bizarre ideas.

What could school and social services do for him? He's never blinking with the child anyway!