What do you think about men in their 40's?

[WhiteSwan1]

I'm just asking myself, what is it with men in their 40's or is it just me? I've just come back from my BF's (I'm 39, he's mid 40's) and really have a feeling of him not being sure of what he wants in the future (apart from seeing me as someone fairly interesting and attractive to spend some time with) after seeing me for 18 months.

I recently had a message from ExH (mid 40's) reminding me of how long ago we met and I wonderfully came in to his life (he is now seeing someone else from 5 months after we split up and is still with her).
I have another friend (mid 40's) who has admitted he is cheating on his DW.
I have another male friend (mid 40's) who can't commit to a relationship with any woman and is acting like he's 20 going out with multiple women.
I guess it's just my age and who I know but I just wondered if some men in their 40's go through a stage when they just don't know what they're doing? Any male responses are also appreciated.

Ok so to throw some positivity into this thread. I met my Dh when he was 42. I was 36. So hardly decades younger, or young enough to be his daughter.

I liked that fact that he was upfront about our relationship, asked why we were waiting, and moved things forward (he'd never been married before, like me, just hadn't met the right person, like me).

I'm now almost 40, he's almost 48, we are married with a two year old DD.

Not all 40 something blokes are twats :)

A couple of weeks ago, I was reminded of something that happened nearly 20 years ago.

When I was 22, my 38 year old colleague and I were quite close. It was purely platonic from my perspective. He was attractive but I didn't really fancy him and there was no flirting.

I had no idea his wife might be concerned about the friendship. I, naively, assumed she'd realise he wasn't the slightest bit interested in me in that respect because I was so much younger than him...

Until he told me he had feelings for me and, essentially, propositioned me for an affair. He wasn't quite that crass, he told me that he felt quite taken aback by it and that, in his 10 years of marriage, he'd not met anyone else who made him feel like this... you know the score.

I told him I wasn't interested because he was married (I didn't know his wife) and our friendship dwindled. I was really saddened by it, but I wasn't going to mess around with much older married man!

I just don't get why any women in that position would be flattered by it!

Or believe they're so special.
I don't know, I mean maybe he was telling the truth. Some men must feel like that genuinely! But really?

With all due respect though IfiWasaBadger he was still 6 years older than you, and if he had met a woman his age he wouldn't have a 2 year old now..I'm sure he is a great bloke, but a 42 year old single woman probably wouldn't have been on his radar.

What you decided RE the younger guy was really decent aWow. You behaved like a grown up.

Somebody else's down time half time part time some time It's a Country song, I'm sure of it!!

That's fucking depressing Folk. I don't get why any 22 year old would be remotely interested in a late 30s married man either, but I suppose some are. Flattery, maybe, yes.
This whole "I never met anyone who makes me feel blah blah" is borne out of a romantic fantasy. Despite what social would have us believe, men are far more invested in romantic ideals. I can meet someone , think " Ok, I like x about him,not so keen on y but I can live with it, we get along, the sex is nice. Good, I can fall in love with him " whereas increasingly I get the impression that men are fixated on "the ONE".

Ifnot "but a 42 year old single woman probably wouldn't have been on his radar."

but we can't know that...if his now wife had been 42 he might still have fallen for her, surely?

Well...he may have fallen for her, but if he wanted kids, he might have chosen to not pursue it. Which is fair enough, in a sense, but there does seem to be a trend of 40 something men who prolong their "youth" as long as possible, then conveniently met a woman in her 30s to do the baby thing with. I doubt it's coincidence...
I'm just basing this on my own cohort of friends, which is concentrated around the 37-46 age range. Lots of single female friends who have basically lost all hope, and lots of men who are either treading water with someone they may or may not settle down with, or dating with the hope of meeting a younger woman to have kids with.
Having it all! (Well, the men are.)
God I feel quite depressed now! Well, I shall just continue on, like the female Rod Stuart, getting older while my beaus remain the same age..

I actually am quite uncomfortable with what seems to be an easy target of lampooning men who take up cycling.

All power to the MAMILs, I say.

Why is it a crisis? You're middle aged, kids don't take your time as much, your hobbies have drifted from the kids being young, you eye that gut a bit miserably... So - cycling. It's fun. It's flexible exercise, for fitness and competition with yourself and others. It's social too.

So what if the bike costs a bomb? You've earned your money, your lucky cos you can afford it. I'm wealthier in my 40s than before - mostly, because my childcare is down from £800 to £200 a month! Buying a bike that outperforms you... why the hell not? Good for the economy.

And the gear, yes that dreaded Lycra... Well, I'm not ashamed to say it's fun to 'look the part'. It's not different to buying skinny jeans when everyone wise started wearing them, or looking around and choosing shoe boots when they're "in".

Cycling clothes aren't necessary to enjoy cycling. But it's fun to shop, they look good, they're practical (you don't neeeeeeeed padded shorts, but they're nice)

I find laughing at how men look in Lycra just as depressingly body shaming as the shit we throw at women. Is it a man's fault his genitalia are external? No.

I don't think it's a "crisis". I took up kitesurfing in my 20s, horse riding in my 30s. No-one called that a crisis.

It's depressing age-ist that trying something new in your 40s is a crisis.

I think a lot of the hobby type stuff including cycling is simply having more time and money and feeling a bit bored.

Fair play to any man who tries something new and stays healthy in his middle age.

I was recently OLD. Give me the new bike enthusiast over some boring git who does nothing.

And if he's spent a lot of money on it? As long as it's not on a credit card and he hasn't screwed over his family finances - go for it!

Three cheers for MAMILs!!!

The affair cunts can fuck right off though

IfNotNow I know, it is depressing!

Thing is, I think back to it and his wife must have been really unnerved by it. I would be.

When I read posts on here by women wgo say, "I trust my husband completely, he'd never cheat and of course he can have female friends without wanting to have sex with them..." I think they're terribly naive.

cabrinha - "It's depressing age-ist that trying something new in your 40s is a crisis."

agree totally! Agree also about the MAMIL but that is literally a term I have heard today. A couple of my male friends belong to cycling clubs. I don't see it as being any different than being a regular gym goer - is it something that gets made fun of? If so, why?

I just despair when women laughing about not wanting to see "lunchboxes". Someone on this very thread laughing that her kids were traumatised driving past a man in Lycra. Fuck off.
Like you could see anything anyway, but if you did - so what?

Perhaps it's working and swimming a lot in continental countries where you have to wear budgie smugglers (I love that phrase!). The outline of men's genitalia is just a fact.

Not to be sneered at or sniggered at any more than the outline of my gone south breasts or sagging with age bum.

It's just a body.

And it's just a man out having fun.

Yeah, I don't get the cycling thing either.

I don't see how deciding to look after yourself is a negative!

I know what you mean.

Newsflash men have cocks.

Really?!

Agree cabrinha. My dh now has a hobby that keeps him super fit and he gets to be outside see nature etc. he is passionate about it so can't see why it's a bad thing.

Cyclists get so much stick it's weirdly socially acceptable to be fucking rude and vitriolic about them (bloody jeremy clarkson much to blame). Give me a fit sleek cyclist over a huff puff jeremy clarkson fat bottomed car driver any day

getting more and more puzzled
do some MNers laugh at male cyclists because they can see their man parts?

do these same women go to the ballet and laugh hysterically....?!

I just find the middle aged cyclists funny in the same way I find For example Kevin the teenager funny. I think there's s lot worse things people could do with their time and money. It's all good.

There's definitely an element of wanting to use your body to fuller potential in there as well. Again not a bad thing.

I'm sure men also laugh at unfit older women going to yoga etc. classes. It's all about belittling others don't you know.

Yeah and it boils down to taking the piss out of people for not being dead yet.

"I had thought, good, healthy, sporty.......... now I'll think omg mlc"

I view anyone (men or women) who are suddenly into fitness and sporty in middle age as having a bit of a midlife crisis. I really don't understand this need to prove yourself physically; is it the sense of their own mortality kicking in or something?

I have friends doing all the Spartan type race things and I can't think of anything more boring than running about in a muddy field all afternoon.

Not mortality as such, but being aware that your body needs looking after and isn't going to last forever if you don't.

Besides, I did that kind of thing fir a bit. It's all about being open to new things and challenging yourself, which I've always done.

"I don't find the fabric so tight around the meat and two veg in any way sexy"

Milli Vanilli wore tight lycra leggings for years and nobody complained. If they hadn't been miming their songs the whole time, they could still be flashing their meat and veg today.

You know it's true.

Well actually, we weren't at all sure that we could have kids, what with me being a bit older (not 42, but no spring chicken) also I have a lot of issues with my cervix meaning we knew if I did get pregnant it would be a very tricky pregnancy to keep.

On our wedding night I reminded him of this...I was really clear that we might not have kids due to biology and my physiology. He was ok with this. His reasoning was it had taken him this long to find me...he would cope with kids or no kids. We even talked adoption if we couldn't have them.

As it was I got pregnant 3 weeks after my coil was taken out......then we had a horrific pregnancy, but that's another story!

Indeed. Surely it is conceivable it is for health reasons. And doing this in groups is often more fun and an incentive.

But of course it is undoubtedly a MLC

at Milli Vanilli.

I think the point was just that the sudden interest cycling just ticks all the boxes of MLC Ness, that's all. (See list above RE expensive kit, daft clothes ). So would a sudden obsession with golf, or rock climbing.
I actually think throwing yourself into physical fitness is a pretty harmless side effect of the mid life crisis.
Its undoubtedly better than throwing yourself into a bottle of red wine, which is my strategy.
As for the lycra thing, I don't mind what people wear, it's just that my eyes are magnetically drawn to the groin area when men wear it on the bottom half.
I don't want to look, but I can't help staring. With much the same grim fascination as when the young men wear those thin grey sweatpants. I'm thinking "don't look at that 18 year old boys crotch". But I do. I do.