What do you think about men in their 40's?

[WhiteSwan1]

I'm just asking myself, what is it with men in their 40's or is it just me? I've just come back from my BF's (I'm 39, he's mid 40's) and really have a feeling of him not being sure of what he wants in the future (apart from seeing me as someone fairly interesting and attractive to spend some time with) after seeing me for 18 months.

I recently had a message from ExH (mid 40's) reminding me of how long ago we met and I wonderfully came in to his life (he is now seeing someone else from 5 months after we split up and is still with her).
I have another friend (mid 40's) who has admitted he is cheating on his DW.
I have another male friend (mid 40's) who can't commit to a relationship with any woman and is acting like he's 20 going out with multiple women.
I guess it's just my age and who I know but I just wondered if some men in their 40's go through a stage when they just don't know what they're doing? Any male responses are also appreciated.

Yes. If a man gets to his early forties without having settled down, he's not going to do it unless the woman is beautiful, ten years younger, a real trophy.

So I'm wasting my time on these guys I meet on line. I was on the thread about leagues and a lot of people deny that they exist but they're married, how would they know!? and I am wrestling with a really difficult idea in my head at the moment. Do I try and date men ten years older? Would they at least value a connection if it existed?

And what if they took their shirt off and I saw skinmoobs hanging off their chest and then I changed my mind about sex?! Has that ever happened to anybody??? I'd be really scared I'd see their old bodies, get a shock and have to back track. That'd be so awkward and embarrassing.

I'm finding that a lot of people in this age bracket are flailing about dating because on one level, they think it's important and on another they are starting to realise it might not be....so there is a lot of half heartedness about.

I say this as an observer - I like being single - but I find that a lot of people are horrified by that or think I must have been badly hurt or some such.

OK, voyageofdad so by the time a man is 40 his eldest is 8. (On average)

Job half done! It takes til 50 to be able to say, right, children raised. Mortgage paid off. But then it does depend how young one starts!

I have felt the social pressure of not doing everything at the right time in the right order in the right post code. But I know these stifling pockets aren't the norm. Lots of people are grandparents by 40 But have they a mortgage paid off.

Awow- not sure where you live but certainly where I am from, most of the men in the mid 40's have been married for 20 years minimum and have teenage kids mainly. Everyone got married before 30 who were the same age or me and most had one or two kids by then.

I think it's just the getting old and the boredom of being with the same person when combined with more access to opportunity (mobile phones, Internet etc)

For every affair that is discovered, there will be lots that are oblivious to the fact. My ex mates were all shagging women on lads trips etc. it seemed to be the norm rather than the exception.

Mine is a passionate and obsessed cyclist. On balance it is not a bad option

Awow- as for the bodies. Good job men don't all think that way because after a couple of babies and breast feeding, women's bodies don't tend to be what they were! Surely if you have a connection then the rest of it juts happens naturally?

Hey, that describes me too lorelei good way of putting it. I think it's because I've been so independent for the last 8 years but I feel in the future that I won't be able to be so cheerful about it. Possibly because I will be less distracted by my children because they'll be older. So what's fuelling my search to find somebody is the fear of potentially being lonely in the future. I'm fine NOW but have the awareness that in men's eyes, every year makes you more worthless so I feel act now, sort it out now, even though I don't feel lonely now.

Shinyhappy, will I be lynched for saying this, but it's a bit of a class distinction! My friends all went to university, many lived abroad, and they only started to announce engagements and pregnancies at about 32-37. A lot of the more charismatic, intelligent, attractive men from school only ''succumbed'' to marriage in the run up to their fortieths! But they weren't marrying their childhood sweethearts, they were marrying women they'd met recently, whilst doing very well in their careers.

shiny, that feels like a reprimand which isn't fair. When was the last time you had to contemplate never, ever dating somebody even your own age but having to date women a decade plus older than you? Have you any idea what that's like for women!?!?

Plus, crucially, men aren't under the same pressure to look after themselves. Because they have all the power and also there're fewer messages from the media.

Women are all making sure they don't go over a certain weight, working out three times a week, not drinking too much, not smoking. My body is in great nic for a 44 year old with children but a lot of men my age wouldn't have put in the effort, they don't have to. So, thinking about those same men but with a decade on them......... wow. I'd have to be ready for the unveiling. And don't you dare reprimand me unless you've faced a future of never being able to find love/sex unless it's with a woman in her fifties. Don't. Dare.

We're northerners Awow- not
Much class distinction where I was dragged up...you were either working class or criminal class!

All my friends from school were married by 27 at the latest. The majority were Married by 23/24. to be fair though the vast majority are still with the same man.

Voyage-agree. I work in a small team but 3 men aged 41, 48 and 54 all have had younger women. The 44 year old started shagging a 26 year old in the team and left his wife and 2 kids for her.

The 48 year old is just having an affair with a 24 year old.

This thread is both enlightening and depressing.

Process of getting a divorce. Hitting the big 40 in the next couple of years.

Jeez. I don't stand a chance!

Any reason you thought I was a man Awow? Believe me I know what it's like having been married twice and in the dating game for years with little success. I have given up now.

Yes, so true. And, luckily I would shoot myself before I'd have another child. I wouldn't want a man who wanted another child. And I don't think the majority of men in their forties who already have children actually do want another child!! I think it's a big compromise when they meet a younger woman. It's what they have to give in order to have a hope of holding on to her. And that's a big compromise. I pity men my age who have to go through it all again.

I notice all of the men on line who already have children put 'undecided' or 'open' to the question of having more children or not having more children. I cynically interpret that to mean, no of course not but I'm certainly not going to come right out and say that because then the younger women won't contact me.

a lot of them seem to take up cycling

Hilarious. But true.

I however cannot mock. At 39 and female, I am taking part in my first fitness competition ever next weekend and I've signed up for tough mudder next summer. I'm definitely having my own version of a mlc. It's not about someone else proving my attractiveness to me, it's about doing stuff before it's too late ever to.

shiny I thought you were a man because when you referred to the lads holiday, I thought you were on the lads holiday yourself, observing things that were the norm not the exception.

OP, something else occurs to me (still on the first coffee of the day!)

I said in my first post I think a lot of men and women are like this in this age group. Some of it is very positive as well - we have a lot of freedom. when you say people in this age group "don't know what they want" - I don't feel the need to have a set rule about it anyway. I've been planning carefully on the financial front since I was 18 but other than that, if you can be footloose and fancy free and do what you want and live where you like....I'm pretty settled in London and my job but I also know that if I fancy a move, I can up and go.

I guess I'm wondering if you're really asking "why won't men in their 40s commit?" - but you have disguised your question. I've never been a great one for seeing major gender differences but I imagine that a 40 something who is doing okay financially has no reason at all to want to settle down - it's nice to be free (as the song says). Apologies if I've inferred something wrong from your question.

I've just turned 40 a couple of months ago and although it didn't come accompanied by crisis, I have slowly realised that there's a couple of personal and career goals I want to drop, because I'm conscious of enjoying the time ahead of me and I sure don't want to spend more of it at work. I wonder if people dating at this kind of age don't want to compromise their freedom by saying "yes, let's make this a committed relationship" because I think deep down a lot of people think it's a pain but don't want to say so and also they fear loneliness (even if there's no evidence of any need to fear it).

My ex was very forthcoming about what his mates were up to! And of course him although he wasn't as forthcoming about that one!

God it's a high price though if you ditch wife no.1 for pert new model she will want babies and then he has to go through the whole early years small child mayhem whilst wife no.1 travels and goes to cinema with late teen off spring. Ha ha ha.

Several late 40s men in dh cycling club reached this impasse. Sexy new wife wants children the men don't - impasse.

My hideous american alpha male city boss was describing a colleague - he actually said obviously meant as a criticism " the guy is still married to his first wife" and expected the others to tut their disapproval but had misjudged his audience badly and was met with horrified silence!

Yes, there is a lot of freedom.

I don't mean to sound too depressed about dating. For a long time, I only dated if the man literally fell in to my lap and obviously that only happened twice in 8 long years. So there were a lot of realities that I wasn't confronting in those 8 long years. Now, after 5 months of internet dating, I think I am digesting all of these depressing realities. I will take a break from it over the christmas period and go back in the new year with new photos and like a sales and marketing person I will target a group that would be more likely to value the connection and the chemistry if it were to exist. Iykwim. So I still have hope. And I don't want my posts to depress anybody who hasn't dipped their toe in to the water yet.

Voyageofdad Average age of UK fathers is 32, average age of mothers is lower

It's now 30. 2 years of a difference.

And regarding older men having babies later? How do they know it's theirs. I'm sceptical about this.

The latest age for women to donate eggs in the UK is 35. For men donating sperm it's 38.

My DH walked out of his job when he hit 40. Good for him, he retrained into a worthwhile profession that makes him happy. A much better MLC than an affair or cycling - I think it can be a good thing to shake things up when you hit middle age.

My mum depressingly had a MLC & affair, so at least she was confounding gender stereotypes, I guess. it would have been better all round if she took up cycling.

Kerala1 urgh. What a dickhead!

A friend of mine met a man who already had three children. She doesn't view herself as another woman but her H was married when she met him at work. Anyway, she ended up married to him and as a huge sacrifice on his part he agree to ONE child and then had a vasectomy right after. She would have loved more children. When my friend was pregnant and his first three kids were 10-18 and the eldest was texting him looking for money, I jokily said ''so, you'll have been the father of young children for 35 yyears by the time this baby is raised!" and he looked like he was going to face palm his bowl of soup.

now, when I'm looking on line, and I see pictures of men cycling or posing beside their expensive bikes, I'll see them very differently. I had thought, good, healthy, sporty.......... now I'll think omg mlc